Work Text:
Midoriya was used to being the weakest guy in the room- that was a given.
What he wasn’t used to- was being the strongest person in a room.
Sure, he had dreamed of it for years, being the hero- saving people…
But being here- doing it- surrounded by people who’s powers he would have died to have just months ago- by people he had been stupidly idolizing for damn near his whole life.
He wasn’t sure how to be.
Because he knew- they all knew; he hadn’t even tapped into the potential of his quirk and he was already fighting on their level.
The thought- the thought that used to excite him. That used to motivate him; drive him to do his best.
That thought scared the ever loving shit out of him.
He had always wanted to be the best, but it wasn’t attainable.
And now.
Now it wasn’t just a possibility but an expectation.
He would be the best the strongest and he would fight the most powerful foes- after all he was the only one that could.
The very idea made him feel sick.
He was so used to being the underdog- to defying people’s expectations but if he failed.
If he failed it was just Deku fucking it all up again.
Nobody had ever expected anything else anyway.
Now they did.
Now they expected not only great; but the best.
And he thought he might be crushed under all that weight.
He allowed himself to shake off those thoughts; pushing himself away from his desk and setting down the barbell he had been lifting.
He wasn’t getting any studying done at this rate anyway, he just couldn’t focus on the books in front of him
He stood up throwing on a gray hoodie and walking out of his room.
“mom I’m going on a walk” he said as he walked past her.
“dinner is almost done” she protested.
“I’m not very hungry” he replied leaning over to give her a sort of half hug “I’ll eat when I get back”
She frowned, but nodded as he slipped out the front door.
The air would do him some good he thought breathing it in, crisp and fresh. The fall had jus enough chill to be comfortable without stinging his face. It stung a little as it filled his lungs; but it was a good sting. Something that reminded him that he was a live.
He didn’t know where he was going but his feet took him where they wanted and the rest of him just followed along. Step after step, he let his body go where it wanted and let his mind wander again to the events of the year.
He had done a lot, they had all done a lot. Been through a lot.
There hadn’t been any way for them to prepare for the things they encountered.
The league of villains- just showing up everywhere.
And the hero killer.
It was almost impossible for him to forget that night.
That horrible face flashed before his eyes every time he closed them.
And then on top of that- watching Shouto have to give credit to –
That was the worst part.
He took a deep breath, trying to shake it off. There wasn’t any point in being angry.
It was in the past.
He couldn’t let anger be what drove him.
He looked around; realizing that he hadn’t paid any attention to where he had been going.
“the shrine?” he asked out loud wondering what had driven him here.
He hadn’t been here- well not since he was a child. Back when he and Katsuki had played here.
Staging mock battles.
He laughed to himself as he remembered little Midoriya jumping off the bench to his right and smacking his head on the stone ground; pretending to do a Detroit smash.
He remembered little Katsuki almost looking concerned before he had bounced right back up.
Running at him full speed.
“Ill get you!” he had laughed sending Katsuki running the other direction.
That had been before quirks.
When they were both dumb; quirkless children.
Things had changed since then.
Katsuki had change; or maybe he hadn’t and Midoriya just still couldn’t keep up.
But after a while Katsuki had wanted nothing to do with him.
He hadn’t come here to play anymore; and Midoriya remembered the last time he stood in this spot, tears pouring down his face because he didn’t have a friend anymore- and he
was just so utterly alone.
Maybe that had part of why he tried so hard, maybe he figured that if he could make them equal again then Katsuki would have no choice but to pay attention to them
That it would jus go back to the way it was when the were young.
How stupid he had been.
He had done it, after all.
Against all odds he had gotten stronger; he had gone from a dumb quirkless nobody to somebody that managed to fight for his friends, to fight for himself.
He wasn’t a sad little kid anymore.
And Katsuki still hated him with the same burning fever as always.
He shook his head running his hand through is hair, and allowing himself to laugh at his own pathetic thoughts.
It had never changed for Izuku.
He had been obsessed with being a hero; with learning from heroes he saw every day-
And with Katsuki Bakugo.
It had been easy when he was younger to just lump it all together- to write it off as his obsession with heroes in general.
Katsuki was strong and brave and an amazing fighter. It was clear that he would be an awesome hero.
It wouldn’t have made any sense to ignore him while filling out his book
But it was more than that,
He hadn’t wanted to record every time that the other heroes laughed- and the way it made his heart shake. He hadn’t wanted to throw himself in the way while they were fighting
just so he could feel them push him away. He hadn’t wanted to argue with them because that was the only way he could get them to notice him.
No.
That was just Katsuki.
It wasn’t until the close quarters battle that he realized how bad he really had it.
Didn’t realize he had come to idolize Katsuki almost on the level he had All Might, though clearly in a slightly different way.
That there was no way he could have learned his move from watching him once- or even ten times.
No.
That came from a lifetime of study.
A childhood of – obsession,
He was fucking smitten.
“go damnit- I’m so fucking pathetic.” He said out loud to himself.
“you’ve got that right” someone responded.
And of course, with Midoriya’s luck it would be him.
Because that’s exactly what he needed right now.
“what are you doing here?” Midoriya asked turning around to face him.
Which was a bad idea.
The look of disgust on his face- well it was painful enough everywhere else, but here.
Here it cut like a knife.
“what are you doing here?” Katsuki huffed back.
Midoriya sighed.
Finding he didn’t even have it in him to fight right now.
“I don’t know.” He replied, honestly. “I just ended up here.”
“what?” Katsuki asked spitefully “Are you not in control of your own mind anymore?”
Midoriya laughed because he had been asking himself that very question for days now. “I’m not even sure anymore” he answered.
It was true.
But it wasn’t really something he had ever thought to share with anyone.
He didn’t feel in control of anything anymore.
Everything was falling apart and coming together a dizzying speed and he couldn’t even keep up with it; let alone get ahead of it al.
But heroes don’t succumb to the pressure of stress; or the fear of death- or the overwhelming crushing feeling that nothing they ever did could be good enough.
They smiled.
Through disaster, and pain, and death.
Through all the people they saved; and all the people they couldn’t save.
They smiled.
And that’s what he was doing.
Well had been doing until right now.
Because he didn’t want to lie to Katsuki. Somehow, he felt like- he would never be able to really forgive himself if he did.
So, he didn’t
And Katsuki said nothing.
But some of the fire was gone from his eyes and was replaced with something else.
Something he hadn’t seen before; not in all the years he had made it a point to notice everything about him.
“what’s wrong with your face?” Midoriya asked before thinking.
“Fuck you- there’s nothing wrong with my face!” he yelled back
Classic Bakugo.
It was more comfortable like this, he admitted to himself. Anger pouring out of Ka-chan, he had grown used to this. So much that he had almost forgotten a time when they had
gotten along.
Been friends even.
They weren’t anymore, but it felt like here-
Where they had been so many years ago; that maybe they could be.
“nothing- its as handsome as ever” he responded halfheartedly.
If he didn’t know any better, he would say that Katsuki had blushed.
But he did
Know better that is.
It was just anger.
It was always just anger.
“you never answered me.” Midoriya prompted “about why you’re here.”
Katsuki didn’t answer at first and Midoriya just settled on watching.
Waiting patiently as Katsuki formulated his response, his face was concentrated.
Lines harsh; eyebrows furrowed.
So close to an angry face but; also, very different.
He stood so defensively, always stood so defensively as if he thought at any second he might be attacked; but here he looked slightly more relaxed than usual.
It made sense; the were the only people here.
It wasn’t a very popular shrine- old and abandoned for the most part.
It wasn’t as if someone was going to pop out of the bushes and try to kill them.
It was good to see him more relaxed.
Lately it seemed as if he was so tense he would explode at any second; not that it was outside the realm of possibility.
Seeing him here was almost like a dream- in a place that plagued his memories no matter how hard he tried to push it out. With the person that forced his way into his thoughts
every moment-
“I come here; sometimes” Katsuki replied shaking Midoriya from his thoughts.
Midoriya nodded; it was starting to rain slightly- enough that the small hazy drops were gathering on Katsuki’s eyelashes- and his face looked so…
Midoriya turned around suddenly; walking to the bench and sitting down.
Putting as much space between him as he could quickly- before he thought about doing something stupid.
They were silent for a while.
Midoriya running though all the things he could say- should say.
It seemed like he should say something.
Like life- or at least parts of it had lead up to this point and he should say something meaningful or profound.
But he couldn’t think of anything.
All that kept running through his mind was
“I miss you.”
Which was a dumb thing to say when someone is standing right in front of you.
But it was true, and he wanted to scream it to the heavens- wanted to bellow
“I fucking miss you- and not this you. I miss the you that would laugh. I miss the you that told me we could do anything. I miss the you that was the first hero I ever knew- The one that saved me before I even knew I needed to be saved.”
So, he did.
He said it before he could tell himself he was wrong.
And his throat was tight, and everything made him feel small.
He took a deep breath and stood up; looking Katsuki in the eyes for the first time since he started talking.
The rain fell heavier now large fat drops splashing off of Katsuki’s bare shoulders.
I don’t know if he’s still in there” He added shrugging off his hoodie and putting it in Katsuki’s arms. “but I hope ‘ll meet him again someday.”
His heart was pounding, and he was questioning every move he made- and every word he spoke.
“don’t want you to catch a cold.” He added as he walked past him.
His arms chilled in the sudden air, but he felt better than he had in months.
It could have gone worse- he thought to himself making his way back down the steps to the shrine- a smile sneaking its way onto his face.
Katsuki could have punched him repeatedly- but he hadn’t.
And he was going consider that progress.
They weren’t quite friends- and its possible that this would have terrible consequences later- but for right now.
Things were okay.