Work Text:
February 21st, 2016
Dear Newton,
I expect this might be something of a challenge, but if you can do one thing for me, please try not to laugh if I ever do find the courage within myself to give you this. To that end, I should probably provide a little context, because while I do feel a very pressing need to compose this now, it may take some time before I'm actually brave enough to share it with you. I have just been accepted into the ranks of the Jaeger Academy in Alaska. I leave in one week.
Stop me.
I cannot recall the last time I made a request or have wished for something so juvenile and selfish. Being accepted into the Jaeger Academy is an incredible opportunity. Whatever my father might think, this, I am sure, is where we will find the answer to solving the Kaiju problem. I know I can do good and valuable work with them there, necessary work. But I find myself wishing I had never heard the word Kaiju (though I couldn't say what such an alternate universe would mean for your tattoos). I have never before had the time for such futile and wishful thinking, but it persists, fighting its way to the front of my consciousness every time I have tried to pack. Would I have even met you, gotten to know you, in a world like that? I hope that I might have. This last year feels almost like stolen time and now I'm being called back to reality. But if all of this has been a dream, then I would much prefer not to wake from it.
I want to stay with you.
Always, if I'm being honest.
Newton, I- Newt, I know we cannot seem to go more than a day without having some kind of petty disagreement between us, but the fact of the matter is that I look back on myself, on that day you took that seat beside me and how sure I was of the sort of student-and even the sort of person that you were, the disdain and despair I felt in being paired off to work with you, and I can scarcely believe it- that there was ever a time I didn't see you for who you are and all you are truly worth. I have never been so greviously wrong in my entire life, and I am far more fortunate that I could hope to articulate that you are the kind and at times stubborn individual you are to have stuck around and persisted long enough to give me the opportunity to correct my mistake.
I told you once, that as much as we bicker about theoretical versus applied studies, science versus mathematics, that I have rarely encountered a mind that challenged me so well as yours, but that wasn't actually true. The truth is that in all my years I never have, and some part of me I would prefer to ignore worries that maybe I never will again. I knew the life that I led before coming to this University, before meeting you, was a lonely one, and it would be ridiculous to pretend (especially to you) that my experiences up to that point didn't leave me disillusioned and at times quite bitter for it. But the last year has been not only the most productive but the happiest moments of my life. I have you to thank for most of that. The Jaeger program, the Academy, have been dreams of mine for years now. But the thought of flying up to Kodiak doesn't seem nearly as attractive as it once did- and not just because it's likely to be far more bitterly cold come winter- but because it means leaving you.
This must make me sound so immature. Perhaps in this respect, at least, I am. You know I don't have much experience in anything like this. Even with the luxury of time and paper to compose my thoughts, I'm not sure how to express myself properly. I suppose if you must, you may laugh at me for a moment here. But this is why I much prefer my numbers. Perhaps that is what I am trying to say (most inarticulately)- Newton, it is entirely possible, likely even, that I will never understand precisely how it is that your mind works, your choices in music, the way you keep your room or workspace and somehow still generally know how to find anything... For that matter, I may never know what it is that you saw in me that made you decide I was worth the extraordinary effort involved in getting to know me. You continue, probably quite without even meaning to, to leave me utterly baffled. I cannot make sense of you, and I doubt at times that I ever will, but the two of us? Nothing has ever been as clear, made as much sense to me, as my desire just to be with you.
You challenge me, inspire me... You are everything I am not. Everything that I have never understood, envied, even held contempt for. That we should test so well for drift compatibility never surprised me, because with you I feel more complete, and if not more myself, then more the best possible version of myself. I am a far better and happier person with you than I have ever been without you.
If there was anything that could prevent me from taking the spot, this opportunity being offered to me, it would be you. I'm a bit ashamed to say that it would not even have to be a particularly articulate or well-planned argument on your part. You would only have to ask. I almost wish you would. I don't know if you share anything like the same level of fondness and attachment for me, but I do know you well enough, at least, to know that you wouldn't dream of asking me. Not really. I know somehow you have always worried if you held me back in some way that I might come to resent you. But the fact is if one of us is doing such an injustice to the other, I think that it must be the other way round. Regardless, whatever our petty debates and arguments between us I could never resent you- not truly. There is only one emotion with regard to you which I have found to be sustainable and I have no reason to suspect it will do anything less than endure, even 3,565 miles away.
I will miss you terribly.
I miss you already and you've only just left to get us something to eat from the cafeteria while I pack.
I cannot imagine going days without seeing or speaking to you anymore.
I don't wish to.
Writing or calling each other won't be the same, but I am more than happy to take whatever it is we can get, to steal more time. I wish that you could come with me. It may take the PPDC a little time- it did for me- but they're going to need you, even if they haven't realized it yet. I'll put in a good word and save you a seat until you're able to join us.
I suppose somehow I thought we might have more time- I hoped that we would- or perhaps I thought that it would be easier to say anything knowing there would be plenty of space between us if it went badly. Newt, I can only hope that I have been as good a friend and enriched your life as much as you have my own. And I cannot help but to hope, however selfish it may be, that you may have come to feel- as I have done- something far more than simply friendship. I know I may not be the most attractive of prospects for various reason (No, don't argue with me on this, not now), but I care about your well-being and happiness as much as my own, as my own, because seeing and making you happy brings me every bit as much joy. I have laughed with you. Smiled with you. Cried with you. And I would do all of it again. And again. And again. And if you wished me to, I would all too happily do so in every stolen minute and day that I have left to give. With such knowledge, it is within your power to crush me and dash my hopes entirely, but the truth, of course, is that it long since has been, whether you have known it or not. But I trust you. I trust you entirely, and as I never have with anyone before. I know that even if you do not- even if you cannot love me in the same fashion- that you would never purposefully bring me any hurt. It is not fear for my own heart (not entirely, at least) that I cannot be sure when or if I will ever deliver this letter, my confession to you, but yours.
I know that I will hardly love you less for the distance that will soon come between us, but is it fair to burden you with this, with my heart when I cannot truly offer you the rest of myself with it? If by some miracle you should feel something similar we cannot hope to see one another with any regularity for six months or more while I am training and you are continuing your research and studies. You deserve more than that, even if you may not like to admit it.
I don't think I will deliver this.
Not now, at least. But I shall nevertheless continue to treasure our friendship, and if I cannot be entirely eager to be leaving you for the Jaeger Academy, then I can at least anxiously look forward to hearing from you and about all your many accomplishments during my absence. You are so much more than anyone, even (or perhaps especially-) you give yourself credit for. I am proud of you. Always. And prouder still to call you my friend.
Unequivocally Yours,
Hermann