Chapter Text
To: the most problematic chat
mr. kim chiisgood:
OMEHUJDEF
HISJKDNUHICNESHICM
mother hen:
wtf happened now
mr. kim chiisgood:
HYNUG AND I WREE IN LINE FOR SRATBUKCS
N TEH BARISTA AKDES HOWH E COUDL HELP HIM
N HE WENT "UH YES"
UIWDYWUDMWUFNMWON
namjones:
it's amazing how i can still understand you despite all the typis
diminie:
typis
mother hen:
typis
mr. kim chiisgood:
typis
namjones:
oh shut up you know what i mean
mother hen:
well i certainly don't, so pls elaborate
and which hyung, you have like 19324892157 hyungs in your contacts
diminie:
it's probably hobi-hyung, let's be honest
he keeps saying he's a hoe but he's more awkward than namjoon-hyung when he was still trying to date seokjin-hyung
hoesucc:
hEy
namjones:
hEy
for your information i was not awKWaRd, i was trying to be polite in case i read hyung's vibes wrong!
hoesucc:
joon-ah, i'm sorry but jin-hyung's vibes were so obviously gay i was scared he'd take matters into his own hands and sit on your dick
and anyway i'm rIGhT HERE EXCUSE YOU HOES
THE BARISTA WAS CUTE OK HOLY SHIT IHIJSDBFWQHD
HE HAD THE SEXIEST HANDS I WANNA CHOKE ON MY TEA
mr. kim chiisgood:
hyung you're drinking coffee not tea
namjones:
ok fine i was awkward so whAt fuck you all
mother hen:
awww joonie don't worry i found it cute <3 <3
diminie:
will you all stfu i wanna hear more istg
mother hen:
don't say the lord's name in vain jimin-ah that's bad for your health
diminie:
fUCK YOU I KNOW YOU'RE BUDDHIST
mr. kim chiisgood:
children cHILDREN i need you all to actually SHUT Up to tell my damn story!!
ok so listen up this is gonna be a wild ass ride
diminie:
listening
mother hen:
listening
namjones:
listening
hoesucc:
efjifkmxuincg pls iT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS CUTE
mr. kim chiisgood:
so as i said, hyung and i were in line at starbucks, like the one that we never go to even tho it's better than the one near campus bec it's too far away
and hyung had volunteered to order for us bec he knows i have crippling anxiety so yeah
diminie:
tae we literally fucked in the janitor's closet when we first met what is this crippling anxiety you speak of
mr. kim chiisgood:
stfu anyway it's finally our turn and i'm on my phone because i have no responsibilities and then i realise that hyung's just been standing there???? without saying anything????
so ofc i look up and he's got his mouth wide open and i'm like nudging him because people are starting to get annoyed and then the barista clears his throat and i swear hyung DIES
hoesucc:
HISHNDGWHKNFOOM
mr. kim chiisgood:
so the barista goes "hi how can i help you today?"
and hyung answers "um, yes"
and i nearly dropped my phone it was so silent omg even people 5 spots down the line went quiet HHHHHHH
namjones:
ok not to be a wet blanket but hoseok is always like this why is this a big deal
hoesucc:
excUSE ME
namjones:
you are excused :)
mr. kim chiisgood:
nO BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE BARISTA GUY LOOKED SO UNIMPRESSED AND HE WENT "THEY DON'T PAY ME ENOUGH FOR THIS WTF IS YOUR ORDER" AND HYUNG WAS MUMBLING AND HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR HIS NAME?????
AND THEN WHEN HIS NAME WAS CALLED OUT ONE OF THE OTHER BARISTAS LITERALLY SAID "CARAMEL MACCHIATO FOR UM YES"
mother hen:
OIIWSWNINOMFG THIS BARISTA GUY SOUNDS GREAT
diminie changed hoesucc's name to um yes
um yes changed um yes's name to um no
diminie changed um no's name to um yES
um yES:
omg pls leave me alone i want to disintegrate into ash erwhrfcngcreimen
diminie:
no can do my precious hyung
this is for all the times you made me stay back for dance practice when i could've gone home and fucked tae
namjones:
...is there really any need to bring your sex lives into this?
mr. kim chiisgood:
yes because hyung has been a cockblock since he started living with us and our dicks are SUFFERING
um yES:
bitch i've had to suffer the pain of being a third wheel for a year and a half
i've always been so considerate towards your priVAcY
and this is how i am treated in return????
how fuckign ungrateful
diminie:
it's your own damn fault that you moved in with us
you could have moved in with seokjin-hyung and whoever it is he's rooming with
um yES:
no thnx i don't want him nagging at me all day
mother hen:
see if i bring you food anymore you ungrateful ass bitch
but moving on to a more serious topic
what does the barista look like?
mr. kim chiisgood:
an old grandpa
um yES:
an angel
WTF TAE HE'S BEAUTIFUL HOW FUCKING DARE YOU
namjones:
enlightening as your clashing opinions may be, they do nothing to help the situation
diminie:
namjoon-hyung sounds like he just quoted game of thrones
mother hen:
i actually agree, i might know the guy
actual descriptions pls
um yES:
hhhhhh ok
he's really pale??? about the same height as jimin and older(?) than me, he's got hair that's dyed baby blue i think
and his eyes are so adorable like they're all droopy and they look sleepy all the time but HUDSNDWWAHN THEY MAKE HIM LOOK SOFT
BUT THEN HIS HANDS LOOK LIKE THEY BEEN SCULPTDE BY THE GODS THEMSELVE SHOLY SHIT I WANT THEM TO CHOKE ME
namjones:
well ain't this awkward
mother hen:
yes
very, very awkward
diminie:
am i missing something??? what am i missing??? :ooooo
mr. kim chiisgood:
omg they must know the barista dude
um yES:
?!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!!?!?!?
mother hen:
ok hobi-ah, whatever you do pls don't panic
but the description you just gave me matches perfectly well with a guy i know
especially the hair
namjones:
and the hands
don't forget about the hands
mother hen:
oh, right, the hands, so uh
um yES:
IUNWIDAGFWN GET TO THE POINT I'M ABOUT TO WITHER AWAY HERE
mother hen:
sdsjfsjdfs ok sheesh
i think the guy you're talking about is min yoongi?
namjones:
about jimin's height, right? skin looks like he hasn't seen the sun for 5 years?
diminie:
OMFGDHJ HOBI-HYUNG HAS A CRUSH ON YOONGI-HYUNG I--
and hyung he's not my height, i'm taller than him i swear
mr. kim chiisgood:
WHO TF IS MIN YOONGI
GUYS I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING LEFT OUT OF TEH LOOP HERE
diminie:
fkgjldglhjklf yoongi-hyung is the guy that shares a studio with namjoon-hyung
you know??? seokjin-hyung's roommate?
mr. kim chiisgood:
rOOMMATE?!?!?!?!
um yES:
brb bitches i'm just gonna go jump off a cliff real quick