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Don’t get her wrong, Pidge likes Keith.
She’s just not a fan of him sucking her friend’s blood.
“You don’t know that.” Hunk sighs, rolling his eyes exasperated as he takes a sip from his cup when Pidge brings up the topic for the twelth time on the week. It’s only tuesday. “You are just paranoid.”
Paranoid her ass .
“Your butt is not as big as your paranoia; believe me , Pidge.”
“Can you, like, stop reading my mind, please and thank you?” Pidge grumbles, arms crossed over her chest as she glares at the couple a few tables from them.
When Lance told them a few weeks ago that he managed to get a date with the cute guy from his astronomy class, Pidge had been really happy for her friend. When he told them about their first kiss on their third date, Pidge had laughed and cheered with him, her mocking gags as Lance had described the kiss just making him laugh gleefully.
When Lance told them that Keith and him were official, Pidge had done a playful funeral for Lance’s ‘Bachelor Loverboy Status’ but deep inside, she had been ecstatic for her friend.
Until she saw the bites; it had been one faithful day when Lance arrived to their session with a white patch on his neck, saying he had an accident but Pidge had seen the two red dots that slowly growing on the white patch. She remembers Keith’s face from that day with a pleased happy smile as he eyed almost hungrily Lance’s neck before he would participate on the conversation.
“It’s not my fault that you are easy to read,” Hunk shrugs, raising a single finger to poke her between her eyebrows, “Your face tells a lot.”
Pidge ignores him. “Hunk, I’m telling you! There’s something fishy going on here; like, remember that time he came to our study session with two red dots on his wrist?”
“It’s mosquitos’ season, Pidge. You had so many bites of them that it looked like you had chicken pox.”
"Besides the point .” Pidge hisses, slapping the back of her hand against her open palm, “Ever since Keith arrived, Lance has been...different.”
“In love?” Hunk coos.
Pidge makes a face. “Ew and no. He’s been more quiet, pale skin and angry red pairs of dots all over his body, always barely a inch apart. You can’t look at me in the eye and tell me that’s not the symptoms of being a vampire’s victim!”
Hunk leans forward, his dark eyes never leaving Pidge’s lighter ones. “That’s not vampire’s victim symptoms.”
Pidge throws her arms in the air. “Fool! You will see, you all soon see the light!”
“Yeah! You tell them, Pidgey!”
“Lance, do you even know what we are talking about?” Hunk asks, arching an eyebrow at his best friend and shakes his head in amusement when the brunet shrugs.
“I mean, no? But Pidge sounds really passionate, I wanted to support that!”
Keith snorts loudly, giggles shaking his entire frame as he laughs and leans closer to Lance’s side, holding his tanned arm for support and Lance’s attention is quickly back on Keith, a bright blinding smile spreading over his face.
Ok, that’s cute as fuck but it won’t stop her from unmasking the blood-sucking emo vamp and save her dumb friend.
So, she makes a list of what she knows about vampires that will help her unmask the mullet demon.
1) Vampires have quick reflexes.
“This is not a good idea.”
“Shut up, Hunk, I know what I’m doing.” Pidge hisses lowly, hands playing with the football ball in them as she narrows her eyes at both Keith and Lance, them being just a few feet from them.
She smirks and jumps a little on her spot before she raises her arm and throws.
“Hey, Keith! Catch!”
“Ow! What the fuck, Pidge! Why - Babe , stop laughing! Keith !”
“To be fair,” Hunk starts, arms crossed over his chest as he watches the scene unfold in front of him, “Keith could have totally catched that if it wasn’t for your poor aiming.”
“Shut up, Hunk.”
9) Vampires have great hearing.
“Wow, Professor Coran mustache is wild today, huh?” Pidge whispers, voice barely audible as she sits in between Lance and Keith during their class, “I mean, it’s like a bird nested on it and didn’t pay rent.”
Keith snorts, hand pressed against his mouth as he tries to contain his snickers and Pidge can’t be sure of the source because Lance leans closer to her, nuding her annoyingly.
“What? What did you say?”
“Lance, shut up and pay attention.”
“It’s not my fault you’re whispering, why are you whispering?”
“You are also whispering.”
“Because you’re whispering!”
“I can whisper if I want, buttface!”
“Well I can whisper too if I want. Ya can’t stop me!”
“Neither of you is no longer whispering,” A voice cuts them off, making both teens to turn their heads towards the front of the classroom, meeting Professor Coran’s aunamused glare, “but both of you are staying after class. Now pay attention.”
“Yes, Professor Coran.”
“Losers.” Keith whispers and while Pidge gasps at him offended, Lance just arches an eyebrow.
“What? What he said?”
15) Vampires hate garlic.
“Not to be mean, but you look a little green there, Keith.” Keith groans in response, half of his face hidden on Lance’s neck as he leans closer to his boyfriend’s side.
Lance hums, hands brushing back Keith’s bangs as he bites his lip in worry as he answers Hunk. “He catched a bug last night; we are going to see Allura later on the day if he gets worse.”
“That sucks.” Pidge says sympicathically, feeling sorry for the guy. Just because she wants to expose him as a blood-sucker doesnt mean she doesn’t want him well and healthy. “Sooo, that means you don’t want a garlic knot, Keith?”
Okay, mostly well and healthy.
Pidge shoves a big bowl of fresh garlic knots up to his nose, a big happy grin in her face. Keith’s reaction is immediate, quickly shoving Pidge’s bowl back before he stands up and runs towards the bathroom.
“Pidge, really?” Hunk deadpans and Pidge shrugs innocently.
“What? I was being friendly.”
“Pidge.” Lance groans, rolling his eyes before he stands up and heads towards the bathroom where he’s boyfriend’s currently throwing up.
His head pops out of the door’s frame a few seconds later. “Can you save those knots for me later?”
“No.”
32) Vampires can’t touch holy water.
Sneaking the holy water was simple enough. Pouring it on one of the drinks on the counter near Keith was even simpler.
The older teen leans against the wall next to the counter, eyes fond and smitten as he watches Lance teaching Hunk dance for his upcoming date with Shay.
Pidge hops on the counter, her legs swinging in mid air as she whistles innocently. “Wow, watching them dance so much made me thirsty. Hey, Keith, do you want something to drink?”
Keith blinks at her before he smiles and nods, mumbling a soft ‘thanks Pidge’ when the younger teen reaches almost impatiently around her before she passes him a glass.
Pidge waits silently, watching almost in slow motion as Keith picks up the glass and brings it up to his lips. She cheers when Keith immediately spats it out.
“Yeah! Yeah, that’s right ! I knew it! You -!”
“Lance! You left your coconut water near normal people’s drinks!” Keith shouts, pushing the glass away from him as he wipes his dripping chin with his sleeve, oblivious to the way Pidge’s mouth snaps shut. “You keep this garbage away from me!”
“You take that back, you monster!”
“Make me!”
The heated argument turns into a tickle fight between the two teens and Pidge stares blankly at the scene in from of her. She waves silently as a greeting when Hunk comes to stand next to her.
“You mixed up the cups?”
“I mixed up the cups.”
“On the bright side, they are cuddling now. That’s cute.”
“I need that holy water in my eyes now, what the fuck .”
It’s movie night when Keith strikes.
All that Pidge sees is Keith’s face, leaning down down until his mouth is on Lance’s neck and then Lance gasps, softly and quietly, when Keith’s mouths starts playful biting his skin.
“Keith, ah , no, wait -”
She pushes the popcorn bowl in her hands towards Hunk, ignoring his yelp of surprise, before she jumps.
“Lance, no!”
Lance yelps, grunting in pain when his face collies with the floor the moment Pidge shoves him hard out of the way. He barely has time to blink before Pidge’s all over his boyfriend.
“You leave my friend alone, you blood-sucking emo vamp!” Pidge shouts, opening her small bottle of holy water and pouring it all over Keith’s shocked face, “The power of Jesus compels you!”
“That, oh my god, that’s not what you, pffft I can’t.” Hunk laughs, leaning against the wall as he laughs and hides his face in his hands.
“Pidge! Why the fuck are you trying to exorcise my boyfriend?” Lance shouts, quickly picking her off Keith and setting her down on the floor, making sure to put himself in between them, “ Pidge !”
“I mean! He’s basically a demon? Like, a blood sucking demon, ya know?” Pidge frowns, tapping her foot against the floor impatiently as she glares up at her friend, “I thought it applied to all demons!”
“He’s not a dem -! Wait, blood sucking?” Lance asks, tilting his head to the side as he eyes Pidge with curiosity, “What are you talking about?”
“Lance!” Pidge groans, dragging her hands down her face in exasperation, “ Lance , your boyfriend’s a vampire!”
Silence and then…
“ Oh .”
“Excuse me!” Keith yelps, bangs sticking to his face as a few drops of water continue to drip from his hair, “I’m a what? Lance ! Stop laughing!”
“Sorry, sorry, I just - Oh, God, this is priceless!” Lance laughs, holding his stomach as he bends over, “You, hah , you thought Keith was a vampire?”
“And you were his blood bank slave, yes ! Keep up, dude!” Pidge shouts annoyed and her frown only grows when Lance raises his hand like in class.
“Okay, okay, hold up. First off, you got the wrong guy.” Lance chuckles, shaking his head as he helps Keith get up from the floor and passes him a napkin, “And second of all, I’m not a blood sucking demon, thank you very much. I’m vegan; drinking blood is from the old century.”
Pidge blinks. One, two, three times.
“Ack! Pidge ! Was throwing holy water at me necessary¡?”
“You are a vampire¡?” Pidge screams instead, picking one of the couch’s cushions and throwing at Lance, pleased when it hits him straight on the face, “You asshole, since when!”
“I’m half-vampire, chill! And from my dad’s side.” Lance explains, quickly dodging the incoming cushion aimed at him, “I thought you knew!”
“Does it looks like I knew?” Pidge screams, pouting when she sees no more cushions around her. She nods pleased when Keith passes her a box of tissues, “Thanks, Keith. Sorry I thought you were a vampire.”
“It’s okay, Pidge. Kick his ass.”
“ Babe !”
“I got Vampire Proof because of you, let me enjoy this moment of justice.”
“You know if you think about it, it makes sense.” Hunk hums behind the commotion, “I mean, Lance and his family are the only people I know that drink coconut water and actually enjoy it.”
“It has the same nutrients that we need and that blood has!” Lance sighs, rolling his eyes, “Have you seen blood? It’s so thick and heavy, like, no thanks.”
“The other time, I cut myself while I was making dinner and Lance gagged the whole time while he cleaned it.” Keith snickers, blowing a kiss towards his boyfriend when the other pouts.
“I feel so attacked.” Lance mumbles, dodging yet again another book from Pidge, “Quite literally attacked. Pidge, please stop.”
“Sorry, sorry, it got funny the way you danced.” Pidge says, rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly, “So, blood for you is a no-no?”
“I’m from Cuba, Pidge. I’m literally a Tropical Vampire.”
“Fancy.”
“Shut up, Hunk.”
She tilts her her to the side in suspicion. “What about the white patch you had a few weeks ago?”
“Hickey.” Keith deadpans, nodding in thanks when Hunk passes him the popcorn.
“Babe!”
“And the red dots? The bite marks?” Pidge ask urgently.
“Mosquitos’ season, you know that, Pidge.”
“Hah! I told you!”
Pide hums, her index finger tapping her chin in deep thought. “Alright, alright so, as a conclusion: Keith’s not a vampire and Lance sucks as a vampire.”
“Yup.”
“Accurate.”
“Fucking attacked.”