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“Come on, we can’t invite the crybaby.” Aaron complained, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.
“But think about how funny it would be! It’s just a harmless haunted house. He’ll get over it. I promise.” Neal poked at his friend who sighed in agitation.
“It’s just going to be annoying but...he’s your friend so if you want to bring him I guess I can’t stop you.”
Neal slapped Aaron’s back in victory and grinned. “It’ll be funny, trust me. Besides, he’s been begging me to invite him out places.”
Aaron raised an eyebrow. “I thought he hated people. And going outside for that mater.”
“He does. The other day he told me that he’s trying to ‘get out of his shell’ and ‘widen out’ or something. He’s desperate to people please.”
“Whatever. You’re the babysitter though.”
Dan's POV
One of Dan’s hands played with the strap of his overalls as he leaned anxiously against the wall outside the classroom. His other hand was balled into a fist inside the sleeve of his lavender sweater as he stared at the floor. He nervously tightened and untightened his hold on the soft fabric, aware of the occasional stare someone sent his way. They must be wondering why he looked so terrified. If someone asked, he wouldn’t have been able to explain though. Dan always felt this way. He was especially terrified today though.
This morning he received a text from Neal asking to meet him here at the end of the school day. Dan knew what his friend was going to ask. It was all Dan’s fault too. He’d told Neal that he wanted to try and widen out. Graduation was in only a few months and he wanted to do all the things he’d always been afraid to do. Sure, it was a little late but at least he was attempting it, right? Wrong. As soon as the words had escaped his mouth he’d regretted it. He wished desperately he could take them back because Neal was not one to ignore a challenge and that’s exactly what Dan had given him.
He’d heard all the other students talking about a legendary haunted house they were going to this weekend and he knew instantly that it was where Neal would want to take him.
A whine escaped Dan’s throat and he felt tears prick hotly at his eyes just at the thought.
“Hey Danny boy.”
Dan jumped at the voice and gripped his overall strap like a life line. Neal laughed awkwardly.
“Sorry there buddy.”
“I-it’s okay.” Dan attempted standing straighter and even forced himself to look Neal in his blue eyes. He’d known Neal nearly his entire life. Their friendship left a bitter taste in Dan’s mouth if he thought about it too much but that’s why he didn’t. Neal hadn’t always been a good friend, Dan knew that. But Dan probably made some mistakes in their relationship too. Like the time two years ago when Neal had a party and they were all playing truth and dare. Dan hadn’t really wanted to play, he never liked how the games ended but he had agreed to it after Neal pressured him. So it was Dan’s fault when it was his turn and he’d been dared to kiss a boy he’d always found attractive. The boy was older than him too which added to his nerves. He’d been nervous but excited. When he closed his eyes and gave the black haired boy named Phil a quick, inexperienced kiss everyone had laughed in amusement. It had not been gross to Dan. It had felt right. But when the two had reconnected their lips for a deeper kiss then everyone gasped and shoved them apart abruptly.
That’s why it was Dan’s fault that Neal had treated him a little differently since that day. Phil had graduated and Dan had never seen him again. It was probably for the best.
“You know how you mentioned wanting to ‘widen out’?” Neal raised his eyebrows excitedly.
“Yeah…about that, I-”
“I have the perfect thing!” Neal interrupted. “Me and a couple of friends are going to the haunted house everyone’s been talking about tonight.”
Dan clasped his fingers together behind his back and swallowed.
“There won’t be too many of us so don’t worry. It’ll be fun and then afterwards we were going to go out for a bite to eat. Let our nerves settle.” He laughed.
Dan ducked his head. He realized that his back was against the wall still and with Neal so close and asking so much of him he suddenly felt claustrophobic. His heart pounded against his ribs. “Neal, I don’t think I can.” Neal frowned and guilt flooded Dan’s already overwhelmed emotions. “I’m sorry, I just-”
Neal took a step closer, whether he was intending to be intimidating or not, Dan found him to be. “But you said you wanted me to invite you places. I was proud of you for saying that. I thought of places to go and things to do and the very first thing I suggest, you say no?” He whispered harshly.
Tears burned Dan’s eyes again. He wanted more than anything to just cry but Neal hated when he did that. Called him names even. His friend saw his watery eyes and shook his head in disgust.
“Not the tears Howell. Really? You know what? Fine. But I tried Dan. I tried to be a good friend.” He started to walk away and a horrified squeak came from Dan’s mouth. Neal was all he had. He couldn’t lose him and yet here he was, Dan’s only friend, walking away. He swallowed his tears down and forced his weak voice to make a sound.
“Neal, wait! I’ll go okay? I’ll go. I know you’re trying to help.”
Neal turned around smiling. “Really?! Great!” I’ll see you at my house at 9 okay?” With that his friend was jogging down the hall. By now almost everyone had left the school in a hurry to return home on their Friday so Dan slid down the wall and held his knees. He finally couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He had the sudden need to find something sharp, to feel a piece of glass along his skin, to have a reason for tears. No, he told himself, wrapping both of his fists in his sweater so as to keep them locked away from himself. No no no! You’re not doing that again! Dan had stopped cutting months ago but sometimes the desire was there like a snake. Just when he thought it was gone, when he couldn’t see it, it would jump out from the darkness and strike. He’d tried so hard though and all by himself he’d overcome the monster within his mind. He needed to do something to distract himself so he forced his legs under him and stood. Tonight he was going to be with people, with friends. He needed to look good. He could focus his attention on that. Not on the horrid, terrible things he’d see tonight but on taking a hot shower, scrubbing his body till he smelled like his lemon body gel, finding cute pale clothes, and even letting his hair go curly. Yeah, he hadn’t done that in a while. Neal would like that he tried something new.
Phil’s POV
“It’s just not really my thing, sorry.” Phil shrugged and returned to painting more blood onto the mask.
“But you’re so good at making this stuff! It’s so realistic!” PJ waved his hands desperately in front of Phil’s face.
“Maybe so but making it and using it to scare poor high schoolers out of their minds are completely different things.” Phil poked PJ with his paint brush, leaving a red smudge on his cheek. His friend scoffed and wiped it off with a piece of newspaper laying on Phil’s messy crafts table.
“It’s hilarious. I can’t imagine how you don’t see the fun in this. We were their age just a couple years ago. Remember how cocky and ready to take over the world we were? Well I want to ruin that for them.” He stated simply.
Phil didn’t look up from his work but couldn’t help a smile. “You want to end their eagerness for being an adult before the world does it for them?”
PJ clapped his hands together. “Exactly!”
Phil shook his head, still smiling. “You’re horrible.”
“And you’re too wonderful. You need this. You need to be ruined a little too apparently. You haven’t done anything in forever.”
“Wrong. I’ve been making this.” Phil finished the final touch on his mask and held it up proudly.
PJ raised an eyebrow at it. “I mean, it’s terrifying, but what is it?”
Phil cocked his head. “Not sure. It just kind of happened.”
“Kind of looked like a clown mixed with slender man.” PJ suggested.
“Then I shall call it, Clownder Man!”
PJ snorted. “You’re such a dork.” His friend huffed a disappointed breath of air and held his hands before him, going back to begging. “Please Phil, please do this with me. Some old high school friends will be there. We’ll get to catch up, see some hot girls, some hot guys.” PJ nudged suggestively at Phil’s arm. Phil rolled his eyes. “All you have to do is wear that mask, stand behind a fake tree, and jump out a few times. It’ll be fun. I mean come on, these people are going to a haunted house because they want to be scared. Indulge them!”
Phil set down Clownder Man and lolled his head back. It was true that he hadn’t done anything interesting lately. This would certainly be interesting. And PJ was right. These youngsters were going to be scared. He would only be giving them what they wanted. And he’d admit there were a few people he hadn’t seen since graduation that he’d enjoy catching up with.
“Alright, fine. But you owe me big time.”
“No way, after this you’ll have had so much fun that I’ll be the one needing pay back.”
Dan’s POV
“Oh my God Dan, you’ve already thrown up twice and we’re not even there yet.” Aaron said is disbelief as Dan held his hand over his mouth, his eyes widening at the site of a body dangling from a tree by its neck.
Dan could not say that he really knew Aaron but he’d spent enough time with him to know he didn’t particularly like him. He was a good friend of Neal’s but seemingly enjoyed poking at Dan’s already low self-esteem.
“At least he hasn’t cried…yet.” Neal mumbled, thinking Dan couldn’t hear him. Dan did though, and his chest squeezed with the insult. He swallowed the bile rising in his throat. All he’d thought for the last hour was why am I here, why I am here, please let me go home, why did I come, oh WHY DID I COME!? At least he could be grateful that he hadn’t eaten before coming. Or rather maybe he should of eaten so he’d have more to throw up than just stomach acid.
“I’m good. We can go now.” Dan said even though the last he felt ready to do was go into the haunted house just a block away.
“Finally. I’m not stopping again.” Aaron grumbled as he walked ahead. At least Neal stayed back with him.
“Thanks.” Dan told Neal. He could see the irritation on his friends face and slipped his hands into his back pockets.
He’d decided to go with purple skinny jeans after trying on far too many clothes from his closet. They aren’t quite purple though are they, he thought to himself early that evening as he held them in front of the mirror in his room. They were more maroon…red…pink? Pomegranate! Pomegranate was the perfect word and he smiled brightly at himself. Yes, he thought, this may be my new favorite color. He had a new favorite every week it seemed though. Along with his pomegranate jeans he’d carefully chosen a black sweater with a pink nebula. He only wore it on special occasions. “That’s not very Halloween looking.” Neal had said when he saw him. This was not feeling like a special occasion. He didn’t even mention his curly hair.
Aaron and Neal, now ahead of him, walked up the stone path leading to the haunted house as if it were nothing. As if there weren’t graves with moving limbs, or the sound of bats from a speaker that made it sound as though they were going to land in Dan’s hair at any second. The worst was the blood though. Why did people want to see so much blood and death? Maybe it was because the thought of ending his own life had come to Dan’s mind in the past and now that he no longer felt that way, to see it made him ill. Those horrific images of himself he envisioned flashed back and he whined. He held onto his wrist as if to bring comfort to the paling scars.
That’s not you Dan. You’re not hanging from a tree, you’re not bleeding out on the grass. You don’t want that. You haven’t wanted that for a long time, remember?
“Dan! Keep up!” Neal’s voice pulled from his dark mind and he jogged to catch up to his friends. They stood before the front door where frightening music and sounds amplified. Aaron rubbed his hands together in excitement. Dan swallowed, and his chest felt as though a snake encircled his entire torso. He had to suck in a deep breath and even then, it only made the pain worse. If only he had stayed home. He’d be sitting in his bed reading a nice book, laughing at things on the internet, maybe even taking a hot silent bath. Instead he was here…stepping foot into a dark unknown house. Everything about this was wrong.
Inside the house the door slammed closed behind him. He wrapped his arms around his waist and whipped in a circle. Aaron chuckled in front of him.
“You’re right, this is funny now that he’s stopped puking.”
A heavy feeling came over Dan’s body and he just wanted to hide and cry and disappear. He didn’t care what Neal or anyone thought anymore. They appeared to be in the living room of the house. It was so dark though. There were carboard trees with blue back light on either side of him. On the ceiling above were white twinkling dots that were meant to be stars. Screams came from ahead followed by laughter. He needed to get out of this place.
Dan ran forward to catch up to Neal and Aaron and tell them that he was leaving when a blur of red jumped in front of him screeching. He hadn’t even known anyone was hiding in the fake trees. He’d thought he was alone in this room at least. It was the last straw for his mind and body. He shut down, accepted death, accepted defeat and humiliation. He screamed and dropped to his knees, covering his head and not attempting to stop the sobs that echoed in the small space where his arms covered his head. His entire body shook, and he whined, anticipating more to come.
Phil’s POV
Phil stared at his feet with his mouth dropped open as a boy cried on the floor. As soon as the person had fell he’d ripped his mask off thinking he’d accidentally knocked into him and hurt him or something but the body at his feet continued to quiver and wail.
“Hey, hey are you okay?” He said cautiously. Should he help the stranger up or would that only embarrass him?
Just then a guy ran in from the other room with his eyebrows furrowed. He looked concerned at first and Phil figured this must be the boys friend but then the person saw the figure curled up on the ground and stopped. His expressions quickly changed to anger and he balled his hands into fists at his side.
“Dan! Dan get up! What the hell are you doing? It sounded like you’d been shot or something.” When the boy didn’t get up his supposed friend waved him off. “You know what, forget it. You’re on your own Dan. Go home cry baby.”
Phil couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Without a second thought the guy left. Phil was left alone with this crying stranger on the floor before him and guilt wracking every part of his body. He dropped down to his knees and laid a hand on the stranger’s shoulder.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m really sorry. Really, really sorry. I didn’t know you’d get scared that badly. I wouldn’t have jumped out like that.” There was no response, only more sobs. “Dan is it? That’s your name? Hey, lets get out of the way so people can walk by okay? Come here.” Phil grabbed the boy’s arm and gently untucked it from around his head. Only then did he realize just how terrified this person truly was. “Poor thing, I’m sorry.” He mumbled over and over again. Dan let him take his arm and even got to his knees so that he was kneeling. Phil guided him to where he had been hiding behind one of the trees so the other people could get by.
“If it helps any I’m the only one in this room that supposed to scare you. No one else will scare you, I promise.”
At that, the boy looked up at him. Phil’s eyes widened when the brown eyes connected with his. Seconds later his cheeks burned with the recognition. He knew this person. He knew this Dan. This is the same boy that had kissed him at a party over two years ago. It was a dare but they both seemed to realize abruptly how right it felt before they had been brutally torn apart by their friends. He’d never gotten the boys name, but that kiss had changed him. It would do Dan no good to remind him of that moment just now though. Maybe the boy didn’t even want to remember that night. Maybe it had been a different experience for Dan than it had Phil.
“Are you sure?”
Dan looked so distrusting of Phil’s promise that it broke his heart.
“Yes, I’m sure. Was…was that your friend that came in here a second ago?”
Dan looked in the direction that the guy had gone. “Yeah.” His head hung. “Neal. He doesn’t like when I cry. Not that I like when I cry either.” He wiped the tears from his eyes with his oversized black shirt.
Phil purse his lips and thought maybe distracting Dan would be the best thing to do. “I like your shirt.” He said genuinely.
Dan relaxed at that, cocking his head and smiling. His shoulders sagged a little and he tugged at one of the sleeves. “Thanks. It’s one of my favorites. I don’t wear it that often.”
Phil sat down cross legged beside Dan which seemed to amuse the calming boy. “If it’s your favorite then why don’t you wear it that often?”
Dan looked at him incredulously. “I don’t want to ruin it. And then I have to wash it and it’ll stretch out and get holes.”
“But unless you use it, it won’t know it’s your favorite.” Phil smiled teasingly.
“I guess so.” Dan smiled back. It faded quickly though and just like that the boy was curling in on himself.
“I’m sorry about scaring you. Funny enough I didn’t want to do this. I just like theater and making masks and my friend thought this one was really cool and scary and wanted me to help and so I did. I hate pranking people though. It makes me feel bad.”
Dan dared to peek up at him under his curly fringe, waiting for something?
Phil opened his mouth to speak, shut it, and then tried again. “I know you, don’t I.” He said quietly.
Dan hesitated before nodding slowly and folding his arms awkwardly. Phil smiled and reached over, gently pulling the arms apart. “It’s okay.” He assured him. “You don’t have to feel awkward. That was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”
The boy’s eyes widened. “I-I didn’t know what I was doing. I’d never done it before. I’d never kissed a girl before or a boy and I-”
Phil held a hand up and Dan stopped stumbling over his words. His eyes were watering and Phil regretted working him up again. “It was perfect. I’d never felt anything like that. I’d never kissed a boy before either.”
Dan watched him unsurely. “No?”
“No. And I haven’t kissed anyone since because that first time was so perfect I was afraid to ruin it. I want to remember that kissing someone should feel like that.”
They stared at one another for a long time. Phil listened to the sounds of the haunted house, the screams, giggling, creaking floors. He heard it, but he wasn’t listening. He was watching the eyes of the boy in front of him, watching the way his chest rose and fell, the rhythm of the pulse just below his jaw, the finger twitching at his side as if it wanted to do something but was too afraid to move. Dan had apparently also been noticing these things. Phil saw his throat move up and down before he bravely opened his mouth.
“Your eyes are blue. Blue like Neal’s but I don’t feel scared or hurt when I look at you.” He seemed intrigued and confused by this fact.
“Dan?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you?”
Dan took in a small gasp and his fingers clenched and unclenched anxiously. “What if I ruin it? What if it’s not the same?” He whispered.
Phil inched closer. His body knew what it wanted. Perhaps it even knew what he needed. “I don’t think you’re going to ruin it. Please.” Phil didn’t think he could live until he knew.
Dan watched him carefully. Phil leaned forward until mere centimeters separated them. He waited. Dan gave him the slightest of nods before he closed the distance. Stars exploded behind Phil’s eyes at the first touch of their lips. He thought that was as incredible as anything could ever be but then Dan dared to move his lips, to overlap Phil’s. And then he pushed forward the tiniest bit and Phil’s mouth fell open in amazement. It was better than the first time. If last time was perfect, then what could be used to describe this? For several long seconds neither of them breathed. They focused on the small movements between them. Phil grazed his hand along Dan’s arm. His fingers tentatively trailed up to the boy’s neck and then played with his hair. Dan let out a soft groan that made electricity spark in Phil’s gut. He skimmed his finger tips over the boys back and shoulder blades. One of Dan’s hands found their way to the side of his cheek while the other left heat in their wake trailing up Phil’s forearm. Every touch between them was soft and careful. Phil’s fingers danced over Dan’s jaw and the boys’ mouth fell open wider, allowing more access for them both. Only seconds into the deeper, needier kiss it became necessary for Phil to breath again. At that moment he thought that all he needed to stay alive was Dan, but his body demanded more than that and he unhurriedly pulled away. He felt suddenly empty without the warmth of Dan’s lips there. He kept his eyes closed, savoring every flutter of his heart.
Finally, he felt ready to open them and found Dan watching him in amazement. They didn’t say anything or move for a long time. It seemed everything was being said through that intense gaze. Eventually Dan swallowed and backed away, letting Phil’s hands fall from his cheek to his lap. They both leaned against one of the fake trees behind them and stared up at the twinkling ceiling. Silently they found one another’s hand and just sat there.
Phil sat up straighter and picked up the godforsaken terror mask from beside him and flipped it around in his lap. Dan looked over at it eerily.
“What-” He started and then had to clear his throat. “What is that anyway?” He asked. Phil smiled and handed it to him to examine, letting their hands linger on one another’s for just a second.
“It’s a Clownder Man.”
Dan looked at him and furrowed his brows in a way that made Phil brighten. “A what?”
“A Clownder Man. Slender Man and a Clown.”
Dan finally grinned back and stared back down at the mask. “I think we can come up with a better name than that.”