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“Why am I doing this again?” Dave asked, in a tone that could be more called 'whining,' and was better associated with five year old children than adult businessmen.
He looked at his reflection for the twelfth time in the past sixty seconds – still sexy as fuck in a suit with the tie slightly loosened and a few buttons undone in a manner that's meant to suggest casual dishevelment, but he actually spent about twenty minutes perfecting the look. It's the appearance that counts, not the reality. That's what television and movies had taught him, and if he wanted to make it big in the business he had damn well better believe every word of it.
“Because you don't refuse the request of a woman like Jade Harley,” Dirk answered.
“I can't understand why she wants to meet me,” Dave continued, smoothing his hair down one more time with a comb. “Like, especially in a situation like this. I could understand something like oh hey fellow intelligent coworker we should all get together sometime and let me meet your family because they sound kind of cool this has been lovely thanks for sharing your expensive wine now I'm heading home and we'll talk about it tomorrow at work and then never speak of it again because I was just doing it to be polite kind of deal. You know? But this is almost like the weirdest not-really-blind date ever recorded in the history of poor schmucks being set up together by their well-intentioned friends that are just sick of dealing with a third wheel every time they go out for drinks.”
Dirk groaned and ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up even more in outlandish directions. “Look, she said you 'sounded cute' and that she'd 'really like to meet you.' I don't know why she picked this venue. Maybe it just happens to be convenient for her. Maybe she is really interested in you. I don't fucking know. Now if you don't hurry up and leave you're going to be late to meet her at a place that is literally a five minute walk away.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, I'm going... just, bro, what the hell did you say about me to get a certified genius interested?”
“Leave!”
“Yeah, alright, bye.”
Dave grabbed his keys and his wallet and headed out. A penthouse apartment, a private elevator, being within walking distance of pretty much everywhere worth walking to, and a growing career in the movie industry with some jaunts into amateur archaeology on the side. Yeah, his life was pretty fucking sweet. He usually felt pretty confident in himself. He'd been an insecure little shit back in the day, yeah, but now he was 100% comfortable with the man he was right at this moment, Mr. Dave Strider. And he was scared absolutely shitless at the prospect of meeting Jade Harley.
Certified. Genius. Well, sure, his brother was one, too. But Dirk was just Dirk. Highest quality goober extraordinaire with an unironic love of cartoon ponies and an unhealthy obsession with Batman. Sure, he could assemble complex robots in his sleep but that really didn't undo the damage caused by a preference to DC over Marvel because really, who even does that these days?
The place he was headed was pretty classy. Well, supposedly pretty classy. That's what everyone said, anyway. To him it kind of sounded like a permanent wedding reception because it had a bar, a dining area, and a dance floor with a rotation of a small string quartet and a DJ. If they made everyone do the macarena he was going to be out the door faster than a lubed-up pickle down a linoleum hallway.
As he pushed open the door he came to the uncomfortable realization that he only had a vague idea of what Jade looked like – short, brunette, wears glasses – and that he didn't have her phone number or any possible way of knowing whether she was already here or not. He was a really shitty date.
“Hi Dave!”
Well, that solved his problem. The cheerful voice was coming from a short brunette sitting at the bar and hot damn he was not expecting her to be this sexy.
Jade Harley sat on a bar stool, giving him a friendly wave and a ten million gigawatt smile that was mostly comprised of teeth a little too big for her mouth. Her glasses were Harry Potter on steroids and she had on a dress Dave was pretty sure was made out of 100% Authentic Night Sky™, with about ten feet of absolutely ridiculous hem and a plunging back and sweetheart neckline that made him absolutely certain this was A Date, capital d and everything.
He casually retrieved his jaw from the floor and told his heart to stop flipping the fuck out. He was cool. He was suave. He was Dave Strider.
He was in the presence of a Certified Genius and she was fucking gorgeous. He was going to throw up.
“Hey,” he said casually, sliding onto the stool beside hers.
Her smile kicked up another notch and his stomach was doing acrobatic fucking pirouettes inside his abdomen.
“I'm Jade,” she said. “But you probably know that already! Since you're sitting here and all.”
She swung her feet back and forth under the stool. Holy hell she was the most precious thing Dave had ever laid eyes on.
“I hope you haven't been waiting long,” he heard himself say and he internally cringed. That line was cheesier than stuffed crust from Pizza Hut.
Jade shook her head. “Nope! Just got here. I live across town, about thirty minutes by cab.”
Dave blinked. “Then why on earth did you pick this place?”
If it wasn't within walking distance, it wasn't worth going to. Taking cabs was like throwing money down a toilet that smelled like cheap cigarettes and alcohol and probably didn't speak English very well. They were usually very nice, though.
“To be convenient for you, of course!” she said, as if that were obvious. “I'm a lady, after all.”
Dave was pretty sure society would say that was a little bit backwards. But society could suck a dick because everything about their interaction was pretty backwards according to the outdated gender binary bullshit that whatever puppeteer pulled the strings of the modern world seemed to be pretty adamant about for no good reason whatsoever and he was totally okay with that.
A drink magically appeared in front of him and he blinked. Hard apple cider.
“Are you psychic?” he asked bluntly.
Jade laughed, and it was way too loud and boisterous for a place like this and it was downright perfect. Dave made a mental note that if this went anywhere serious he was going to watch as many shitty comedies with this woman as possible just to hear that constantly.
“Your brother does talk about you,” she pointed out. “It was a lucky guess with my knowledge of your unhealthy obsession with apple juice. Although I'm not really sure if that counts as unhealthy, since an apple a day keeps the doctor away and all that. Except that isn't really true, bananas are definitely a greater 'powerhouse' fruit in terms of health benefits! I don't really like bananas, though. I like mandarin oranges the best. That's actually how I befriended your brother, a mutual love of the delightful orange fruit. Except he likes his in carbonated artificial flavor form.”
She made a face, indicating her express disgust at such a bastardization of the majestic orange. Dave wholeheartedly agreed.
“Apple juice is pure fruit juice,” he said sagely. “No artificial shit for me.”
“Amen,” Jade agreed solemnly, placing her right hand over her heart.
“I think,” he began slowly, “you and I are gonna get along just fine.”
Jade grinned, delighted. “Excellent!” she proclaimed. “Because I am already quite fond of you!”
And in that moment Dave Strider would have sold his soul to the devil for Jade Harley's sake.
“Do you dance, Dave?” Jade asked suddenly.
They were several drinks and a meal into the evening and her eyes were as bright as the stars on her dress.
“Of course I dance,” Dave answered immediately.
“You don't dance,” Jade deduced.
“I don't dance,” he admitted.
She sighed and pushed her hair off of her shoulders. “Well, there's nothing for it,” she said in a long-suffering tone. “I'll just have to lead.”
Dave choked on his drink. “I don't think you understand,” he protested. “I seriously can't dance for shit.”
“Following is easy! C'mon!” she chirped, and pulled him to his feet.
The dance floor was basically empty this late at night, everyone was too drunk to dance at anything classier than a cheap nightclub.
Well, he'd be stepping on her feet, but at least he couldn't cause too much damage to anyone else.
“Your right hand goes on my left shoulder like so,” Jade instructed, “And you take mine with the other...”
Dave hoped his palms weren't sweaty. He was pretty sure his palms were sweaty. Jade, the gorgeous genius who was also apparently a saint, didn't say a word.
“Now when I step back with this foot, you follow with the one opposite,” she said, and demonstrated.
He proceeded to follow with the other foot instead and stepped on hers.
“Shit, sorry.”
Jade laughed. “It's okay! We'll try again!”
Dave squinted down at her feet.
“Don't do that!” she scolded. “It's hard to dance with someone who is staring at the floor. Feel the shift in my body instead. You might have to move a little closer.”
Dave's heart rate kicked up a notch and he swallowed hard. He stepped farther into her personal space, and she smiled coyly up at him. He was pretty sure he was going to go into cardiac arrest right then and there.
“Now I step back,” she coaxed, and this time he could feel the change in her center of balance.
He followed her without hesitation.
“Perfect!” she praised. “Now I step forward...”
This was trickier and they got tangled for a second. Dave nearly sent them both to the floor but Jade had the reflexes and approximate balance of a cat. His strifing instincts had failed him. He felt partially ashamed. But mostly smitten.
Wait a second, strifing...
Once he equated reading her movements to trying to predict what an opponent would do in a fight, he improved rapidly.
“You're doing great!” Jade enthused. “Now we can try out some actual dance steps.”
Dave gaped. “You mean we weren't already?” he exclaimed.
Jade giggled in a way that could be adequately described as 'villainous.' If he wasn't already at the bottom of the flight of infatuation stairs in a disgraceful mess of bruises and skinned knees, he would have fallen for her hard right then.
“We'll start simple,” she soothed. “But you're a natural! You should pick this up quickly!”
“Where did you learn, by the way?” Dave asked once they had established a decent rhythm with the 'box step.' He'd gotten a brief overview of her childhood in a collection of silly stories, but nothing super substantial.
“Here and there,” Jade said vaguely. “I doubt you want to hear my whole life story!”
And this was it. The moment in, if this had been a movie, Dave would prove he wasn't like the 'other guys' and actually wanted a real relationship instead of a quick lay. Well fuck that. If they were ignoring gender rolls, they were definitely doing away with tired tropes.
“Probably not,” Dave admitted. “I mean the first three years of it were probably almost exactly like mine anyway. Infants tend to be pretty similar that way. Crying, eating, shitting, sleeping, all that jazz. But a few highlights would be nice.”
Jade laughed so hard she snorted. Jesus Christ. He wanted to marry this woman.
“Well,” she began. “Would you believe I was actually an heiress?”
“Like... silver spoon, giant mansion, private jet, the whole nine yards?” That explained some of the wilder aspects of the childhood stories.
Jade nodded. “Forget just private jet, I grew up on a private island!”
“Goddamn. And I thought I had been born in affluence.”
“It was pretty much a Hollywood movie script! My parents died when I was a baby, so I was raised by my eccentric billionaire grandpa. And when I say eccentric, I mean he practiced taxidermy as a fun hobby, hunted butterflies with an antique blunderbuss taller than he was, and had a gallery of portraits of blue women.”
“That's one hell of a fetish,” Dave commented.
Jade gave him an exasperated look of 'that's what you latched onto in that whole spiel?'
“Anyway,” she continued. “He insisted I learn how to be proper lady. Which included etiquette, ballroom, foreign languages, code breaking, science, and hunting with any kind of gun I was capable of lifting.”
“Your childhood sounds fucking awesome.”
Jade grinned and nodded. “My grandpa was totally weird but he was really the best guardian ever! And a scientific genius! Everything I know I learned thanks to him.”
Dave sincerely hoped this guy was still alive, so he could give him his heartfelt thanks for having a hand in producing the marvel that was Jade Harley.
“Now no more chatter!” she exclaimed suddenly. “We've got dancing to do!”
“Yes ma'am.”
“This is called a foxtrot,” she instructed. “It's a good beginner dance, although it's quickly paced.”
Dave snorted slightly at the name of the dance. He absently pictured them as anthropomorphic foxes, prancing around together.
He shared this mental image with her. Her eyes lit up.
“That would be marvelous,” she enthused. “Two elegant hunters under the moonlight...” She sighed dreamily.
Oh. Okay then. That was interesting. And actually pretty adorable.
“Will you do the leg thing if I scratch your ear?” he asked teasingly.
Jade flushed. “Maybe,” she muttered.
“That's the most precious thing ever.”
Her nose turned solidly pink for five minutes straight.
“Anyway, foxtrot,” he reminded her.
“Oh! Right! It's not too dissimilar from the box step, but the rhythm is a little different. I step forward slowly with my left foot and then my right, and you follow by stepping back with your right and then your left. You don't bring your foot next to your other one, you pass it, just like walking.”
Dave nodded and did his best to follow her without looking at his feet.
“Now we both take a quick step to the left – my left, not yours – and quickly bring the other foot beside it.”
The 'quickly' part was what threw a wrench into the works. Dave went a little too quickly and nearly toppled them both.
Thank goodness for marksman reflexes. Jade easily righted herself and caught Dave's wrist, pulling him back up.
“Now, now,” she teasingly scolded. “You're only meant to fall for me in a metaphorical sense!”
This time it was his turn to blush.
“Let's try this again.”'
This time they managed to get the timing right, and got as far as Jade taking the backward step.
“And that's the foxtrot,” she said with a smile. “Want to lead now?”
“Nah,” Dave said. “I'm fine with this.”
Jade shrugged and smiled. “Okay! Let's keep dancing, then.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave was even cuter in person than Jade had expected him to be. It was obvious he was trying to emulate Dirk's typical emotionless expression, but he really didn't pull it off the same way. His mouth quirked up in the corners, his eyebrows seemed to have a life of their own, and a little scrunch appeared in the middle of his nose when he was confused.
And he was so much more easygoing and agreeable than Dirk! Jade marveled at that the most. She had really been expecting a Dirk duplicate. They had similar senses of humor, but that was about it. She got along with Dirk well enough, but Dave... It felt like she'd known him forever!
While she had gone into the evening planning for it to be a date, she really hadn't expected to fall for Dave so hard and so fast. And the best part was she was pretty sure Dave felt the same way. Dating a Hollywood director really was just like a movie. Well, they weren't really dating yet. This was a date but a single date did not dating make!
As they sat down to dinner they discovered they had a mutual love of swapping embarrassing stories about Dirk. Dave had great anecdotes from childhood, and Jade had plenty of tales of things that happened at work.
She had Dave laughing so hard his drink nearly came out of his nose, which she considered to be quite the accomplishment. He was even more adorable when he laughed.
She'd gotten interested in him from how Dirk talked about him. She certainly had heard plenty of embarrassing childhood stories about Dave! But she wasn't going to tell him that just yet. What had caught her attention the most was how obvious the brothers cared for each other, and she wanted to meet the boy that Dirk talked about with such blatant affection in his voice. That he was so attractive was just an extra bonus.
“So what's your story?” he asked her over dessert.
That wasn't a broad question or anything.
“Could you narrow that down a little?” she inquired with a quirked brow.
“Oh c'mon, I'm not a dumb blond,” Dave said. “Well, sometimes. But I know Dirk has told you all about the time when I was six and I got so scared by a centipede in the kitchen I had to eat dinner in the living room for a week.”
Oh, whoops. Apparently he knew without her having to tell him. She snorted, remembering that story very well. Dirk had her in absolute stitches.
“I think I deserve at least one embarrassing story in return, is all I'm saying.”
Jade put her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her folded hands, thinking.
“It's hard to say,” she finally said. “I grew up in a bit of an unconventional manner, so the things that other people would probably consider to be embarrassing I didn't even think twice about!”
An isolated island with a dog and an eccentric grandfather did wonders for a girl's confidence. Her grandpa considered practically everything she did to be precious and perfect, of course.
“Okay, I've got something!” she declared after a few moments. “I was probably five years old, and I was in the middle of my 'everything must be pink and sparkly phase.'”
“I think Dirk had one of those phases,” Dave joked.
Jade giggled. “Are you sure it was just Dirk?” she teased.
Dave stuck his tongue out at her and she grinned.
“Anyway, I took some glue and glitter from my craft supplies, and decided I needed to 'decorate' my grandpa's collection,” she continued.
“Oh man... I can see where this is going.”
She nodded. “An hour later I had covered an entire suit of authentic medieval armor with various shades of pink and purple glitter, and dubbed it Sir Fairy Princess.”
“What did your grandpa say?”
Jade smiled, fondly remembering his reaction to seeing the priceless artifact decked out in glitter from helm to sabatons.
“He decided that Sir Fairy Princess looked much better that way, but glue and glitter stayed in the craft room from then on.”
Dave snorted slightly in amusement.
“That wasn't as good of a story,” Jade sighed, realizing that it wasn't nearly as funny as any of Dave's had been, or the ones Dirk had told her about Dave.
“It wasn't as funny,” Dave admitted. “But it was really cute. Also I get to tease you about Sir Fairy Princess now.”
She hummed slightly to herself, pleased. She'd find other stories to make him laugh. Right now she was looking between her empty plate and the almost empty dance floor and concocting an idea.
“Do you dance, Dave?” she asked him curiously.
The obvious panic in his eyes gave her the answer right away. But, being easygoing Dave, he agreed to a crash course with her leading. Her grandfather had made sure she knew both roles, because you never knew when that was going to come in handy. She didn't really know if it was just part of his eccentricities, or his subtle way of being very accepting of gender and sexuality. Knowing him, probably both. It was certainly serving her righteously now.
Initially, Dave had two left feet, but after a few moments something seemed to click in his mind, and he picked up the hang of it. And he was perfectly comfortable with continuing to let her lead once they sorted out a simple foxtrot. By then the dance floor was completely empty, and they glided around together completely uninhibited. It was quite enjoyable. Dave was a little bit taller than she was, so his breath ruffled her bangs every so often, and it tickled. She couldn't remember ever being as attracted to anyone as she was to Dave right now.
Jade actually felt a little silly for thinking he wouldn't be interested in knowing about how she grew up, which he obviously was, despite what he had said. To her, it was very mundane, especially compared to his hectic life with a very close in age sibling. But he was legitimately curious about her life. Sweet, cute, and funny. Not to mention the fact that he had her blushing like crazy when he brought up anthropomorphic animals and didn't seem phased by any weirdness typically associated with that sort of thing. She smiled happily and leaned on him a little more.
“And just what are you grinning about, darlin'?” he inquired.
The Texan drawl was purposefully layered on extra thick, especially for someone from a city that was primarily devoid of an accent.
“Oh, nothing,” she blustered, “just...”
And then she got a sly thought and really did grin. “How would you feel about me dipping you?”
Dave shrugged, giving her his usual small, lenient smile. “I already know you're strong enough to support my weight, so go for it.”
Jade laughed. “Alright, here goes!”
And she proceeded to dip Dave practically to the floor in the most melodramatic fashion she was capable of.
“Goddamn,” he said, hanging trustingly in her arms. “I'm fucking swooning right now. You've got me hook, line, and sinker. I feel like a real lady being romanced right here. I've finally found The One who treats me right.”
Laughing happily, she pulled him back up.
“And now,” she declared. “I think you should walk me home.”
The little nose scrunch of confusion appeared again.
“But I thought you said you lived thirty minutes away, by cab?” he asked.
Jade grinned, winking at him. “Yes, but you live only a five minute walk from here. I didn't say you had to walk me to my home.”
Realization slowly dawned on Dave, and she continued to giggle.
“I will absolutely walk you home,” he said earnestly, and Jade smiled and took his arm.