Chapter Text
When Daniel noticed he should have chosen the top bunk when he was allowed to choose his bed first, it was already too late for that. Everyone was already comfortable in their own space, and it was already time to sleep, and if he asked Seongwoo to change beds with him he’d surely have to explain why he wanted that, and that would defeat the whole purpose of the request.
During Produce, Daniel was sure his secret would quickly be found out and then broadcasted for the whole world to see. It was one of his biggest fears during the program, and something that had kept him back for a while. But it hadn’t happened. It was probably due to the fact that they were always exhausted when they came back to their rooms, and didn’t really know each other too much, considering that the rooming was always changing.
The fact is that for the whole duration of the program, Daniel’s secret remained a secret. And that made him relax, and that was the whole problem. Because when he was told to choose a bed, he completely forgot that by choosing the only separate bed, he’d be in everyone’s view at all times. But now there was nothing he could do about that.
Daniel sighed. He was trying to sleep, but the fear of being found out was weighting on him. This was something he’d always been embarrassed about. He got teased a lot during school whenever he went to sleepovers and his ‘friends’ found out that he still sucked on his thumb. He was only eleven when he started refusing going to sleepovers, but even that wasn’t enough to stop the teasing, because when he was invited and refused, the others brought up the fact that it was because he still sucked on his thumb.
He’d tried to stop, honestly. Besides his friends’ teasing, his parents weren’t that supportive. Instead of helping him overcome it or comforting him when others were cruel to him, they pretended they didn’t know about his thumb sucking. Daniel knew it was because they were embarrassed about it, and that hurt. But he wanted to make them happy, proud, so he tried to stop. He tried bitter polish, pepper, every tactic used to get kids to stop their thumb sucking, but nothing worked. Nothing worked.
Daniel often went home with red-rimmed eyes from crying. He never cried in front of his classmates, knowing they would tease him even more if they saw him crying from their comments, but it wasn’t uncommon for him to lock himself away in the bathroom and cry. He asked his parents many times to change schools, but they always told him it made no difference, because he would continue that ridiculous habit of his anywhere he went, so why would they go through all the trouble for nothing?
The singer sighed and turned on his bed. He didn’t like thinking about that part of his past. On the worse days he could hear his classmates’ laughter still ringing in his ears, and see his parents embarrassed looks when Daniel’s habit was brought up. He didn’t want it to get to this point this night, not on his first night in the dorm. He didn’t want to explain to everyone why his eyes were puffy and red when he woke up.
He closed his eyes, willing all those memories away. He needed to sleep. His alarm was set for the same time as everyone else’s. All he had to do was not laze around once he woke up. He took a deep breath, doing some of the exercises he’d taught himself to calm down, and soon the exhaustion caught up to him and his eyes closed.
It took a while, but after two weeks of waking up along with the others and no one finding out, Daniel started to think that maybe he could get through this without having his secret exposed. They filmed the episodes for Wanna One Go, which was an inconvenience, considering there were cameras on their rooms, but Daniel found a way around that. It probably wasn’t healthy to sleep so little, but he would rather barely sleep for three days then to wake up to a video of him sucking on his thumb that everyone could see.
Once that was done and out of the way, he restarted his routine, and things really weren’t that hard. He started feeling more relaxed around the dorm and talking more to his group mates, joking more, and actually getting to know them. It was good. Daniel was happy.
He should have known better than to get too comfortable, though. He’d already made that mistake once, with choosing the bed, why couldn’t he just freaking learn? But no, of course not. The universe would never allow him to have more than a week of peace. Which is why when half of the group decided to have a movie night, Daniel decided to accept the invitation, despite being so exhausted he barely could keep his eyes open.
He made himself comfortable on the couch and watched the others. Jaehwan and Minhyun, for all that they bickered, were quick to settle next to each other on the sofa, by Daniel. Daehwi found his spot on the floor, leaning against Daniel’s legs and Jihoon and Woojin made a nest of blankets on one of the big chairs and buried themselves in it. The room felt cozy. Daniel smiled.
He saw about fifteen minutes of the movie before his eyes closed and he fell asleep. There wasn’t even time for him to think ‘shit, maybe I should go to bed before I fall asleep here’. He woke up to the sound of giggling.
“Guys, c’mon, he’ll be embarrassed.”
That was Minhyun’s voice. What was he talking about?
“Ah, hyung, c’mon. You find it funny too, admit it.”
That was Woojin. Minhyun sighed.
“Ok, whatever, but how would you feel about having a secret like that being found out? Would you like your friends to make fun of you?”
Daniel frowned. What was going on?
“But I don’t suck on my thumb, hyung.”
At Woojin’s sentence, giggles went around the room and Daniel finally put things together. He immediately opened his eyes, taking his thumb from his mouth and sitting up straight. There were a few yelps, and when Daniel’s eyes focused, he noticed Woojin, Daehwi, Jihoon, Minhyun and Jaehwan staring at him, seeming surprised.
There was silence for a second, then Daniel’s eyes fell on the phone on Woojin’s hands. Then they moved up to the younger’s eyes, and Daniel’s cheeks started burning. Woojin smirked.
“Hey there, hyung. Had a nice nap?”
Daehwi and Jihoon laughed, and even Jaehwan seemed to be fighting a smile. Only Minhyun didn’t show a reaction. Daniel hid his face in his hands, too overwhelmed by the situation to run away, like he wanted to do.
“Shut up.”
His voice sounded weak and he hated it. Woojin cooed, but Jihoon was the one who spoke next.
“Awn, hyung, it’s ok. You looked cute sucking on your thumb.”
Daniel pressed his hands harder against his eyes, telling himself not to cry. His mind was running a million miles an hour, thoughts of ‘how could this happen’ and ‘what will happen now’ mixing with memories from his school days. It was horrible. Woojin spoke again.
“Look, hyung, there’s a picture!”
And then he grabbed Daniel’s hand and pried it from his face, shoving the phone on the older’s face. Daniel quickly closed his eyes, but not before catching a glimpse of the photo. He cringed, seeing himself so relaxed with his thumb in his mouth.
“S-stop…”
He pleaded, past the way of caring about how he sounded or looked. Woojin didn’t seem to notice the older’s state, nor did Jihoon. They continued to comment on the photo, until there was a sigh and two yelps.
“I told you guys to not do this.” Daniel looked through his fingers to see Woojin and Jihoon pouting. Minhyun turned to Jaehwan. “I’m disappointed in you, too, Jaehwan. I’m disappointed in all of you, but you’re older, Jaehwan. You should know better. C’mon, Niel.”
Daniel let himself be pulled up by the older, face turned to the floor as he was led out of the living room, into the kitchen.
Once they arrived at the kitchen, Minhyun pulled a chair and gently nudged Daniel to sit. The boy did so, still not looking up. He said nothing. He didn’t have anything to say, and he knew that if he talked he would end up crying.
“Hey. It’s ok, Niel. They were just being stupid.” Daniel shook his head. “They’ll forget about it soon, trust me. Can I do anything for you?”
Daniel, shook his head. The tears were already welling up in his eyes. He just wanted privacy to cry.
“I want to go to bed.”
He managed to say, without letting the tears spill. Minhyun sighed. Then he gently took Daniel’s hand and pulled him up.
They stopped by the door of Daniel’s room.
“Niel, please ignore them, ok? There’s nothing wrong with doing what you do. It’s just your way to cope. Please don’t let them get you down. They’re kids, they don’t know how much power their words have. And Jaehwan is just stupid.”
Daniel nodded, more to get Minhyun to go away than because he agreed. The older hugged him, then pressed a kiss to his hair and bid him goodnight, leaving to his own room. Daniel entered his room, silent to avoid waking the others up, and lay down. That night, he cried himself to sleep.
Daniel woke up to his alarm, as usual. He quickly took his thumb from his mouth, wiping it on his pants, then turned off his alarm and sat up. He frowned, wondering why his eyes were stinging and felt so puffy, before the events of the previous night came back to his mind. He quickly closed his eyes, trying to avoid a new round of tears.
He sighed, hearing Jisung and Seongwoo starting to move around. He needed to get to the bathroom before they saw his face. At least he could do damage control. Getting up, he headed to the bathroom without tearing his gaze from the floor. Thankfully, he was the first one up.
He entered the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror before cringing. His eyes were swollen, making them seem much smaller than they were, and there were bags under them. His cheeks were still a bit too red, and his nose looked a bit like Rudolph’s. He sighed, turning on the water.
After a while, he managed to make himself look more presentable. He still looked a bit like he’d been crying, but if he avoided looking at people and put on his mask, no one would notice. He left the bathroom and headed back to his room, then, after getting dressed, to the kitchen.
The first sign that something was wrong, was the fact that Guanlin and Jinyoung were behind Woojin, looking at his phone and laughing. That in itself wasn’t too weird. What really showed that something was wrong was the fact that as soon as Daniel entered the room, the three boys looked up and laughed.
Daniel stopped on his tracks. His eyes ran around the room and he noticed everyone was looking at him. Jihoon, Woojin, Jinyoung, Sungwoon and Guanlin were snickering and Jaehwan was clearly trying not to join. Daehwi was biting on his lip, seeming worried, and Jisung was looking at him with something similar to pity. Minhyun and Seongwoo weren’t there.
“Niel hyung.” Daniel turned to Jinyoung’s voice. “Do you always suck on your thumb to sleep?”
The ones who had been silently laughing, chuckled at that. Jisung glared.
“Yah, Bae Jinyoung!”
He hit the younger, who seemed to think his joke was worth getting punched. Daniel only stared for a second, before turning around and heading out of the room. He crossed the living room, passing by Minhyun and ignoring the way Seongwoo asked him if he was ok.
Once in his room, he slammed the door, before lying on his bed, face buried in his pillow.
“What the fuck did you guys do?”
The kitchen was silent. They’d all gotten startled at the loud noise from Daniel slamming the door, right before Minhyun entered the kitchen, fuming, a confused Seongwoo following him.
“W-we didn’t do anything…”
Claimed Jihoon. Minhyun glared.
“Sure, Jihoon, Niel does usually go around slamming doors around the dorm. Either you tell me what you did, or you’ll regret ever stepping a foot in here.”
Jihoon gulped and looked down. No one said anything, but before Minhyun could continue, Seongwoo interrupted.
“Sorry, but… what the hell is going on?”
Minhyun sighed.
“You should ask Niel, if you want to know.”
Seongwoo’s frown deepened.
“Daniel hyung sucks on his thumb and now he’s throwing a hissy fit because we teased him a bit.”
Minhyun’s glare was so intense, it was a surprise Woojin didn’t just die right there.
“Are you even hearing yourself, Woojin?”
That was Jisung. Woojin shrugged.
“Wait. This is about Niel’s thumb sucking?”
Everyone looked at Seongwoo.
“What? You knew?”
Asked Jinyoung. Seongwoo raised an eyebrow.
“We share a room. How in hell would I not know?”
Everyone turned to Jisung. He just shrugged.
“It’s obvious this is a delicate topic to Niel. He clearly didn’t want us to know, so we just never brought it up. Only an arsehole would make fun of him and then go around telling everyone about it.”
Woojin sighed.
“C’mon, it’s not that big a deal, hyung. It’s just a bit of teasing.”
Minhyun shook his head.
“That’s not what it’s like to him, Woojin. Didn’t you see his face yesterday? It’s clearly something that bothers him a lot.”
But before Woojin or anyone else could answer, their manager entered the room, Daniel following him, face turned to the floor.
“Look, I don’t know what happened, and I honestly don’t care. You have practice now. Go, then later you can solve whatever mess you created.”
And saying that the man left, leaving the eleven boys alone. All eyes were focused on Daniel. The boy’s shoulders were hunched, and even though his face was half hidden it was very clear that he’d been crying. Woojin bit his lip and looked at Minhyun. The boy answered with a gesture that said ‘I told you so’.
After a second of silence, Seongwoo moved forward and took Daniel’s hand.
“C’mon, Niel. Let’s go.”
The last person Daniel wanted to find out about this was Seongwoo. Everyone always joked about them being a couple and all that, but Daniel wondered who really noticed that he actually did have a crush on Seongwoo. Probably Minhyun. Minhyun knew everything.
He let himself be dragged away by the older, knowing perfectly well that Seongwoo knew about his secret too. He knew Woojin wouldn’t let the chance of telling the older pass. He wanted to go back to his room and hide. Hide his tears, hide how hurt he was. Hide from the teasing comments from the others. But he couldn’t, so he let Seongwoo drag him away, and took comfort from how warm the older’s hand was on his.
They arrived at the van and Seongwoo helped Daniel climb in, although they both knew the younger didn’t need the help. Once they were both inside and settled, Seongwoo put a hand on Daniel’s thigh.
“Hey. I know you’re really upset about this, so don’t even try to hide.” Daniel bit his lip. He didn’t want to seem weak in front of Seongwoo. “It’s ok to be upset. They are the ones in the wrong here. First of all it was you secret, and Woojin had no right to tell anyone. Second, they were arseholes for teasing you about something that clearly bothered you. So don’t go thinking you’re weak or some bullshit like that for feeling hurt.”
Daniel felt the tears start falling for the third time in less than twenty-four hours, but this time instead of hugging his pillow and crying to himself, he buried his face on Seongwoo’s chest and let the tears flow. He knew he was wetting the boy’s shirt, and that he probably looked really ugly at the moment, sobbing and almost chocking, but he didn’t care. Seongwoo was holding him and caressing his hair, and it felt so safe. Daniel didn’t want to ever leave.
After a while, he finally managed to stop crying. He knew the others would join them soon, and he didn’t want to cry in front of them.
“Are you feeling better?”
Daniel shrugged his shoulders. They were silent for a while. Then Daniel spoke up, voice hoarse.
“Why am I like this, hyung?”
Seongwoo tilted his head.
“Like what?”
Daniel sighed.
“I’m… I’m twenty-two, why do I still do that when I sleep?”
Seongwoo sighed. His hold around Daniel tightened.
“I don’t know, Niel, but it really isn’t that big of a deal. I know you think it’s embarrassing, but honestly it isn’t that bad. You don’t need to be embarrassed about it, it doesn’t change how we think of you. Plus… you look cute when you do it.”
At that, Daniel blushed. He focused on the other part, instead of on the fact that Seongwoo had called him cute.
“I’m too old for that, though.”
Seongwoo squeezed his waist.
“Says who?”
Daniel raised an eyebrow.
“Uhn, everyone?”
Seongwoo huffed.
“People have too many opinions about stuff that has nothing to do with them. If it helps you, Niel, then ignore everyone and just do it. It’s cliché to say this, but the ones that matter don’t care and the ones that care don’t matter.”
Daniel bit his lip. Seongwoo’s words made him feel better, at least a bit, but he wasn’t too sure if he believed it.
“Are you saying Woojinnie, Jihoon, Jaehwan hyung, Jinyoung, Sungwoo hyung and Guanlinnie don’t matter?”
At that, Seongwoo laughed.
“No, because they don’t really care. They were teasing you because they are stupid and emotionally challenged, and incapable of noticing when their jokes are going too far.”
Daniel pouted. He was still hurt and he was still embarrassed about his secret being found out. But somehow Seongwoo had made him feel better.
“What if they tease me again?”
He knew he sounded childish, but really, it wasn’t like he had an image to protect at the moment. Seongwoo ruffled his hair.
“I’ll bite them.” This made Daniel giggle and Seongwoo smiled. “But seriously, Niel, don’t stress over this. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and if someone makes you feel bad, remember that you’ll always have me, no matter what. Ok?”
Daniel managed a smile. His eyes were puffy and stinging and his head hurt from all the crying he’d been doing. He was still a bit embarrassed and he wasn’t too sure if he could face the others without blushing and wanting to hide. But he had Seongwoo. Seongwoo was by his side, and he was holding Daniel’s hand, and it didn’t seem like he’d let go anytime soon.
“Niel hyung?”
Daniel looked up from his phone and his cheeks reddened when he saw Woojin sitting on the floor in front of his bed.
“Hey…”
Woojin bit his lip.
“Hey.”
They stared at each other for a while.
“Did… you want something?”
Daniel asked, when things started to feel too awkward.
“I… wanted to say sorry. I knew it was mean to tease you and that I was hurting you, Minhyun hyung told me to stop, and still, I told everyone something that wasn’t even my secret and made you feel bad. I’m really sorry about all that. I should have known better. I’m sorry, hyung. I really am. I love you a lot, and I want you to know that it really makes no difference to me if you suck on your thumb or anything like that. You’re still you. Daniel hyung, who laughs a lot and cares about everyone and always tries to make everyone happy, and I love you. All of you. Can you forgive me?”
Daniel smiled. He could see Woojin was truly sorry, and really, how could he deny an apology like that?
“I forgive you. Just… try not to do something like that again. Ok?”
Woojin quickly nodded, then smiled and stood up, jumping on Daniel to hug him.
“Thank you, hyung.” Daniel hugged him back. “And… just so you know, you look kinda cute when you suck on your thumb.”
Daniel pulled back and glared, cheeks red.
“Woojin-ah!”
Woojin laughed.
“I mean it, hyung. It’s cute.”
Daniel rolled his eyes, but there was a little smile on his face. Maybe Seongwoo was right, after all.
Slowly, the others went to apologize to Daniel, one by one. It was a bit embarrassing, hearing them tell him that ‘it’s ok, we don’t mind if you suck on your thumb to sleep’, but he was glad he’d finally found people that wouldn’t tease him every time he fell asleep around them.
He proved that right a while after the incident, when they had a late night schedule and he fell asleep in the van. He woke up when they arrived and everyone started getting out of the car, and embarrassedly took his thumb from his mouth. Seongwoo noticed and smiled.
“Niel, I told you that no one cares. The only thing they did was comment that you looked cute. Really, you don’t need to be embarrassed, ok?”
Daniel bit his lip but nodded. Seongwoo smiled and took his hand, helping him down from the van. He didn’t let go of Daniel’s hand until they were at the dorm. Daniel was beginning to think that maybe he’d found his place.