Chapter Text
The memories started trickling back to him slowly at first; a small leak in a big dam. He could have been writing a paper or taking a jog, eating breakfast or doing laundry, when suddenly the present world would fade away and snippets of another life would appear.
It was all really foreign and borderline terrifying for him to begin with (though to be fair, he never really got over the whole foreign ‘this should not be happening and should not be an actual, possible thing’ part). Nightmares of man-eating humanoid beasts, cruelly and heartlessly ripping apart people right in front of his eyes; the only difference being that this all took place in the waking world, rather than the unconscious. Even though he didn’t recognize them, there was always a twinge inside his chest. A small and painful pull, twist, tug every time he witnessed someone die.
At first he figured that the feelings that accompanied these flashes were normal. These were ghastly, lurid hallucinations he was having, and it’d be rather abnormal to not feel anything. Yet at the same time, there seemed to be something a bit more to those strange feelings. Every time the blood poured out from another victim, every time someone else was crushed underfoot - he felt as if he were crying out their names internally. Trying and failing to reach out to them, because he didn’t know how to.
It was as if they were a part of him; as if he knew those people. But that couldn’t possibly be. It wouldn’t make sense - when would he have met them? He knew of none of them living in this life with him; and if they had simply been some passersby he had glimpsed on the streets, how would he explain the feelings he felt every time they appeared in these not-quite dreams? That wasn’t even beginning to mention those giant monsters - they couldn’t possibly exist.
He tried to shake off the strange feelings. These were dreams, visions, figments of his imagination. Nothing more, nothing less. He actually did a pretty good job convincing himself of that.
It was only later that he realized - and finally admitted - to himself that these were memories. The phantasms that had started off with little things - setting a bird free from what he recalled to be the Underground, eating together with people he couldn’t name at first in a big dining hall (the names later coming back to him) - and had quickly escalated into dreadful horrors; those were all memories. All very real and extremely palpable. He had seen too much, felt too much from the visions to deny them any more. He carried phantoms of the memories with him everywhere he went, unable to escape, unwilling to forget.
But then the dam broke. What used to be snippets and fragments of memories finally came flooding in, as one big lifetime, everything hitting him at once. He couldn't remember much from before being picked up by Kenny, but everything after that was clear as day.
He remembered everything. His life spent in the Underground, growing cold, detached, distant to everything because that was the only way to survive down there. Meeting Farlan, and in turn, Isabel - the two helping him regain some semblance of emotion. Escaping from the Military Police time and time again, making fun of them, only to end up being caught by Erwin Eyebrows Smith from the Survey Corps - the very person he had been hired to kill.
And then, somehow, in an inexplicable turn of events, the three of them had joined the Survey Corps. (In retrospect though, he suspected that the conniving Erwin had planned their joining the Corps for far longer than anyone realized. Not that he was complaining - it did him good in the long run. Isabel and Farlan though - not so much.)
He remembered the very first mission they went on together, and the very last. The days after that, filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness - all of it building up within him. The very reasons he worked so hard and became Humanity's Strongest. The very reasons he hardened himself, forbade himself from opening up and revealing what he had worked hard at to bury - and keep buried - deep, deep underneath.
And then of course he remembered the day the 104th training squad's newly-graduated trainees joined the Survey Corps. Amongst the groups of toughened teens strong-willed enough to join the Survey Corps, one stood out to Levi.
It was a young soldier, with the most indescribably bright, colourful eyes ever - eyes that told Levi he had seen things, seen many things - and messy, chocolate brown hair. He stood in the salute, proud and resolved, anger mixed with only the tiniest traces of fear. His face shining with hope and determination that Levi soon learned would continue on, even in the most dire of moments.
The teen's first in-the-flesh meeting with the corporal (and soon to be supervisor) was the beating at the courthouse. That was probably, by far, the worst - or best, who knows - first impression Levi could think of giving someone. Of course, Levi would never have thought for the life of him that the new recruit he had at his mercy in the courthouse would be the very one he would eventually allow to take over his life.
After the courthouse, he had been assigned the role of Eren's constant supervisor; while it wasn’t the best way he could think of to spend his days in the military, it wasn’t an idea he was particularly against. Though at first Levi had thought himself inadequate for something like this - and a bit unwilling. He didn’t need something so bothersome in his life again. Eren gave off the same feeling Isabel had, and if those two were anything alike, he was only setting himself up for the pain that came hand-in-hand with attachment.
Levi had learned the hard way that if you got close to someone, it only made partings so much more tough. He never voiced that out loud; that was a weakness, and as Humanity’s Strongest, he couldn’t afford to show weakness.
Maybe Eren realized how Levi had tried to protect himself. Maybe he knew that Levi didn’t want to hurt or get hurt any more than necessary. If Eren had known any of that, he didn’t show it. Nothing had stopped him from wiggling his way deeper into Levi's life.
From there on out, most of his memories seemed to revolve around that boy, Eren Jaeger. He remembered so many small details, even in his new life - things that he would usually stop himself from noticing, but he had noticed, and he remembered.
The way his face would light up every time Levi gave him the tiniest, gruffest of compliments. The way he would pout when Levi called him a brat, and talk back in a put-off tone that he “was not a brat, how many times do I have to say that.” The way he would smile shyly back at Levi after he was thanked for completing a task nicely. The way he actually listened to what Levi said.
Everything centred around the boy, and he seemed to make up Levi's world. There was no doubt that the him from the previous life held feelings for the younger boy - whether it be romantic or platonic, it didn't really matter. What mattered was that someone had even held that much importance in Levi's life, and that in and of itself was extremely unusual. Especially for his past self.
After re-experiencing his previous life in the form of memories, Levi had made it a general rule to not care too much for other people. He would be hurt more easily if he cared for and - dare he say it - loved others; this was a hard lesson learned after going through the deaths of Isabel and Farlan, and a mindset that he carried into the second life he was given. After the two of them had died, Levi couldn't remember caring for anyone else as much as he did for those two.
Besides Eren, that is.
Sure, he recalled being slightly fond of the ever-eccentric Hanji - though he would never have admitted that to anyone - and it went without saying that he respected Erwin in no uncertain terms, going so far as to allowing himself to place in Erwin a good amount of his trust.
But Levi wouldn’t go as far as to say that he cared for them anything beyond the slight fondness, respect and trust. Levi hadn't allowed those two to worm their way into his life too far, and they understood his reluctance to let them fully into his heart. They had knocked respectfully - or not, in Hanji's case - to the door of Levi's heart, and respected his decision to keep them outside on the most part.
But Eren... He probably didn't understand what the words privacy, personal space, or alone time even meant to a person . He burst in on everything, uncaring as to whether the inhabitant behind the door wanted the company or not. No matter how many times Levi tried to barricade and lock the door, Eren would always find a way to break it down with that huge, blinding smile of his. He didn't merely wriggle his way into Levi's life - Eren broke into his life like a storm.
Levi both hated and loved Eren for that.
Levi hated Eren for ignoring his rules and doing whatever he wanted. Levi hated Eren for being so persistent, never really leaving him alone. Levi hated Eren for how bright, determined, and shining he could always be. Levi hated Eren for always being able to find his unguarded sides, making him feel - for once - self-conscious and uncertain. Levi hated Eren for being able to break into his heart.
And that was also why he loved the dear pest. Levi loved Eren for always sticking around. Levi loved Eren for everything he had done for his captain. Levi loved Eren for working so hard to find the little gaps and holes in his rock-hard demeanor. Levi loved Eren for always being that one part of his day he could always look forward to. Levi loved Eren for not giving up and continuously breaking into his life because he actually cared. Levi loved Eren because Eren had loved him.
Levi also remembered telling himself over and over again that this love would be impossible. After all, they were in the middle of a war with titans, for goodness' sake. They could all be eaten by a titan at any moment; even Humanity's Strongest and Humanity's Hope would have to fall down one day. If either of them died, the other would be left with nothing. If a relationship of any kind happened to sprout, the only result that could come from this would be pain. Pain, disappointment, fear and grief - Levi should know that, more than anyone.
Pain, whenever the other party got hurt. Disappointment, when Eren realized that Levi wasn’t everything he made him out to be; when Levi couldn’t live up to his expectations. Constant fear of losing the other. Shattering grief when they did lose the other.
It wasn’t so much that he was scared of feeling all those emotions again (he had made himself numb to it all, he was used to not feeling anything now) so much so that he was scared of what he might inflict upon Eren. Levi himself had learned to shield himself, to hide and burrow deep within his own toughened outer shell. Eren, on the other hand, was everything but shielded. He was open, vulnerable, expressive - everything Levi was not. Yet another reason to keep him far out of reach.
Levi remembered trying his hardest to keep the boy at bay, to ignore this not-yet love that he seemed to be developing for the teen. There was just so much that was wrong with this feeling for this particular soldier that Levi wished with all his heart that nothing would come out of his feelings. Levi wanted to distance himself emotionally as far as possible from Eren. In return, he hurt Eren as much as possible.
Biting, derogatory remarks. Upping Eren’s workload. Giving him more punishment than necessary - even to the point of ridiculing his skills and trying to degrade him.
Those weren’t Levi’s best moments.
“You insolent child, how many times do I have to tell you that you wipe the tops and sides of the cabinets as well, and not just the shelves? And what is this floor? Can you even call this clean? Are you simply incapable of understanding basic human speech and instruction?” Levi had spat out harshly at the sweaty teenager in front of him.
He reprimanded himself at the thoughts that had begun to worm into his mind. No, Levi, don’t stare at the way the white shirt stuck to Eren’s sweaty arms and shoulders. Don’t even begin to think about how the shirt was almost translucent due to the rigorous work he had been doing. Don’t look up into the deep, deep pools of Eren’s eyes. Just don’t look at him. Don’t look at the disappointment, the frustration, the hurt on his face. Turn him away. Shut him out.
After a slight period of silence, Eren straightened himself and crisply saluted - well, as crisply as he could in that tired form. ”Yes, sir! I’ll do it again. Would you like me to make some tea for you afterwards?”
Tch. No. He wanted as little contact with the new recruit as possible. How could he still remain so bright, so positive even after everything Levi had put him through? Levi himself knew that he was being difficult. Callous, ill-tempered (when was he not?) and malign. But he didn’t know how to stop. He couldn’t stop, wouldn’t allow himself to stop - because if he stopped the only choice he would be faced with would be to love. And that was most definitely not an option right now.
“...Whatever. You can bring it to my office later on, if you’re up to it. Just make sure it’s at least half decent this time.” No, no, no; Levi, what are you doing. Stop encouraging him, just let him leave you alone…
Levi saw Eren nod out of the corner of his eye before he turned sharply on the heel of his boots and left the room.
Levi had tried everything he could, but this just seemed to spur Eren on even more. The brat really was too darn persistent and determined for his own good.
Of course, this behaviour didn’t go unnoticed by both Erwin and Hanji - more than once, the two of them had tried to talk to him about it.
Please, give Eren a break. What did he do to deserve this? Erwin would ask - not plead, Erwin never pleaded - and Levi would scoff.
Awwww, c’mon Levi. You know it’s not good to suppress feelings. It’s pretty obvious that Eren likes you. A lot. I mean, he’s still sticking with you despite everything you’re putting him through. And you’ll only go on hurting both yourself and the poor boy if you allow this to continue, Hanji had told him with a knowing look. Levi had thought that it would only hurt more if he admitted to anything, but he didn’t tell her as much.
At any rate, he was Eren’s superior; Eren, his subordinate. He was older than Eren by a good amount of years, and Eren deserved better than whatever Levi could possibly give him. There had to be someone younger, better, brighter, more suitable for Eren.
It was only hero-worship; surely there wasn’t anything more than that to the looks Eren gave him, or to the way Eren would never leave him alone, or to the little things Eren would do for him. Things like taking extra care when making his tea so that there was just the right amount of sugar, or closing the curtains in Levi’s office whenever he noticed that the sunlight was right in Levi’s face as the captain did paperwork. Little things as such, that Levi refused to acknowledge. He refused to hope.
It was just a small crush - something that would eventually go away.
It was just his own imagination - surely Eren was aiming his looks at someone else.
It was just Eren’s duty - there couldn’t be any other explanation for why Eren would do so much for the Captain.
It was just his job - that was the only reason he was constantly watching Eren out of the corner of his eye; he had taken upon himself the responsibility of constant supervision over Eren, after all.
It was just a sense of responsibility - nothing more than that to his constant worrying over Eren getting hurt.
Levi continued making excuses for as long as he could. But he knew it would prove to be futile effort.
In the end, it was Levi who ended up breaking first. He bent to Eren's will, accepted his love. Those were the happiest days of his life; spending his time with the one he knew he loved.
“Levi, what took you so long?” Bright, shining, curious eyes looked down to meet harsh, sharp, guarded eyes.
“That’s still Captain Levi to you, soldier,” was the curt response. Eren had laughed outright at that.
“Fine, you stingy old man.” Eren moved out of the way to avoid the flick coming towards his forehead. “But answer the question! Why did you take so long to finally listen to me?”
Levi had hoped to escape the question. Who knew why he took so long? Not Levi.
He sighed. He decided to be honest - both with himself and with Eren. (Finally, after goodness knows how long.)
“I don’t know, Eren. I don’t know.” Levi brought a hand up to the back of his neck. “Maybe I was scared. Maybe I didn’t know how to listen. Maybe I thought I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I thought it was impossible. Who knows the real reason? Humans are complicated. I don’t understand any part of you. How can I, when I don’t even understand myself?”
Eren had seemed somewhat satisfied with that answer for the time being, bringing Levi into a hug and burying his face onto Levi’s shoulder. Levi had stiffened up, not used to this sort of display of affection.
“‘M glad you finally accepted me, though.” Even though Eren’s voice was muffled by his shoulder, Levi could still make out the words.
Levi allowed his arms to wrap around Eren’s torso in his first attempt at a hug.
Eren was the first one Levi had given a hug to. It was - by far - the most intimate thing Levi had done up until then, and a completely new experience.
There was no name or position in their relationship - they never specified whether they were friends, lovers, or more; and they didn't need to. There was no senior or junior, no captain or subordinate. They just were. They loved each other fiercely with everything they had left of their hard, battle-toughened hearts. It was fierce and burning, slow and gentle. They fought all their battles with and for each other, showing their love for each other in the only ways they, as soldiers, knew how to. Just hoping that they would live to see another sunset and sunrise, spend another day together.
And then everything was torn from them. At least they died together. Thank the heavens for having some mercy on the two of them - Levi wasn't sure how the other would have coped if one of them had died, leaving the other behind. They were as part of each as their own hearts were - and just as important and vital to each other as the heart was to the body. They died together on the battlefield, bleeding, in pain - and in love.
Here he was now, in this new life - a second chance given to Levi - and he didn't think he would be able to find this - his - brat. After all, he hadn't met anyone else who had reincarnated from their time, and the world was so big that even if Eren was alive right now, he could be anywhere. That was even assuming that he had been reincarnated to begin with. Levi wasn't sure if he was the only one, or if everyone else had just been put back in different places or even different times altogether.
So in the second chance he was given, Levi lived a peaceful, normal life - as peaceful and normal as you can get with those memories, anyway - in a cozy little town, studying hard and doing all the normal things humans did in this timeline. There was a significantly less amount of blood and death, and a lot more stupidity. But he found himself enjoying it, nonetheless. It was a nice break.
Before the memories started coming (which was in his teenage years, when he was around thirteen) he had fun, fooling around with the boys in the neighbourhood and his friends. Even as a child living a normal life up to then, he had been slightly more distanced and reserved than the others.
He knew that many of his neighbours thought him to be slightly strange; born in the wrong time and era. “That Levi kid next door… don’t you think he’s kind of strange? Always so stiff and polite, there’s no way a kid is naturally like that.” “There’s something weird about him, something off.” “He has such a tough shell, like a soldier - it’s unnatural for a kid that young.”
And this was all before his old life had roughly slapped him across the face, leaving him branded with a mark that was irremovable, and yet still only visible to himself.
Of course, when his past life experiences came rushing in, this problem only became more evident, and he withdrew even more from relationships. At first, Levi thought himself to be crazy. No one he knew of remembered another life besides the ones they were living right then. No one else carried two lives - twice the pain - within themselves. The first life reminded him that the world was a cruel, cruel place, and Levi grew more and more to be like his past self without realizing it.
At the age of seventeen, Levi was almost as cynical and harsh as he had been in the world of titans. Almost as hard and apathetic as he had been before meeting Isabel and Farlan. The only difference was that this world had treated him better when he was growing up. Levi was born to a family of nice parents, who wished for his well-being more than anything. “Levi dear, maybe you can try to let loose a bit more - it’ll be good for you.” “Don’t take everything so seriously, you’ll only get hurt that way.”
As to be expected, though, his parents were convinced that his so-called ‘memories’ were merely dreams or nightmares; he didn’t tell them about these memories after the first couple of times they tried to persuade him that they were nothing. Just a phase, he’ll grow out of it; that can’t be real, Levi sweet, there’s no way those can be memories ; don’t you think you should be studying instead of daydreaming, son?
There was no point telling anyone, anyway - it wasn’t like they had lived with him in those terrifyingly real memories. It wasn’t like they had experienced the chest-crushing pain of losing the ones they loved more than anything to human-eating giants. Levi didn’t blame them for not believing. If he hadn’t been the one living through it all, he himself would not have believed any of it. It was all too far-fetched, too surreal. But it was real. It was most definitely real.
Most of all, what was scariest was when the real, present world would give way to his past. His memories would surface from time to time after they had crashed onto him, and he would be caught in-between worlds. If he was working out at the gym, more likely than not he would get out of the memory only to find himself surrounded by people, chattering nervously and crouched around his unconscious form.
It was easier when he was at home - there, he could let the flashbacks take over without worrying about others seeing him, fussing over his ‘weak physical state.’ It was different if he voluntarily remembered something; he had control over those memories, and when they occurred. They were more or less normal memories, albeit from a longer time ago than normal humans remembered. How to explain it - it was like a trigger, per say. But sometimes without the whole triggering part.
But ever since he had regained most of his memories, they would hit him less and less - and it became more of a voluntary thing whenever he remembered past events. That wasn’t to say that these crashes never occurred anymore; they just happened fewer and farther apart.
Levi tried to continue leading a normal life, despite having everything thrown at him and pressing down on him; graduating high school and going to the closest university in the area, majoring in history. He didn’t aim for anything high and spotlight-seeking - there had been plenty of that, what with the whole ‘Humanity’s Strongest’ and all that. He was tired of all the attention. Levi just wanted to be normal , for once. He wanted to see what it would be like to work and live without the pressure of knowing that everyone was watching his every move, so to speak. Without the pressure of having to live up to some kind of expectation.
Maybe he would just become a history professor. His affiliation with reincarnation gave him a particular interest in the field of history - though it seemed that the era of titans had been so long ago that there was no recorded history of it. Or perhaps this was another world altogether that he had been placed into.
Looking back, Levi was glad that he had been given so much time to lead a more or less normal life before all the memories came crashing in. Though he slightly regretted it, too. That he didn’t take better advantage of that time. He had a chance to live normally, and he took it all for granted. The one time he could live without a broken spirit, and he had breezed through it all without giving it a second thought.
Though of course, he had hardened himself enough that it took almost the world to shatter his spirit. But Eren was his world, and in this second life he could remember Eren’s death clearly. So, so clearly.
The ravenette went on with a habitual university lifestyle, staying in his own little comfortable bubble. He did not bother searching for anyone, did not even allow himself to hope for someone else to have been reincarnated.
That is, until he saw Hanji again. It was all a coincidence, of course. In the life preceding his current one, Levi had learned three things to always avoid: messes, titans, and Hanji after drinking. In this present life, Levi had learned to never go looking for three things: messes, trouble, and headaches. So of course he wouldn’t go looking for Hanji, who was basically those three things incarnate.
But fate being the way it was, loving to play with him, made it so that he just so happened to run into her one afternoon.
Needless to say, that was definitely not the highlight of his day.