Chapter Text
Professor Severus Snape picked irritably at his food, glowering at the unfortunate few students who caught his eye. He moodily stabbed a carrot, wishing once again that the headmaster didn’t require professors to eat dinner in the Great Hall. He had protested against the policy multiple times since he’d been hired, but the older wizard always said something ridiculous along the lines of “needing to spend time bonding with your colleagues.” Severus snorted. Like that was going to happen.
Feeling the weight of a stare, he glanced up, meeting Albus Dumbledore’s concerned gaze. Severus barely withheld a wince as the older man looked pointedly down at his completely full plate. The potions master suspected it hadn’t gone unnoticed that he’d skipped breakfast and lunch. Despite the glamours covering his skeletal frame, the headmaster somehow seemed to know that something was off. Damn those omniscient, twinkling blue eyes. Severus sighed and speared another carrot, bringing it to his mouth and glaring at his employer. Albus nodded in approval but continued watching as the young man reluctantly chewed and swallowed.
Severus knew that he should eat more, but his appetite had vanished ever since his closest friend had died. Thankfully, he was quite adept at wandless vanishing charms. A few muttered words under his breath, and the food would disappear. Or at least it would once Albus stopped staring at him. Really, hadn’t anyone ever told the man that it was rude to stare?
Albus held back a chuckle when his youngest professor turned to glare at him. He knew that he was scrutinizing the boy, but he couldn’t help it. Something was clearly wrong with the young man, and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He could tell that Severus was wearing glamours, but there was something else as well… The headmaster frowned. He would have to visit his potions master’s quarters for a serious talk soon. Of course, he could always call Severus up to his office, but the young man would likely try to bolt as soon as he realized what they would be discussing. And if he warded his office and locked Severus in, he might as well say goodbye to his office and all of his trinkets. Not that he really cared, but some were quite rare, and he didn't want them all destroyed in one sitting, if he could help it.
Albus turned his attention back to his plate, frowning when he caught a flicker out of the corner of his eye. “Did you see that?” he muttered quietly to his colleague, nodding almost imperceptibly towards Severus.
Minerva inclined her head, her eyes worried. “You have to talk to him, Albus!” she whispered. “You’re the only one who can force him to get the help he needs.”
“I’ll speak with him tomorrow after classes,” Albus murmured. Turning his attention back to Severus, he raised an eyebrow at the now completely empty plate. The boy was clearly not thinking straight if he had vanished his food in such a conspicuous way. Severus was the ultimate Slytherin, and such an obvious maneuver was very unlike him.
“Hungry, Severus? You certainly ate fast. The food almost seemed to vanish off of your plate,” Albus commented evenly, not breaking eye contact with the young man.
Severus paled and swallowed nervously. “Yes, Headmaster. May I be excused, please? I have a lot of work to do.”
Albus frowned but inclined his head, conceding defeat for the moment, and the young man quickly strode for the door.
“Severus needs help, Albus,” Minerva said quietly, watching her young colleague as he disappeared through the door. Despite Severus’ adamant claims that he was “perfectly fine,” it was clear that the boy was still grieving for his best friend. Lily Potter’s death had been a devastating blow to all of the Hogwarts professors, but Severus had been especially affected, having known Lily since childhood.
“The boy cannot continue to neglect his health for much longer. He barely eats enough to feed a pixie!” Pomona exclaimed.
“And I’m sure you’ve all noticed the glamours. Severus is a powerful wizard for his age, but he is still only nineteen. His magic isn’t yet strong enough to fool any of the staff,” Filius commented sadly.
Minerva nodded worriedly. “We must watch him carefully to ensure that he doesn’t return to the self-destructive habits he had during his school years. If he already has..."
The professors fell silent. Severus had been their student only a few years ago, and they all clearly remembered what the young man had resorted to while struggling with depression.
“I will make sure that Severus gets the help he needs, although he’ll likely be very unhappy about it,” Albus sighed. “Once Poppy returns from her healer’s conference tomorrow morning, I’ll have Severus stop by so that she can run a diagnostic.”
“Albus, you know that the only way Severus will go to the hospital wing is if he’s dragged kicking and screaming,” Minerva said with a hint of exasperation. “Well, that or hit with a petrificus totalus and levitated to the infirmary,” she added wryly. “It certainly worked the last time he was ill, although Severus was so enraged that I was afraid he would hex me the second Poppy released him and gave him back his wand!”
“Ah, yes. I seem to remember Severus confronting you quite angrily about that in the staff room. Although if my memory serves me right, that particular disagreement ended with the young man in question being swatted quite firmly on his behind,” Albus said, his eyes twinkling.
Two pink spots appeared on Minerva’s cheeks. “Yes, well, I may have lost my patience with him after five minutes of being yelled and cursed at, so I administered discipline as is my duty for the professors under my authority,” the Deputy Headmistress defended. The staff all laughed in amusement.
“Severus certainly can be a handful at times,” Filius chuckled.
“Indeed he can,” Minerva said fondly. “I just can’t help but mother him when I see him neglecting his health. He is clearly struggling to take care of himself, at least in terms of his food consumption. And underneath those glamours, he might be struggling with more issues,” she finished somberly.
“I know, Minerva. I hope that Poppy will not find any other issues besides his weight, but regardless, perhaps it would be good for Severus to speak with his old mind healer,” Albus replied. “Do you all remember him?”
“It's rather impossible to forget who his healer was,” Minerva muttered.
Pomona chuckled. “Indeed. I think I almost had a heart attack when you told me exactly who was going to be coming back to the castle to work with Severus. I think we all thought you’d finally cracked, Albus.”
“My dear, I’m offended! What on earth would make you think I’d become senile?” Albus asked, his eyes twinkling. Filius and Pomona both snorted, and Minerva merely shook her head in exasperation. Albus smiled happily, reaching into a pocket of his hideously colored robes and pulling out a tin. “Lemon drop, anyone?”
Back in his personal quarters, the potions master was cursing himself for his mistake at dinner. He’d been in a hurry to return to the solitude of his dungeons and had stupidly vanished too much food at one time, instead of vanishing it bite by bite. Now all of his colleagues at least suspected what he’d been doing, and that meant the headmaster was bound to come interrogate him about his eating habits soon. Severus paced the room in agitation, his mind running furiously. How could I mess up so badly? If Albus finds out the truth about my eating, he’s going to tell Poppy, and then she and Minerva will mollycoddle me to death at every meal! Even worse, Poppy will run a diagnostic and confine me to the hospital wing once she realizes what I’ve been doing!
Severus cursed angrily and started waving his wand in a series of motions, warding his door and floo against his colleagues. The wards definitely wouldn’t hold up for very long against Albus, but if triggered, he would hopefully have just enough time to hide the evidence. Walking over to his desk, Severus opened the drawer, taking out what had come to be his most vital possession.
The young man stared bitterly at the gleaming knife held in his clenched hand. He had started cutting six months ago after he’d failed to save the life of his best friend and honorary sister, Lily Potter. She had contracted exitiale languorem, a fatal illness that the medical community had yet to find a cure for. Severus had brewed and experimented for months, but in the end, he had failed to create a potion to cure her. It was his fault that she had died. He was the youngest potions master in a century - he should have been good enough to create a cure! But instead he had failed, and as a result, Lily had died.
Severus jerkily unbuttoned his cuff and shoved his sleeve up, placing the knife on his forearm where new scabs and old scars littered the skin. He dragged the blade across his arm, wincing at the jolt of pain but sighing in relief, grateful for the distraction. He needed the distraction of physical pain when everything became too much to handle. Cutting gave him that release. It let him feel something other than the guilt and sorrow that constantly plagued him.
So he needed it, simple as that. And while it maybe wasn’t the healthiest way of coping, he had no plans to stop.
The next morning found the potions professor waiting impatiently in his office for his first class to arrive. Severus had applied his glamours as soon as he’d woken up, covering up his newest injuries and gaunt appearance. He’d also skipped breakfast again, not wanting to have to face Albus so early in the morning. He would make up an excuse whenever the headmaster came to interrogate him about missing meals and vanishing food. After all, his appointment as the Head of Slytherin had not been groundless; Severus was extremely talented at the arts of manipulation and deceit.
And even if Albus didn’t believe him, the man wouldn’t be able to prove anything unless he dragged Severus to the hospital wing, and Albus thankfully wasn’t really the type to drag people places, unlike a certain other colleague that he had.
Severus shuddered as he remembered the last time he’d been forced into the infirmary. Minerva had actually had the nerve to petrify him and then levitate him all the way to the hospital wing where she had proceeded to tie him to the bed! Poppy had then confined him to the infirmary for an entire two days before finally releasing him.
Severus huffed. It had been a ridiculous waste of time. He had only had the wizard’s flu, after all. Easily curable with a few potions and rest. He had been perfectly fine.
The clock chimed, and the professor stalked from his office into the classroom, robes billowing menacingly behind him. He hid a smirk; he couldn't deny his love of a dramatic entrance.
The class of third-year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs quickly settled down as he entered, not wanting to risk their formidable potions master’s wrath. Professor Snape tolerated absolutely no pranks or goofing off in his class, and doing so would end with a zero for the day and a very unpleasant detention. Potions was a dangerous subject, and fooling around could result in a dangerous explosion and someone getting seriously injured. However, despite his strict manner and acerbic tongue, the man did care about his students and was very helpful when they approached him with questions.
Severus waited for silence and then narrowed his eyes. “You will all be attempting to make a Pepper-Up Potion this period. If you did the assigned reading, you will know that while the potion was created to cure colds, it can also give temporary strength and energy to the user. It can be useful if one is under pressure and does not have time to rest,” he lectured, being quite familiar with the potion from personal use. “The recipe is on the board. You have 55 minutes. Begin.”
Once everyone had collected their ingredients, Severus started prowling the aisles, checking to see if any of the dunderheads needed help. “Mr. Smith, you're supposed to mince the leaves, not dice them. Ms. Johnson, the recipe says stir clockwise, not counterclockwise. Are you trying to cause an explosion?”
The professor continued stalking down the rows, trying to ignore the slightly dizzy feeling he had. He would take a Pepper-Up from his own stock before he had to teach his next class. “Ms. Williams, I believe the recipe said slice, not mangle-” he abruptly cut off as his vision flashed. He stumbled, grabbing the desk for support.
“Professor? Professor, are you alright?” a voice asked.
Severus looked around, trying to locate the voice. His vision was suddenly swimming, and everything sounded quiet and far away. “I-I’m fine, Mr…?” Severus’ voice slurred at the end, and he slumped to the floor, unconscious.