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Remus Lupin was a prisoner once a month, twice if you counted being trapped in his own mind. Once a month, he was confined in a creaky wooden house that could only be accessed from a tunnel underneath a violent willow near the lake at Hogwarts. Once a month, he was banished to the deepest parts of his mind, unable to do anything but watch as his hairy alternate form did its best to break out of where it was locked in. Scratching at the enchanted wooden walls and chewing on the iron rails in front of the windows that showed nothing but a sliver of the full moon that was hanging in the ink-black sky.
Once a month, he had to watch as sandy, brown-blond fur flew around the room, slowly drifting down until they lightly dropped down on the stained floorboard. Coloured red with both his own blood and the chickens that were locked in with him at the first sign of sunset.
Once a month, he was reminded of how much he hated what he was. How much he hated himself for what he was and what he could do. Would do. Because if there was one thing that Remus was sure of, it was that he was going to hurt someone to the point of no return, be it sooner or later. It was what he was. It was who he was.
He wasn’t even sure at what point he had started to be absorbed in the misery that came with his condition. The sleepless nights, the endless worry for his friends. The endless worry of his friends (that one still hurt the most, nothing stung more than having to lie to your friends). So, he did the one thing he though he could do; avoid them.
It hadn’t worked. James had just clung to him even more, going as far as to drag him to his Quidditch practices and even announcing a random sleepover one night. Which was really kind of stupid, seeing as they were and had been sleeping in the same room for a really long time. They ended up doing it anyway, piling up in Remus’ bed and falling asleep in mere minutes.
Peter was more hesitant to approach him at his own volition. At least, it seemed that way. In reality he left chocolate in all the places he knew Remus frequented. They appeared on his favourite seat in the library, in the windowsill on the third floor he had once discovered and had promptly made his James-and-Sirius-free spot (they still asked him where he went when he came back after reading there for a few hours) and even asking the house elves to add it to the standard menu in the great hall. When the werewolf had asked him about it, he just shrugged and mumbled something about social interaction, avoidance and feeling better when doing so.
There was one case in which it had worked. Sirius had stopped talking to him. The blackhead didn’t exclude him or anything, but he was certainly not initiating any contact and just stared at him with the usual, aloof look on his face. He was kind of glad for that, to be honest. Sirius had been his greatest concern. It was not a secret that the house of Black took great pleasure in decorating their sofa’s with all kinds of furs. Including that of a werewolf. He was afraid that the star-named teen had inherited the one thing of his family that would do Remus in, a hate of dark creatures. And if there was one thing he was sure he couldn’t handle, it was the look of pure disgust his crush would wear when he discovered his roommates furry not-so-little secret.
So, the only way to avoid that, was to avoid Sirius finding out. And the only way to achieve that, was to avoid him. The plan basically just contained a lot of avoiding. That was fine, he was good at that, even if it broke is heart to see Sirius look at him from the corner of his eyes when he thought his (former?) friend wasn’t looking.
In hindsight, he shouldn’t have expected Sirius to just let it go. If only he had just done it in another way, a way that didn’t endanger it. A way that didn’t put him in the was of a raging, moon-drunk werewolf and it’s razor sharp claws. Out of the way of it’s infectious teeth that could ruin the life of a human in the span of the few milliseconds it took to bite down in soft flesh, like Fenrir’s had done done to him and his life. Out of the way of the monster Remus tried so hard to avoid to be. But he did. And he was.
As it had turned out, his fellow Gryffindor had stood true to his house and had bravely followed him out of the tower in the afternoon one day, a few hours before the full moon would rise once again. Remus, way to worried about the oncoming night to properly check his surroundings, hadn’t noticed a thing. He hadn’t noticed it when Sirius had followed him out of the tower, or down the stairs and the thought of someone following didn’t even come up when Sirius stalked after him when he walked out of the giant doors of Hogwarts. He did look up once after he had just pressed the button on the underside of the willow when he had heard a twig snap, but he had just dismissed it as the willow having smashed one of its own branches in one of its last seconds spent moving.
Him not expecting anyone to be in the general perimeter of the Shrieking Shack only made him jump more when a cold hand landed on his shoulder. Or it would have, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was frozen in fear. The hand was joined by another one, who together guided him to make half of a turn, resulting in him facing a very cold looking Sirius Black.
“Rem, why are you sneaking out of Hogwarts to go to some old house?”
Remus could have shaken off his panic and answered with a lie if he hadn’t heard the complete lack of a question mark in Sirius’ voice or seen the blank face that had only added to the sinking feeling in his stomach. He also would have responded with stammering and indecision if it hadn’t been for the slight pull he was starting to feel in the scar of the wound that had changed him. Which meant he was going to change in less than two minutes. So there was only one thing he could do. Plead Sirius to leave and hope he sounded panicked enough to convince the teen to turn around and get out. At least he didn’t have to act, he was getting plenty panicked.
“I- I can’t explain it right now. You just need to get out right this instant, we’ll talk later but please go! Go! SIRIUS! GO, GET OUT OF HERE!”
“Remus, you don’t have to explain anything. I already know. Did you think I wouldn’t figure out that you only disappear on night with a full moon? Did you really think I was that stupid?! Do you really NOT trust me enough to tell me?!”
If Remus had not been surprised (and more than slightly terrified) of Sirius’ first sentence, then the tears that were flowing down his usually flawless would have done the trick. The silence laid thick in the room for a few moment before Sirius started speaking again.
“I know what you are. I’ve known it for a pretty long time now. And I really wanted to wait for you to come to me! But you never did, do I just had to take the initiative. Don’t worry about me by the way, I became an animagus especially for this! I read somewhere werewolves don’t attack changed animagi so I figured all I had to do is become one! It was really hard though, but I did it! Now you don’t have to be alone.
Remus just stood there, utterly speechless. Unable to finds words to describe what he felt. Until the bite mark pulled again, way harder this time and his mind fell into panic again.
“I don’t care what you are now! Just go! Get out! You’re not safe here, antimagus or not! JUST GO SIRIUS! JUST GO!”
He broke down crying at Sirius chest after his tirade, completely exhausted before his transformation had even started. Sirius put his arms around him and squeezed. And then there was a crack and the first part of his spine broke, marking the beginning of his transformation and the last of his control. The last he saw before passing out was a giant, fluffy black dog.
When he came to the next morning, his face was full of curly black hair.
Remus smiled in the curls, hoping last night had marked the beginning of a slightly less lonely life.