Work Text:
Kurapika and Leorio were setitng on the couch, with a bowl of popcorm, and the couch was VERY comfortable. kurapika wasn't really paying attention to the television, for he thought of nothing but murder all day, but Leorio was neck deep in the reality dating competition love story phenomenon known as The Bachelor.
"i just want to know that she's here for the right reasons" said the bland hunk man in the television.
"don't you wish someone loved you for the right reasons, kurapika" Leorio sighed, flirting, making eyes at kurapika lovingly, but kurapika was not paying attention to leorio either.
on the television several women screamed because they were going to a tropical island vacation. it looked like paradise as images flashed by on screen of the local culture, which the contestants were determined to absorb through their tiny little human teeth. no culture vampires in this season—that was a season 180 quirk.
suddenly Kurapika sat up in attention, glued to the screen. Leorio watched him, with some hesitant glee—perhaps kurpika was finally getitng really into his faoritte reality show, which he had Feelings about because True Love is Real and Everywhere. But no, Kurapika pointed at the screen, his eyebrowns narrowing, and looked at leopriro.
"i NEED to do THAT" said kurapika really intensely. he pointed to a man fishing on the screen.
"Fishing?"
Kurapika nodded. "I know how i can get those pesky little spiders," he spat before leaving the room while jogging.
Leoiroo was left alone with The Bachelor. Kurt Pikachu was gone.
"idk what's going on tbh" said Leorio before getting reabsorbed into the Bachelor Franchise. finding out what Kirby was going to do next would have to wait. the rose ceremony was happening nad if jessica was not going to stay Leorioro was gonna REVOLT!!!!
It wasn't too long later until kurpkea was back, with a large box in his arms. he BURST into leoriols' apraermtnet with WILLPOWER, his eyes scanning the room for the tall spindly teenage man.
"i'm going to use your spare room" sai dkurpka .
"could you at least tell me wha tyou are up to?"
"
" said Purakika, luggging his large box into the room and shutting the door behind him
Leorio kncokde on teh door with both his hands and one foot. "do you at least want dinner?" he wasn't even gonna question how kurapika made an reaction image with his real life face. werider things happen in this series.
kurapika was silent for a sseciond, bu then he opened the door. "yes please" he said poliletley. "but i need to Work."
kurapika LOGGED THE FUCK ON once he got his new computer set up in leorioel's spare room. he guessed leorio's wifi password easily, because 1. kurapike belived he was a super high school level genius and 2. leorip did not care about internet security (his facebook was public, fucking amateur), but really kurapika had just seen teh pieces of paper taped to leoriro's fridge that said the name of the password, and kurapika forgot about it.
"computer.... enhance" he said, to no one at all. god he was a major loser. he bought some information of the black market i guess and also sent an AOL messanger message to hisoka asking for some assistance obtaining some other information. hisoka really should've upgreated to a better chat client but he was loyal to AOL to the death. American On Line, the official sponser of this fanfiction.
he set up his accounts. he sent a couple messages. he was ready. it took him days but he had done it. this was the perfect plan. kurapika smiled.
he pressed enter.
LEorio was worred about cutepik. he woried about him all the time but this time it was even more serious. kurapika hardly ever left the room, just sitting alone in the dark eating potato chips and drinking carbonated beverages. Leroio hadn't even been manged to see him, because kurapka only ever left to use the bathroom (which was rare and as a pre-doctor leorio was woried about his urinary tract and bowl movements) or he would see kurapka;'s grimy little hands when leorip made good food. sometimes Leorio would find packages on his steps that were addresesd to kugrpuka, from amazon (A/N: FUCK JOSH BEZORS OR WHATEVER HIS NAME IS) dot com. he delivered them to outside the door of kurapika and kurapika would take them in very fast and quietly. sometimes apckages with a different name would come but leorip still knew that they were kurapikas because Leorio structkyl used ebay for all of his online shoppin.
what was he doing in there? it was a mystery.
but one day after moths of this, leoEIRO AHD HAD AENOUGH. he neeeded to know what was going on. he asked for kurapika nicely to open teh dor, but there was no response. no matter what leorip said there was no repsonse. he then realized he had not seen kurapika in a really long time, or any sign that he was active. all he heard was the sounds of the same techno song blasting on repeat for like 24 hours. that made loiroor experience the emotion of "horror" ! what if his friendo was DEAD!!!!! :O :O ALARM!!! LEOEIO tried to ri poff the door but then remembered that he did not own ths properyt, only rent it, and even if he was money because of being a hunter, he did not want to cause his landord any grief, becaus eliked this place. he then, isntead, VERY QUICKLY Used a screwdriver and other tools to open the door, and then very qiockly ripped teh door off but with properly, and then ran into the room
"KURAPKAAA!!!" leorio said. tehre were mountains of trash and amazon boxes everywhere in the room. and there, one corner, an operational computer, and kurapika, on the ground, looking collapsed.
"NOOOOOO" yelled leorio who ran oer to him and started examining him for signs of medical need. but as he picked up Kelalika's arm to check for a pluse, kurapika woke up.
"whar....are you doing in MY swamp!" said kurapika, who had eyes.
"are you okay??"
"yeah i just stayed up for like three days and apssed out i guess" said kurapka, with utmolst calm. he looked like garbage. he had not cut his hair and it was growing quite long, his eyes were sunken like battleships, and he looked dehydrated. god speaking of this i'm really hungry so brb in the fic for a little bit. take this time to go hydrate, eat some food take your meds, sleep, run, walk, hug, shower, riverdance, or do whatever you need to do to take care of your flesh prison as i also do this too. ok. back.
Leorio pored water all over kurapika's mouth to hydrate him. he (kurapkae) sipped it, making his mouth flourish, and then he continued. "i almost got him though."
"who?"
"chrollo. i'm catfishing him."
"what?"
"i'm catfishing chrollo," kurapika said. "we've become great online "friends" but he doesn't know that it's just a trap."
Leorio didn't really know what to do and the author also didn't erally knoe what to have him too so there was a period of time in which nothing happened.
"what."
"you fool. what do you not understand. i'll lure the spiders in, one by one, via internet relationships and/or friendships, and then crush them!" his eyes turned monetarily red. he slamed his fist down. leorio knew there was nothng he could od to stop him.
"okay... you do your thing, but let me at least come into this room to take care of you and amke sure you're not dead, so you don't, do this again. *motions at entire state of kurapika's body*
ok
"
after a lot of work, it was time. leorio gave kurapika a haircut whike kurapika builded up his rage into his tiny body and made lots of powerful grunts and screams. lLeirori wanted kurapka to be cute at the murder ball so he put his hair into two short pigtails. he looked like that, orange girl from pop team epic, being small, pigtail and angry. same character.
lel
idk why i wrote that i just felt like it. ok
El Deriorio dopped Kupraika off at the anime convention, which is wierd because this is within an anime but fuck you. it's not weird. anime characters can have their own anime. there were a lot of people. more people than kurapika had ever seen in my life. Kurapika was wearing a disguse. nobody would know it was him. he shuffled along, going to the meetup point. then he saw him
there was Chrollo. leaning agains ta lamppost. Purapika's ees were VERY RED ince he saw this man. Chrollo was looking around, clutching a stack of paper in his hand, and was dressed up in attire that was appropriate for an anime conventon. he had those like pants that are really wide witha ll teh buckles and chains? they were black. he also had purple hair extentions. for some reason he wans't wearing a shirt.
"are you xXxspidermanxXx?" said kurapka, as calmnly as you possibly could. i mean as calmly has he possibley could.
"yeah that's me" chrollo said, "but how did you..... Wait. are you Jerry? from online?"
Kuraoika ripped off his carefully crafted mask and stuff. "YES, BUT MY ACTUAL NAME IS KURAPIKA NO LAST NAME. YOU KILLED MY CLAN. PREPAIR TO DIE" he's chains appeared and snatched chrollo.
":'(" said chrollo. "this makes me a sad," he went on to say. "I thought... all this time i had found someone who understood me, and it is..... just a lie" he started crying. papers spilled from his arms everywhere
"chrollo, nobody likes your MLP self insert fanfiction. I only pretended to like it to get close rto YOU" kuraoka said, stepping all over chrollo's MLP self insert fanfiction that now lay strewn about on the ground.
all the fanfic that was written for his onlyne friend Jerry..... the ponysona comissions..... the amazon wishlist items that chrollo had bought for jerry..... their fandub all the MLP movies they did together...... the hours spent online playing on neopets and laughing over skype/discord/whatever chat client you want to imagine..... all of it..... was fake,
it was too much for chrollo to handle.
chrollo exploded in to a cloud of 10000 spiders.
"haha nice spider's george refernce" said a congower, who was Wing, cosplaying one of the hero school kid anime characters.
"YOU IMBICILE," SAID KURAPIKA, VERY ANGRY. his chains could not contain all of the spiders. there wer e too many nad also he was phobic. he was scared and angry, which is a not a good feeling. it was a bad day. chrollo had excaped. it's amazing that i have not typoed chrollo's named once the entire time i ahve written this fic. wow. acoomplish.
well at least, kurapka tought, he was catfishing all the otehr spidesr. at least one,of them would work out. his date with feitan tonight might end in the murder that his little tiny baby heart desired.
this is a really bad fic the end.