Chapter Text
I wasn’t supposed to fall for her. I wasn’t supposed to fall for her smiles or her cute freckles or her dimples or the sound of her laughter or the way her hips sway to the beat or for her azure blue eyes, that could see right through all the layers I protect myself with.
But I did.
It’s supposed to be simple, right? You meet someone, you fall in love, you get to be happy.
But life doesn’t work this way.
I’ve been sitting here next to her for the past hour, trying to pretend, that I’m focused on the movie, while I’ve been watching her.
Things have been awkward between us for weeks now.
It all started when we went to Ravens party about five months ago – the one she’s been doing the forth year in a row at her house with the really nice pool in the backyard.
It was a hot summer night in august. The air was warm and smelled like barbecue and beer and the sky was so clear, that even though we were in the middle of the city, you could see millions of stars.
We played that stupid highschool game truth or dare, because why not, and even though I always hated it, I played along, because everyone else did and I didn’t want to be the party pooper.
That was, until Raven dared Clarke to take a body shot of me.
I mean, yes, it’s quite the cliché.
I’ve always had this tiny little crush on my blonde best friend.
Because she’s gorgeous and funny and makes these stupid bad jokes and she knows me like the back of her hands. She’s sexy to the moon, with legs for days and curves to die for. I don’t know, how she does it, but her hair’s always perfect.
I’m a fucking lesbian with eyes, so of course I crushed a little, when we hit puberty.
And when I came out to her, she just said: “Okay. Can we watch the movie now?”
God, I was so afraid. And she just acted like nothing’s changed.
Back to the party. I thought, it’s nothing special. We’ve always been close, we’ve slept in the same bed for at least one night a week, we’ve kissed before during games or to get rid of guys or girls, who were hitting on one of us. Best friends’ duties.
But the second her hot tongue traced an invisible line from my navel upwards, my breath hitched. Fuck. It felt so unreal and so amazing. I needed all my willpower to not moan. And then her lips touched mine, just for a second.
Since that second, I couldn’t look at her the way I did before. I tried hard to get her out of my head. To replace her with another girl in my fantasies.
And then, a few days before Christmas, we were out dancing in our favorite club. We danced for hours and every step she took, every sway she did with her hips… It had send me into overdrive.
When we finally left the club, both of us were too drunk to walk straight – Clarke stated, that I can’t walk straight, because I’m gay as fuck. We giggled all the way up to her apartment and when I leaned against the wall next to her door, while she fumbled with her keys, suddenly our eyes locked. Clarke stopped her movements and before I knew it, she grabbed my face and crashed her lips into mine without a warning.
We stumbled into her living room a few minutes later, bodies pressed against each other, lips still connected. God, I was so turned on.
But I stopped her.
Because our friendship means the world to me.
Because she doesn’t want me the way I ache for her.
Because she’s straight.
She said the next morning, that she couldn’t remember anything and wondered, where the hickey on her neck came from. I said, I didn’t know either – but I’m guilty. Fuck, I marked my best friend.
Ever since, there’s been this… awkwardness. I can’t sleep next to her, because she cuddles up against me and my thoughts aren’t strictly friendly anymore. They include a lot of sexual things and I shouldn’t have them.
But on Friday, exactly two week ago, we’ve been having a movie night. I dozed of in the middle of it, because I had a tough day at work and her choice in movies is particularly boring most of the time. When I woke up, the credits already rolled on the screen.
But its more about, what woke me up – because Clarkes lips had been grazing my pulse point. When our eyes met, I could feel a knot of fear and guilt form in my stomach, but before anything else happened, she kissed me softly. Just a short peck on the lips, but it felt wrong. Hell, she just went on a date with this guy I can’t stand and then she kisses me?
So I told her, we should get some sleep. And we did. Okay, she did.
Last week I found an excuse to cancel our movie night – for the first time in years. But I couldn’t be close to her and listen to her talking about that guy.
I’m staring at her, sitting across the couch.
She’s got her hair up in a messy bun – the one, that took her years to learn. I remember her squealing excited, when she finally got it right and the memory makes me smile.
This version of her – comfortable clothes, little to no makeup – is the one I love the most. This is my Clarke – my oldest and best friend.
We didn’t cuddle today and that’s been saving my ass so far. But my fingers itch to touch her and my whole body is tensed, burning and aching to be close to her.
Of course I had to fall for my straight best friend. Because this hurts the most and in some weak moments, I tell myself, that it’s okay. That it’s going to pass. That I like the pain, because this way I can still be close to her.
But nevertheless, I can’t keep it to myself any longer.
“Clarke, I can’t do this anymore.”
Confused blue eyes meet mine. “What do you mean?”
“You know what.”
“No, Lexa, I don’t.” She stops the movie and moves around, so she can face me properly. There’s worry and fear hidden in her wonderful eyes. “You have to say more than that.”
“We kissed.”
Surprise flashes over her face, but it’s gone within the blink of an eye.
“Yes. And?”
Is she kidding right now? Wow, I thought, I deserved better than that.
“See, that’s the point. Damn, we kissed.”
“Lexa, I thought… We’ve been friends forever. No big deal, right? I mean, it sort of happened. Weeks ago. Why are you bringing this up now?”
“No big deal?” I repeat. Is she for real? “You don’t just kiss your best friend and we’ve kissed three times.”
She hesitates for a split second, probably to count herself. “Yeah, you didn’t really stop me-”
“So it’s my fault?”
She buries her face in her hands. “No, that’s not what I meant, I… Damn, Lex, can we just… blame it on the alcohol and-“
“Last time we both were sober.” I state as a matter of fact.
Damn, we made out against her apartment door. We kissed on that damn couch. She sleeps over in my bed in nothing more than a shirt and panties. When we danced in the club… no, I won’t start.
I can’t shake the feeling, that she’s been using me to explore herself and that feels wrong. Just because I’m a lesbian, doesn’t mean, that she can explore her sexuality and stuff with me. I’ve got feelings and I won’t pretend like nothing happened between us.
Because we’re fucking best friends and everything was going great, until she came along and started to put these little thoughts in my head, which I don’t want there. I want my best friend back.
Clarke blushes and avoids my gaze. Is she ashamed?
Wow.
Shit. That hurt.
“You know what, forget it.” I tell her. “I can’t do this right now.”
I get up and grab my jacket. I’ve got to get out of here, before I break something or do something stupid – like confess my feelings. Maybe they’re just imagination? I mean, it could be, right?
“Lex, please, wait-”
I slam the door, not even hearing her lame excuse. As I get into the elevator, I’m so angry, that I punch the wall.
Fuck. FUCK!
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“Who pissed in your cheerios?” Octavia asks, when I return home an hour later and pull myself a glass of whisky first. I tried walking it off, but it isn’t working.
“Fuck off, O.” I know, she hasn’t done anything. But I’m not in the mood right now.
“Easy tiger.”
“Just stop, okay?”
Well, Octavia Blake is a lot, but not one to listen.
“Why aren’t you at Clarkes? Movie night?”
I down my whisky, slam the glass on the kitchen surface and leave the room wordlessly.
The way Clarke acted, hurt me. Because of course I had to fall for my best friend slash the straight girl, who just wanted to explore herself and is ashamed of it afterwards. God, I’m so stupid.
I let myself fall face down onto my bed and scream into my pillow. Why did I have to say something?
Thirty seconds later someone knocks.
Oh, for fucks sake.
“I thought, maybe you want some ice for your knuckles?” Octavia asks carefully. She waits by the door, until I turn around and sit up.
“Thank you.” I take the ice and put it on my bruised knuckles. Let’s just say, punching the elevator isn’t the best idea I had today.
“Can I ask, what happened?”
“We had a… fight?”
“A fight? You and Clarke? When has that ever happened?”
It’s a rhetorical question, because Octavia knows the answer, because we grew up together. Never. Not once in all those years. We never fought, at least not like that.
“Wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head and bury myself in my pillows again, trying to ignore the ache in my heart and the burning in my eyes.