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I love you, I say and you don’t even look up. You’re not stopping your work for a single second. You’re cleaning the test tube in your hand, and put a cork on it.
I’m standing in the doorframe and wait. Maybe you simply want to finish your work before you acknowledge me. But forty-seven heartbeats later you still don‘t show any signs that you even know I am here.
I leave, pretending I’ve never said anything, just like you’re pretending you haven’t heard anything.
~*~
I love you, I say and with a deep sigh you stick a nicotine patch on your arm.
Again, I am waiting for your answer. But you don’t say anything. Later, you’re asking for your phone.
"It’s right next to you“, I say and you just shrug unaffected. I give it to you, place it in your outstreched hand. Intention or not? You’re holding my hand and not the phone. It’s ridiculous, but it feels like an electric shock. Not comfortable at all. It hurts. You’re hurting me with every touch. Everytime the shockwaves travel further through my body. It goes on until I feel numb. This destroys me. And yet I’m longing for more. I want to feel you with every fibre of my body. And if I can’t have that, I want at least to hear your voice. But you’re not talking or eating and you touch me too infrequently for me to get used to it.
~*~
I love you, I say and thank you for my rescue.
This ist he first time you show a reaction. You’re smiling.
"This is what friends are for“, you say and help me stand. You’re supporting my weight and won’t let go so that I won’t fall to the ground in this shady swimming pool. You’re holding me and I‘m letting you.
I take in your scent, breathe in deeper than I should and you still won’t let go of me. This is your mistake. You let me stay in your arms; you let me love you the way I do. You give me cruel hope.
My mistake to love you extends this cruel hope.
~*~
I don’t say it and I don’t even want to think it. I should shout it and pull you close to me. Kiss you. Bite you. Claim you. I should make you scream and make you silent.
But I can’t.
I saw you. With her. Are you really interested in her? Because she is like you? She even looks like you! Clear eyes, dark hair.
The Woman. You find each other fascinating. I get that, but do you love her the way I love you? Or do you just love yourself so much that you want a mirror as a partner? Because you’re equal?
You’re not free, though. Even she said we are a couple.
I know that you’re keeping her phone in that drawer. I know you saw it when I took it and tried to unlock it.
~*~
I hate you, I say and sip my coffee.
You shake your head and focus on something behind my head with a lopsided smile before your gaze meets my eyes. "No, you don’t“, say you.
The sun above the Crossed Keys shines warm on my back and makes your eyes sparkle. How come that the mind behind your eyes can detect that I don’t hate you, yet misses every time that I love you?
You pat my shoulder and leave.
~*~
I love you, I say and look up to you. I can barely see your silhouette and your coat which is flowing in the wind. I don’t see your eyes but I hear you crying. I don’t see your lips but I hear you talking.
"I know“, you say.
You know. You know I love you and you still throw away your phone and fall? You know I love you and you still jump from this roof? Or are you jumping because you know?
Please, Sherlock. Please, don’t be dead. I’m taking your pulse and can’t find it. You don’t have a pulse, and yet I plead for you to not be dead. Please. Come back to me.
I promise to never confess my love again. I will keep it to myself in order to protect our friendship. If this friendship is all you can give, then I will take it gratefully. Please, just don’t be dead.
But you are. They carry you away and I am alone. Kneeling in the rain, I watch your blood being washed away.
~*~
You loved him, Ella notices.
Your brother pressured me to go and see my therapist again, after your decease. I refused in the beginning: I didn’t leave the flat. I sat in your chair for a whole day and cried silent tears. Only when I was too weak to feel anything anymore, I gave in to Mycroft’s demand. And now I’m sitting here and can’t say a word. I promised you to never say it again. But you’re dead. Can you even hear it then?
I just nod. I won’t say it out loud.
Ella’s writing something in her notebook. I am too tired to read it.
"You need to talk about it“, she says. Her soft, concerned voice makes me angry. I don’t need to talk about it.
"Write your blog, then.“
I stare at her and don’t know what to think. I absolutely forgot about the blog. But now that I‘ve remembered, I want to erase it. I want to delete the blog and keep all the memories of you to myself.
I didn’t know I could but I start crying again.
Ella hands me a tissue. "Go out. Live“, she says after a while. I’m not listening. I’m thinking about you and how you shot our wall.
"Take your time“, Ella says before I leave. This session wasn’t helpful at all. I go home and go to bed.
I can’t sleep.
~*~
I love you, Mary says. Her smile is shy but warm.
I don’t know what to say. A response would probably be appropriate, but you never did that either. Though, you are two years ago. Mary isn’t you, I know. She can’t replace you but she is present when you aren’t. You haven’t been present for two years. Mary brought light into this suffocating emptiness in me. Because of her I am living again. Even if it never is as adventurous and dangerous as it was with you.
I can’t reciprocate it but I kiss her. It seems to be enough. For now.
~*~
I love you, you say and I violently wake up. Next to me, Mary looks concerned and rubs my back.
~*~
I love you, you say and this time I’m not asleep. You’re standing in front of me and tell me what I’ve always wanted to hear. You’re standing there as if you’d never died. I don’t believe that you’re alive. How could I?
I turn and walk away. I pay Ella a visit and confess that I might be hallucinating. She says that’s unlikely. I don’t take any medication and I am over my sadness about your death.
"But he cannot possibly be alive“, I say and look at Ella, confused. I saw you jump. I sat in your blood. You can’t be alive.
Ella insists I am fine.
~*~
I love you, you say and Mary sees you. She can’t hear you but she is a witness. She is the proof that you are alive and that I am not mentally ill.
You look at me and I just shake my head. You are too late. You are two years too late. I have Mary now. I like her: she is fantastic. It is not fair of you to come back now and overwhelm me like this. You’ve been gone. I was over you and now you come back as if nothing has happened? That’s not fair. I don’t even live at Baker Street anymore. You can’t do this. What about Mary? She loves me. You cannot make me choose. You are too late.
~*~
You still love him, Mary says, tears in her eyes.
I want to shake my head but she is right. I still love you. I‘ve never stopped. But I can’t leave her. Mary‘s brought me back to life.
Se doesn’t let me explain and breaks up with me. She doesn’t want to be with anyone who loves someone else. Can you blame her? It could’ve worked out if you stayed dead. It is your fault. She is sad and hurt and won’t pick up the phone when I call.
It is your fault and yet I can’t thank you enough for it.
~*~
You are in my arms, holding onto me. You’re not saying anything, and I am silent, too. I stroke your hair and you sound like you’re purring. I think about Mary and how much I‘ve hurt her. But I saw her with someone else. She seemed happy. I am happy. You are happy. We are all safe and alive. You bury your face in my shoulder and start kissing my collarbone. I push you away and pull you up to my lips. You kiss my mouth and it burns. No, burning is uncomfortable. It’s a soft, warm glow that makes me shiver.
You are back and we’re lying next to each other and you’re kissing me.
I love you, I say.
I love you, you say.