Work Text:
Attempt 218
[Having Eleanor and Tahani as soulmates goes way too well to qualify as torture.]
Attempt 219
“Eleanor, meet your soulmate, Simon.”
“Bring it in, man. Dude, you didn't have to bring flowers. They smell great though. I think I love flowers now! I used to just let 'em sit in a vase until they were all dried up and their stems went moldy – I mean does it even count as a gift if I have to take care of it? – but these are beautiful. They remind me of something so wonderful...Michael, am I supposed to have deja vu in the Good Place?”
“No, not really, but sometimes there's an adjustment period.”
***
“Tahani, meet your soulmate, Devon.”
“Hello, darling. I do love a short partner, just someone I can imagine folding up and carrying about in the Prada clutch my good friend Pippa Middleton gave to me."
Attempt 220
“Eleanor, meet your soulmate, Raj.”
“Bring it in, man. Dude, you have the most beautiful skin. Is that a weird compliment? Sorry. Any interest in having the robot lady...Janice...Jameela...whatever...bring us some cappuccino and caramels, and then maybe seeing what's behind door number Clown up there?”
***
“Tahani, meet your soulmate, Alexander.”
“Hello, darling. I didn't expect to meet a Floridan in the Good Place. I do love that American accent though. So rough around the edges. Are you a cowboy? Will you call me Hot Stuff like my good friend...um...”
***
“Janet!”
“Hi there!”
“Janet, there is no way any of these four humans are actual soulmates to one another, right?”
“That is correct. The compatibility index of each pairing is negative.”
“Is that true even if you use theoretical Forcettian mathematics that aren’t actually true but feel true?”
“Yes. Through twelve hundred dimensions and to a trillion decimal places, their numbers do not align.”
“Okay. Good. So there must be a glitch in the rebooting that is leaving behind traces of memory in their minds.”
“Unless...”
“Yes, Janet?”
“Well, it's a divde by zero sort of thought, but they could be soulmates if their numbers changed after they died. All bets would be off then.”
“That would shake the foundations of the way we process souls for the afterlife.”
“It would.”
“It's unthinkable!”
“Untrue. I thought-”
“No Janet, I mean, which is more likely, that the ineffable beings who conceived the system were wrong, or that Eleanor and Tahani are not really soulmates?”
“Insufficient data.”
“Okay, we'll try this a few more times.”