Chapter Text
They come out at the top of Primrose Hill. The light is just fading over London and she loves this view. The weather is blustery and as she had predicted, there is no-one around. She plonks herself down on the bench and looks at him expectantly.
He takes his time, looking around, building up the courage to say whatever it is that he's going to say. She tries to tell herself not to be too hopeful, but her heart hammers in her chest and she can't help but hope, hope that he'll say something, anything, which explains away the weeks of cold detachment.
He finally turns to face her, but does not sit down.
"Tonks…it was nice. What you said, at the meeting. Thank you."
She hadn't been expecting this. "Was it? I wasn't really thinking. Though I stand by what I said, this mission is stupid. Why are you thanking me?"
"Because most people would think that's exactly where I belong. In Greyback's pack, I mean. And your first reaction was to say how ridiculous, and dangerous, and stupid you think it is. I'm grateful for that." A pregnant pause.
"I know I've been…things haven't been normal between us. I'm sorry for that. I just wanted you to know how grateful I am for your friendship."
Tonks feels her heart plummet but she tries to keep her face impassive, her eyes fixed on the ground. So, this is the brush-off. I care for you…as a friend.
It has arrived weeks after her initial overture but this does nothing to lessen the pain it inflicts, even though she had known that it was wildly optimistic to hope for anything else. He hadn't exactly swept her off her feet when she'd confessed her love for him. And yet, she had hoped…
The silence stretches out between them, and he settles himself on the bench next to her. Not too far, but not so close, either. She's got to stop looking out for that sort of thing. Yes, time was, he'd sit very close and she would relish every brush of his leg against hers, like a lovesick schoolgirl. But that time has long passed, and it seems to grow more distant and hazy by the day.
"I must do it, Tonks." His words interrupt her reverie. "After all, who is better placed than me to go? Here I am, a ready-made spy." He chuckles bitterly. He glances over, but his eyes slide off her almost immediately. "Probably best I go away for a little while, anyway."
Her heart rate picks up and she turns to fix him with her best truth-searching gaze, usually saved for interrogations at work. "Why bother? You've been ignoring me so effectively, I sometimes wonder if I've become transparent. And better for whom, anyway? For me, or for you?"
He has the decency to look troubled, but only offers a one-worded reply - "Both". She waits expectantly but he offers no other explanation.
Her frustration peaks and she stands up, almost squaring up to him, though he is still sitting. "That's it then, is it? Great talk."
She makes to walk away, but then rounds on him again.
"You know, Remus, I thought more of you than this. It's pretty simple. If, on the one hand, you don't feel the same way I do, then have the decency to just come out and say so. I'm a big girl, I can take it."
She pauses, feeling uncertain yet determined.
"But if, on the other, you ARE interested, which I must say, you gave every sign of being before the Great Freeze of '96 - then what the hell is going on?!"
She stares at him, defiantly. He is looking at her in disbelief…and…fear? Delight? She used to think she could read him so easily, but it's like they've lost the language they used to share. His face is a blank page to her now, or a script in an alphabet she can no longer decipher.
"Tonks…it's not that I…" He flounders. She waits, impatiently. "You must know I care about you. But you must also know, that things couldn't ever work between us…"
"No, I do not know that. I must be very stupid. Please spell it out for me." She feels calm and in control now, which makes a nice change to all the weeks of nagging doubts.
He gets up and starts pacing. She watches his silhouette in the rays of the setting sun. "Tonks…where do I even start?! I'm so much older than you…that alone should be more than enough reason. And I can't offer you anything. I haven't a knut to my name. That's without mentioning that I'm a Dark Creature. You know, the sort the Ministry likes to keep in check?! I can see the headline in the Daily Prophet now - Auror runs off with werewolf! " He shakes his head, sorrowfully.
Her heart flutters in her chest at the thought of the two of them running off together.
"You're very presumptuous, you know. You could start by agreeing to go on a few dates with me. No-one ever said anything about jumping straight to an elopement." She says, cooly. "And anyway, it still doesn't explain what you thought ignoring me for weeks on end would achieve, except hurting my feelings, of course. Or why you're going off to hang out with Greyback."
He stops in front of her and pushes his hair out of his eyes. "I told you. I've got to go." He fixes her with a gaze of such intense honesty it pierces her. "And I never intended to hurt you. I just never expected you to feel the same way. Not in my wildest dreams. I panicked when you said…what you said. Totally panicked. And I…we can't, Tonks. I won't even consider it." He says, raising his hand, cutting off the reply she was about to make.
He's finally voiced how he feels about her and heart should be soaring. Instead, she's indignant. "And I suppose I don't get a say in this?"
He shakes his head.
Suddenly, it dawns on her. "This mission is just a convenient excuse, isn't it? You'd rather run away and hide than face up to this, to us. Bravery, my ass!"
Remus hangs his head and refuses to meet her eye.
There seems to be nothing else left to say. She sits back down, furious. Darkness is creeping up around them and he is still standing, scanning the encroaching darkness for lurking foes.
"We should go. Can I take you home?" asks Remus, softly. He holds out his hand. She so desperately wants to take it in her own, but is much too angry to admit it.
"I thought you were too dangerous? A Dark Creature, and all that. Best no-one sees an Auror and a werewolf cavorting in the street, or what will the Daily Prophet think?!" she spits at him.
She stands, makes to walk away, then stops and sighs. She wants him to take her home. She holds out her hand to him, and he takes it.
They disapparate back to her flat, but he does not take her up on her offer to come inside. He tells her he will not be able to write, and to please refrain from writing to him. He will try to come back as soon as possible, but it's unlikely to be before Christmas.
The worst part is when he tells her it would be best for them both if she would try to move on. She should find someone more appropriate, someone that she can introduce to her parents. She flatly refuses and tells him she will wait for him to come to his senses.
He tucks an errant strand of hair away from her face, kisses her very chastely on the cheek, and leaves. She cries for a very long time afterwards.