Work Text:
Kate Lockley was not assigned the bizarre D'Oblique serial killer case just because as a blonde, thin, white woman, she was most likely to attract the killer's attention. It was also because the scene, if not the bar itself, is familiar to her. She's gotten used to spending her, few as they were, off hours in places like this, looking for a connection. It was easy for her to act like a desperate, lonely person, looking for a connection. It's not the whole picture for her, but sometimes it feels like she barely had to act, the role coming to her very easily. Especially with Angel, who she met at the very end of that case. Of course, she also suspected of him being the killer in this case, so that pretty much says all it needs to about Kate’s dating skills, and her type.
Until that last night, the bartender didn't ping for her, at all, which bothers her. Considering everything, he should have been her primary suspect. he got to know her well enough to know her usual drink. She should have known something was off about him. Even though everything makes sense in the end, she can't help feeling like she's missing something. Possibly with Angel. She's not really sure how to read him. But it’s not like she really knows how to read even her own emotions, much less someone else’s.
She's tried going out and making connections. Mostly with men, but sometimes with women, if it turned out they had shared interest, since she doesn’t really make her way to actual gay bars that often, if ever. She discovered that whatever attractions she experiences, it’s not simply one or the other. She would rather keep that to herself, though. She was hoping her father hadn't noticed, but his comment at his retirement party shows different. Not that she's willing to tell him that. Let him think of Angel has proof of her complete and total straightness.
But how straight could she be, or even how *normal*, could she be, when her partner Harlan has been in love with her for two years, and she never noticed. Even after she knows, she’s not sure what exactly she missed, which cues where supposed to tell her Harlan wanted to be with her. Maybe she really doesn't know what's like to need someone the way Harlan wanted her to feel. She's not sure she even understands how. Not with men but not with women either.
**
Kate doesn't quite know how she connects with Angel. There's some attraction to him (although she's not quite sure what type), he's a good looking, kind guy who seems to share some of her insecurities. She probably would have slept with him, given the chance. She's not sure how much she faked her 'let's go somewhere quiet'. But she's not sure Angel was on the same page about that though. She's pretty sure he assumed they would have just gone somewhere else to talk. Signals can be so confusing.
But after she finds out he's a vampire, he loses a lot of appeal. To want him, after everything she read about Angelus, just seems creepy afterwards. But after she digests all of that, she thinks she might be able to still be his friend. Maybe. She'll need to give it some more time. She's not ready to kill him though.
***
"It's not good to be alone, Kate" her father tells her.
The man who abandoned his daughter, emotionally if not physically, and never seemed to connect with another woman after her mother died. The one who has never missed an opportunity to tell Kate how she should do things differently, how she should be better. Who never had a kind word for her. She had to steal comfort from the parents of her friends. She's done everything she could to get her father's, not even approval necessarily, but some comaraderie. Some acknowledgement.
She's been alone most of her life. Not always, but nothing has managed to really stick to this day. But she hasn't been unhappy all this time. Being alone should be fine. The need for everyone to pair up, she's never quite felt that. But she's also not sure she's alone, the way her father talks of it. She has people she cares about. She has friends. She doesn't spent all her nights alone. Maybe she's fine like this. But she doesn't feel comfortable telling her father any of this. She's sure he wouldn't understand. She's only just starting to. But she will. Maybe she'll tell him someday. But not now.