Work Text:
Stan crossed and uncrossed his legs with nervously. His fingers tapped a frantic rhythm against the kitchen table. A few small whimpers slipped out of his throat. It was those whimpers that made Kyle peek in from the living room, eye brow raised. "Something wrong, dude?"
"Wends." Stan grumbled. He dropped his forehead to the tabletop.
Kyle furrowed his brow as he entered the kitchen. "Wends? Are you two having a fight again?"
"No, but we will be if they don't hurry and get out of the bathroom!" Stan squeezed his legs together. "They beat me in there, and it's been a half hour."
Kyle hummed then said, "I heard the water running earlier, so I think they're taking a bath." He set his hand on Stan's shoulder. "Just ask to go in. It's not like you haven't seen everything before."
Stan raised his head and shook it. "Last time they were in there this long, and I burst in to pee, you two were, ya know." Stan made a move to make a lewd gesture with his hands to explain himself, but Kyle slapped his hands down, face flushed.
"I remember just fine what we were doing." Kyle snapped. He took a breath. "But I'm here, and unless they're cheating on us, it's probably safe to go knock on the door. If they don't let you in, then, I dunno, go piss outside."
"It's cold as fuck outside." Stan countered. "Think Wends would be upset if I pissed in the sink?"
Kyle crossed his arms. "I would be upset if you pissed in the sink. Jesus, dude, look, I'll go knock for you." Before Stan could stop him, Kyle was already out of the kitchen and heading down the hall.
With his eyes metaphorically floating, Stan rushed after his boyfriend. Call him immature, but he didn't think anyone could blame him for acting like this about the matter. Neither Kyle or Wends grew up with an older sister who would take literal hours in the bathroom. Neither of them had ever hard to experience the titty twisters and the wet willies from Shelly that he got from so much as waiting outside the bathroom door for too long.
"Kyle, no!" Stan cried out as Kyle rapped his knuckles against the bathroom door.
"Hey, Wends, how much longer are you going to be in there? Stan has to pee."
Stan nearly crumpled to the ground, defeated. The memory pain of Shelly's noogie's flared up on the top of his head.
The bathroom door opened, and Wends stepped out in their shorts and a tank top. While their hair was damp, the rest of their body seemed fairly dry. Stan couldn't help but wonder if they had been in their playing on their phone or something this whole time. He pushed the thought from his mind, however, as he made a beeline for the bathroom. His jeans were already unzipped and unbuttoned by the time he got there.
Kyle rolled his eyes. "You can at least shut the door, dude."
Stan let out a contented sigh as his bladder emptied. "Not like you've both haven't seen it before."
"Whatever." Kyle shook his head. "So, Wends, what were you doing in there that took so long anyway?"
"It wasn't that long," Wends replied, "and shaving, if you must know." They propped up their smooth leg against the wall to emphasize their point. Kyle reached out and ran his fingers over the soft skin. He let out a low whistle and nodded in approval.
"Wends, it took forever," Stan cut in, zipping up his jeans. The flushing of the toilet filled the room as he reached over to also touch their leg, only for Wends to drop it down.
"Wash you're hands first."
"Fine," Stan rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. As he washed, he asked, "How does it take so long for girls--I mean, people who shave their legs--to shave them? It only takes Kyle and I like three minutes to shave our faces--five if it's a shitty razor." Stan ran his hand over the facial hair that grew from his sideburns down the length of his jaw to his chin. He hoped Wends wouldn't point out neither he nor Kyle had actually fully shaved their faces completely in a few months.
"Legs are a bit bigger than faces," Wends pointed out. "And you two don't shave your armpits, either. It's all a lot more time consuming than you think."
"No offense, but," Kyle put an arm over Wends' shoulders, "leg hair all grows the same way, not like facial hair." He tugged at his chin whiskers as he spoke.
Wends smirked. "Ok, then, why don't you two try it. Go and shave your legs. I'll even let you use my extra razors."
Their partners stiffened and exchanged a startled look with each other.
"Um, we, ah," Stan started. He wracked his brain for a reason he and Kyle couldn't shave their legs. Unfortunately the only reason that came to mind was 'because we're guys, and guys don't shave their legs'. Stan knew from previous experience that any argument that relied heavily on gender roles like that usually failed when used against Wends. He could almost hear their reply of 'I'm a guy sometimes, and I shave my legs!' in the back of his head.
Kyle winced then heaved a sigh. He dropped his arm from Wends' shoulders. "Alright, come on, Stan, let's show Wends how it's done. It's just our legs. It can't be that hard."
Stan nodded with a grimace. He stepped aside to let Kyle into the bathroom. Wends took a step forward only to have Stan put his hand up to stop them.
"You've had your time in the bathroom. It's Kyle and Stan time now." He stated.
Wends chuckled and shook their head. "Whatever you two say. If you want help, I'll be in the kitchen. Feel free to use any of my stuff. Good Luck." They winked before spinning around and heading off.
Stan shut the door then turned towards Kyle, who was sitting on the side of the tub. A can of Wends raspberry scented shaving cream rested in his hand.
"Do you think it matters which one of these we use? Could we use ours or should we use theirs?" Kyle asked.
"I dunno; I bet they work the same." Stan snagged the can from Kyle's grasp. He scanned down the instructions. "'For a close, clean shave of legs, under arms, and bikini area--'"
"'Bikini area'?" Kyle repeated.
"Yeah, you know," Stan made a vague motion around his crotch. "The parts covered by the bottom part of a bikini or speedo or whatever."
A look of fear flashed across Kyle's eyes. "We don't have to shave that too, do we? I really don't like the idea of a razor down there."
"Hell, no! We agreed legs, and legs alone!" Stan jabbed the can of shaving cream at Kyle. Kyle let out a sigh of relief, and Stan return to reading the can. "'Wet area with warm water. Lather on shaving cream.'" Stan read allowed. He looked around before grabbing a towel from the hamper beside the sink.
"Dude, gross, I'm not using that." Kyle's face scrunched up.
"It's fine. I used this one this morning. I only washed my hair, so it's practically clean." Stan replied as he turned on the sink.
"Yeah, no." Kyle reached across the gap between the tub and the hamper to pull the hamper closer. He shifted through the shirts and pants until he out a towel he'd used the day before. He pressed it to his nose and took a breath. It smelled clean enough. In theory, they could have gotten a clean towel, but neither of them wanted to give Wends any chances at taking a jab at them as they ventured across the apartment.
"Alright, um, you want to go first?" Kyle scooted over on the side of the tub, making room.
Stan shrugged. "I guess?" He said, sitting down. He began to roll up the legs of his jeans before pausing. "You know what, fuck it." He stood and began to unbutton before dropping his pants. He kicked them off to the side and sat down in only his boxers.
Kyle covered his snicker with his hand. Small, and frankly adorable, puppies peppered the fabric of Stan's boxers. The puppy boxers had been a bit of a gag gift from Wends on Stan's last birthday. While they had all laughed when Stan first opened it, it turned out that the boxers were actually pretty comfortable, so Stan claimed, and he wore them often. No matter how many times Kyle saw them, he couldn't help but laugh a little at the doe-eyed puppies running and playing around his boyfriend's hips.
"Ok, wet first." Stan pressed his wet towel to his legs. After a moment he set the towel aside. "Think that's good enough?"
"Probably." Kyle slapped Stan's wet, bare leg. He earned himself a punch in the arm for it. "Do you want to use Wends' shaving shit or ours?"
Stan began to shake Wends can of shaving cream. "I'm not wasting any of our stuff on this. Besides, raspberries smell nice enough. Alright, let's try this." He pressed down on the top of the can and made a thick line of white shaving cream down the front of his leg. He set the can aside before rubbing the cream around his leg.
"Hand me a razor." Stan held out his hand grimly.
"I think they keep their extras under the sink," Kyle pushed himself up. He returned a moment later with a pack of razors. Of the four that came with it, only one was missing. "So, pink, orange, or green?" He asked.
"Green."
Kyle set the green razor into Stan's hand. Stan took a breath. He spun around and propped his leg up against the opposite side of the tub. He pressed the blades against his leg, then pulled back. His brows furrowed.
"With the grain or against, do you think?" Stan asked.
Kyle opened his mouth then shut it. He pressed his lips together in thought for a moment. "Against would be closer, so start from your ankle and go to your knee. If it hurts or something, then go down."
Stan nodded. With the razor pressed to his ankle, he began to drag it up. A line clear of shaving cream and hair appeared in its wake. He repeated this until the front of his leg was clean of his thick black leg hair.
Stan winced. "No matter what Wends might say, I feel a little emasculated right now."
Kyle ran his finger up the clean stripe of skin. He raised his eye brows. "Emasculated or not, damn, dude, your skin is smooth."
With out replying, Stan turned his leg to the side. He stretched over. This was more of a contortion act than he had expected. With more difficulty than he was willing to admit, Stan finally was able to pull the razor up from his ankle and over his calf muscle in a wobbly line. He screwed up his face in a wince. Stan set the razor down before standing in the tub.
"Hey, do you need help?" Kyle asked with an amused smile.
"No, I got this." Stan gritted his teeth.
He had two thirds of his leg shaved clean and smooth. He twisted and turned as he struggled to get the back of his leg. He even tried to half-stand with his foot against the wall and twist around, though quickly abandoned the attempt when he nearly stumbled face first into Kyle. After a few moments, he let out a frustrated growl and flopped back into the tub. He then tossed the razor into Kyle's lap and set his heel against the side of the tub next to his boyfriend.
"Thank God, we're dating, or this would be really weird." Stan grumbled.
Kyle wiped the razor against Stan's towel before he began. "Dude, we are dating, and this is still weird."
"I don't know how, but I'm getting Wends back for this." Stan muttered, pushing the fact both he and Kyle had agreed to the challenge to the back of his mind.
"We could not shave for, like, a month or two, and have a full Santa man beard like Clyde has." Kyle suggested as he shaved the final stripe off.
"Nah, my mustache always ends up looking like a porn 'stache, no matter what I do. Remember how bad it looked sophomore year?" Stan stuck his tongue out at the memory.
"At least, you could grow something more than the tiniest bit of stubble like Cartman." Kyle laughed.
Stan couldn't help but smile in agreement as he pulled his leg close to himself, running his hands over the now smooth skin. He had to admit, it felt nice not having to tangle his fingers against course leg hair.
"You've got me there." Setting his other leg up on the side of the tub, Stan said, "Alright, let's not waste anymore time. We still have three more legs to go."
~~~~~
Wends sat at the kitchen table, recounting the story that lead to thier boyfriends being walled up in the bathroom attempting to prove them wrong, in a group chat.
OMG, wends! really?? damn, lucky! Bebe was saying. i always have to bribe clyde to shave his facial mess! lol! it would take more than cute lingerie to get him to even *consider* shaving his legs!
lol bebe tmi! Nicole punctuated her comment with a laughing gif. i wish token would grow a beard sometimes, like he had for a year back in high school? he looked so cute! <3
Wends chuckled to herself at the memory. About thier sophomore year, pretty much everyone who could grow a beard in their class all got together, or at least, were rounded up by Cartman, and presented a bet to see who could grow the longest beard over the course of the school year. just ask him if he wants to. and who even won that bet anyway? I never found out.
damn who was it? scott malkinson, i think? scott or kevin stoley. Nicole replied.
all i remember was clyde came in third and he cried about it for a week. Bebe then sent a crying gif then a laughing sticker after her message.
Wends rolled their eyes, about to reply, when they heard a cry from the bathroom followed by their name shouted frantically. Without missing a beat, Wends pocketed thier phone and dashed out of the kitchen. Not bothering to knock, they threw open the bathroom door. A cloud of steam hit their face.
"What's going on? I heard screaming!" Wends waved their hand in front of their face to clear some of the steam. In the bathtub were their boyfriends with the shower on full blast. Kyle sat inside the tub had his one of this legs propped up against the wall in a direct line of the shower spray, while Stan stood slightly off to the side. At this point they were both in their boxers and both drenched.
"Oh, God! It's nothing!" Kyle sighed, hiding his face in his hand.
"It's not nothing!" Stan snapped. He stepped quickly under the shower towards Wends. "We ran out of your shaving cream, and when we went to see if you have anymore, we found this hair remover shit and when we tried it on Kyle's leg it started to burn and--"
"I just got it in a cut or rubbed it in too much or something." Kyle cut in. "It's no big deal. Wends, Stan, I'm fine." He pushed himself back to the lip of the tub and rubbed his leg down with a towel Wends knew for a fact was dirty.
Despite Kyle's reassurances, Stan still had a worried look across his features. Wends smiled softly before putting a hand on Stan's arm and gave him a small squeeze. They then sat next to Kyle and repeated the same action on him.
"It's suppose to be cold water, but as long as you got it all off you should be fine." They said, pressing a kiss to Kyle's temple.
Stan pressed his lips into a line before he took a seat across from his partners on the toilet. "So he's going to be ok? We don't need to go to the ER or anything?"
Wends chuckled. "No, besides, that would be an awkward ER visit." They then dropped their voice down in pitch. "'What's your emergency?'"
"'Oh well, you see, nurse,'" Kyle replied with a cheeky grin. "'My boyfriend and I were trying to prove ourselves, and now I have a chemical burn.'"
Even Stan chortled at that. A sudden realization hit him just then. "Oh, shit!" He gasped then swung his leg up and dropped it in Wends' lap, a wide, proud smile on his features.
"Feel it, Wends! Feel how fucking smooth it is!" Stan demanded playfully.
Wends raised their hand. Starting from his knee, they rubbed their hands up and down. Wends had to admit, he did a good job. There was a few missed spots of black hair here and there and a couple of nicks, but, all in all it, seemed as if Stan had shaved his leg perfectly clean.
Kyle reached over and grabbed Wends' hand. Causing them to turn around so they were facing the same direction as he was, Kyle pressed their hand to his left leg. Wends playfully rolled their eyes but felt Kyle's leg too.
"You both did a good job--except for the chemical burn." They teased.
"Ha-ha," Kyle replied dryly. He sighed. "Actually, um, Wends, I want to apologize. I think face shaving is a bit more...tactical, but shaving your legs is still a pain in the ass."
"Agreed!" Stan proclaimed. "Why the fuck do you even bother to do it? I don't think Kyle or me would care if you never shaved them again, if that's why!"
A wide smile spread across Wends face. "Five words, boys: Smooth legs and satin sheets."