Chapter Text
[Private Chat: Unknown & Hoseok]
Hoseok: ur the hottest person on earth
Hoseok: i want you so bad
Hoseok: kiss me tonight
Hoseok: i want to make you come
Hoseok: xoxo your one true love
Unknown: Excuse you?
Unknown: Who are you?
Hoseok: oh
Hoseok: eh
Hoseok: no one, bye!!!
Hoseok: wrong number sry!!
Unknown: You texted the wrong number five times in a row? Really? How is that possible?
Unknown: Must be a record or something.
Hoseok: yes i did, sir!! tnx for noticing!!
Hoseok: or wait
Hoseok: ur so hot, can we kiss?? <33
Unknown: You're bipolar or something?
Unknown: What's going on here?
Hoseok: no wth !?
Hoseok: i just realized that ur rly hot !!
Hoseok: gjgs
Unknown: What?
Hoseok: sry my fingers slipped when i tried to take the screen shot
Unknown: Wait. Are you taking a screen shot of what I'm writing?
Hoseok: oh
Hoseok: no, i mean!!
Hoseok: i don't*!
Hoseok: i meant that my fingers slipped bc i'm so excited to chat with u, u devilishly handsome stranger-you!!
Unknown: Nice save. Really.
Unknown: Anyways, I need to go now.
Hoseok: no wait!!
Hoseok: "i'm gay and good, why don't we go out for food"
Hoseok: ??
Hoseok: hello??
Hoseok: u still there!?
Unknown: Was that supposed to rhyme? Because it didn't.
Hoseok: it didn't??
Hoseok: wait
Hoseok: that's not the point !!
Hoseok: what do u say? <3
Unknown: I'm a lesbian girl, sorry. I don't want to go out with you.
Unknown: If I were a gay man maybe.
Hoseok: wait WHAT
Hoseok: ur a GIRL!??!
Hoseok: ur a lesbian!?
Hoseok: WHY
Weird-Lesbian??: You're against lesbians or something?
Weird-Lesbian??: How rude. I'll let my really butch girlfriend know about that the moment she gets home from work.
Hoseok: wait
Hoseok: U HAVE A GF!??!?!
Weird-Lesbian??: A lesbian gf. *shrugs*
Hoseok: but
Hoseok: but we searched u up
Hoseok: ur supposed to be a 24 y/o gay man living in a rly expensive apartment
Hoseok: chim chim and i checked the number twice
Hoseok: wait
Hoseok: did u kill the gay man and steal his phone, miss lesbian butch!?!?!
Weird-Lesbian??: You're a stalker?
Hoseok: ptthhhchh
Hoseok: no??
Hoseok: but answer the question now pls!!
Hoseok: are u mr gay 24 in an expensive apartment or not??
Weird-Lesbian??: What's a 'chim chim'? Is it your pet monkey or something?
Hoseok: WHAT
Hoseok: OMG
Hoseok: RUDE !!
Hoseok: chim chim tells me to tell u that ur a douchebag !!
Weird-Lesbian??: I didn't know monkeys could talk?
Hoseok: OMG
Hoseok: E V I L
Weird-Lesbian??: How did you find out about my name?
Hoseok: GASP
Weird-Lesbian??: Okay, I'm kidding.
Weird-Lesbian??: But I really need to go now, stalker-creep.
Weird-Lesbian??: Don't stalk me again or I'll call security.
Hoseok: wait!
Hoseok: are u threatening me??
Hoseok: hello!??!
Weird-Lesbian??: Tell your monkey good bye from me if you'd like!
Hoseok: wait!!
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[Private Chat: Weird-Lesbian?? & Hoseok]
Hoseok: hello
Hoseok: u there
Hoseok: hello !!?!?
Weird-Lesbian??: Stop spamming me. I'm at work.
Hoseok: oh ok
Hoseok: sry
Hoseok: wait
Hoseok: u answered!!!
Hoseok: what do u work with??
Hoseok: since ur filthy rich, are u a drug dealer??
Hoseok: or drug lord or whatever it's called nowadays
Weird-Lesbian??: First of all, me telling you that I'm at work basically means "stop texting me", and secondly what I work with is not your business now, is it?
Hoseok: omg
Hoseok: chimmy was right
Hoseok: ur so rude!!
Weird-Lesbian??: Thanks. I get called that a lot. Couldn't care less.
Weird-Lesbian??: Now please stop bothering me, stalker.
Hoseok: i'm not a stalker !!
Hoseok: i don't even know ur name lol??
Weird-Lesbian??: What? What type of bad web site allows you to know a person's location and age but not their name?
Hoseok: actually i don't know, kookie was the one that told me everything
Hoseok: and the website is secret
Hoseok: (kookie said i couldn't tell anyone about it sry, hobi never breaks promises)
Weird-Lesbian??: What's a 'Hobi'?
Weird-Lesbian??: Something from The Hobbit?
Hoseok: omg wtf??
Hoseok: it's my NAME!
Weird-Lesbian??: Your name's 'Hobi'?
Weird-Lesbian??: What's your brother's name? Gandalf?
Hoseok: omg wtH!!
Hoseok: and i don't have a brother
Hoseok: i have an older sister lol
Weird-Lesbian??: Oh, Arwen?
Hoseok: >:((
Weird-Lesbian??: And what's a Kookie? You never learned how to spell to Cookie?
Hoseok: omg
Hoseok: u know what?
Hoseok: i think ur the RUDEST and MEANEST person i've EVER chatted with!
Hoseok: GOOD BYE
Hoseok: BITCH
Weird-Lesbian??: I'm so flattered by your kind words, Frodo.
Weird-Lesbian??: But you should probably run now. Butch girlfriend just came home.
Hoseok: !?!??
Hoseok: ur saruman!!
Hoseok: no, ur all the orcs!!!
Weird-Lesbian??: Sigh. I should really block your number now.
Hoseok: no!!
Hoseok: no don't!!
Hoseok: first u need to prove that ur rly a lesbian girl
Hoseok: bc i'm pretty sure ur a gay man living on ur own
Hoseok: bc if kookie says so that's how it is, end of story amen
Weird-Lesbian??: Okay, who is this 'Kookie'? Is it your reverend or something?
Hoseok: send me a pic!!
Weird-Lesbian??: You want a picture of me and my lesbian girlfriend kissing? Sorry, I don't support kinky creeps.
Hoseok: arghh
Hoseok: that's not what i MEANT
Hoseok: your GF doesn't EXICST
Weird-Lesbian??: Whoa, that was really mean?
Weird-Lesbian??: You don't approve of Gertrud?
Hoseok: ptttth
Hoseok: her name's gertrud??
Hoseok: she's 80 or something!!??
Hoseok: disgusting!!
Hoseok: i told chim chim and he nearly puked on me, lol!!
Hoseok: hello??
Hoseok: did u leave??
Weird-Lesbian??: I'm seconds away from blocking your number.
Weird-Lesbian??: Don't text me again.
Weird-Lesbian??: I have work to do.
Hoseok: no!
Hoseok: wth??
Hoseok: ur not scaring me!!
Weird-Lesbian??: No?
Weird-Lesbian??: Have any last words before delete your contact?
Hoseok: wait
Hoseok: u added me as a contact?!!?!?
Hoseok: under what name? <33
Weird-Lesbian??: Hobbit Hobi
Hoseok: WHAT
Hoseok: omg wth??
Hoseok: well, uh, ur 'EVIL SARUMAN' in my contact !!
Evil Saruman: Why do I feel like you just added me under that name?
Evil Saruman: I bet I was 'sexy gay' before or something.
Hoseok: what, no!?! u were 'weird-lesbian??'
Hoseok: but u rly are a gay man then!??
Hoseok: like, a REAL ALIVE homosexual male!?
Evil Saruman: I thought I told you no?
Evil Saruman: And why would it what I say matter anyway? I thought you trusted Kookie's words?
Hoseok: well okay pls don't think i'm an idiot or something now but kookie actually just told me that tae had found a random nr that they told me to text
Hoseok: they fooled me into thinking i sexted a hot 24 y/o gay!!
Evil Saruman: Sexted?
Hoseok: i meant texted* damn it!!
Hoseok: answer me saruman!!!!
Evil Saruman: Calm down, would you?
Hoseok: I'M CALM
Hoseok: fhfjk
Hoseok: he's not!
Hoseok: he's even crazier than it seems in real life hahah!
Evil Saruman: Did you become bipolar again? Speaking to yourself in third person?
Hoseok: hahaha
Hoseok: this is chim chim
Evil Saruman: Wait. Forget I said anything. I don't want to know.
Hoseok: hi! this is tae<3
Hoseok: And this is Kookie!
Hoseok: 'Sup?
Hoseok: hdhgls
Hoseok: help!!
Hoseok: they stole my phone !!
Hoseok: help me evil king!!
Hoseok: hello??
Hoseok: chim, kook and tae are gone now!!
Hoseok: did u delete my nr???