Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I looked up from my computer screen to pick up another strawberry from the bowl lying beside me. I chose one specifically red and ripe and held it in front of my face. The dim light coming from my computer in the otherwise completely black room caused strange shadows to dance across the strawberry. The side facing me was completely in shadow while the side I could barely see glimpses of were cast in light from my computer.

I set the slightly tart but still sweet fruit into my mouth. Glancing over at the clock, I saw that it was three in the morning, an ungodly hour for most everyone, including the genius that slept a few feet away.

Light-kun lay on his left side so the chain between us would remain loose. Our beds, though separate, were no more than a foot apart. I could reach over and touch Light-kun, with ease, if I wanted to. I hated myself for wanting to. I wanted to brush the hair that covered his closed eyes out of his face.

I sat, crouched on my bed, looking at Light-kun. I only had a vague idea of what the strange tingling pain of emotion in my stomach could be.

I returned to my computer with a sigh. The nights were always so long. I always felt so alone. So many times I wanted to whisper to Light-kun, my voice penetrating the heavy darkness that pressed all around me.

I turned my head, my eyes flicking over to Light-kun's closed ones. The chain between us rustled softly as Light-kun shifted.

Kira… Light, shouldn't be able to feel emotions. Almost no serial killers could. So, why did I still want watch over him? I wondered if it were possible for Light-kun to feel attachments. I wondered if all of his love for his father were as fabricated as his love for Misa. I wondered if I did see attachment from Light-kun if that would prove his innocence to me.

I didn't know why I wanted him to be innocent, anyway. I hated being wrong. But, I had wanted Light-kun to be Kira before I had known, really known him. Now, I loved the subtle eccentricities that I had learned Light-kun possessed.

How would he react if I leaned over and kissed his forehead? How would he react if I called out his name— breaking the silence that had settled over us? The silence was always around us. We had trouble talking to each other almost every day. We didn't know what was worth saying in the darkness as Light-kun prepared to sleep and I sat, looking at my laptop.

I reached to grab another strawberry only to find the bowl empty. I frowned and set it aside. I knew I should probably try to get a little sleep.

I closed my computer, the soft thwump of the laptop folding seemed much louder than it should have. The chain between Light-kun and I jingled softly. With the laptop closed, the room was a complete inky blackness.

I hugged my knees, staring ahead of me blankly, though it made no difference whether my eyes were open or closed. Even if I did get Light-kun to… to love me, he was still Kira. I knew it was an impossibility for us to be together. A criminal and a detective. It was hard enough for me to admit to myself that I liked Light-kun, but it was even harder for me to argue that he was still Kira.

The silence was so complete, I didn't think that anything could penetrate it. It was pressing into me, feeding me its darkness. I couldn't see Light-kun but I didn't have to to know he was there. I was used to the darkness. It comforted me.

All I wanted to do was to walk over and sleep next Light-kun. I always woke before him, but I somehow knew that if I did that, I wouldn't wake until Light-kun found me beside him.

I opened my mouth, ready to speak, but no noise escaped me. I laid down on the bed, my knees still curled up to my chest. I laid my head on the pillow but didn't bother getting a blanket. I was on my right side, facing Light-kun.

Did he know? Did he know how I felt? Did he care?

I closed my eyes, my heart throbbing with the despairing questions ricocheting through my mind. My heart, so devoid of emotion for my whole life, yearned to know how Light-kun felt. I yearned to know.

*

I awoke to see the faintest etching of shadows around the room. The soft early morning light seemed to barely be brushing the sea of darkness. I looked at the clock which read 5:08.

As I sat up, ready to grab my computer in a futile attempt to drown out the dark thoughts that flew through my mind. As I did, I noticed that a soft fleece blanket— black as my thoughts— was on top of me. I glanced at the faintly outlined form of Light-kun. He was facing away from me, but I couldn't tell if he was missing his blanket or not. Despite my hopes, the blanket might have been from Watari.

I stood, the soft carpet of the room tickling my feet. I walked over and peered at Light-kun. I saw a mere sheet covering his body, when I knew he had fallen asleep beneath a blanket.

Why?

I could think of little else besides that question. Did Light-kun care for me? Was this his way of showing it?

Slowly, I moved to where the blanket lay on my bed and picked it up. Gently, I laid it over Light-kun.

Before I could reach my own bed once again, I heard the rustling of the chain. I looked over to where Light-kun was to find him sitting up and staring at me, his beautiful carmel eyes peering into mine.

He said nothing. Neither of us wanted to break the silence that lay so heavily over the room. Our eyes communicated a conversation that we could never say.

Softly, with barely a movement, Light-kun shifted his weight and moved to the right of his bed. He never took his eyes off of me. A billion thoughts and questions were exchanged in a few moments. The blankets lay in a crumpled pile at the end of his bed.

I took a tentative step towards him. He waited. I moved closer. When I reached the bed, he held out his hand, offering it to me. I took his hand and lay down on the bed next to him. I curled into a ball facing Light-kun, my breath caught in my throat. His eyes seemed so kind. There was no way he could be Kira.

Gently, Light-kun grabbed my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. He pulled the blankets up and covered us both. My head rested on the edge of the pillow, mirroring Light-kun. Could this be real?

I closed my eyes, the soft sounds of our breaths were the only sounds that penetrated the dark silence.

Then, as though we were both in a trance, Light-kun leaned over and gently pressed his lips to my forehead. The warmth was so nice. I melted into his touch. I wanted to hold him. I wanted him to love me.

When he pulled away, I moved with him for a moment before noticing what I was doing and retracting my head back to my pillow.

That night, neither one of us said a word. His warmth was the best comfort I had ever felt. I loved his brain. I loved his comfort. I loved his everything. I loved my Light-kun.

*

When we awoke a few hours later, the light fully entering the room giving off the welcoming blue-ish glow of fog that covered the city for the morning.

Neither of us said a word. We had already said enough with our actions.

I went through the day in a daze. I spoke, but my voice felt foreign. All I wanted to do was hold Light-kun's warmth against me once again.

That night, when Light-kun laid down to go to sleep, I debated moving towards his bed to see if he would let me in again, but I decided to instead sit on my bed and pull out my laptop, though I never opened it. I just stared at the top of it, trying to think.

As Light-kun settled down to sleep, I noticed him staring intently at me. I thought that he would say something. I thought he would tell me how weird last night had been or… dare I hope, he would tell me to come over to his bed again.

But, the silence had overtaken us again. I thought that even if we tried to speak, no sound would escape our lips.

Light-kun stood, he walked over to where I was still crouching on my bed. Suddenly, I was nervous. My computer had not been opened so there was no way that I could pretend to be distracted. My only option was to look into those beautiful caramel eyes as he got closer. I felt my palms get sweaty and my heart rate begin to accelerate as Light-kun stepped closer and closer.

He climbed onto my bed, kneeling in front of me. I kept my expression as blank as I could despite the hyperactive speed at which questions were soaring through my mind.

Light-kun reached out and grabbed my left hand— the one without the chain— and held it in his right. We were bound together on both sides, one by a chain and the other by touch. I heard the soft tinkling rattle of the chain as Light-kun reached up and brushed some of my overly messy hair out of my eyes.

He leaned closer to me. His movements, tentative. Hesitant. Nervous.

I allowed myself a small smile before, in an act of impulsive desire, I leaned in and pressed my lips to Light's.

I heard the small gasp escape his lips, his eyes wide in surprise, before he leaned into my kiss. His hand moved to my hair where he pushed my head towards him. I grabbed his back and pulled him close to me. I melted into the kiss, my brain a fog of bliss.

Light's warmth surrounded me. His love. His care. I held him close to me, never wanting this moment to end.

Our tentative and scared kiss turned more passionate. We leaned into each other, impossibly trying to get closer. I hadn't realized how much I had wanted this until I finally had it.

Light-kun broke away, pressing his forehead to mine, his eyes staring directly into my own. The only sound between us was the gasping of our breaths. I pulled him close to me, my head fitting in the crook of his neck as I hugged him, trying to communicate all of my emotions.

Light-kun understood. He knew me. I knew him. We didn't need anything else. We were content in each other's arms.

We were content to love each other.

*

Light-kun had stayed beside me, always either playing with my messy hair or leaning his head against my shoulder as he watched me type away at my computer. I had grown restless as usual but I hadn't wanted Light-kun to leave me so he had stayed to watch.

At some point he had fallen asleep on my shoulder. I didn't dare move him.

Then, I felt the pressure of Light-kun's head, that I had grown so used to, leave my shoulder. I turned to look at him as he blinked bleary-eyed at me. He smiled, leaning over to kiss me gently. As he did, he closed my computer and moved it off of the bed. He rubbed my shoulder and I complied, laying down to get some much needed sleep. The clock read 4:27. I was glad Light-kun had been there to stop me from working through the night as I so often did.

Now, I was able to hold his warmth close to me as I slowly drifted off to sleep. The darkness, my comfort; my friend. The silence around us took all of our secrets and hid them away. I finally felt comforted in Light-kun's arms.

At this moment, I didn't care if Light-kun was Kira. He was mine. I was his.

I couldn't feel happier, hidden away from the world, comforted in Light-kun's grasp.

Chapter Text

L's PoV~

I sat in our room. My room.

I stared out the window as the drops of water began to drip from the sky. The dark sky crackled with low rumbling thunder.

A flash of lightning flashed across the sky, tearing a rift in the darkness of the clouds.

I closed my eyes, the dark thoughts cascading over everything. I dared to think of that night. I dared to think about if I had merely held onto the Death note a little tighter, how I might have saved him.

How I might have kept him.

I bowed my head and stood slowly. I walked out of the room, passing the slices of uneaten cake Watari had left for me. I felt the oppressive weight of the silence that followed me wherever I went. I couldn't help but miss the quiet rattle of the chain and the soft padding footsteps of Light-kun behind me.

Every night, I lay awake staring into the darkness, wondering how the lack of Light-kun's quiet breaths as he slept, could leave me feeling so empty.

I wandered up the stairs, moving as though I was wading through a never-ending pool. I opened the door to hear the dull crash of rain hitting the roof.

Slowly, I walked out into the rain. I flinched as the cool drops hit my face, but I liked the soft thumps of the water. I raised my head to look at the dark sky spreading outwards for the foreseeable eternity.

My hair fell heavily onto my face. The cool water slipped down my neck. I was comforted by the chill as my cloths began to hang thickly to my body.

I let the crash of the rain overtake my thoughts. I stared at the sky, trying to find a way to feel alive.

I wondered what I could have done differently. I wondered what I was doing wrong.

I looked over towards the door to see Light-kun.

I hated myself for still wanting to hold him. I wanted to run to him. To drag him out into the rain with me. I wanted to have him tell me everything would be okay. I wanted him to smile at me like he used to.

But none of that was possible. My Light-kun had died in that helicopter that night. My Light-kun had been killed by the Death Note.

I focused on the pattering of rain, hoping that the dull tolling of the bells would go away.

Light-kun joined me, the water quickly soaking his hair and cloths. When I looked into his eyes, dark and slanted, I knew that I was already dead. I stared out at the city before me, the water covering everything in the deep splashes of darkness.

I tried to think of all I had done. I tried to imagine my place in the world. With all the death I had seen, how long would it have been until I snapped?

I knew I wouldn't still be standing there if it weren't for Watari. Without him, I would have never met Light-Kun. I would have never met Kira. I would have never solved the hundreds of mysteries I had. I would have never even left Wammy's house.

Light-kun had moved closer to me. I wanted to brush those wet bangs out of his eyes so badly it almost hurt. I didn't know how I managed to resist. I wanted to collapse to the ground, the weight of my despair finally overcoming me.

The edge of the building looked so welcoming. But I knew that my end was coming. Every time I looked into Kira's eyes, I knew he was planning to kill me. Every time I saw Kira in place of my Light-kun, I felt my heart shattering.

I looked down at the still red circle on my wrist from where we had been chained together. I missed those times where we had held each other, alone, comforted.

I should have known it was too good to last. I should have been prepared to lose him. I had known what was coming hadn't I?

Yet, no matter how much it pained me to see Kira masquerading as Light-kun, I didn't think I could send him to his death. I couldn't bare the pain of knowing that I had killed Light-kun.

I closed my eyes, trying desperately to block out the tolling bells. I tried desperately to get the image of Kira's eyes out of my head.

A single tear slipped out of my eye, hidden in the downpour. I watched it fall down and collect in a puddle at my feet; another empty drop lost in a sea of rain.

*

I didn't feel anything.

I knew I was gone.

Watari had died.

Light-kun had died long ago.

Now, my heart was stopping.

My words were lost in silence.

The tolling bells had ceased.

I stared upwards as Kira caught me.

I wondered if Light-kun would have done this. I wondered if this was the true Light-kun or if this was Kira.

I supposed that the two were one and the same.

I let the silence encompass me. I almost felt lighter. I felt as though the painful weight of Light-kun and Kira had been lifted off of me.

I watched Kira smile above me, but it only filled me with sadness. I had nothing left.

Watari.

Light-kun.

Kira had killed them both.

Kira had won.

As I stared at Kira's sneer, I couldn't help but wish that I could kiss Light-kun one last time.

I felt my body slowing to a stop. My mind clouded over.

I closed my eyes slowly. Watching the room above me go dark. I watched Kira's malicious smile fade beneath my eyelids.

I hoped that one day, I might get to see my Light-kun again. My Light-kun without Kira.

I hoped to see the Light-kun that had grown so dear to me only to be violently ripped away.

I let the silence, think and heavy, cover me, quieting my mind and allowing me to relax into the emptiness.

Kira had won...