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As one of the undoubtedly oldest creatures currently alive, by rights, nothing should really surprise him anymore. In his many, many, many years walking the planet, Dave had seen, done and experienced things the like of which have made his collection of talking shrunken heads and undead specimens floating in jars seem as normal as grass on someone's lawn.
It occasionally still kind of weirds him out however, to know that he's dating a sentient piece of gum.
He mentions this to the autonomous piece of candy in question one dusky afternoon, and his literal sweet sugar candyman, without even looking up from another one of his creepy biology projects, simply says
“Your face is weird Dave. And don't call me that you huge dingus.”
“Would you rather I call you prince blue balls?”
The heir to the candy kingdom looks up from the slide he was examining under a microscope to glare at him. He grabs the closest thing he can reach, which is a spray bottle and aims it at Dave, spraying him twice right in the face. Dave hisses at him but otherwise doesn't do anything.
“Well I find it weird that a guy with a title as intimidating as The Vampire King is a giant whiner doofus who does nothing but write awful, dumb-ass raps in his spare time so I guess we're even.” he says, looking as haughty and asshole-ish in a way he only ever does around Dave, a fact that he should probably not find kind of endearing but does since he would and probably could not ever be as carefree and as himself around his father or all the little candy people in the kingdom that look up to him so much. To them he was Prince Poppop, named after one of the greatest, ancient candies of old, handsome prince and brilliant heir to the candy kingdom, but to Dave he was just John, full time dweeb with weird hobbies and a slight attitude problem.
In a stunning display of diplomatic maturity a king should treat another royal with, Dave crosses his arms, sticks his dark, forked tongue out and makes a noise best described as pppbbbthhhbbbbt. “Don't be hating on my rhymes just because they're sweeter than your stale bubblegum ass.”
John, the jerk that he is just rolls his eyes and goes back to examining the thingie he was examining earlier. Dave floats closer, lowering himself so that he was hovering above John's shoulder.
“What'cha looking at?”
“Casey.”
“What the fuck is a Casey.”
“Excuse you she is a microscopic lemon lizard and she's awesome.”
“Why is she microscopic?”
“I shrunk her to see if the change of size would have any significant effect on her genetic composition.”
“That's dumb.”
“Your face is dumb.”
“Bzzt! Wrong, my face is gorgeous and your sick fires are colder than a snow golem's left nut, maybe you should start hanging out with Karkat again, at this point you couldn't even diss a baby cream puff.”
“Snow Golems don't have genitals Dave.”
“Do I want to know how you know that?”
John pulls himself away from the microscope for the second time to sock Dave on the shoulder.
“Yeah I totally dated one a few years back. He was so much better in the sack than you.”
“That's not what your dad said last night.”
“Really Dave? Really?”
“Yes, I'm dumping you for your dad, we're going to elope to the Ice kingdom.”
“Oh my glob shut up you dumb nerd.” John says, powder blue face wrinkling a little as his nose scrunches up. He lays a palm on Dave's face and shoves him away but just before the top of his palm smacks into his shades, Dave sees a tiny hint of a smile on his face.
The vampire king reaches out to grab a good handful of the candy prince's hair. The blue gum is only a shade darker than John's skin and it's putty in his grip, conforming easily to the curves and shapes of the inside of his hand, leaving behind a lumpy, ugly mess when Dave lets go.
“Hey!” John exclaims, reaching up to try and fix the mess Dave made. He ends up just making it worse, pushing more gum into the lump Dave made and forming one very noticeable, misshapen blue clod on one side of his head, right next to his tiny gold crown.
“Did I get it?”
“No.”
John pouts. He actually fucking pouts, looking very put off and about as intimidating as an angry blue kitten so Dave snickers and quickly floats over to bite the ugly chunk right off of John's head. John is still pouting when he floats back to where he was and Dave stares passively at him as he chews the gum in his mouth and blows one big blue bubble out of it.
It tastes like blue berry, too sweet on his tongue. It was a thicker taste than the color red and it didn't paint the inside of his mouth blue like the dark blue candies he used to buy from shitty gumball machines when he was little, with quarters he stole from his brother's pocket. He decides he likes it better.
He goes horizontal, still floating in the air, belly down and pushes his face close to John's. Still chewing, he says. “Give me a smooch.”
“Uhh, no? I'm not going to kiss you when you're chewing on my hair, that's kind of gross.”
Instead of replying verbally, Dave just lowers his shades and makes blood red moon eyes at his boyfriend, pushing his bottom lip out and making it wobble a little. John lets out an exaggerated sigh, rolling his eyes again. He doesn't say or do anything else but when Dave pulls his face to his to press their lips together, he doesn't resist or pull away, nor does he protest when Dave licks at his bottom lip and teases his tongue with his. They kiss until Dave gets too distracted to keep floating and they keep kissing as Dave lands slowly on his feet, hands immediately coming up to grip John's hips, fingertips sneaking up under the hem of his poofy royal blue tunic.
John's hands settle on Dave's face, cradling it while his thumbs stroked Dave's cheeks once, twice and one more time before moving down slowly to his neck. They pause there long enough for John to run his fingers over the two parallel puncture scars on Dave's skin. It was the only crown he wears and John was the only person who gets to touch it. When his fingers move, Dave lifts a hand to encircle his wrist and keep them there. So John does and Dave hides a tiny smile in John's lips, one that John kisses away a second later.
They separate eventually, slowly, with a small smack. John's fingers remain on Dave's neck and Dave's hand keeps them there still. Neither of them mind. John's other hand drifts down to rest on Dave's shoulder as the vampire rests his forehead against his. His skin is cold, he smells like the color red and the taste of sugar, his sugar, lingers on John's lips from his mouth.
“Can I go back to observing Casey now?”
“Yeah sure, I'll just go mack on your Dad.”
“Can you not? Dad jokes are so not funny, and you can't make it the next funny thing from a hundred centuries ago no matter how hard you try.”
“Hey, if you don't want me laying the smooch on your old man, then you keep my lips busy.”
John huffs but his hand travels down from Dave's shoulder and around his back to wrap him up in a one armed embrace. “If it'll get you to shut your idiotic mouth then fine. Bluuuh why am I dating you.”
“Because you're a sentient piece of gum and I'm a lame vampire except I'm not but you think I am because you're a raging sugar douche bag and two weirds cancel each other out.”
John decides that that didn't make sense but he doesn't argue, just shuts Dave's idiotic mouth as promised.