Work Text:
SOMEWHERE IN WAKANDA...
“Well, this is awkward.”
“Shuri, please. A moment of levity.”
“What, bhuti? We knew our white sidekicks would have to meet sometime.”
“I’m not—“
“Oh, we’re totally their token white sidekicks. Well, maybe you are. I’m Irish and Jewish. Indigenous peoples, represent.”
“You’re under arrest—“
“Don’t think the CIA has jurisdiction here, sweetheart. And last time you “arrested” me you sent the Schutzstaffel.”
“Hiter, really? I think that’s an over-exaggeration.”
“This ain’t the internet, sweetheart, there’s no Godwin’s law, I ain’t exaggerating shit. You sent an elite German hit squad with shoot on sight orders to root out a Jew in hiding in Eastern Europe. Exaggeration my ass.”
“Our intelligence at the time—“
“Was fuckin’ wrong. You know I had to hack the GPS on my own damn phone? Read my diary just to be sure it wasn’t me in Vienna? Then you go and kidnap my ass—“
“Arrested.”
“Didn’t get any rights read to me, sweetheart. And whaddya know last I checked, American citizens have the right to an attorney.”
“Clearly you haven’t read the Patriot Act.”
“Oh, and then—and this is my favorite bit—you called in a psychologist who turned out to be not only a quack but the former head of intelligence from a Soviet block country and tried to force me to air my dirty laundry in front of the whole CIA. So much for patient confidentiality.”
“Are you done?”
“Nope.”
“Go on.”
“And then, when I was in your custody, I was kidnapped.”
“Your point?”
“My point being, wrongful arrest, wrongful imprisonment, violation of the Health Information and Patient Privacy Act, mental cruelty, assault, neglect, dereliction of duty…Everett Ross, you’ve been served.”
“And pwned.”
“Shuri, sisi, please.”
“Of course, you could always agree to sign this legally binding Non-Disclosure Agreement drawn up by my good friends at the Wakandan Embassy that you never saw me and I was never here.”
“I suppose I deserve this.”
“Pleasure doing business. Tell Uncle Theo I said ‘hi’.”
“Wouldn’t that violat—I see what you did there, Ingcuka Emhlophe. Nice!”
“Sidekick? You little shit. You said we’d go with bodyguard.”