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Javier didn’t remember the first time he had seen Yuzuru. He crept into his world quietly, without a sound, that lanky boy with blinding smile and wings on his back.
Then it was Brian’s careful eyes as he told him ‘Yuzuru Hanuy would like to train here. Are you okay with that?’
There was a pang in his chest, that well- known mixture of fear and jealousy, but Javier did his best to swallow old memories quickly, because it would be different that time, it would be different.
‘I don’t mind.’ he shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to look calm and careless, trying to pretend that his stomach didn’t twist painfully at Brian’s words.
Yuzuru was somehow everything and nothing Javier had expected.
He was a shy teenager with messy hair and confused eyes, clutching his plushies and headphones as if they were the only familiar things in that new, cold place. But there was also that intensity, hard look on his face everytime he stepped on the ice, fire in his eyes everytime he landed a jump.
He watched Javier with focus, his eyes following his every move, calculating, memorizing. ‘He looks up to you’ Brian said once and Javier looked at him with disbelief at that ridiculous sentence. Yuzuru Hanyu, a skating prodigy, would look up to him? That didn’t make any sense.
He caught a glimpse of Yuzuru, watching him carefully from the other side of the rink. Javier smiled and waved, inviting the other boy to come closer. Yuzuru looked at him with confusion before he slowly skated over, a questioning look on his face.
‘Do you want to find out who has better triple axel?’ Javier asked slowly, making sure the boy would understand.
As an answer he got the brightest smile he had seen in his life.
***
They weren’t friends, at least not in the way the world believed them to be.
They exchanged phone numbers after over a year, and only because Brian had suggested that.
They weren’t friends.
They saw each other every day. They laughed, they worked, they shared smiles and tears of frustration. Javier would put a reassuring hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder and Yuzuru would hug Javier at the end of an exhausting practice.
They never met outside the rink.
Javier had no idea what high school Yuzuru had gone to, what was his favourite dish or what kind of music he listened to.
But he knew the look on Yuzuru’s face when he tried something for the first time. He knew his smile and a little bow he would give him before leaving the rink. He knew how his hand felt when he helped him get up from the ice.
He never asked himself if it was enough.
***
Javier hated loneliness.
He hated not being surrounded by people, he hated the feeling of being left out. That was not who he was, that was against his nature. There was that longing deep inside his bones, for his family, for the comforting warmth from his childhood memories.
He was coming from the land of sun, but sometimes he felt so cold inside he wondered if there was some ice in his veins. So he smiled and joked, letting people believe that his touches and lingering hugs were just friendly gestures and not desperate attempts to feel a little bit less cold.
At first Yuzuru seemed to be as cold as the ice under their blades- solid, cool and unbreakable. Javier knew better, though, and soon he learned that Yuzuru’s smile was as warm as skin of his neck under Javier’s fingertips.
And sometimes it was enough for him not to feel like freezing.
***
There was a pattern, recurring every year. Training. Competitions. Weeks of not seeing each other, living like strangers on the opposite sides of the world. Then going back to Toronto, falling into that practiced pattern with ease, something comforting and yet a bit sad about that unchanged routine.
It made Javier wonder how his life would look like after. There were days when thought of retiring was comforting, promise of giving his tired body well- deserved rest. But then there was a competition, or just a good training, and there was a question in his head, how am I supposed to live without it?
It scared him that he didn’t know the answer.
***
It was always more intense before big competitions. Javier knew it was bound to happen, but it didn’t mean he disliked it any less. He could feel skin on his neck itching and he didn’t need to turn around to know that it was Yuzuru, staring at him with unreadable face and fire in his eyes.
Javier thought that it was easier for him, because he never really believed that he could be the best. He never had trouble with staying close to people he had to compete for world titles with. But Yuzuru had one goal, one dream he chased with all he had, and Javier sometimes wondered how much was he willing to sacrifice for that dream.
***
The last note of Man of La Mancha were drowned in a roar of the crowd. For a moment Javier couldn’t hear anything, his heartbeat loud in his ears, blood rushing in his veins. As he looked around at the people filling Gangneung Arena, a few Spanish flags catching his eye, he realized- that was it. It was over.
He suddenly felt so, so tired, and the second thought flashed through his mind- it was time to go home.
They announced his score and Javier felt as if someone took off the weight of the world from his shoulders.
He did it, he did it, he did it.
Yuzuru’s face brighten up when he walked into a green room, eyes full of pride and admiration. He got up immediately, wrapping his arms around Javier and oh, I’m gonna miss it.
‘I’m proud of you.’ he said, patting Yuzuru’s back, watching tears shining in his eyes. Yuzuru smiled and Javier’s chest was suddenly so full he had to sit down and take a deep breath, all the emotions finally catching up.
That was it, that was it, that was it.
He came in third and it tasted like victory.
Javier watched staff preparing the podium, Shoma and Yuzuru goofing off next to him and his heart swelled with pride and nostalgia. He suddenly remember first time he and Yuzuru had shared a podium together, broad smiles on their faces and hearts beating in the same rhytm. It felt like it had been just a day before, but at the same time it felt like a lifetime.
He pulled Soma and Yuzuru into a hug, a wish to share the moment with them flooding through his body. As he looked at them, two boys with so much more waiting for them, he told them. He said, in short and hushed words, that it was a privilege to share the podium with them. That he would cheer for them from the rinkside from now on.
He realized Shoma didn’t know what he was saying, but he still hoped he would get the meaning of his words somehow. But it was Yuzuru who needed to hear it, although Javier felt that a part of him had already known.
Javier needed him to know, needed him to understand, but the look of devastation on Yuzuru’s face made his heart clench painfully.
‘No.’ Yuzuru half- sobbed, his hand clutching Javier’s shirt desperately ‘I can’t, I can’t do without you.’ he hid his face in Javier’s shoulder, his body trembling with tears he couldn’t stop. Javier’s heart fluttered in his chest as he cradled Yuzuru’s neck, pulling him even closer.
‘It’s okay.’ he murmured in an attempt to soothe him, and Yuzuru pulled back, wiping his tears and trying his best to smile. ‘Stay strong.’ Javier added quietly, vaguely thinking that he could take that advise too.
‘You are so bad.’ Yuzuru said, a shaky smile on his lips, and Javier nodded shortly, his chest feeling incredibly tight.
Javier knew what Yuzuru meant by that. He would miss him too.
He gave him one last bow before he skated to the podium, taking a deep breath before stepping on it. He looked at the cheering crowd around him, soft smile growing on his lips.
Somewhere there were his parents, his mother probably crying with pride and happiness.
Somewhere there was his sister, who had given up her dream for him.
There was Brian and Tracy, and all the people he would be nothing without.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deepy, taking in the atmosphere of an olympic rink.
One last time.
***
They weren’t friends.
They were less and so much more than that.
They never talked about that, they didn’t have to. The world had its own opinion, something simple to name, something easy to explain.
The world didn’t know shit.
Javier and Yuzuru, they couldn’t be labeled. They were two boys, walking the same path for a very long time; they were two men who reached a crossroad and had to part ways.
Javier smiled and pulled Yuzuru into a quick hug, familiar warmth of his body seeping into his skin.
He was grateful.
And they would be okay.