Chapter Text
whineZeller AT 9 AM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY
whineZeller: I’M COVERED IN BEEEEES.
whineZeller: Don’t worry.
whineZeller: Bee happy.
thePriceisright AT 9:05 AM responded to the memo.
thePriceisright: Too soon.
crawDad AT 9:06 AM responded to the memo.
crawDad: Goddamnit.
crawDad: Stop making me laugh in front of the local police.
whineZeller: La dee dee, one two three
thePriceisright: Noooooo.
whineZeller: Eric the half a bee
thePriceisright: If you need me I will be hiding your lunch somewhere in the morgue. We’ll make a game out of it. See if you can find it.
katzouttathebag AT 1:02 PM responded to the memo.
katzouttathebag: You assholes.
katzouttathebag: Why the hell was there a baloney sandwich inside my hypothermia victim?
whineZeller: Hey!
thePriceisright: Well, I didn’t want the sandwich to get all luke-warm.
crawDad: Both of you. My office, now.
whineZeller AT 11:18 PM responded to the memo.
whineZeller: Sugar sugar
whineZeller: Doot-da-doot-doo-doo-doo
whineZeller: Oh, honey honey
thePriceisright: GOD
thePriceisright: DAMN IT, Zeller.
whineZeller: I could sing the Beetles instead.
thePriceisright: kjshfiu;ibv
thePriceisright AT 2:45PM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY
thePriceisright: Welcome to the Semi-Ironic Morgue Playlist Request list! Leave your preferred tunes below and we will try to accommodate all your dead people and terrible music needs.
goreMet AT 2:45:03 PM responded to the memo.
goreMet: Psycho Killer
BloominOnion AT 2:45:06 PM responded to the memo.
BloominOnion: Psycho Killer
whineZeller AT 2:45:10 PM responded to the memo.
whineZeller: Psycho Killer
katzouttathebag AT 2:45:18 PM responded to the memo.
katzouttathebag: Psycho Killer
xxxphile AT 2:45:20 PM responded to the memo.
xxxphile: Psycho Killer
xxxphile: Oh.
xxxphile: Damn it.
grahamCracker AT 2:57 PM responded to the memo.
grahamCracker: Etude for Hannibal Fucking Lecter Fucking Eats People You Dickfucks.
goreMet: *sigh*
thePriceisright banned grahamCracker from responding to memo.
crawDad AT 4:32 PM responded to the memo.
crawDad: Dancing Queen.
whineZeller AT 12:45 AM opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY
whineZeller: Uh.
whineZeller: So.
whineZeller: Does anybody mind if we talk about Bee Lady for a minute?
whineZeller: Beecause wow.
katzouttathebag AT 12:46 AM responded to the memo.
katzouttathebag: What happened? What’d I miss?
whineZeller: Well, like,
whineZeller: We totally track down this New Agey acupuncturist bee keeper chick and start asking her about her patients who were found recently lobotomized.
whineZeller: Who, incidentally, are super fucking creepy. Like, I get the willies around lobotomy victims anyway (blame One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) but without eyes?
whineZeller: NNNYEH
katzouttathebag: I remember him. That was pretty cool.
whineZeller: I mean, yeah, it was, but I’m still all jim-jammy over it.
whineZeller: On the ride up me and Price were talking about, y’know, ooooh, this is cold-blooded, is this our Garrett Jacob Hobbs?
goreMet AT 12:56 AM responded to the memo.
goreMet: Excuse me.
goreMet: I do not mean to be rude, but I feel I must mention that the correct form would be “Price and I.”
whineZeller: Ugh, yeah, okay, fine.
katzouttathebag: Before we go on, why do all serial killers seem to have three names? Garrett Jacob Hobbs, John Lee Roche, John Wayne Gacy...
goreMet: Ms. Katz, hardly any of them have three names.
goreMet: And when it does occur, it is often a consequence of reporting on the events. Ostracization through enhanced specificity is crucial in these cases. But very few serial killers went by their full name before they were caught.
katzouttathebag: Um, thanks.
katzouttathebag: I guess I meant it more as a little light conversation fodder, but that is an interesting psychological trick.
goreMet: Oh.
goreMet: I apologize. I misunderstood.
goreMet: And isn't that second name from The X Files?
whineZeller: Hey.
whineZeller: Are we talking about Bee Lady or what?
katzouttathebag: Sorry.
goreMet: Pardon me.
whineZeller: Okay so we’re getting all hyped up for a major showdown
whineZeller: all Rock-Paper-Scissoring for who’s going to have to bunk with Graham in the booby hatch if things really go tits up
katzouttathebag: *cue predictable, infantile snickering over ‘scissoring’*
whineZeller: And Jack’s being all stone-faced and battle-ready
whineZeller: We roll up to the house and this woman opens the door
whineZeller: And just
whineZeller: Invites us right the fuck in
thePriceisright AT 1:00 AM responded to the memo.
thePriceisright: I remember you telling me that if you saw even a hint of antlers you were going to throw me at her and run.
whineZeller: I stand by that. It would be the right decision at the time.
thePriceisright: So we’re wandering around like idiots and Jack starts talking to this woman about her patients.
whineZeller: And as soon as we sit down she starts
whineZeller: confessing
whineZeller: being all like “oh yeah I totally stuck a needle in those dudes”
thePriceisright: “im a healer”
katzouttathebag: What the shit.
katzouttathebag: I am so mad I missed this.
katzouttathebag: This sounds hilarious.
whineZeller: “gave him a head fulla bees”
whineZeller: As if that’s actually something helpful for her “patients”?
thePriceisright: Jack’s like, “did you try the honey?”
thePriceisright: And she says oh no I couldn’t bear it
thePriceisright: or something
katzouttathebag: Damn. Cannibal Rumpus Asshole Factory might have had its first legitimate semi-cannibal.
katzouttathebag: Well, besides Will.
katzouttathebag: Although is it really cannibalism if you’re eating something foreign to a human body that just
katzouttathebag: uh
katzouttathebag: incubated I guess
katzouttathebag: inside it?
goreMet: Brings new meaning to the term Dutch oven.
thePriceisright: lol
whineZeller: BUT ANYWAY
whineZeller: Price and I are sitting on this ugly couch
whineZeller: Flicking our eyes between her and Crawford
whineZeller: Her all smilin’ at us
whineZeller: And we are. So. Confused. Shit like this just doesn’t happen, you know?
whineZeller: But the great thing is Jack’s face.
thePriceisright: I have never seen a human being so clearly express such a silent, aggressive “HMMM.”
thePriceisright: If this doesn’t earn Crawford Best Bitch Face While In the Field at the Christmas Party, I’m going to quit the agency.
crawDad AT 1:30 AM responded to the memo.
crawDad: Technically speaking anti-climax is one of the better things that can happen in these kinds of cases but I have to admit that that was pretty weird.
crawDad: Also I need to work on my poker face.
tacoBellasupreme AT 1:32 AM responded to the memo.
tacoBellasupreme: Not that this isn’t gripping
tacoBellasupreme: But Jack’s been reading this for the past half hour
tacoBellasupreme: And I need you all to wrap it up because it is getting late.
whineZeller: Yes ma’am.
goreMet: Good evening.
goreMet banned himself from responding to the memo.
katzouttathebag: One real quick thing: who’s bringing donuts tomorrow?
katzouttathebag: Not it
whineZeller: Not it
crawDad: Not it
thePriceisright: Not
thePriceisright: Damn it.
katzouttathebag: HA
katzouttathebag banned herself from responding to the memo.
thePriceisright banned himself from responding to the memo.
crawDad: Bella...
tacoBellasupreme: Come to what I meant by bed, Jack.
tacoBellasupreme: ;-*
crawDad banned himself from responding to the memo.
tacoBellasupreme banned herself from responding to the memo.
whineZeller: nnyeh
whineZeller closed memo.
whineZeller RIGHT NOW opened memo on board CANNIBAL RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY
whineZeller: This is the official “I Have An Earworm and All Must Suffer” list.
whineZeller: Submit whatever auditory shriek you can’t seem to get out of your brainpan so that the rest of us can catch it and dwell in misery.
whineZeller: Feel free to sing along. I know I will.
whineZeller: The Tide Is High
whineZeller: But I’m holding on.
whineZeller: I’m gonna be your number one!
BloominOnion RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
BloominOnion: some
whineZeller: ?
BloominOnion: BODY ONCE TOLD ME
whineZeller: THAT YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND
BloominOnion: THE WORLD WAS GOING TO ROLL ME
whineZeller: oh
xxxphile RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
xxxphile: Toxic.
xxxphile: No relation to any current, future, or past patients, I assure you.
whineZeller: Wait.
whineZeller: Is this a distant and delicate way of telling us that you got Britney through 2007?
whineZeller: Because if you did you should ‘fess up. I will buy you dinner for that.
BloominOnion: Ditto.
xxxphile: Would that I had helped Ms. Spears. I have the sense that my life would be in a much better place by now.
tacoBellasupreme RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
tacoBellasupreme: The 1812 Overture.
whineZeller: DADADADADADA-DA-DA
tacoBellasupreme: BOOM
BloominOnion: DADADADADADA-DA-DA
tacoBellasupreme: BOOM
katzouttathebag RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
katzouttathebag: In the Jungle
BloominOnion: the mighty jungle!
whineZeller: the lion sleeps
katzouttathebag: TOOOOOONIIIIIIIGHT
whineZeller: TOOOOOONIII
whineZeller: oh
tacoBellasupreme: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
katzouttathebag: The lion sleeps tooonight!
whineZeller: oooowheeeeeeeeewheemawumbaway
xxxphile: A-wheemaway, a-wheemaway?
grahamCracker RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
grahamCracker: Poison.
whineZeller: Really?
katzouttathebag: Holy shit, Graham, seriously?
grahamCracker: Yeah. Alice Cooper.
xxxphile: That’s remarkably honest of you, Mr. Graham.
grahamCracker: Excuse me?
whineZeller: Your blood. So hot.
grahamCracker: …
katzouttathebag: Your web. I’m caught!
grahamCracker: I’m not doing this. This is stupid.
whineZeller: One look
BloominOnion: Could kill
whineZeller: My pain
tacoBellasupreme: YOUR THRILLLLLLL
grahamCracker: Those aren’t even the right lyrics.
katzouttathebag: I WANNA LOVE YOU BUT I BETTER NOT TOUCH
BloominOnion: I WANNA HOLD YOU BUT MY SENSES TELL ME TO STOP
whineZeller: I WANNA KISS YOU BUT I WANT IT TOO MUCH
grahamCracker banned himself from responding to the memo.
thePriceisright RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
thePriceisright: Royals.
tacoBellasupreme: But we’ll never be ~royals~
BloominOnion: ~royals~
thePriceisright: It’s just not in our blood!
tacoBellasupreme: That kind of lux just ain’t for us.
whineZeller: We crave a different kind of buzz!
BloominOnion: Let me be your ~ruler~, ~ruler~!
tacoBellasupreme: You can call me Queen Bee!
thePriceisright: Ugh.
thePriceisright: Still too soon.
thePriceisright: Also your husband is an attempted bee-murderer.
goreMet RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
goreMet: Miss New Booty
xxxphile: Oh, dear God, Hannibal.
katzouttathebag: What, really?
goreMet: It meshes beautifully with Mozart’s 40th.
crawDad RIGHT NOW responded to the memo.
crawDad: I am not going into this meeting with The Tide Is High stuck in my head.
goreMet: Might I recommend the following?
crawDad: What the hell am I listening to
whineZeller: Oh my God.
whineZeller: Make them play this at my funeral.