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Hello, my name is, uh, Gordon Freeman. I saved...the world? So you’re welcome, I guess, for that. Anyway, I’m here today to talk about all the weapons I’ve picked up over the years, because I’ve...picked up a lot. Alyx kept asking me to talk about Black Mesa and the stuff I got up to when she wasn’t with me. Anyway, let’s talk about my weapons, and uh. If you guys like this one, I’ll talk about the things I’ve had to fight over the years, next time, if you'd like. That.
CROWBAR
Oh, I love this thing. Or...these things. You know how many Crowbars I’ve encountered? The first one was near an elevator, the next was in a big trash compactor, then Barney gave me one that might’ve been the original one? Then I found one in an elevator after a train crash. Anyway, the HEV suit made the crowbar hit way harder than I could, which was a godsend. I’ve smashed glass, crates, headcrabs, zombies, combine, antlions, soldiers, and a giant space baby with telepathic powers with this crowbar.
Uh...I’ll explain the last one later. Anyway, I love these things. They just feel GOOD, y’know? Put me in any survival situation and I’d rather have my crowbar than anything.
USP MATCH
The first time I got this, I had to club a Metrocop in the head for it. I don’t think these existed before I got put in Stasis or whatever, so it was the weirdest thing to realize that it actually fired faster the faster I pulled the trigger. Quiet, too. Back in Black Mesa, all I had was the Glock, which had two settings; shoot you once every two hours and then firing an entire clip and somehow only hitting three shots if you’re anything past ten feet away. At least this thing’s accurate? At least it doesn’t use the same bullets as the MP7, so I at least had it for backup. On that note…
MAGNUM
I realize now that I’ve only shot the magnums I’ve picked up around eighteen times altogether. I always thought “oh I’ll save it because I just made that Vort do a backflip and I may need that firepower later” or “Oof, a magnum again? Better not waste it on these Combine dudes, named after farm equipment and all, can’t be that bad”. Also it sorta hurt my ears to fire it.
MP7
This is probably the best traditional bullet weapon I’ve ever held. The fire rate and recoil are easy on the arms, the clip’s a good size, I feel like I’m hurting whatever I shoot at, and the arc on the grenades is much easier to predict. The MP5 was a confusing choice for the HECU’s general purpose firearm because it felt like I had a grenade launcher with a bicep-deadener built in. I felt it through the HEV suit, people.
SHOTGUN
I have absolutely no idea how this gun works. I’ve studied EVERY SHOTGUN I’ve picked up, and every time I realize that the loading tube shouldn’t be shooting another shell out. Maybe the combine modified it? Made a single barrel shotgun into a double barrel shotgun with whatever bullshit lets their ugly jellybean bodies fly around unaided. Anyway, this gun has felt the same every time I picked it up. It’s great for idiots who get in your face, but beyond that I’ve never held another kind of shotgun, so maybe I’ve actually been using the worst kind of shotgun in the world the whole time and everyone’s laughing at me behind my back because I’m an idiot freak bastard
okay alyx told me I was getting really negative there so I’m gonna move on
GRENADES
I’ve never had good luck with frag grenades. The military ones never seemed to explode when I needed them to, and I actually thought the Combine grenades were smoke grenades when I first picked one up. I thought I was obscuring those guys vision, not murdering them! I was...gonna murder them anyway because they were fascists trying to kill me but accidental murder always feels worse than purposeful.
I know how both feel.
CROSSBOW
In Black Mesa, I found a crowbar...harpoon gun, I guess? Other than the glock, it was the only projectile weapon that worked underwater, so I had to use it or else one of those hellsharks would’ve torn my whole torso off. Other than that, it felt pretty awful. It reloaded slowly, and while it hurt guys, it hurt them at the speed of a medieval idiot trying to fight a whole unit of marines. When i picked up the modern crowbar, I thought it’d be even worse-It just had one arrow!-until I flicked it on.
And the rebar turned orange
And I could feel the heat on my face, and the kick when I fired it
And heard the Combine Soldier squark like that bird that got hit by a baseball as I pinned his whole corpse to a damn billboard.
Alyx is telling me you guys don’t remember that because the Internet didn’t exist for twenty years.
Darn.
ROCKET LAUNCHER
Same deal with the shotgun-I’ve always used the same kind of rocket launcher. I mean, I’ve used rocket launchers, which is more than most could say. Back in Black Mesa, I had to shoot a tank once, and helicopters a TON. The issues then were mostly that I was fighting a tank and attack helicopters.
When Oddsee Delmar or whoever gave me the launcher, I expected it to go the same
THEN THE CRAB HELICOPTER SHOT MY ROCKETS DOWN WITH SUPER-PLASMA BULLETS.
Anyway I can sky write with Rocket Propelled Grenades
Also why did they take away the part where I could turn off the laser guidance? I blew up a house because I fired one on accident and didn’t realize.
AR2
…
I love this gun because it made me feel like a sci-fi hero. It shot banana clips of superheated plasma and I could fire a hyper volatile ball of energy into rooms and just let it go nuts! If you never got the chance to hold one of these, I gotta say, you should if you can find it. It doesn’t even feel like it has any recoil! Or, maybe that was the suit, because the combine grunts were never that accurate with it.
GORDON FREEMAN, SPACEMASTER!
BUGBAIT POD
I named an antlion Gordon Junior and I cried when it died fuck you nova prospekt
I liked squeezing it it was fun and the bugs were so nice
I hate the combine because they ruined the planet for twenty years but also they melted my bugpod.
GRAVITY GUN
I really, really, really wish Eli was alive. This has saved my life-and a bunch of other peoples-so many times I can’t even count. The firing mechanism has the same kick as the Tau Cannon, but the picking up part makes it SO MUCH MORE effective. That, and I don’t need to put uranium in it anymore.
Uh...Black Mesa was fucked up, just so you know. We made a Ghostbusters gun and a radiation assault rifle that both ran on fucking URANIUM .
I killed a guy with a toilet! And then I shot an entire computer console into like eight combine soldiers later.
It’s a fun thing to use but it’s heavy as hell. Alyx was barely lifting it and the HEV suit activated the same hydraulics I need for killing zombies with the crowbar whenever I used it.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed reading, this is Gordon Freeman...ending this...uh, sorta dark little storytime. I’ve killed a lot of people and that’s never gonna go away but
I JUST REMEMBERED I KILLED THREE GIANT KNIFE TENTACLES WITH A RETROROCKET
THE RETROROCKET
I KILLED GIANT KNIFE TENTACLES WITH AN ACTUAL REAL SPACE ROCKET ENGINE.