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Love is a railing at the side of a staircase. Something to hold onto when your feet is ready to take the steps.
-Things Love Cannot Do. nikka ursula (n.t)
Her mother wakes up at 1 in the morning and it’s a flurry of hugs and kisses and tears, followed by a revolving door of specialists and doctors and half a dozen tests.
By 2:30 am, Penelope is swaying unsteadily on her feet, the adrenaline high fading out and washing her in waves of exhaustion instead. She has to keep gripping the metal bar of her mami’s hospital bed, and each time feels the cold jolt of terror as she does – the bar a reminder of how close she had come to losing her.
She looks down at her mami’s face, pale in the christmas lights surrounding her bed, her eyes tired but bright as she waits for the nurse to finish drawing blood.
She must zone out because in the next moment, she feels an arm drape itself around her shoulder, Schneider drawing himself next to her.
“Hey,” he says quietly, head tipped down, cheek brushing against the top of her head. “You wanna sit down?”
She shakes her head.
“I’m fine, Schneider.”
She hears him scoff quietly.
“Really? Because I counted at least half a dozen times where I thought you were gonna pass out standing up. I mean, I guess since we’re in a hospital, it is probably the best place to pass out but –
She sighs and lets go of the bar in front of her, wraps her arm around his waist instead. Without really meaning to, she leans into him, rests her head against his chest. It’s nice.
“There. Do you feel better?”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment, then clears his throat.
“Do you?”
She does, actually. There’s something about Schneider beside her that makes her feel steady, more grounded.
Less alone.
She doesn’t say that though, because in the next moment her mother turns to look at her, reaches over and brushes her fingers down her cheek.
“Mija, go home. Rest.”
“Mami, no. I’m going to stay here with you. There are chairs over there – .” She turns and looks behind her, sees Alex and Elena curled into both of them, leaning against each, fast asleep.
“Lupita, you need to take them home and let them sleep in a bed. It will stunt Papito’s growth if he sleeps like that, and Elena’s posture is already bad enough. I will not be to blame for that.”
“Mami – .”
“Besides, you will come back in the morning with my favorite nightgown and my lipstick.” She exhales sharply and levels a critical look at her. “I cannot believe you brought me here with no lipstick.”
“Sorry, mami, I had other things on my mind when I was calling 911 because I found you passed out on the floor.” She tries to put an edge of teasing impatience in it because she thinks she’ll cry if she doesn’t and she knows that it’s ridiculous to do so, now, when everything has come through on the other side.
Her mother nods.
“I forgive you,” she says magnanimously and Penelope feels like rolling her eyes and laughing at the same time. “And now, Schneider will take you and Elena and Alex home. And then you will come back in the morning with my favorite nightgown, my lipstick, my gold necklace and my hairspray.”
“Why would Schneider take us home? We drove separately and –.” She replays her mother’s words back in her head. “Wait, why do you need your hairspray? You’re in the hospital.”
“So because I am in the hospital, I will have flat hair?” She shakes her head firmly. “Bring my round brush, too.” She reaches over and grabs Schneider’s hand. “Schneider will take you home so that I do not worry about you falling asleep at the wheel and coming back to be in that hospital bed next door. All of the doctors must focus on me.”
“And what about my car?”
Schneider squeezes her shoulder.
“I’ll bring you back in the morning, Pen.” He meets her eyes and smiles as she glances at up him. “Besides, I just finished a venti quad latte. There’s no way I’m falling asleep at the wheel. Or for the next six hours.”
Penelope sighs, then nods.
“Ok.”
Schneider draws his arm away from her and leans over her mom.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Lydia,” he says, smiling down at her.
Her mother reaches up and pulls Schneider down in a hug, and Penelope sees her whisper something in his ear before she draws back and kisses him gently on the forehead.
She sees Schneider close his eyes and let out a small puff of air as she does, and when he straightens back up she thinks the smile on his face is a little more tender, a little tremulous at the edges.
He clears his throat and points to where Alex and Elena are sleeping.
“I’ll wake them up.”
She nods, then moves to stand closer to her mami. She reaches down and brushes the hair away from her face.
“Lupe, I am ok.” She reaches up to cup Penelope’s cheek. “And now, you will go home and rest and come back in the morning with my nightgown, my lipstick, my gold necklace, my hairspray, my round brush and the makeup bag in my nightstand.”
Penelope laughs quietly and shakes her head.
“Anything else? You want me to bring your dresser, too?”
Her mom purses her lips for a moment, then shakes her head.
“No, it is too heavy, and I do not think it will fit in Schneider’s car.” She nods decisively. “But thank you, mija.”
She lifts her mom’s hand to her lips and kisses it before stepping back and letting Alex and Elena say goodnight.
She hears Schneider step behind her and lets herself lean back against him, her shoulders resting against his chest. He rests his hand on her right shoulder and squeezes it gently.
“You ok?”
She takes a deep breath and looks up at him, her neck straining a bit. She forgets how absurdly tall he is sometimes.
She presses her lips together in a firm smile.
“Of course. Everything turned out ok, right? There’s no reason to be upset any more.” She steps away from the press of his body and turns around to face him, shrugging her shoulders. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”
He furrows his brows at her but doesn’t say anything, just nods. He looks behind her to where Alex and Elena are standing, sleep still hanging loosely on their limbs.
“Alright everyone, let’s head out!” He says, whipping his hand above his head. He grins toothily at her. “I turned on the car by remote, so the seats should be nice and warm by the time we get to the parking lot.”
She rolls her eyes at that, but it turns out that heated seats are exactly what her body wants after spending hours pacing in a cold waiting room and then curled up on top of a narrow hospital bed. She thinks she falls asleep about thirty seconds after Schneider maneuvers his car out of the parking space and doesn’t wake up again until she hears him softly calling her name, his hand gently shaking her awake.
She sits up and tries to blink the sleep from her eyes.
“We’re home already?”
“Yup. Amazing how little traffic there is at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday night. Only took us half an hour to get here.”
She’s in the middle of a stretch, stopping midway to look at him.
“Half an hour? The hospital is fifteen minutes away.”
Schneider glances over at her from where he’s shaking Alex awake.
“I may have stopped by Jack in the Box and gotten caught in some weird, late-night rush.”
He nods towards the center console.
“I got you fries and a burger. Elena and Alex ate with me while you were sleeping in your mom’s room, so I figured you’d want something before you go to sleep.”
She smiles at him, touched at the quiet sort of thoughtfulness that she knows she tends to take for granted from him. She grabs the bag and hops out of the car.
“Papito, wake Elena up so Schneider doesn’t have to.”
She catches the offended look on Schneider’s face and shakes her head.
“Trust me, you don’t want to wake Elena up. She’s twice as aggressive half asleep as she is fully awake. Papito knows how duck out of the way.”
Alex nods and shakes out his arms.
“It’s a good way to practice on my footwork,” he says before walking over to the other side of the car where Elena is still sleeping.
“Wish you would’ve told me that before I woke her up in the hospital,” Schneider says, taking off his glasses and leaning towards Penelope until he’s close enough that she can see the beginnings of a bruise at the bridge of his nose.
“Oh my God, Schneider!” She reaches up and lays a hand on his cheek, moving his face closer to her so she can look at it.
He clears his throat and smiles at her.
“It’s too bad Elena isn’t really into sports,” he says, squinting at her, and some part of her pushes the word adorable to the front of her mind. “That’s some arm she’s got on her.”
“Jesus, Schneider, I’m sorry.” She suddenly notices that her hand is still on his cheek, his face close to hers. She drops her hand, wrapping both sets of fingers around the Jack in the Box bag. “We’ll put some ice on it when we get upstairs.”
He shakes his head and straightens back out, puts his glasses on as he does.
“Nah, it’ll be fine.”
“Uh, mami,” Alex calls out from the opposite side of the car. “Elena just keep trying to hit me and then going back to sleep. And I’m tired.”
“Here, I know what to do,” Schneider says, walking around the front of the car to where Alex is standing.
“Wait, Schneider – .”
But before she can finish her sentence, he ducks into the car and she prepares herself to hear the heavy thwap of Elena’s flailing arms followed by his howl of pain. When she hears neither, she walks quickly over to the other side of the car where he and Alex are.
Schneider slowly backs out of the back seat, his movements awkward. He turns and she sees that it’s because he’s carrying a sleeping Elena in his arms, his arms braced against her back and under her legs, her head resting on his shoulder.
“You don’t have to do that, Schneider.”
He shrugs, and frankly she’s surprised and more than a little impressed that the movement still seems effortless despite the weight of her sleeping fifteen year old daughter in his arms.
“This way, no one has to get punched in the face.”
She chuckles and hurries to close the doors of his Range Rover, making sure to walk in front of him so that she can open up the door to the apartment building.
It’s not until they’re walking into their apartment that Penelope hears Elena wake up.
“Schneider?” Elena says, obviously still half asleep and completely confused.
“Hey,” Schneider says quietly. Then, in a slightly louder voice. “Please don’t punch me.”
“Why would I punch you? Wait, why are you carrying me?”
Penelope turns from where she’s kissing Alex goodnight
“Because you wouldn’t wake up and we didn’t want you punching anyone.” She glances at Schneider. “Or punching anyone again.”
She walks over and puts her arm around Elena.
“C'mon, let’s get you into bed.”
Elena nods sleepily, but turns and looks at Schneider first.
“I’m sorry I punched you, Schneider.”
He shakes his head, waves his hand in her direction.
“Don’t worry about it – I barely felt it.”
She half walks, half drags Elena to bed, who seems to be falling further asleep the closer she gets to her bed. She manages to get Elena into bed and draws the covers over her, smoothing her hair back and dropping a kiss into her hairline before quietly shutting the door behind her. She leans back against it and shuts her eyes, tries to swallow the lump that’s forming in her throat. Has to try two or three times before it finally takes, then walks back down the hall to where she can hear Schneider shuffling around her kitchen.
He’s standing at the counter with her Jack in the Box fries and burger on a plate, a glass of water next to it. He squeezes siracha onto the plate but looks up when she steps into the living room.
“Hey, I –.” He stops and looks closely at her. “Are you ok?”
And she tries – she really, really tries not to cry. Because everything is fine – completely and totally and absolutely fine. Better than fine, even – her mom is going to be ok and the kids are sleeping peacefully in their bed and Schneider is standing in her kitchen with food on a plate for her and there is absolutely nothing to be upset about.
Except that she somehow can’t convince her heart of that. The minute Schneider’s question disappears into the silence of the apartment, she takes a deep, shuddering breath and folds in on herself, brings her hands up to her face and tries to muffle the sob that escapes from her throat. In the next moment, she feels Schneider’s arms wrap around her, drawing her close to him as she buries her face into his chest. One hands rubs slow circles across her back as she cries into his shirt, the other gently running down the length of her hair.
She tries to focus in on his breathing and finds that it helps, at least enough to where she can take a stuttering breath in without crying, enough where she can mumble into his now damp shirt.
“I’m sorry, I don’t –.” She swallows, the tightness in her throat making even that simple motion difficult. “I’m being stupid, right? I’m – .”
She feels his arms tighten around her, the brush of his cheek against her hair as he shakes his head.
“Not at all. You’re not being stupid at all, Penelope.”
She breathes out shakily and lifts her head from his chest, leans just enough away from him to look up at him with what she’s sure is a red face and puffy eyes. He doesn’t seem to mind, just looks down at her with tenderness and warmth. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head.
“I shouldn’t be crying now,” she says, even as a few tears leak out of the corner of her eyes.
He shakes his head.
“According to who?” He moves his hand from her hair and reaches down to wipe a tear from her cheek. “Because I’m pretty sure there aren’t any laws on when you’re allowed to cry. And even if there are, I’ll get them changed. I have really good lawyers.”
She lets out a sound that’s half chuckle, half sniffling cry.
“She’s ok though. After everything – she’s ok. We know she’s going to be just fine.” She takes a hiccuping breath in.
“We know now that she is. But, Pen, you spent nearly an entire day not knowing what was gonna happen.” He brushes the hair that’s falling into her face away from her eyes. “And you held it together for everyone else. But you don’t have to do that right now. You can just – you can just be whatever you need to be.” He lifts the corner of his mouth as he tucks another errant strand behind her ear. “It’s just me here, right? And I can take it.”
She gives him a long look, then nods; tucks her head back into his chest and tightens her arms around him.
“I"m really glad you’re here.” She sniffles, her face turned into his chest so that her words are muffled.
She feels his hand in her hair and she sighs. She can’t see him, but somehow she knows he’s smiling.
“Any time, Pen. Any and every time.”
She wakes up the next morning tangled in her sheets, the daylight straining against her curtains.
She has vague memories of Schneider making her take a few bites of her burger at the table after she'd finally been able to stop crying, then bundling her off to bed when she'd nearly fallen asleep in a pile of siracha drenched fries. She can barely remember it now, but she thinks she remembers him holding her up as they walked down the hallway to her bed, taking her socks off and tucking the blanket around her as she drifted off into sleep. It's funny how, now, can't remember details, but she can remember how she felt: warm and safe and cared for; surprised at how good Schneider was at it, a little ashamed that she seems to so constantly underestimate him.
She hopes she said thank you to him. Hopes that even if she didn't, that he knows it either way.
A peal of laughter sounds from the kitchen, loud and high in a way that can only be Elena. It's followed by a shushing sound so exaggerated that it can only be Schneider's, and she can't help the smile on her face as she imagines the two of them exchanging jabs back and forth in the kitchen.
She's not really sure why she does it -- some part of her is curious see the way Schneider interacts with Elena and Alex when she's not around, though that doesn't feel like the entire motivation. She's too tired to really take a closer look at whatever that is -- just makes sure to put her fuzzy socks on before she quietly opens the door and sneaks down the hallway.
From where she's standing, she can see Schneider in the kitchen, a dishrag draped over his shoulder as he stands at the stove while Alex is next to him, apparently attempting to make coffee. Elena is standing on the other side of the kitchen, elbows on the counter with her back to Penelope.
"So what do you guys think -- chocolate chip pancakes or peanut butter chip pancakes?" Schneider asks, holding up one bag then the other.
"Why not both?" Elena says with a grin. "We can have peanut butter cup pancakes for breakfast."
"Whaaaaaaaat!" Schneider says, sounding absurdly impressed. It makes her smile."I have never even considered that a possibility. They are really teaching you guys great stuff at that school of yours."
"Yeah," Elena drawls out. "That's what we're doing in class -- coming up with new pancake flavors."
"Seriously? What class is that? Can I join it?"
"Uh, guys?" Alex calls out from the other side of Schneider before Elena can make a snarky remark. "I'm pretty sure this is not how the coffee is supposed to look."
The wall is blocking her view, and she can't move without alerting the rest of them to the fact that she's creepily hanging out in the corner of the hallway, but she assumes that he pours out the coffee or shows it to Schneider and Elena because in the next moment, Elena pulls a face.
"Yeah, that's definitely not what it's supposed to look like."
"Nah, you've nearly got it." Shneider says. "You just need to add more sugar. Lydia puts at least two more teaspoons than you did." She hears him open a drawer. "Here. Lydia doesn't use one, but maybe a whisk will help."
There's a small pause of quiet where all she hears is the sizzle of the pancake batter, the sound of Alex whisking the coffee.
"Do you think I should wake mom up?" Elena asks after a moment.
"Let's wake her up when the pancakes are done. She stayed up a later than you guys did last night." He pauses, and Penelope can hear the sizzle of more batter hitting the griddle. "Besides, I texted Jeffrey this morning to see if Lydia was awake, and she isn't, so --."
She smiles, then walks towards where Elena is standing, making sure make her footsteps a little heavier than she normally would.
"Who's Jeffrey?" She asks, coming up behind Elena and reaching around to kiss her on the cheek.
"Hey!" Schneider says, smiling at her. "You're up!"
"The smell of peanut butter cup pancakes pulled me out of bed," she says, returning his smile as she comes around to give Alex a good morning kiss. She waits for Schneider to finish flipping the pancake he's working on before she snakes her arm around his waist. He glances down at her, a soft look in his eyes, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips.
He wraps an arm around her shoulders and tips his head against hers before meeting her eyes.
"How're you feeling this morning?"
She smiles at him.
"Much better, though I could use some pancakes and some coffee."
"Here you go, mami!" Alex says proudly, presenting her with a cup of coffee. She's not sure how it tastes, but it does look pretty similar to her mami's coffee, so Schneider's suggestion must at least be close to the mark.
"Thank you, papito." She takes a sip and reaches over to brush his cheek with her thumb. It's not quite her mami's, but it's close enough to be comforting. She turns towards Schneider. "So who's Jeffrey?"
"The nurse from last night -- after Wally's rotation ended," he says, stacking another pancake on top of the pile he's already got going. "I got his phone number so that he could text us updates. I figured we shouldn't keep your mom waiting too long for her stuff."
She smiles up at him, a feeling of tenderness lying heavy in the center of her chest as she does.
"Thanks, Schneider." She reaches over and rests her hand on his arm, catches his eye and hopes he understands just exactly what she's thanking him for -- letting her lean on him whenever she needs it, letting her fall apart when she can't hold it together any more, being the one to help her fit it all back together. Admittedly, it's a lot to put on one look and one touch, but there's something about the way his eyes soften when he looks at her that makes her think that he gets it.
She tilts her head towards the stack of pancakes on the counter.
"So, uh, how many people do you think you're feeding here? Because there's no way just the four of us are going to be able to eat that entire stack."
He scoffs and shakes his head.
"Peanut butter cup pancakes, Pen." he says, elongating the syllables. "I'm not even sure this is enough."
It does turn out to be enough -- though just barely.
"Man, those were a great idea." He turns towards Elena. "We should seriously think about opening up our own restaurant with that. Oh! No, our own food truck."
Elena rolls her eyes.
"Why would people pay for something you could just make at home for the fraction of the price?"
Schneider raises at eyebrow at her.
"Elena, you just described the entire concept of brunch -- which, I'll have you know I stood in line for for two hours last weekend."
Elena narrows her eyes at him and before she can launch into a lecture about the commidifying a concept that ultimately serves to separate social classes or something along those general lines, Penelope clears her throat.
"Alright, let's get ready to go see your abuelita." She looks at Elena and nods towards the direction of the hall with her eyebrow raised as Schneider picks up the plates and goes to the kitchen. She looks at Alex. "Papito, can you get together your abuela's favorite nightgown, her lipstick, her -- ."
"Gold necklace, her hairspray, her round brush and her travel makeup bag," he finishes up for her. "Schneider already made me get everything together earlier."
"How long were you guys awake before I got out of bed?"
"Like an hour. Schneider and Elena went to the grocery store to get stuff for breakfast and I stayed here and got abuela's stuff together." He points to an overstuffed bag on the couch. "I put in some of abuelita's favorite dresses and another necklace. You know, so she has options."
"Why didn't you go with them to the store?"
She can't imagine him wanting to stay at home while Schneider and Elena went to the grocery store. Even though it's been a year of car rides with Schneider, Alex still has a fixation with riding around in the Range Rover. She's pretty sure it's a status thing, but she also gets it after last night. They don't call it a luxury car for nothing.
Alex shrugs.
"Schneider said he didn't want you to wake up to an empty house, so he asked me to stay home. Plus, he figured I'd have a better idea of what abuelita would want at the hospital anyway. I mean, can you imagine Elena trying to pick out an outfit for abuelita?" He throws his head back and laughs. He turns and walks towards his room, still breaking out into occasional chuckles as he does.
She stares at his retreating form and shakes her head, then walks over to the kitchen sink where Schneider is scrubbing syrup and melted chocolate chips from the plates.
"Hey, we can leave those for later."
He shakes his head.
"Nah, it'll take twice as much water to get them clean then. Better to just scrub 'em clean before everything cakes on."
"And because Elena is that scary about conserving water?"
He scoffs.
"I care about the environment too, Pen." He glances behind him towards the hallway, then looks back at her. "And, yes, Elena can get a little scary when she talks about water conservation."
She grins at him, then leans back against the counter.
"You know," she says after a moment. "You were wrong."
He squints, looks up and to the left as he thinks for a moment.
"About the pancake food truck or the taco pancake? Because I still think a pancake food truck -- ."
"No, Schneider -- first of all, even I'm pretty sure there are already at least half a dozen pancake food trucks in Los Angeles." She rests her hand on his forearm. "I meant about you saying you weren't good in crisis. Because this -- ." She gestures to the dishes in his hand, the crumpled Jack in the Box bag in the trash can. "This is being pretty good in a crisis."
The corner of his mouth lifts in a grin. He looks at her and then away again in a way that's almost bashful before shrugging.
"Nah, this is all post-crisis management. You're the one who handled the crisis."
She huffs a laugh.
"I handled my mom's crisis. You handled the Penelope crisis."
He smiles at her.
"Everyone should have someone." He dries his hands off on the dishrag that's draped over his shoulder, then leans back against the sink, his arms crossed in front of him. "And your level of crisis is easy compared to any crisis I've ever had. Or, every crisis I've ever had, really. I mean, the most difficult part was getting punched in the face by Elena."
"You mean it wasn't me, crying all over you and using your shirt as my personal kleenex? Because I'm pretty sure I hugged you hard enough to at least bruise some ribs."
He looks at her, and there's a weight to his stare that she doesn't see from him very often. For some reason, it makes her want to hold her breath.
"No," he says quietly. "That part wasn't difficult at all."
His gaze is soft enough that she might call it tender, a warmth flickering just behind the lenses of his glasses that makes her want to lean in a little closer and study it.
Then, the moment passes and he smiles at her -- the same sunny, easy grin she's used to seeing from him. She thinks maybe she just imagined the entire thing. Lack of sleep does things to a person's mind.
"And that shirt's never been my favorite anyway. You just gave me a good reason to give it to Goodwill."
She rolls her eyes at him, but smiles as she does it.
"So what about you?" She asks after a moment, knocking her shoulder against him.
He shoots her a questioning look.
"What about me?"
"What happens when you're in crisis?"
He gives her a rueful smile, then shrugs.
"Well, I've had a pretty good seven year streak so far of being crisis free, so the plan is just to keep going with that." He blows out a sharp breath. "Trust me Pen, no one should have to deal with me when I'm in crisis. None of my own family ever really did."
She shakes her head firmly.
"I don't just mean that, Schneider. Although I do also mean that. But I also mean -- you know, life, whatever." She steps out in front of him so that she can look him directly, make sure that he really hears her. "Pre-crisis, crisis, post-crisis -- whatever it is, you have us, you know that right? No matter what."
He gives her a long look, then nods slowly, and there's a bewildered sort of joy in his expression that makes her throat tighten a little bit. Because the joy of knowing that you're not alone shouldn't be tempered with confusion of any kind, and she suddenly realizes that Schneider's always has been.
She reaches over and hugs him tightly, breathes in deeply as his arms immediately wrap around her.
"Everyone should have someone right? And you have me." She feels him settle his chin against the top of her head and sighs happily. She smiles at the sound. "You have all of us."
She feels him nod against her, his chin brushing against her uncombed curls.
"Well, you said it. Can't take it back now."
She laughs, then tips up her head to meet his eyes and smiles at him.
"You know, I don't ever plan to."