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A smile. Gentle, and totally void of soul.
Just smile, and no one will notice. The words froze in Yuuta's mind like a film tape someone had forgotten to rewind, and, stuck though they were, he believed in them.
Offer up a grin to the audience, no matter how badly it reeks of lies. Idols never stop smiling, no matter what.
He was on the same stage as him. He was right next to him. They were linking arms and grinning — calling out to the multitude of kids in joyous voices — as if nothing had happened. They were connected right now. Touching. They were one. They seemed the same. They were the same. Why, then, did Aniki feel so far away...? Even if Yuuta were to reach out his hand, and try to touch the back of Aniki's neck, he felt as though he might just phase straight through him. It was so strange, so oddly different from the relief and happiness Yuuta had always found blossoming in his chest when performing with him.
A part of him wanted to stop singing — "Until the morning sun takes you back, this is our time" felt bitter coming from his mouth — but he knew he had to finish, for Hime-kun and for the children, if not for Aniki. But it had always been for Aniki. Everything. "In order to avoid hurting Aniki's feelings" or "In order to make up for Aniki's actions"... All of it, all of Yuuta's life was lived in Aniki's shadow. And it was suffocating there. It always had been. Nonetheless, Yuuta always, always kept singing. His voice felt strained. In reality, it was perfectly normal.
When the music faded out and the children clapped and laughed and cried out, Yuuta grinned, some external force commanding him. Doting on the children, yelling inspiring and happy cheers, almost lifted the weight off his shoulders. It was bliss-inducing, seeing so many children make the most of their youth, and the feeling was rather unfamiliar and new. At the end of the live, when it came time for 2wink to link arms, intertwine hands, and bow (it was something that Aniki had thought up towards the beginning of their school year, and they'd been exercising the use of it after every live since then), Yuuta reached out his arm. If anything, for Yuuta it was instinct; but it was also a meaningless gesture to him, so he didn't think too much of it these days.
Aniki's arm stayed put.
Yuuta sent a surprised glare towards his brother, but before the confrontation came they were bowing separately, and the crowd began to disperse. When confrontation did come, it was quiet. Backstage, Yuuta walked over to him. fine members were now surrounding them, their postures straight and perfect, just like they were. Why weren’t they a dysfunctional family? Why was it just Aniki and him suffering?
Hime-kun was happy, and his face lit up as the temporary unit met backstage. Fushimi-senpai’s gaze was fixed intently on Aniki, although Yuuta could hardly imagine why. “Thank you so much, Yuuta, Hinata!” Hime-kun thanked them. “The two of you were super duper cool today, even up to my standards~ Ehehe~♪”
Aniki grinned mischievously, and rubbed Hime-kun’s head with affection. “Of course, of course! ☆ Nihihi, I had fun, Hime-kun! Rub rub~”
He’s so... normal. Like he doesn’t care at all.
Aniki finished responding to Hime-kun, and suddenly he and Yuuta’s eyes locked. fine exchanged awkward glances, but Yuuta couldn’t have cared less about the situation appearing awkward right then.
“...”
There was so much he wanted to say. So, so much. “Aniki, why are you always overshadowing me? Aniki, why do you always go on without my input? Aniki, why do I not matter in the grand scheme of things? Aniki, why won’t you admit how utterly replaceable I am for you?” Those thoughts and feelings that had never eluded him before, but now reached deaf ears.
Yuuta’s mouth did not move, however. No matter how much he wanted to say those hurtful things to Aniki’s face, no matter how much he wanted to get upset and scream at him like he always did, something held him back. Was it, perhaps, that thought he had earlier? I could never hate Aniki. Even so, that fact had always been true, and nothing had held him back before. Maybe it was Aniki’s reserved expression and the arm at his side after the performance. A child approached Aniki, and he grinned and began talking cheerfully to her. All of the children flooded to Aniki’s side.
Yuuta swallowed, and walked home alone.
.
Hinata’s eyes nervously averted from the children; as always, some part deep inside of him wanted to always stay by the side of Yuuta-kun. His eyes quickly glanced around the room, still crowded with guests. Gone, gone, gone... Yes, Yuuta-kun had fled from him. Hinata gave the little girl in front of him his attention and signed her notebook with a radiant grin. It really did make him happy. Helping kids truly release their youth, encouraging such happy and blissfully ignorant activities was something... very important to him. Something that no one had ever done for the likes of him and Yuuta-kun.
But content with his work though he was, something was undeniably puncturing Hinata’s heart. It hadn’t even been a day since he decided to tear himself away from Yuuta-kun, and yet the excruciating pain was already unbearable...? Ah, it was conflicting, and he would do better to have those troublesome thoughts forcibly extracted from his brain. It was true that he would bear through any pain with a smile for Yuuta-kun, but perhaps it was better if he felt no emotion at all.
For him. So he can shine brilliantly. Apart from me, like he’s always, always dreamed of.
Despite this rationalizing, Hinata found himself wishing the mob of children goodbye as he pushed through them, and escaped outside in a desperate pursuit of his twin brother. The automatic door to the toy store was scarcely fast enough for his frantic dash, but nonetheless he barely noticed. The air bit at his skin a little — it was not yet winter but its weather was creeping up, and Hinata could feel the tips of his fingers numbing a little. The air was crisp; easy to breathe in. The suddenly dry air between winter and autumn was refreshing at its start, although it was something that Hinata had more or less forced himself to enjoy. Optimism was his specialty, after all.
Soon, after being trapped with nothing but the sound of his feet hitting pavement, Hinata spotted Yuuta-kun going down the familiar path to their house. His shoulders were slumped, his hands tightly gripped the strap of that old blue bookbag, and his head was tipped down. Oh, god... he was crying? Yuuta-kun’s shoulders shuddered, and a few times his hand reached up to wipe his face — his eyes. An impulse seized Hinata to go and run to him — embrace him, apologize, reestablish their bond — but the thorns in his chest reminded him it could not be so.
How it hurt to see Yuuta-kun cry. It was the worst kind of pain in the world, so much so that getting beaten and painfully tortured would easily have been the better alternative for Hinata. And it hurt so much; it hurt so, so much to know that he had it in his power to comfort him but instead stood idly from a distance, frozen in place and telling himself that he couldn’t do it, it’s not what Yuuta-kun would want, no matter how much he longed to wipe the tears from Yuuta-kun’s face he simply couldn’t.
Yuuta-kun. He wanted to call out to him, and hold out his hand to him, to offer up a gentle smile to him, to embrace him. Yuuta-kun is the most precious treasure in the world. To see Yuuta-kun cry is to acknowledge that all good things in the world have gone.
Yuuta-kun sat down on the bench nearby him, and his bookbag’s contents spilled to the floor. Yuuta-kun did not bother cleaning the mess up. He only pulled his knees up to his chin, as those stubborn, rogue tears flowed out of his eyes.
.
Does my existence even matter? Would it make any difference if I ceased to exist? Who... I don’t know... I don’t know who I am... I’m lost. I don’t know what more to do.
.
Hinata rested his cheek hopelessly against the wall of the neighboring building, and his heart ached. Yes, he knew. It was his fault that Yuuta-kun was despairing now. It was his own fault that these despondent emotions plagued his mind.
I know. It hurts. This is the way it has to be.
.