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Jungkook took a sip of his water and worked hard not to bounce his leg. He'd outgrown the habit over the years but he felt like he was twenty-something all over again, sitting in a restaurant and waiting for Jimin to walk through the doors and sit across from him.
Jimin was late. It didn't seem like that had changed over the years.
The longer Jungkook waited, the more he questioned why he'd agreed to this at all. For closure? Curiosity maybe? About what Jimin looked like now? Who he was?
Jungkook still missed him. He'd missed him for years after their break up. But he wouldn't have agreed to this meeting even just a year ago.
Guess he was finally learning how to grow up.
He sent the approaching waiter away with a shake of his head. Maybe he'd thought that Jungkook was getting stood up. Maybe he was.
Jungkook looked up toward the door. There was still no sign of Jimin.
He moved his gaze down to the table, deciding to give up on this. He didn't know how much longer he could take sitting here, just waiting. He took a final sip of his water, got up, and started to head for the door.
It was as he was pulling at the handle that Jungkook eventually saw him. Jimin, in an elegant black coat, looking first at his watch and then at his surroundings like he was searching for someone. He didn't see Jungkook exit the restaurant and approach him slowly. Slowly, because Jungkook didn't want to scare him. Or something. He didn't know.
Jungkook cleared his throat awkwardly. Jimin looked up, the expression on his face shockingly familiar.
Jungkook blinked. Jimin hadn't gotten any taller over the years. He had tiny wrinkles around his eyes now; wrinkles that Jungkook figured were there because Jimin still liked to laugh as much as he used to. The bones in Jimin's face had grown over the years, hardened. He had a shadow but he'd shaved that morning, his beard used to grow in like that by this time of day even back then. Jungkook briefly wondered if Jimin still used the same aftershave, if he still smelled the same in the mornings.
Jungkook had gotten too caught up in the moment to properly introduce himself. Jimin had smiled as soon as he'd recognized him and for a split second, Jungkook was in love with him again. For just a split second. Jungkook was young and he was in love with Park Jimin all over again.
"Were you waiting in there?" Jimin began. "I thought you'd be out here, I figured we'd meet up before we went inside. We must have missed each other by a few minutes."
Jungkook could almost see Jimin thinking. His expressions told Jungkook what he meant to say before Jimin's lips did and that, too, appeared to still be the same. Jimin's voice was different now, something Jungkook had never heard before, but it still sounded so very very familiar.
Something painful kicked in Jungkook's chest. This meeting had definitely been a bad idea. He hadn't expected to recognize Jimin so easily.
"I didn't think you would come," Jimin continued. "I'm glad that you did. Thank you. What happened between us has haunted me," Jimin breathed in, "for years. For ages."
Jimin paused, waiting for Jungkook to say something useful. Maybe not even useful, just anything at all. Jungkook wanted to open his own damn mouth and say something too.
A thousand possible responses flew into his head. Something snarky, a little rude. Something teasing, playful. They'd played a lot while they were together, Jungkook always remembered that. Part of him wanted to tell Jimin that he was leaving and that this had been a bad idea from the beginning.
What ended up coming out of Jungkook's mouth instead made them both go quiet.
"I've missed you."
They decided to go to a food truck instead of heading back into the restaurant. The dim environment had suddenly seemed too inappropriate after what had accidentally spilled from Jungkook's mouth.
Neither of them said anything as they walked along the pavement, the silence around them heavy. The Jimin that Jungkook had known would be chatting up a storm, asking Jungkook to explain what his earlier words had meant, maybe even hiding his face after saying the words back.
Instead, Jimin's head was down. Jungkook couldn't shake the image of the tired lines he'd seen under Jimin's eyes. He wanted to ask him what was wrong, if he could do anything to make it better, but that wasn't his place anymore. At least Jungkook didn't feel entirely responsible for the look on Jimin's face. The somber expression seemed almost natural on Jimin's face, like it was there more often these days than not.
Jungkook couldn't help wondering about what'd happened in Jimin's life since the last time they'd spoken to each other. How Jimin was doing. Where he lived now, with who, if he had any pets, any hobbies. Why he'd contacted him.
Why he'd left him.
"My dad still talks about you," Jimin began. Jungkook hid his wince. "He's never going to shut up about that stupid fish you caught with your bare hands that one time."
Jungkook remembered. "I was as swift as a coursing river. With all the force of a great typhoon."
Jimin laughed to himself. "Yeah you were. Still probably are."
He swung his hair out of his eyes in time with the breeze, Jungkook watching as a loose strand caught on his eyelashes. Jungkook didn't acknowledge it, resisting the strangely familiar urge to brush the hair out of his face. Instead, he reminded himself that Jimin was a stranger now. Seven years was enough to make two people strangers and Jimin had hurt him.
Jungkook wasn't hurt anymore but it didn't change the fact that Jimin had still hurt him.
"You look good, you look healthy." Jimin was trying to inject enthusiasm into his voice.
Jungkook sighed. Stopped walking, stepped out of the way of pedestrian traffic to find a tree to lean on. Or stand under. Just a tree in general. He needed shadows.
Jimin followed him, not so much asking where they were going as he was making inquisitive sounds. Jungkook hid his smile. He didn't think he'd still find that so cute.
He turned around to face Jimin and got to the point. "I was in love with you."
Jungkook watched as Jimin deflated right in front of him, sinking behind the collar of his coat like he wanted to disappear.
"I'm not angry anymore. Just confused about why it ended. I thought we went well together. I never figured out why."
Jimin nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. "We did go good together. And I was in love with you, too."
Jungkook hid his surprise. He hadn't known that. "So why?" Jungkook wasn't in the mood to eat for once in his life. He just wanted answers.
Jimin let out a big breath. "This is going to sound like a cop out but I swear it's true. We almost went...too well together? I was always waiting for something bad to happen, for it to all fall apart for a stupid reason. But it didn't. And then I realized that I was in love with you. And..." Jimin shrugged. "It became too real. I didn't think I deserved you. I thought we were too young for it to really last, and it sucked because I really loved you."
"So your solution for your fear of us breaking up was to....break us up?"
"I know it doesn't make sense."
Jungkook crossed his arms. "No it doesn't. I was in love with you. I would have done anything to make us work."
"I know you would have – "
"I wanted to marry you some day." Jimin squeezed his eyes shut, looking pained. "I wasn't even that into kids but I knew that you wanted some. They were there, in my fantasy of us. A house, a few dozen kids and me and you. So no, Jimin, I don't understand."
He uncrossed his arms in frustration. He didn't think that whispers of his old fury would affect him to this extent but he'd been wrong. He just wanted to leave now. He walked back onto the paved path, heading for god knew where. He just wanted to be out of sight before he started crying like some kind of child.
"Jungkook wait!"
He heard footsteps running to catch up with him, but he wasn't grabbed by Jimin's hands. Jimin just kept pace beside him, struggling to seem nonchalant as he practically jogged to match Jungkook's strides.
He didn't force Jungkook to say anything or to stop. He didn't try to say anything, either. He just walked, as best he could, beside Jungkook. Until the rise of anger began to fizzle out, until Jungkook wasn't taking such big steps anymore, and until he realized...that he was lost.
Jungkook stopped walking. "Uh. I don't know where we are."
Jimin stopped too, seeming just a little bit out of breath. "I do. I can get you out of here but I don't know where you're trying to go."
Jungkook didn't know either, he'd just been walking.
Jimin continued. "I can call a taxi for you if you'd like. Or if you're still hungry, there's a restaurant around that corner over there. If you're thirsty, there's also a coffee shop nearby."
Jungkook snorted. "Still obsessed with coffee. I bet that's where you wanna go, even at this time of night."
Jimin hesitated. "I....yeah."
Jungkook took a deep breath and nodded to himself. He turned to face Jimin and finally met his eyes.
"Then that's where we'll go."
Jungkook had ordered a smoothie. Jimin was staring down at his coffee like he didn't know how to drink it. Maybe this was what he looked like now, when he was feeling uncomfortable and guilty. Jungkook didn't remember Jimin having to deal with that combination of feelings in front of him before. Maybe this was what he'd always looked like when he was uncomfortable and guilty.
"I think I get what you mean."
Jimin looked up like he was surprised to hear Jungkook speaking.
"We were young. We didn't know who we'd become over the years. Maybe we were always meant to end."
Jimin frowned, dropping his head to continue staring at his coffee.
"It wasn't my responsibility to make that decision for you. Or us. I forced the end of our relationship because I was afraid of what it would become on its own. I would have fought for us, too, until I was bloody. But I didn't want something so beautiful to become something ugly and toxic." Jimin gave a weak shrug. "I think I just wanted to feel like I was in control. I'm sorry that you were the casualty in my crusade. You didn't deserve that. I don't think I've met anyone to this day who deserved that treatment less." Jimin looked up slowly, expression all kinds of miserable. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I'm really truly sorry Jungkook."
Now Jungkook was the one ducking his head, staring hard at the pink mass that was his drink.
A few quiet moments passed before Jungkook spoke again.
"You were my first love." He looked up quickly to find Jimin's head lowering. "I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I just." He looked down again, down into his straw. The world looked condensed inside of it, like you were absolutely meant to jump down the plastic tube to get to where it was meant to take you. "I don't think I ever got to tell you how much you meant to me."
Jimin puffed out a small laugh. "You were kinda obvious about it. I saw it in your eyes every time you looked at me. It made me feel...kind of invincible."
Jungkook found himself smiling too. "I like that." He paused. "Remember the first time you took my hand in public?"
"I was petrified."
Jungkook nodded. "I know you were. I was too. But you took my hand and even though people might have seen, might have hurt us for it, you didn't let go. I was terrified but I didn't want you to let go either." He took a breath, found that it was easy to do so. He looked up. "I'm not scared to hold my boyfriends' hands anymore."
Jimin looked up too, understanding written in his features.
"So," Jungkook continued, "despite how things ended, and despite your bullshit reasons for breaking my heart, I'm grateful for the time we had together. You didn't ruin me."
Jimin stared at him for a while. Jungkook didn't break eye contact. He felt strong and capable. He didn't hate Jimin, he never would. He never did.
"I really was the biggest idiot in the world," Jimin eventually said, "for breaking up with you."
Jungkook nodded decisively. "Yeah you were."
It took a second. Maybe two. But then Jimin started to break into a huge grin, a surprised laugh eventually spilling out of him like he didn't have a hope in the world of keeping it hidden inside.
–
They ended up talking for hours. Until the cafe closed, until most establishments had closed too, both in the area and in the rest of town. They'd lost track of time catching up.
It just felt so natural. So overdue. Jungkook was genuinely curious about where Jimin was in his life now. If he was okay. He wanted him to be okay.
"Yeah," Jimin replied. "I try to date but I'm mostly focused on my work."
Jungkook nodded. "You always did work too hard." It was something Jungkook had always admired about Jimin, even if it had left him worried about Jimin's wellbeing more often than not.
"Nah, I wouldn't say that."
Jungkook snorted. "Of course you wouldn't."
Jimin scratched the back of his head self consciously. "We've said enough about me. What about you? You were texting a boyfriend earlier?"
"Yeah," Jungkook replied. "I told him I'd be back around this time, when it seemed like we were gonna talk for longer. He's the one that convinced me to meet with you, in the end. He thought it might help me. He was right."
Jungkook felt light. Unburdened.
"He sounds perfect for you."
"He kind of is. I really love him."
"I'm glad. You deserve someone who makes you happy."
You made me happy.
Jungkook didn't speak the words out loud. He didn't think that would be fair.
"You deserve to be happy, too." Jungkook meant the words.
Jimin looked down. Jungkook caught the sad smile. He didn't mention it.
"Thank you," Jimin said. "For meeting with me. For still being so...you. Good. Kind. Thank you."
Jungkook didn't reply. He didn't think he had to. And besides, the train was coming. He had to leave soon.
"Do we...hug?" Jimin asked.
"I'd like that," Jungkook replied. "You don't have to if you don't want – "
Jimin stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him. Jungkook returned the embrace, feeling tenderness bloom in his chest.
They only let go when they heard the train approaching.
"Take care of yourself, Jimin."
"You too, you little brat. I'm still older than you." Jungkook smiled. Jimin smiled back. "Tell Yugyeom he's a lucky man. And also thank you from me."
Jimin stepped back as Jungkook walked toward the train doors. This moment was strange, new for Jungkook. He didn't think he would ever be in this position with Jimin. He didn't think their confrontation would be so amicable. He didn't think he'd feel so....okay afterwards.
He was glad he'd agreed to do this.
Just before the doors closed, he replied to a waving Jimin. "I will."