Chapter Text
It’s too late. He knows there’s nothing he can do now. The crimson flames, glowing ominously in the darkness, are already large enough to hungrily lick the roofs of the buildings, spreading still further with every gust of wind. The fire flickers, catching the corner of his eye. It flares, leaps, spits angrily, devouring everything in its path. It’s hungry and indiscriminate, consuming everything it encounters, whether that be a living creature or an inanimate object. The stale odour of charred skin mixed with billowing smoke reaches him, and he wrinkles up his nose, a shiver running through his veins. Those are his people. He should have saved them. But it’s too late now. The fire crackles out showers of sparks like a fountain, the sound like static to his ears, masking the cacophony of noise that fills the streets. He shakes his head, trying to clear some of the unwanted noise. His eyes widen as he hears shouting, crying, screaming. One scream stands out above the rest, tearing through his entire body like a shard of glass, cutting him open from head to toe. Is it her? Please, gods, let it not be her. He stands still, his eyes widening and his pulse quickening, his heart thudding against his rib cage as the scream comes again. Louder this time. Desperate. Terrified. Before he can even make a conscious decision, he realises that his legs are pounding furiously on the uneven muddy track, his ears straining for more clues. Where is she? He has no idea what he will do when he gets there, just that he has to find the source of the screaming. He has to get to her. He has to save her.
********
The rhythmic pounding on the front door of his apartment, overly loud for this time in the morning but a welcome interruption all the same, startled Nyx out of his traumatic nightmare, the overwhelming tightness in his chest forcing him to gasp for breath as he readjusted to the relative safety of the bedroom. The sheets were twisted around his limbs as they were every morning these days- a result of him struggling and thrashing around in the night- and he pushed himself onto his side, peeling the covers back in a futile attempt to untangle himself. His heart still thudded in his chest and he noticed his hands trembling as he reached up to push his hair away from his clammy forehead. His cheeks were damp and streaked with tears and his body was bathed in a cold sweat, causing his pants to cling uncomfortably to his legs.
“It isn’t real. Just a dream. I’m awake now,” he muttered to himself, repeating the words over and over like a hypnotic melody, the rhythm soothing him and bringing him back to reality. He kept his eyes jammed tightly shut, face pressed into the warm pillow, until he was sure that he was truly awake, that he wouldn’t open his eyes and find himself staring at his sister’s charred body.
It was the same every night. Not exactly the same, but the nightmares always ended the same way- with Nyx searching for his sister, crying her name, watching Galahd burn. And there was no use him being in denial about it. The worst of them- the dreams of fire, daemons tearing his friends apart, his family lost to the darkness- were going to be here to stay, he was sure about that. He was just going to have to deal with it as best he could, pushing the memories to the back of his mind whenever possible so that he could attempt to get on with the rest of his life. The alcohol helped- usually- to dull the depression so that on most days he just felt sad rather than feeling the need to scream and shout and cry hysterically as he had in the initial weeks after his sister’s death. It helped him sleep, at least. These days he found he couldn’t sleep at all unless he’d had a few drinks. His thoughts just wouldn’t switch off, wouldn’t let him stop dwelling on what had happened. It replayed scenes from his nightmares over and over again as he lay there awake, staring at the ceiling. Except that they weren’t just nightmares. These things were real. They had really happened. And the nightmares were a constant reminder of the events of the past, a way of his fragile mind forcing him to relive things that he wished above all else he could forget.
There was another knock, so powerful and insistent this time that Nyx could hear the door rattle against its frame. He groaned as he pushed his body up, forcing it into a seated position in the bed, rubbing his eyes in an attempt to clear some of the hazy, disorientated feeling that still overwhelmed him. His head was pounding and his eyes stung as they adjusted to the morning light that crept in through the gaps in the blinds, filling the room with a brightness that Nyx wasn’t ready for.
“Nyx! What the fuck are you doing in there? Open the door!” Even in his tired and confused state, he recognised the voice. Libertus. But why was he so eager to talk to him? He would see him at training in a few hours anyway- surely whatever it was could wait until then! It was still far too early to be awake.
Nyx sighed in frustration and kicked off the remaining covers. Every muscle in his body ached as if he had been tossing and turning all night, which he probably had, and the dull pain that filled his head was getting worse with every movement. He dragged his uncooperative feet off the bed and got slowly to his feet, stretching his arms above his head as he did so in one final attempt to ease the tightness that spread through his entire body. His hands were still trembling- though whether it was from residual fear of the nightmare or the after effects of last night’s drinking session he wasn’t sure- and, as he gingerly took a single step towards the door, he felt so unsteady that he was forced to lean one hand against the wall for support.
“Come on, Nyx. Pull yourself together,” he muttered to himself. He knew that if he could just get another hour or so of peaceful, uninterrupted sleep, he would feel so much better. No need to skip training just because of a nightmare.
“Seriously, Nyx. Don’t make me break down the door!” The frustration in Libertus’ voice was laced with a hint of concern that Nyx rarely heard.
“Lib?” Nyx’s voice sounded hoarse and he was shocked to hear it crack slightly as he spoke. He cleared his throat. “Hang on. I’m coming.”
He removed his hand from where it still rested on the wall and forced his body to stand up straight. He took a few more steps forward before having to stop again. The room was spinning which, coupled with the shaking in his legs, made him feel like he might not make it as far as the door. A knot had formed in his stomach which was beginning to make him feel nauseous. He was desperate to sit down and close his eyes but he knew that the faster he spoke to Libertus, the faster he would be able to get rid of his friend and get back to bed. He took a few deep breaths to steady himself.
“Hey, Nyx!” It was Crowe. “Are you ok in there?” The worry in her voice sounded genuine and Nyx wondered how long they had been standing at his door trying to get him to answer. It must have been a while if they were this concerned…
“Yeah, I’m fine!” The words seemed to stick in his throat, coming out sounding tight and tense rather than bright and cheerful as he had intended.
He shuffled towards the door, quickly unbolting it and swinging it open.
“About time! We are so late for training. Again! Drautos is gonna go crazy! There’s no way he’ll let us off this time. What…?” Libertus’ words trailed off as he caught sight of Nyx, his skin pale and his eyes red and swollen. “Shit dude, you look rough!”
“Lib!” Crowe frowned slightly, digging a pointed elbow into Libertus’ ribs and making him yelp in pain.
“What?!” Libertus exclaimed, pushing her roughly away, the corners of his lips twitching into a slight smile as he did so. “He does! Sorry, dude” He turned to Nyx, gripping his shoulder tightly, the frown returning to his face when he noticed how much his friend was quivering under his hand.
“Lib’s right, Nyx. You don’t look well,” Crowe said, placing one hand comfortingly on Nyx’s arm. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m fine. It’s just...it’s nothing,” Nyx replied tersely, stepping backwards and shaking his friends off in frustration. He hated the fact that they were seeing him like this- so fragile and vulnerable. Far from the ‘hero’ that everybody expected him to be. He felt his face burning in embarrassment and looked down at the floor to hide the redness that he knew would be working its way across his cheeks, unable to meet his friends’ concerned gazes. More than anything he wanted to slam the door in their faces and climb straight back into bed, pulling the covers over his head and hiding from the world. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He needed to act like everything was normal. If he could pretend for long enough, maybe he’d actually be able to believe it himself.
He cleared his throat again and clenched his fists tightly to stop them from trembling. “What time is it? How long you been out here for, anyway?”
“It’s after 9.30 already. And we’ve been knocking for at least half an hour! Tried calling you too. We were starting to wonder if you’d died or something!” Libertus chuckled softly, stopping abruptly when he saw the miserable expression etched across Nyx’s face. “Sorry- just trying to make you smile. You know I hate to see you so down. Guess my attempt at a joke didn’t work so well…”
“It’s fine, Lib. Don’t worry about it.” Nyx tried to smile but could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes instead as he spoke.
“It’s fine. You’re fine. That’s all you keep saying, Nyx,” Crowe exclaimed, her voice firm and abrupt. “But it’s obvious you’re not. Just tell us what’s wrong!”
Nyx sighed, running his eyes across his forehead and through his hair. Libertus had known him since they were young children and Crowe- well, ever since they’d found her she had been like a little sister to the both of them. They knew him far too well. He couldn’t hide anything from them, and especially not something like this, something that was affecting him so badly.
“Look. We’re late anyway and I’m not really in the mood to be on the other end of one of Drautos’ lectures about ‘commitment and dedication to the King’ this morning,” Libertus laughed. “And anyway, you don’t look like you’re in any fit state to go anywhere.”
“No. I’m…”
“You’re fine?” Crowe cut him off mid sentence, her smirk and raised eyebrows warning him what would happen if he tried to continue. “Give it a break, Nyx. You’re not getting rid of us, right Lib?”
“Right. What sort of friends would we be if we didn’t try to help?” Libertus pushed past Nyx and carried on up the hallway without even the slightest hesitation. “Come on Crowe. You try and get him talking and I’ll make the coffee. He looks like he needs it.”
********
By the time Libertus placed a steaming cup of coffee down in front of him, Nyx had managed to calm himself down. His head still hurt like hell but the shaking in his hands had stopped and the room was no longer spinning. He felt more like himself. More able to talk without feeling like he might break down at any second. He knew if he started crying, he wouldn’t be able to stop. So he needed to make sure he didn’t start. He didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of showing his emotions- not even in front of his best friends.
“Fuck, Nyx. What happened here last night? Partying without us? This place is a mess!” Libertus exclaimed, flopping down in the chair next to him.
“Do I look like I’ve been in the mood for a party?” Nyx replied sullenly, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. He knew Libertus was just trying to help but he wasn’t sure he could deal with his friend today. He just wanted to be alone.
“Obviously not. But...you have been drinking, right?” Crowe asked, holding out the cup, taking Nyx’s hands and wrapping them around it when he didn’t move to take it himself. “Take this. It’ll help.”
The warmth of the cup felt soothing against his clammy skin and the tenderness of Crowe’s hands as they touched his own at last brought a smile to his face. He looked up to see her expression soften. Her words didn’t sound harsh and accusatory as he had expected them to be. They were kind and patient. Crowe reminded him of her sometimes- of his sister. It was the way she cared about people. The way she cared about him. The reminder wasn’t painful though- not like one of his nightmares. It was reassuring, like part of her was still with him, still by his side. Like she forgave him for not being able to save her.
“Yeah,” Nyx admitted. “I’ve...I can’t sleep unless I’ve had a drink.”
“By the number of empty bottles in the kitchen, I’m guessing we’re not just talking about one drink here,” Libertus snapped, his words laced with frustration.
“No. It’s more than one. It’s…it’s a few. It’s not what you think though, Lib. I can control it. I know what I’m doing.” Nyx winced as he listened to himself say the words he knew his friends wanted to hear. The pleading that filled his voice made him sound so unconvincing, so desperate. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to persuade- Libertus or himself. He wasn’t sure of anything any more...
“For fuck’s sake, Nyx. Do you even believe what you’re saying? You need to talk to us. You have to stop doing this to yourself. Imagine what Selena would say! She’d be ashamed of the way you’re behaving…”
“Don’t talk about her. You know nothing about what my sister would think!” Nyx exploded, leaping up from the chair in such a rush that the cup he was holding went flying, sending splashes of hot coffee all over the floor. Anger coursed through his veins and he could hear his breathing becoming more ragged, more uneven. He wanted to hit something, to punch something with full force, to scream and shout at the top of his lungs.
“Hey. Relax. This isn’t helping.” Libertus’ voice sounded muffled and distant.
“You don’t know what it’s like, living with this guilt, reliving it every single night. I should have saved her, Lib. It’s my fault that she’s dead. Don’t you see- I should have died instead of her. I don’t deserve to be the one that survived. How am I supposed to live with that?!”
The room was spinning again. He couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?
“Nyx. Calm down, Nyx. It’s going to be alright.” Crowe was standing in front of him now, her hands on his shoulders, rubbing them gently, soothing him. “Deep breaths. Come on. Look at me. Follow my breathing.”
Nyx forced his eyes to meet Crowe’s, focusing on the steady inhale and exhale of each breath. He felt his own breathing and heart rate gradually begin to match that of his friend’s, slowing down and returning to normal. His hands were clammy and, when he looked down at them, he realised that they had started shaking again.
“Shit. I’m sorry. I…” Nyx stopped and swallowed loudly, forcing the sobs that were rising in his throat back down into his chest. He couldn’t cry. Not now.
“Don’t be sorry,” Libertus muttered. “I should be the one apologising. I should never have said that about Selena.”
“You were just being honest, Lib. She would be ashamed.” Nyx slumped back down on the chair, folding his arms across his chest. “I mean...I’m ashamed of myself.” He heard cracks appearing in his voice but he wasn’t sure he cared anymore. After what had just happened, why would he be embarrassed by a few tears. He’d just had a full on panic attack for fuck’s sake! So much for hiding his emotions.
“What are you talking about, Nyx?” Crowe comforted, crouching down on the floor beside him, placing a hand on his knee and squeezing gently. “You’ve been through so much and you never talk about any of it. It’s no surprise that everything has got too much for you.”
Nyx rubbed his eyes to wipe away the tears that had begun to form.
“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted quietly. “I think I’m broken.”
“No. Don’t ever say that. You’re strong, Nyx. One of the strongest people I know, actually.” Nyx looked up again, his eyes finding Libertus’. His friend’s voice was so earnest and his eyes were sincere- he seemed like he was telling the truth. But how could he be? He wasn’t strong at all. He was weak and pathetic. What sort of person got themselves into such a mess because of a few nightmares? Libertus was wrong, Nyx was sure of it.
“Lib…”
Libertus held up a hand to silence him.
“I don’t want to hear it, Nyx. Sure, you’re having a tough time. But that doesn’t make you weak.”
“It’s true. You can get through this. Let us help. Please?” Crowe still had her hand on Nyx’s knee and it was reassuring somehow- it kept him rooted in reality, stopped his thoughts from drifting back into the past, from fixating on the horrors that threatened to overwhelm him.
He took a deep breath, straightening up and looking Crowe in the eye. Perhaps his friends were right. Maybe he could do this, sort his life out, after all. Maybe it wasn’t too late to fix this mess.
“Okay,” he breathed, relief flooding through him as soon as the word left his mouth. “But...how…?”
“Don’t worry about that right now.” Libertus smiled at him, his face softening as he put an arm around Nyx’s shoulders. “I promise we’ll find a way. Do you trust me?”
Nyx smiled back. He felt like a weight- one which had been weighing him down for so long- had been lifted and, for the first time in a very long time, he was able to see a glimmer of hope, to imagine a future in which he was able to live his life free of guilt.
“I would trust you with my life,” he said. “Both of you.”
He knew that he had a long road ahead of him, that it wouldn’t be easy, that the path would be full of ups and downs. But he was ready to try. For his sister. For his two friends. For himself.