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One day chrollo and his assholes were running around to try to find some loot. Feitan and his Sphinx were on his sides and ran ahead of him until he shouted loudly for them to stop.
“Wait, wait!” chrollo yelled and they all came to a screeching halt and looked at what chrollo was pointing at with an eager smile on his face. “We have to take her elephant!! It’ll fit in nicely in my collection between my george washington and my tina fey.”
The whole troupe stared at him and then looked at the little girl who is holding a stuffed elephant and staring up at him fearfully on the verge of tears. “noooo!” she cried, “anything but my ellie he’s all i have. hunt down my family idc but i need my fucking ellie!!!”
Shizuku tried to talk chrollo down. “do you really need this elephant boss? it’s not even a themed elephant, it’s just a normal one. we can steal one of these at walmart.” she and the troupe knew about his collection of stuffed animal elephants and he was very proud especially of his mickey mouse elephant. one time franklin asked if he could hold it and chrllo punched him in the face and started crying.
despite this still she thought it would be Good to help the little girl because one time when she was a little girl someone took her toy vacuum and easy bake oven when she was sleeping and she didn’t sleep for a week and a half. She dedicated her life to finding the person who took them and then killed them when she found them. it had been the old man next door named Netero who hoarded practical kids toys and used them around the house to cook and clean. He had been eating microwavable cakes out of her easy bake. He made her sick. She wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone no matter how stupid and weird this little girl looked.
chrollo gasped. “Shizuku! I’m ashamed to know you.”
“Yeah, I’m sure she’s the one you should be ashamed of.” the little girl quipped.
chrollo blinked at the girl and then his grin got wider and he started laughing crazily because the little girl did not sound like a little girl, she sounded like a boy using falsetto and failing miserably. “And what would you know? You’re a child.”
“Takes one to know one, fancy coat kid. I bet you killed rabbits and chinchillas to make that outfit, didn’t you?”
“I’m twenty-six, and this coat was a gift, for your information,” he said with an equally sassy tone to the little girl.
“I’m twenty-six, and this coat was a gift blah blah blah” the girl mocked, making her hand into a talking face for emphasis, and chrollo put his hand over his mouth in shock at her audacity.
“I don’t like ur attitude missy. hand over the elephant, or else i’ll have to take it from you.” he
beckoned feitan over and then giggled. “the hard way hehehe”
“Go ahead, Mr. I’m twenty-six.”
He scowled deeply, his face turning tomato red with anger and into a shriveled raisin with all those angry lines.
“Ooh, Mr. I’m twenty-six but steal elephants from little kids is angry oh my maybe I should hide,” the girl continued. “What’re you gonna do? You can silence me, but you’re never going to hide the fact that you’re nothing but a filthy -”
“Stop!” Chrollo pleaded, knowing what she’d say.
“Little.”
“No!”
“Eye thief!”
“GAH! Eye thief! Wait, eye thief? TF, I never stole any eyes.”
“u sure about that????” the little girl stuck out her lip and gave him a knowing look, before she kicked him right in the groin making him let out a high pitched shriek.
“why you little……” chrollo said, his voice still small, whiny, and high while he clutched his crotch. “Pakuuuuuuuuuuuu,,, it hurts!!!!” he whined as tears started rolling down his cheeks. Paku fell from a tree next to them with an ooof and then shrugged at him sympathetically.
“I’m sorry boss, wish i could help”
suddenly from a bush, chrollo could hear evil laughter. it was beautiful. it was melodious. it was everything he ever dreamed of.
He turned towards it, towards the angel, and there he saw him. Him? Him? Who was that?
“The chain user!” nobunaga shrieked in rage, his pointy stick out and slashing through the girl, who was now just cut wires and metal.
hah! he’d been duped! kurapika let the evil laughter grow until he was cackling. suddenly lightning striked around them as kurapika emerged from his hiding place.
“I’ve done it! i’ve done it! mwahahahahaha,” lightnnng struck again and chrollo and the troupe looked around blankly, confused. chrollo was still crying like a baby. “you little shits got nothing me. Try and beat that, hahahaha! Hahahahahaa! Oh God, I think I swallowed a bug. how do evil people do this all the time?”
“hah!” nobunaga said coming forward, “he can’t even get the laugh right. nice try asshole.”
curarpikt smirked at him, before bitch slapping the entire troupe with his chain. “sucks to suck i got this whole thing on tape. the whole world will be laughing at your idiotic, scared, crying faces. all from a little girl.”
The entire troupe gasped.
“And you know what?” he asked, before lowering his voice. “Uvo is still dead.”
Paku looked up. “what?”
Kurapika just barely noticed she was there. “wait wtf,” he said, “how the hell are you herer? I killed you too!”
the whole troupe turned to stare at pakunodss as she stood there with a bored expression. “oh my god,” bonolsemfov said, “dude you guys. Pakur did die! i remember it!!!”
“That can mean only one thing,” chrollo inhaled solemnly, before turning to Paku. “paks, you’re a clone.”
paku jsut raised an eyebrow. “if im a clone then how do you know you’re not all clones too. you don’t have to die to be a clone you know.”
Another sharp intake of breath “Paks, do you really think something as beautiful as me could ever be recreated?”
there was a big crash and then they heard “wait!!! can we clone uvo too then????” shalnark asked excitedly, there was a hole in the building behind him where he came crashing in. “by the way, i stole this lambo,” he had sunglasses on and was inside of a fancy car.
they ignored him, and Paku said “well, apparently I’m a clone so it couldn’t be too hard if they could recreate a goddess like me. you’re a peasant compared to me.”
“excuse me? I’m the boss!”
“that doesn’t make you the best, dan-dan, that just makes you the bossiest.”
tears formed in the corners of chrollie’s eyes and he bawled loudly. “waaaaaahhhh! I’m the prettiest i know i am sphinx told me soooo!”
“chrollo, sphinx has a crush on you, of course he told you so. gdi, you’re such a crybaby.”
“just because I’m not emotionally detached like you doesn’t mean I’m a crybaby, Paks, you evil bitch. you’re fired!”
Kurasnika finally started screaming loudly to get everyon’es attention. “STOP IT STOP IT THIS IS A BOUT ME FOR ONCE. I’m gonna post my video on youtube tonight and let the whole world know about chrollo’s elephant collection and how he and the rest of you idiots got wrekt by a little girl.”
chrollo clasped his hands together. “he’s fucking amazing, I love him, can I marry him?”
everyone groaned loudly. “no chrollo we have to go.” and at that chrollo whined again
“whyyyyy” but feitan was already dragging him away with machi. crurarpika was finally going to get his revenge.
he giggled gleefully rewatching the video. he’d made them finally taste defeat. and chrollo, chrollo finally tasted defeat. look at him, crying like the fucker he was. the fine shape of his jaw, the elegant curve of his lips, the shape of his eyes, and those muscles. kurapika was impressed by his own film skills. He told himself it was the best cinematic production the world would ever know.
Wait, what the fuck?
Kurapika squinted, suspiciously. hmmm, how strange. it seemed he found his enemy attracted. he’d have to strangle those feelings and put them in the unnecessary pile. he brushed off his shoulders and made a show of putting his feelings next to the growing pile of dirty laundry and trash of his room. there.
feeling deposited.
Ah, it felt good to be able to not give a shit. ooh, there’s a Taco Bell, good, he’s starved. ladidadida.
he pulled up and ordered two number fives, a number 4, three number 9s, a number 45 and a large soda and fries.
“but we don’t even have fries this is taco bell,” the employee said through the speaker. wait, wasn’t he just in his room? ehhh., whatever he’s at taco bell now. kurpaik just went with it, like the authors did.
“Excuse me? aren’t you a fast food chain. do you want me to take this to court?” curarpika said, a growl excaping his lips with anger. he was not going to have taco bell ruin the best day of his life.
“no, sir!”
“because I will.”
“we’ll get you some fries, sir,” the employee said. Kurapika vaguely heard her screaming, “hey, hop over to McDonalds and get us some fries pronto! don’t ask questions, just do it!”
when he finally had his food he went back to his dark room full of trash and dirt and sat down in front of his computer. he wolfed down the food and fries and soda, cup, wrapping paper and all in less than two seconds then burped loudly, finishing with an “ahh.”
“finally,” he said, rubbing his hands together and grinning maniacally, “it’s time.” He uploaded the video, put together a shitty thumbnail and a shitty title and revelled in the general shittiness of the video because the stupid, dirty spiders didn’t deserve nice things.
and click. he stretched, laughed his evil laugh.
“go! go, my pretty! and destroy them hahahahahah, damn it not again.” he said, coughing as another bug launched itself from his throat to his computer screen.
within twenty minutes, the video blew up. five thousand, ten thousand, twenty thousand. obviously this was because a ton of people had just watched his neopets videos and saw it in their recommended videos section and not because they wanted to see what the biggest, baddest bros were up to.
Lame Oreo aka Leorio’s username was the first to comment on his vieo. “nice bro!” was all it said and he immediately picked up the phone and grumbled angrily to himself as he punched in the numbers of leorio’s phone.
“yello! whats up kraps” leorio said into the mic.
“LEORIO. I’m pissed at you.”
“what i do?” he said, ignorantly.
“You didn’t comment on any of my neopets videos, yet you comment on this shit video of the spiders??? I mean I know its production and directing are great, because i’m great at it but still. you’re mean. my neopets videos were way better than chrollo’s stupid face.” kkurapik burped again loudly because he was still digesting his taco bell.
“Dude, don’t lie to yourself, that dude’s hot.”
“he killed my family.”
“doesn’t make him not hot.”
kurapika screamed and screamed and screamed until everyone in the neighborhood had called the police and the police were knocking on his door but he didn’t answer so they broke in
“sir what seems to be the problem?”
“my friend thinks the phantom troupe is better than my neopets videos! He didn’t even comment on the heartbreaking one where sally hippo got cancer and had to go to the hospital!!! All of her friends cried and I cried too.”
“But sir, why were you screaming?”
“what? you dictate what we can scream about now too, you useless piece of shit, get out of my house!”
“sir, this is an apartment.”
“oh, so now you’re the building police too?”
“sir.”
“go! I want to be alone,” he said, voice cracking from delirium.
“but sir”
“Leave me,” he exhaled, tearfully, falling on his couch with his arm over his eyes as he closed the blinds with his other. “I want to be alone. I want to wallow in my pity and grief and sadness. I want to be left alone with Mr. Fuzzy Twinkles,” he said, reaching for his stuffed neopet.
in a few minutes he forgot all about leorio and checked his computer again. he had lots of comments making fun of Chrollo and the Troupe and he giggled in happiness. When he refreshed the page again he gasped in horror bc Kurorororororos stupid ass face had popped up in his related videos with the username: ChrollosAGreatGuy1771. the title of the video was: “Elephants and little girls: my response to Kurapika;s hateful viddeos”
The thumbnail was of him making a “wah” face with tears rolling down his cheeks.
Kurapika’s eye twitched. the view count . . . was already twice his.
sorcery. it was rigged.
He clicked on the video, and his eyes turned scarlet at the sight of the man he depsisesd.
Chrollo was stitting there in the video with his troupe members in the background nodding and looking sympathetic at everything he said.
“And I just want everyone to know that Kurapika really stepped out of line when he made fun of my elephant collection.” His voice cracked and He choked out a sob on screen, more tears running down his stupid face and Kurapika scoffed.
“ohhh hunny don’t worry, you didn’t deserve any of this,” pakunod said patting him on the shoulder.
“I know… I know… but… He was just. So. mean!!!” Chrollo made a wah noise again then seemed to remember something and looked up at paku. “didn’t i fire you, wtf are you doing in this video. get out.” he said and paku just nodded and went back to her seat off screen. Kurapika couldn’t watch anymore so he paused it and scrolled down to the comments.
The first comment was from username: Lame Oreo.
“yeah, man, I feel you. Kurapika’s a jerk. he just doesn’t appreciate his friends or his enemies. he’s a total j-erk. #TeamChrollo.”
Kurapika growled, “LE OREO!” the building shook and a few pieces of ceiling stuff fell on him.
Thousands of miles away in a med school apartment, Le Oreo shivered. what was this killing intent he suddenly felt? maybe he should call the police?
“Sir, what seems to be the problem?” asked the operater.
“dude, i legit think there might be someone outside my window trying to kill me. like, i got these goossebomps on my skin.”
“Okay, sir, we’ll be right there.” in the window lame oreo just saw two red glowing dots and he started to shake and shiver, letting out a yelp.
In the police station, the officer yawned.
“So you goin?”
“man, no way, modern family is on. I ain’t missing this.”
“man, you’ve got your priorities straight, man, that’s why I love you, man.”
“I love you, too, man.”
Far off in the distance, Le Oreo screamed as a knife appeared in his window followed by a flash of blonde hair.
After curarpikd was done with Lame oreo he decided to make a new video. But first he looked at all the other stupid shit ChrolloIsAGreatGuy1771 had uploaded. it turned out he played minecraft and neopets too, and had the limited edition Sprinkle Puff Rainbow Unicorn neopet. Kurapika screamed when he saw that Roro’s view count was in the millions, with over two thousands comments. With his eyes bright red he angrily fished out his camera and filmed his video. He titled it: “Re: Chrollo is actually a jerk”.
“Okay, guys,” he said, his face solemn as he gazed into the camera. “I know I’m not the best person in the world. I mean, I’ve killed two people. they weren’t very good people so it’s alright, even though one of them is kind of still alive, but whatever. but I really am just a really horrible person. But you’ve got to be trippin to actually condone the behavior of ChrolloIsAGreatGuy1771, because you know what that little shithead really is? he’s a jerk, okay. A jerk. Yeah, you heard me, right. ChrolloIsAGreatGuy1771 is a jerk whose murdered, pilfered, and plundered, and worse, stole elephants from little girls. but that’s not the worst of it. no, Chrollo Lucilfer is not just a run-of-the-mill evil dude with a cool coat and stupid shoes. no, Chrollo Lucilfer is a demon. he,” Kurapika turned away, swallowed, wiped away a tear, and faced the camera again, “he took my twinkies at lunch. Okay, at lunch. I was new to the world, okay? it was my first twinkies. And he took them, and just poof, gone. I was only seventeen! but you know what? I survived, but that does not mean he should be allowed to galavant and live freely. So tonight, stand up to ChrolloIsAGreatGuy1771. Use the #ChrolloIsAJerkAndIHateHim to unite against the tyranny of Chrollo Lucilfer. I love you guys. Kurta out, see you next time.”
Kurapika got a bunch of replies in the comments with his hashtag, and he smiled smugly before returning to his evil, evil laughter. Gonald354 and theKillster aka Gon and Killua were in the top two comments among over a thousand. this was his top video to date.
Gonald354: #ChrolloIsAJerkAndIHateHim !!! Tell your friends. Great video Peeks!
theKillster: #ChrolloIsAJerkAndIHateHim you said it Peeks, I see you!
Lame Oreo: Aghhh, Kraps, you gotta help me, i’m seriously injured you jeerk
Kurpiak revelled in his victory. finally he had his friends on his side and he ignored le oreo’s comment. he deserved what was coming for him.
Two days passed, and a new video showed up in his recommended videos. It was from Chrollo the Jerk. His eyes lit up like rubies. shun the beast.
When the video started chrollie’s waterworks were already on full display. “By now you all are aware that I’m being persecuted by a man named Kurapika, who’s trying to convince you all that I’m a jerk.” he sniffled twice into the camera. “I’m here today to tell you this guy doesn’t know jack shit about me, so you can’t believe a word he says. For starters, my real name isn’t even Chrollo Lucilfer. But he didn’t know that, did he? That’s right. My real name,” he sniffled again and sobbed. “I can’t believe i’m about to reveal my true identity on camera, but Kurapika has brought me to this point of no return. My true name is… Quwrof Wrlccywrlir.” he sounded like he just gurgled tar when he said his name. “And yeah, I won’t lie, I’ve had a murder or two in my days, ok maybe more than that but who hasn’t killed a few people and stolen a few elephants? If you agree then comment ‘I’ve murdered too’! I’ve murdered too! I’ve murdered too!” the troupe started filing in in the background chanting and raising their fists in solidarity. “I’ve murdered too!” they all cheered. “And I’ve stolen elephants too!” by the end of the video chrollo’s tears were mostly dried but his eyes were still puffy. “We won’t let that jerk kurapika take away our freedom! Even if he is cute! Chrollo out.”
to Kurapikas surprise gon and killua were top in the thousands of comments under their usernames Gonald354 and theKillster. lame oreo wouldve been there too had kurapika not already taken care of him.
Gonald354: i’ve murdered too! I like the coat chrolls!
theKillster: I’ve murdered too! A lot! maybe even more than you! hehehe check out my new minecraft video link here:
Kurapika gasped from his computer. They’ve brainwashed his friends. They were taking everything away from him. Those bastards were trying to start a war. well, if it’s a war they want, it’s a war they’ll get.
“watch out, you goddamn demons, Kurapika is coming to kick your ass,” he muttered under his breath, camera stand wielded like a staff.
But first, he was going to go yell at Le Oreo for being such a bad influence on his younger friends.
“Le Oreo,” he gasped as he walked into Le Oreo’s hospital room. At his bedside, was Chrollo Lucilfer. Querod Wrtliskfmneol. Quwdof Wmfnoendokmfo. Qu - whatever. another reason to hate the jerk. Chroll was dabbing lame oreo’s forehead with a damp towel, muttering “i’ll take care of you, don’t worry, Kurpiak will pay for what he did to you.”
“Le Oreo,” Krapiak whispered, heartbroked. “What are you doing?”
“it’s not like you were here to help! wait no… you’re the jerk that did this to me!” leorio screeched but chrollo said
“shh shhh, don’t push yourself too hard. He’s not worth it.” as he laid le oreo back down gently.
“You . . . you’re the one who betrayed me.”
“I didn’t betray you. I fell in love.”
Kurapika gasped, Chrollo did too.
“With who?” chrollie asked.
“with you, dummy,” Leorio said, lovingly.
“Oh,” Chrollie replied. “That’s so sweet, Leo-poo.” Chrollo gave Kruapjikka a smug grin. Kurapika felt his heart break into tiny pieces. Oh wait, he got rid of that. nah, he was just angry. time to make a fierce exit.
Kurapika rushed out the hospital red faced. He was so pissed off he was making the same raisin face quwrof made earlier in the fic. when he got home he sat down with his camera and took a deep breath. It didn’t help because when he spoke he was yelling again.
“Ok. That’s it. I’m done with YouTube. No one can see that the guy who fucking MURDERED MY FAMILY is a jerk. I’m so done with all you idiots. First you ignore my Neopets videos and then you take his side. Bye forever, assholes. Kurta out.”
Chrollie saw the video the next morning. that was the moment he realized that, gdi, he couldn’t keep being famous on youtube without his little Pikachu. He needed to get him back on Youtube.
So, an hour later, he turned on his camera, clothed in his fluffy pink pajamas and his bunny slippers, a towel wrapped around his head after a long shower of regathering thoughts.
He put on a solemn face before he broke down crying like the two year old he is. “hey, so, I’m gonna try at least for this video not to cry too much. And - and show so-some self-control, but, oh god, I can’t. Paku, I can’t.” He buried his face in his hands.
Paku pat him on the back, a mug of hot chocolate in her hand. No matter how manyt times chrollo fired her she just kept coming back so he gave up and let her stay in the troupe.
“It’s okay, danchou. they’ll understand. he’ll understand.”
Chrollo nodded, breathing in shakily, taking the hot chocolate from her with shaking hands and sipping it. paku gave him a shocked look. that was her hot chocolate.
“And and…” he choked out, voice high and whiny. “I just really need to get this off my chest.” he made his mouth an O and took short breaths while paku patted his back.
“you can do it dan dan I belive.”
Chrollo nodded and then turned towards the camera, yelling. “I LOVE KURAPIKA KURTA EVEN THOUGHT THAT MIGHT NOT BE HIS LAST NAME WHAT THE HELL DO I CARE. I LOVE KURAPIKA WITH ALL MY TINY, WHINY HEART. AND HE LEFT ME. I CAN’T BE ON YOUTUBE WITHOUT HIM. PLEASE KURAPIKA, PLEASE COME BACK BABY. I PROMISE NOT TO MURDER YOUR FAMILY ANYMORE. I’LL DO ANYTHING. I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF LEORIO I CAN’T SPEND ONE MORE DAY AT HIS CRAPPY HOSPITAL. IT’S YOU PIKA. IF YOU’RE WATCHING THIS PLEASE COME BACK TO YOUTUBE. COME BACK TO ME. I LOVE YOU. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.”
after all that yelling he coughed a few times and then sobbed some more into paku’s boobs. after a few minutes she turned off the stream when chrollo wouldn’t stop crying. it was just getting embarrassing now.
Within two hours the video had more than 3 million views and 1 million comments.
Gonald354: someone help him! can’t you see he’s hurting??/!!! Kurpaika where are you???
theKillster: I’m calling Ellen this shit is fucking gold lol
Lame Oreo: Chrollo, baby, you don’t deserve this sort of thing! Kurapika, you jackass, either take him or let me have him.
kuraika s rage had built up so much that he destroyed the countertops and cabinets of his apartment. he even ripped off his own door. Great. now he doesn’t have a door. Nice going, peeks.
Where’s that stupid camera? Didn’t he shatter it after that last time?
Right then his cellphone rang with a number he didn’t know. he picked it up yelling “th3 fuck do you want mother fucker!”
the voice on the other end jsut said “Congratulations!!!!! You’ve been chosen to come on Ellen! Your videos have gotten so popular with your conflict with Quwrof Weddeledoo we want you to come on and share your story! You’ll get backstage passes and free Taco Bell!”
Kurpiaaak was about to scream into the phone when he stopped. “free taco bell?”
“yup.”
“deal, bitch.”
Okay, so now that he’s got that settled. what should he get for dinner? Wait a minute. When was this Ellen thing happening again?
Shit! The number, the number, where’s the number? Oh god, now he’ll never get his free taco bell. but god damnit he wanted the taco bell so bad, a string of saliva fell from his mouth just thinking about it. desperate times call for desperate measures. he went to his computer and was about to comment on Weddeledoo’s video to ask him where his free taco bell was but luckily he didn’t have to cuz the number called back.
“Yo! By the way, we might make you guys, like, kiss, is that okay with you?”
Kurapika was about to say that hell nah, that’s not fine, but then he thought about the Tac o Bell. Taco Bell bs dignity. Taco Bell won.
“Sure, sure, when is this happening?”
“Oh, at five o’clock today.”
Kurapika glanced at the clock. it was four thirty so he dropped hsi phone there and started running straight to LA even though he lived in York New.
Someone yelled, “Hey! ISn’t that Kurapika?”
“The jerk who keeps rejecting my love, Chrollo?”
Kurapika shoved them aside. “Out of my way, losers! I’m gonna get my taco bell and I’m gonna get it now!!!!!!!”
Luckily he made it just in time for the show, but he was covered in sweat from running. Just soaking wet. His shirt was completely drenched and his pants too. Like seriously, he was dripping. In salty sweat water. He didn’t give a fuck. He barged straight into the set and as soon as he saw ellen he said
“You promised me taco bell, bitch. Where is my taco bell.”
“Oh! Kurapika! Great. We’re live now. You can eat your taco bell on stage. Let me show you to your seat.” Ellen put her hand on his back to guide him to his seat but then jerked it away and said “ewww wtf that’s nasty” and shook her hand off to get Kurapika’s smelly sweat off of it. Kurapika took his seat next to Quwrof, ignoring his puppy dog eyes and his sweat seeped into his chair. right away a lady came and set 6 large plates of Taco Bell down on the table.
Ellen started welcoming everyone and loud intro music started playing as the live audience cheered. Kurapika the whole time just ignoring them shoving whole tacos into his mouth one after another. he didn’t even chew just swallowed them whole.
the crowd started cheering “Kuro - Kura ! Kuro - Kura ! Chrollo - Pika ! Chrollo - Pika!”
And Chrollo blushed with a shy smile on his face before turning to a still soaking wet kurapika and watching him shove more food in to his gullet.
“he’s so amazing,” chrollo thought, hand to his heart. “he’s so amazing and perfect. we’ll be the kings of Youtube. Together we’ll conquer the world. No, the universe. We’ll be the Space Kings.”
“Settle down, settle down everyone! We know you’re all very excited for the happy couple to come visit us.” ellen said. “now, why don’t we start with you Quwrof, as it seems our other guest is a little preoccupied. Tell us everything.” she sat forward with a grin as she laced her hands together.
“I’d be glad do, Ellen,” Quwrojfn repleid, pulling out a tissue from his pocket. “Well, we met back at a lunch hall where I stole his Twinkies. In reality, I just wanted to make him notice me.”
“You did?” Krapika asked, eyes a little warmer. But really it was just the rush from taco bell making his insides feel warm. Chrolls nodded, thinking he had the upper hand.
“Aww, so you two were love at first sight, huh? Even as kids. True puppy love.” Ellen put her hands over her chest. “My, that is just too cute! How about you Pika? How do you feel about Chrollo?
Kurpiak lifted his head mid bite of a taco then spoke with crumbs falling out of his mouth. “Welff,” he started, his mouth muffled from the food. “I fujckffing hammte d him. He murffded my fuckdfffsing family.”
“So you felt it too!!!” Ellen smiled and the audience went aww. “What we’re witnessing here today is truly special. These YouTubers were destined to be together.”
“NoofffoOO thats fff nolts thwat i said!” kurapika tried but no one could understand him with his mouth full like that.
Chrollo gave him a concerned look, placing a hand on his back even though it was disgustingly sweaty still. he actually loved the feeling of kurpiak’s sweat, the sick fuck. “you shouldn’t talk with your mouth fool. you;ll choke and die.”
“You can really tell how much he cares for Kurapika. So sweet.” Ellen said.
“wikf youjfn calre!” he shouted.
“Of course, I care,” Chrollo said, making a heart symbol with his hands. “I love my Pikachu.”
“Awww!” went the crowd.
“Ewwww,” went the Kurapika. before he started actually choking on his food when he gasped from chrollo’s sickly sweet act. He was coughing and wheezing red faced, his eyes bulging.
“Oh my god, my baby is choking!” Chrollo said, but like the uneducated idiot he is he doesn’t actually know what to do. “Kurapika, let me save you! how do i save you??”
Kurapika made a motion demonstrating the heimlich maneuver on himself, pointing to his stomach and hoping that chrollo would catch on.
“What? You want me to hug you from behind?”
Kurapika shook his head profusely, still choking like there’s no tomorrow. Which, seeing as he was choking to death, there might not be.
Chrollo stood up and hugged him from behind nonetheless, squeezing Kurapika’s stomach and lifting him up. Thankfully, it was close enough to the actual heimlich that the food caught in his throat dislodged itself and landed right on Ellen’s face.
The crowd cheered wildly, yelling “Quwrof” over and over agian.
“He’s so amazing!”
“What a dreamboat!”
As soon as Kurpaika got a hold on himself he shoved quwrof away from him, face still burning red. “You fucking dumbass how do you not even know the heimlich.”
Chrollo’s face fell at Kurapika’s reaction and he turned towards the crowd and pulled out his tissue again. sniff sniff. “see, he can be a real jerk to me sometimes. I don’t know what I ever did to him to deserve this treatment.”
The crowd booed Curarpika and then started chanting to kiss Chrollo. “kiss him! kiss him!”
Ellen wiped Kurapika’s nasty chewed taco bell off her face and remained composed. “Kurapika, he just saved your life! Aren’t you going to thank him? Look at him! He’s crying and in love with you!”
“I’m thanking him by refraining from killing him.” Kurapika said, crossing his arms and turning his face away with a hmmph.
“Kurapikaaaaa” Chrollo sobbed. “How can you be so cruel???” he fell to the floor and buried his face in his hands.
Kurapika went over to him and pulled him up by the collar until he was standing. Chrollo’s eyes lit up, but his fantasy was immediately crushed when Kurpkka slapped him in the face, his eyes widening in shock. The crowd gasped. Chrollo got real pissy and squished his mouth up into a real angry face. he then tenderly slapped kurapika back on the cheek but it was really more like a love pat because he’s a pussy who can’t actually fight.
“you call that a bitch slap?” kurapika taunted. “come on. hit me like you mean it jerk wad.” Kurapika slapped him twice across the face. one front handed and one back handed.
Chrollo slapped him again a little harder. “Now you’re getting it,” kurapika said. and they launched into a cat fight. slap slap slap slap across chrollo’s and kurapika s faces until they were batting each other’s hands like hissy cats.
the crowd started cheering again.
“Chrollo! Chrollo! Chrollo!” they chanted. “Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!”
Kurapika paused for a second in their fight. “You realize we’re literally slapping each other right now?”
“Sexual tension comes in many forms,” Ellen said, wisely.
“Kurapika,” Chrollo suddenly caught his hands. “Let’s not fight anymore.”
“Sure, then leave me alone!”
“But we’re . . . we’re Youtube Kings.”
“We’re divorced Youtube Kings, then.”
“So, you’ll come back?”
“NO! Let me rephrase that. You’re a widowed Youtube King!”
Chrollo’s eyes watered again. “You died, Kurapika?”
“What? No! Wait, if I say yes, will you let me go?”
“I will never let go, Kurapika,” he said, squeezing his hands. “I’ll hold onto you forever and ever.”
“Well, damn.”
Kurapika full of taco bell and completely done with Chrollo and Ellen and their bullshit stormed off stage and booked it straight back for YorkNew. Halfway through his run he clutched his side and fell to the ground.
“ughhh…. cramp….” he said, writhing in pain. He had eaten a lot of taco bell. after a few minutes in the fetal position he got back up and forced himself to run all the way home. His sweat had dried from the show and now had been replaced by newer, sweatier sweat. It was making him a little cold.
Anyway when he got home he almost didn’t shower but then his own stink was so bad he had to. When he was in the shower he decided he was done with this life. His friends were two faced assholes, the troupe always seemed to show up and annoy him, and even the whole nation was now on whiny crybaby chrollo’s side. He was going to pack up his things and start over somewhere else under a new name, with new hair. Maybe he’ll even get a sex change.
He packed up all his trash and dirty laundry and his computer into his suitcase and hopped on the soonest plane.
Meanwhile Chrollo’s YouTube career went downhill after the whole Ellen fiasco. The nation had wanted a kiss and they didnt’ get one. And all he could think about was how he was missing curarpikts blonde hair and cute red eyes. even when he was eating taco bell he was cute. He thought back fondly to all their times together. How magnificent he had looked from behind the bushes with the lightning crackling around them and framing his face, illuminating his red eyes. In that moment Chrollo felt like they were the only two people in the world.
One day he was sitting there crying in his panda onesie, hugging his elephants as usual when Hisoka burst into his apartment and shook his shoulders.
“hey. Hey!” Hisoka said, still shaking kurororo. “listen. I know where Kurapika is.”
That finally got chrollie’s attention. he looked up with puffy eyes pathetically at hisoka. “you do?” he croaked. “where is he??”
“On the moon. Come on, I’ll take you there.”
“the… moon?” Chrollo said but hisoka was already dragging him out the door to his spaceship. If kurapika was on the moon chrollo would go there without a second thought.
Chrollo and HIsoka blasted off into space headed straight for the moon. When they got to the moon Hisoka landed inside of a big plastic air bubble with a mansion and a whole town inside it.
“Woow!” Chrollo said. “Kurapika lives here??” He started getting really excited to see his one true lover again on the moon.
Hisoka didn’t say anything and he just helped Chrollo out of the spaceship and led him towards the mansion. When they got inside there was no Kurapika in sight, but Illumi was waiting while holding a bottle and a fresh onesie.
“I’m so happy our little baby finally arrived!” Illumi said, squeezing Chrollo’s cheek. “Are you hungry? I prepared this nice bottle for you!”
“Illumi what the eff are you talking about. where is kurpiak.” Chrollo said.
“Oh, he didn’t tell you?” Illumi looked towards hisoka. “silly baby, Kurapika’s gone. you’re going to be our new child!”
Chrollo looked back and forth between hisoka and Illumi’s smiling faces. “Child?1 I’m twenty six!!”
“Well you sure cry enough to be our baby,” Illumi said as he eased a binky into roro’s mouth. “There, see?” Hisoka and Illumi patted him on the back.
“Now we’ll get you a nice change of clothes and send you off to bed,” said hisoka. “It’s pretty late, almost 7:30. I’m sure our widdle Rolo had a tough day today.” He said in baby talk to Chrollo.
“What? No! I need to find Kurapika!” Chrolo said as he spit out the binky in Illumi’s face.
“Here, after I change your diaper baby.” hisoka said. and both of them wrapped their arms around him and hugged him close, like a little family. Like the family chrolls never had. He started to lean into their warmth and let them put him in a diaper and take him to his crib. Illumi fed him from his bottle and he slowly drifted off to sleep.
In the middle of the night he woke up crying and throwing a tantrum. Hisoka and Illumi both rushed in to comfort him.
“shhh, did you have a nightmare chrollie?” he nodded with big eyes. “it’ll be okay, here, let daddy hold you.” Illumi picked him up in his arms while Hisoka patted his head.
Chrollo slowly relaxed into illumi’s arms and stopped crying. He smiled at hisoka.
“look Illumi! He smiled at me! aww!” hisoka said.
Illumi smiled. “I think he inherited your nose.”
“And your hair.” they kissed above Chrollo’s head and he felt at home.
“here baby, why don’t you sleep with this elephant tonight? It’ll keep you company.”
“o--kay daddy,” Chrollo said, sucking his thumb. “thank you.” chrollo squeezed the elephant in his arms and Hisoka and Illumi each took turns kissing his forehead.
“sweet dreams little chrollo” they said and turned out the light, waiting until he fell asleep to leave the room.
So chrollo began his new life as hisoka and illumi’s child. they let him jump on his very own moon trampoline the bought him, but one time he bounced so high he hit the top of the air bubble and banged his head. because low gravity and shit.
“aww did you get an owie?” Hisoka said when Chrollo was crying loudly from his injury. “Here, I’ll kiss it better.”
“Tomorrow he starts moon school, you know,” illumi said. “I bet he’ll look cute in his uniform”
the next day they dressed chrollo up in a little sailor uniform complete with knee highs and a skirt and sent him off to moon school. At moon school Chrollo played with the other kids and made paper dolls with his new friends. But then the school’s teacher, Miss Melody, received a phone call and made Chrollo come over to talk to whoever was on the line.
“Danchou?”
“dan what? Is that a type of food? I’ll order three.”
“Chrollo? WTF happened to you?”
“Daddy says you’re not supposed to use bad words.”
“Daddy?” the man on the other side screeched. chrollo frowned, tears forming in his eyes. he didn’t like it when people screamed at him. it reminded him of that mean blond bully. “chros you don’t have a father. he abandoned you a looooong time ago. Paku raised you, remember?”
Chrollo handed back the phone to the teacher. “this guy is a liar. you should block his number. daddies say that liars are bad unless they’re daddy.”
“okay, Chrollie,” the teacher replied.
“KURAPiAK!” yelled the phone.
“Kurapika?” he repeated. what a stupid na-
Hold on.
Pikachu?
“Don’t hang up, Miss Melody,” he cried, reaching for the phone. The woman held it at arm’s length, and Chrollo’s eyes started to tear up. “Please, they may know something about him .”
“Him?” miss melody asked, feigning innocence even though her eyes kept moving from side to side and up and down like one of those ping pong balls when the players really hated each other and wanted to win and were willing to che -
Kurapika and him would’ve been so good at ping pong. Krapiak would’ve lost in the end, of course, but it would be so fun watching him get all angry and frustrated.
Tears rolled down his cheeks at the thought. “Kurapi . . . Kurapika is my only love. My best friend.”
“HEY!” the person on the other side of the phone screamed in rage. “he tried to kill you like fifteen times danchou.”
“He can stab me with his chains all he wants. As long . . . as long as we can be together. He and I, we’ll be Moon Kings together. We’ll go to school, and eat cake, and I’ll make him some homemade twinkies . . .” here he started bawling again, because the thought of Kueapika and him being together like that was enough to make him choke up again. “We’ll live together, forever and ever. Daddies and Kurapika will definitely get along well, and we’ll be one big happy family!” At this, he looked into the camera that was currently filming the classroom for a documentary on Discovery Channel. He winked and gave them a thumbs up. Several of the film crew members fainted at the sight.
“please feitan u have to find him and bring him to the moon. Feitan do it for dan-dan. He needs this. It’s my only wish.”
“ugh ok. fine. but then you’re getting your shit together.” feitan said from the phone.
Meanwhile Curarpikt had moved to the quaint country of Qumar where he dyed his hair red, changed his name to Ammar Sha'ban Wasem, and took up indoor firebreathing and bellydancing for lots of cool sugar daddies who paid him a whole lot. He was currently smoking hookah with his crew at a dope lounge in downtown Reed City, the same place where all of Qumar’s royalty lived in a giant palace. He had wormed his way up to the top of the social food chain, currently winning over the king’s favor so he could kill him and seize control the nation. He was living the life and he knew it. He didn’t regret anything he’s done since he moved from YorkNew.
“Ammar,” King Shamoon said, beckoning him over as he blew out smoke rings. “would you be so kind as to join me this lovely evening? I have something I wish to discuss with you.”
Oh, Kurapika bet he did, mwahahaha. Today, Qumar, tomorrow the world, a few months from now, the Universe. No moon, though. that floating clunk of space rock ain’t getting anywhere near Kurapika’ lovely empire. Maybe, he could put it in a cage.
“Of course, your highnessest,” Kurapika replied, twisting a lock of fiery red hair around his finger coquettishly. his highnessest’s stupid eyes glowed with adoration at that. He was an idiot, but he was a hot idiot, so that was good. Easy on the eyes, easy to kill, all good stuff. Kurapika sat down next to him on the rich, red divan.
“not here,” said the King, taking his hand and leading him out into the dirty gardens outside. Kurapika liked it that way. the king got down on one knee, and Kurapika gasped, because damn that was a big ring. he wondered how much he could sell it for. “Ammar Sha’ban Wassam, would you give me the honor of becoming my hubby?”
“Oh, Salmon.”
“Shamoon.”
“Whatever,” kurapika replied, curtly, before adopting that sweet tone again. “oh, Shamoon, of course! i’ll be sure to kill you quickly.”
“What?”
“Ah,” Kurapika quickly amended, “expression, expression. it means that I’ll love you so much that you’ll die from the happiness our marriage will bring you.”
his highnessest laughed. “you’re so sweet, Ammar.”
“No, you’re sweet.”
“No, you are.”
“No, no, you.”
“No, you.”
“NO, YOU.”
“No, no you!”
“Oh hush, it’s definitely you, sweetie.”
“Let’s have the wedding next week.”
Kurapika gasped. “So soon?”
“IS it not to your liking?” asked the King.
“Oh, it is,” Kurapika replied, kissing him on the cheek. “It absolutely is.”
The King smiled. “excellent.” and then he left.
An evil smirk spread across Kurapika’s face, and once he was sure he was alone, he started to sing an evil villain song. Because every villain needed a song. Even that asshole Chrollo had one.
By the end of the song, he was laughing his evil villain laugh, which he’d perfected over the last few years. his mouth was no longer a bug catcher. Lightning formed a halo around his head.
Yes, yes, this was what he’d always wanted! Not revenge, not adventure. He wanted evil. No, he wanted to be evil! He wanted to be evil incarnate! All those years obsessing over the Phantom Troupe. It wasn’t because they killed his family and stole his twinkies (though, he still mourned those twinkies very much), it was out of jealousy. He wanted to be the Phantom Troupe. No, he wanted to be better than the Phantom Troupe!
“Well, Lucilfer!?” he yelled. “Whatcha say to that? Mwahahahahahahahaha!”
He eventually calmed down again, breathed, and started walking back to the palace like nothing had happened.
“I love my life,” he said, somewhere along the way, when he’d picked up a taco surprise from Taco Bell.
and he did. his life was perfect.
One week later, his wedding approached. Kurapika was dressed up in some cool-looking clothes and a headwrap, and when he looked in the mirror, he knew that this was love.
“damn, you loookin’ fine, Peeks,” he said, his hands pointing finger guns at his reflection in the mirror.
“Your excellency!” some stupid guard interrupted his moment alone with himself. “It is time!”
“No shit! I have a clock right here!” he screamed, revelling in his horribleness. “Get out, you nincompoop!”
“Of course, your excellency. how silly of me, your excellency.” The guard left him alone again, and Kurapika put his hand to the reflection of himself in the mirror.
“I will see you soon, my love.”
But first, he’s got a fiance to marry and a husband to kill.
When he got outside, all the guards were gone. Damn. He said they should leave him, not that they didn’t need to be here. How was he supposed to get to the altar?
A candy wrapper suddenly hit him over the head.
Then when he looked around he saw that all the guards had been replaced by Phantom Troupe members. He dropped the Taco he’d just taken out of his pocket to swallow.
“what. the . FUCK.”
“look peeks just here me out” shalnark started to say. “ive got taffy”
“NO.” Kurpaik threw the taffy wrapper at him and it fell to the ground lamely before them. “get out of my way you idiots I moved across the world to get away from you. I’m about to take over the universe and I will not be stopped.” Kurapika picked up shalnark and tossed him to the side. Shizuku screamed.
Kurapika ignored them and stormed over to the altar, eyes bright red for the first time in years.
“Ammar, my love, you’ve made it!” Shamoon squealed in delight.
“Whatever salmon. I do.”
“But the ceremony hasn’t even started yet!”
“IDGAF. I do.” he looked to the priest expectantly.
“well, Shamoon? do you take Ammar Sha'ban Wasem senior junior esquire the third to be your lawfully wedded husband?” the priest said, shaking. Kurapika’s bloodlust was like a thick cloud clouding the room and the priest was not about to challenge him.
“I do…” Shamoon said, starting to get scared.
“Just kiss me already,” he said and he picked him up by his collar and planted one on him. as he did he plunged a knife right through his heart and starting evilly laughing even though blood was now coming out of the lips he was kissing.
THe people in the room all gasped and started screaming, and the phantom troupe started running in through the doors saying “what whats going on??”
“That’s right bitches. I’m your king now!” Kurapika said tossing Salmon’s body to the side. “muahahahah, MUAHAHAHA.” he sat there laughing evilly, as he started to dance a little victory jig he planned while in his room, a wide grin making its way onto his blood-covered his mouth for another minute before looking at nobunaga. “look who mastered the laugh?” he smirked. Nobunaga gasped. “and as king, my first order of business will be to capture those ugly bandits standing there in the back.” the crowd slowly turned around to look at them. “you heard me!” kkurapcsa yelled when no one moved. “get them, NOW!”
“uhh, yes sir” Kurapika looked at him questioningly.
“sir?”
“I-I mean your highnessed! your graciousness! forgive me!”
“That’s better, now get them, they’re getting away!” sure enough the troupe was scrambling to get out the door but the guards stopped them by throwing banana peels in front of them and making them slip. Kurapika was filming them on his phone as they all slipped and fell. those idiots. he wasn’t even going to put it on youtube this time he was just going to watch it for pleasure every night before he slept. “Now now now,” he said, walking towards the doors while the troupe squirmed in the guards’ arms. “You shall call me Danchou supreme and you will never mention that moon baby bastard Quwrof again.” he chose Danchou supreme because it sounded like Nacho supreme, his favorite dish at taco bell.
So kurapika enslaved the troupe to work for him in Qumar and the first thing he made them do was 50 hours of community service in the Pig Grease district. His plan to take over the world was well on its way and he had even found love. in his mirror.
On the moon Chrollo was crying when he found out the news about Kurapika in Qumar and how he had taken all of the Troupe for his own. He broke down in moon school and Miss Melody had to call home because he kept interrupting learning by wailing Pikachu every five minutes and bawling loudly.
When hisoka and Illumi picked him up they said “what’s wrong baby Rolo, was another kid mean to you at moon school?”
Chrollo just twiddled his skirt in his fingers looking up at them. “no daddies. Pikachu took all my friends and became King of Qumar! Without me! waahhh!”
Hisoka and Illumi exchanged a knowing look. “Aww sweetie that must have been hard. Why don’t you suck on this” Illumi said, sliding a binky into his mouth, “and hold this ellie for me,” he said, putting his Mickey Mouse elephant into his arms. “Come on now, let’s go home and daddy will change your diaper and we’ll watch Blue’s Clues together. Okay?”
“Daddies?”
“Yes, sweetie?”
“Can I become a King, too, someday?”
Illumi and Hisoka both put hands to their chest as the pride bubbled over. Their son was growing up so fast. “Of course, honey. My, you’re a big boy now. How about we upgrade you to Curious George now as well?”
Chrollo nodded and Hisoka picked him and carried him back to the mansion. He might not have Pikachu but at least he has his two daddies who treat him better than Pikachu ever could.
The End.