Archive of Our Own

When Banba had put him in his bed Lin had been too drugged out on painkillers to protest.

‘Here you go, Lin-chan,’ Banba had said, helping him down being careful to avoid the bandaged stitches on his right side and arranging the pillows around him. The cut wasn’t too deep but it was long and Lin had a feeling it would take an annoyingly long time to recuperate. Not that he was thinking much about that when Banba put him to bed.

Lin woke up again later when it was still dark. The painkillers had worn off a little and his side was aching, a steady burning ache that put him on edge.

‘Easy,’ Banba said, voice sleepy as Lin tried to get up. Lin wasn’t that surprised that Banba had stayed by his side, the idiot was ridiculously caring in that way.

‘Do you want some water?’

‘I want something for the pain, idiot,’ Lin croaked.

‘Okay, don’t move.’

Lin closed his eyes as the light went on and Banba got out of bed. He laid there, trying to focus on the sounds Banba made as he pattered around the kitchen, anything to distract himself from the pain.

Water was placed on the small side-table.

‘Lin-chan, we’ll have to get you up.’

It wasn’t easy as Banba moved him upright. Lin couldn’t help a small groan as Banba accidentally brushed against one of his bruises, but finally he found himself held upright against Banba, his back against Banba’s chest. The fact that he had someone to look after him in this time filled him with so many conflicting feelings he had to shut it all down.

‘Is that comfortable?’ There was a light kiss on head.

‘Yeah,’ Lin said. Realising that he’d probably need Banba to help him later with the bathroom, a terribly humiliating thought. Banba was careful to hand him the water, not jostling him too much and then handed him the pills. He swallowed it, his head falling back on Banba’s shoulder, willing the painkillers to kick in.

Banba stroked his hair a little. There was silence for a while as Lin’s mind focused on the moment, on Banba’s warmth and his hands.

‘You scared me today,’ Banba said quietly after a while.

‘It’s not like I wanted this.’

‘I know, but I could have handled it, Lin.’

‘You don’t know that.’ Maybe Banba could have handled it, Banba was the strongest fighter Lin had ever seen but the other guy was also strong and he’d been able to take advantage of a small opening when one of his goons had knocked Banba on the side. Lin had just reacted putting himself between them, no time to counter it as the blade cut down his side.

He hadn’t felt any pain as he’d fallen. He remembered looking up at the pipes along the concrete ceiling of the carpark and a familiar voice had come to him. We don’t get to die pleasant deaths.

‘Lin-chan..I-‘

‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’

Enokida had died six months earlier.

One of his informants had ratted him out to some mid-level mafia boss and he’d been stabbed in his apartment in retaliation. He’d called for them for help but Lin knew as soon as they entered through the kicked in door that they were too late. Enokida was on the ground in a pool of red, and he wasn’t going to make it. It was a miracle that he’d managed to hang on that long with so much blood loss.

Lin had called Saeki for help, even while knowing it was useless as Banba dragged the man into his arms unmindful of the blood, speaking words of comfort. That was the type of person Banba was. So very kind. He’d never let any of his friends die alone if he could help it, no matter how much Lin knew it would have hurt him to see Enokida suffer so.

Lin wasn’t a doctor, but he knew more than most people what death looked like. Blood was everywhere. Enokida’s shirt was soaked, his lips were blue and his eyes were already getting that glazed look that showed it wouldn’t be long. ‘Hang in there, you’ll be fine,’ Banba had said, holding onto his left hand and rubbing his shoulder, but the pained look he exchanged with Lin said otherwise. Banba knew. They both knew.

So did Enokida.

‘No I won’t,’ Enokida had whispered and gave Lin a look of such overwhelming world weariness. Lin crouched down next to him. ‘Don’t look sad, Lin-kun. I don’t feel pain.’

‘You idiot,’ Lin had said, voice rough as he’d taken Enokida’s other hand. It was so cold and he’d placed Enokida’s hand against his cheek. He liked Enokida. In a sense he’d been his first true friend, besides Banba. He didn’t want to lose him.

Enokida had given him a sad smile and said, voice weaker. ‘You both came. This isn’t so bad.’ Those had been his last words. His eyes had glazed over then into death.

Banba hadn’t said a word to him on the way back home. Hadn’t said anything as he’d gone to shower to wash away all the blood, and hadn’t protested as Lin had silently taken his things and moved himself back to sleeping on the couch. The thing he and Banba had, whatever it was - Lin couldn’t face it. A part of him knew it was too late, Banba had already wormed his way into his heart even before they had become lovers. Trying to distance himself now was foolish.

But Lin was a fool.

We don’t get to die pleasant deaths.

‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ Lin repeated. ‘This isn’t the life I chose. I don’t want to kill anymore. I’m sick of this.’

Banba sighed. ‘Lin-chan….’ But his voice trailed off, as if he didn’t know quite what to say.

‘Do you love me?’ Lin asked suddenly. Needing to know desperately.

‘Yes,’ Banba said simply and kissed the side of his head. ‘I love you. I’m in love with you, Lin-chan. It feels like I’ve always loved you.’

Tears were already forming in Lin’s eyes. He could never be stoic around Banba, it was annoying. But Banba’s confession gave him the courage to continue.

‘I can’t do this, Banba Zenji,’ he used the full name deliberately, voice catching. ‘I’m so sick of this and it’s killing me. I can’t sleep with the worry.’ He knew he was babbling now, maybe the drugs helped or that sitting there practically in Banba’s lap meant he didn’t have to look Banba in the eye, but the dam had broken and all his fears he had since Enokida’s death came flooding out in one go. ‘I can’t watch you die, and I don’t want to die. Enokida once told me that people like us don’t get a pleasant death. He’s right. But we don’t have to do this. We can both stop killing. We can leave right?’

Please.

There was nothing else that Lin knew how to do. He’d been trained all his life to be a killer, but he wanted to be something else, he wanted something else and he didn’t want to do it alone. He didn’t think he could even do it alone. He knew asking Banba this was asking a lot. So very much, maybe too much. They couldn’t just stop their business and stay in Hakata or even Fukuoka without consequences, there would always be looking behind their back, waiting for someone to take out the Niwaka Samurai either for revenge or for glory. For this to work, they would have to leave this region of Japan forever and start over with new identities and a new life as far away as they could. Banba would have to abandon the team, his friends without even a goodbye for everyone’s safety. Banba loved this city and his friends too, and maybe it was unfair for him to ask, but Lin couldn’t live like this anymore.

‘Okay,’ Banba had said easily, absolutely no hesitation.

‘You idiot!’ Lin sobbed grasping onto Banba’s hand tightly. ‘Really?’ He couldn’t hide the relief in his voice. The weight of his fears for himself and Banba being lifted suddenly with just one simple word.

‘Really, Lin-chan. We’ll leave when you’re better. Besides,’ Banba said casually as he traced his thumb on the soft skin under Lin’s right ear soothingly . ‘I can watch baseball and eat mentaiko anywhere. So as long as you’re by my side it’s fine.'

Lin cried some more as Banba held him. But it was okay now, for the first time ever he could imagine a future.