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You walked down the streets of Kamurocho, thinking about life and how medicore yours was.
“Hmm… maybe I’ll go to the bar tonight,” you said out loud to yourself, heading down to Serena.
Once you entered the building, you were greeted by a beautiful woman who bowed. “Welcome to Serena! I’m Reina. Please buy something. Please.”
You sat down, being greeted by two men in ugly-ass suits. “I’m Akira Nishikiyama,” the long haired one greeted as his voice was breaking. His lip quivering and his eyes were glossy, appearing to be on the edge of bursting into tears.
“...Kazuma Kiryu,” the ugly one in the incredibly ugly suit said with a huff.
“Nice to meet you two,” you said with a smile. You ordered a drink from Reina, the most expensive one on the menu because you felt like if you didn’t, she’d probably kill you.
“So… you two wanna maybe wanna fuck?” You ask them.
Nishiki sniffled as Kiryu simply said “...”
“O-kay… guess not…” You sipped your drink awkwardly.
“They’re both in love with Yumi,” Reina said. “Where is she? Is she cute?” You asked.
“Tbh we haven’t seen her at all in Yakuza 0… But she’s used as a plot tool in Yakuza 1!” Reina said. She leaned in and whispered, “spoiler alert, we both die…”
“Oh shit,” you said aloud. “If these two are in love with her, wouldn’t she at least have more screentime than you?”
Reina shrugged.
You looked at Nishiki and Kiryu. “So… no splish splash koi fishy swim swim?”
Nishiki then completely burst into tears, snot flying everywhere as he wailed. Kiryu looked at you and said “...” out loud.
“Bitch, what the fuck? I’m out. Bye.” You headed out of the bar, leaving Reina to the care of the emotional Nishiki having a breakdown, and the very quiet Kiryu.
You continue on your quest to find someone to fuck, strutting down the streets before seeing a commotion happening on the side of the street. A man, tied up in red rope, was being shoved into the backseat of a car.
“Woah, is anyone else seeing this?!” You exclaim, but nobody else around you seemed interested.
A hot goth dude came up to you, wearing an Evanescence T-shirt and pulling out his earbuds. “That’s just chairman Daigo getting kidnapped again.”
“What?! Some guy is getting kidnapped and we’re all just gonna ignore it?”
The kidnappers slammed the door shut and hopped into the car before speeding away. “Don’t even stress, he gets kidnapped like every week. Kiryu Kazuma goes to save him each time. It’s like Daigo gets off to this kind of thing…”
You blinked. “Uh… okay…” You shook your head. “Hey, you’re pretty hot. What’s your name?”
The goth dude twirled around and did a flashy pose. “Woo! I’m Mine Yoshitaka.”
“You wanna bang?”
Mine held up his hand. “Sorry, the only hole I’m fucking is Mr. Daigo Dojima’s.”
“So you’re not gonna go save him?”
Mine shrugged. “That’s Kiryu’s job, not mine. Haha, get it? Not mine?” BA DUM TSS.
“Hilarious. Minion meme material,” you mumbled under your breath. “Anyways, bye.”
You left Mine, who put his earphones back in and was jamming out to Linkin Park. You continued down Kamurocho, on the hunt for a mate.
“Nyahahaha!”
You heard some weird laughing in the distance, spotting some odd goblin creature with an eyepatch doing the hustle in a shiny disco suit.
You went up to him. “Nice moves.”
“Nyahaha! Thanks, cutie pie. There’s much more where that came from.” He winked at you, but since he was wearing an eyepatch, it was more like a blink, you guess.
“What are you?” You felt compelled to ask.
The goblin laughed, doing some weird-ass dance with some hopping type moves and his hands jacking off the air. “I’m Gorogorogoro-chan-san, babey!” He bowed.
“Okay, Gorogorogoro-chan-san, you wanna fuck?”
“Nyahaha! Hell yeah!” He started doing his dance again, but you felt the need to as well. “Yay!”
You two linked arms as Gorogorogoro-chan-san and you skipped down the streets of Kamurocho. “Where should we go?”
“How bout we go to one of ‘em fancy lovey dovey hotels?” Gorogorogoro-chan-san suggested.
“Okay, but I have no money…” You said. “Can we get a loan?”
“Sure.”
You two then headed down to Sky Finance, being greeted by an adult version of Pigpen from Peanuts.
“Welcome to Sky Finance. I’m Akiyama.”
“Hi, can we get a loan? We’re tryna fuck.”
“Yeah, sure thing.” Pigpen man Akiyama walked over to his computer, his cloud of filth following him. “Before I give you this loan, I need you to pass a test first.”
“Eh? A test?”
He nodded. “Yeah. You gotta clean my house and also me—”
“Okay, we’re outta here! Not worth it…” You said to Gorogorogoro-chan-san, taking his hand as you two left. “Sorry, Gorogorogoro-chan-san… He’s way too dirty! I might catch a disease just being within a few feet of him.”
“That’s okay, pumpkin. Let’s try somethin’ else, then.”
You two decided on perhaps just doing it in the sewer, but you were greeted by a weird caveman who also happened to be Gorogorogoro-chan-san’s oath brother, and a cat lady.
“What the fuck is a sex?” The caveman, Saejima, asked as you scurried away from the neanderthal.
Gorogorogoro-chan-san and you decided you needed to get to know each other a bit better before you two fucked, since you two were becoming quite close as the night went on. You both decided to travel to Kansai.
You two walked down the bridge of Sotenbori, feeding the Shinada fishes in the river. “So, Gorogorogoro-chan-san… or, Goro…” You held his hand. “What’s your life like?”
“You wanna meet my parents?” Goro asked as you nodded.
You both headed inside a cabaret club, up the stairs to enter a room where two gross old men were drinking and talking.
“Majima-kuuuun!” The gross man in the pink suit yelled out, nearly tackling Goro. “Hey, Tiger…” The man in the pinstripe suit greeted.
“Who’s this cute thing ya got with ya?”
You gasped, the two old men staring at you with hunger in their eyes. “Um…”
“She’s just a friend,” Goro said. “In fact… what’s ya name, anyway?”
“It’s—”
“Eh, doesn’t matter… I’ll probably forget it after this fanfic is over,” Goro said.
The man in the pinstripe suit stroked your hair. “You look like the type of gal who needs to… release some juices on a man…”
“Haha! Save some of that sweet ass for me, Majima-chan!” The man in the pink suit licked his lips and panted.
“Sagawa… Nishitani…” Goro did a facepalm as he took your hand. “We’re leavin’ now! See ya!”
You two left as he sighed. “Sorry… my dads are kinda… eccentric. I mean, not sayin’ I ain’t…”
You giggled. “Anything else you wanna do?” You asked Goro. He rubbed his belly. “I’m kinda hungry…”
You two got some takoyaki, served by a beefy blonde man with a fucking bionicle arm. It was delicious.
You two walked down the streets of Kansai, enjoying the beautiful city lights. “Damn, I’m outta cigs…” Goro commented with a frustrated sigh. He walked over to the side of the road, tapping a man wearing a blue coat on the shoulder. The man was snorting a line, clearly a mess. “Can I bum a cig?”
“Sure…” The man said, his face covered with cocaine dust as he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and handed it to Goro.
You and Goro held each other's hand, standing under the cherry blossom trees, coincidentally. “This is nice.”
“Yeah, it’s kinda pretty,” he said before chuckling.
You two looked into each other’s eyes, smiling at each other.
“Hey, uh…”
“Hmm?”
Goro laughed nervously. “Uh, this is gonna sound awkward but…”
“?”
He sighed. “The author doesn’t really know what the fuck this whole fic is… so uh…” Goro let go of your hands, clicking his tongue before giving you a fingersnap. “Later!” He whistled, Saejima the caveman appearing out of nowhere as Goro jumped onto his back with a ‘nyahahaha!’ as they disappeared.
You stood, wiping the tears rolling down your face. “Their bond… is so strong…” You said out loud as you heard a loud wail behind you. “I agree!” You looked to see Nishiki crying as you whistled and walked away.
You decided to go walk for a bit even though you’ve been like, everywhere all night. You bumped into someone. “Oof!”
You looked up to see Kiryu Kazuma again. You two locked eyes.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“You wanna fuck?” You asked.
“...”
“...”
You both ran hand in hand to the nearest bathroom you could find.