Chapter Text
Phil exhaled slowly and regretfully dragged his eyes away from his monitor screen. He had been working diligently for hours on end and craved a break to spare his poor eyes from any further abuse. The short film he was working on, “The Madness of Matthew Swiatzack”, was a personal project that he loved dearly, but it was making his eyes bleed from the excessive amounts of time he spent working on it, trying to get every moment perfect.
Okay, maybe just a five-minute break.
Phil snatched up his phone and pushed off from his desk, still on his rolling chair, spinning around wildly to the door. He stood up, joints popping in quick succession, and stretched his arms above his head, enjoying the burning stretch. The muscles in his back released the tension he had barely noticed he was carrying but was nonetheless very glad to be rid of. He trotted into his small kitchen, past graying houseplants and far too many video games, and snatched a box of cereal from his pantry. He retreated to the connected cozy living room with his prize.
Snuggling into his sofa, he opened his phone to check his notifications for the first time in a few hours. His heart stuttered when he saw that one notification that always perked up his day: new upload from Daniel Howell. The heady feeling of reading those words had never changed from the very first one that first changed his life over a year earlier to the one that day in his living room. A familiar giddy feeling filled his stomach––like he swallowed pure helium. He bounced his leg a bit from excess energy without realizing it as he clicked on the video as quickly as he could. Immediately, that familiar face filled the small screen.
“Hello, internet!” Dan greeted, and Phil grinned, his smile only growing as he watched the video. By the time it ended, he knew he needed to watch it again, though his aching cheeks protested. Dan posted so infrequently that Phil savored every minute of his admittedly short videos (though they had nothing on Jacksfilms' videos, another YouTuber whose videos Phil used to love). He had been subscribed to Dan for years, since all the way back when he was still "danisnotonfire", and Phil had remained a dedicated viewer. And though he naturally didn’t mention this fact to most people he knew in the outside world due to general (and hopefully mostly unwarranted) embarrassment for the level of dedication he had, the little bubble hidden inside his phone and computer was filled with support and love. In fact, Phil had made many of his closest friends through Dan’s online fanbase. (This had the previously unwanted effect of helping Phil realize he didn't quite like his friends in the first place and helped him to come to rely far more on those he knew online. But Phil had no room to complain––he didn't mind in the slightest; his friends were pretty damn great.)
The video ended far too quickly, and Phil knew exactly what he would be doing for the next hour and a half or so. The first time watching any of Dan's videos, Phil couldn't retain a single piece of information to save his life; the figure on the screen was far too entrancing. Thankfully, the neglect of his phone earlier let it maintain its nearly full battery, a miracle in this day and age. But before pressing play again, Phil ran into his office again and grabbed his notepad and copious amounts of markers, along with his tablet computer for a better visual. He carefully walked back out into the living room, his conquests precariously balanced in his arms and praying nothing fell. At some point, he needed to begin to plan out his work before gathering materials; the copious amount of supplies was completely over the top. His Tumblr, amazingsketches, was filled with pages and pages of drawings of the gorgeous brunet whose video was currently gracing his home, and he couldn’t let his followers down by not posting now. Yes, that was the entire reason why he decided to watch the video over and to stare at Dan for an extended period of time, his followers. He hunkered down and got to work, drawing a particularly beautiful screenshot of Dan he took that was pulled up on his laptop while the video's comforting audio filled his ears, coming from his phone.
Phil spent almost an hour perfecting his drawing and making sure everything, from the shadows and highlights to the stylized coloring, to Dan’s shy little dimple peeking out at the camera, were, well, amazing.
Perfect. Well, except for… No, Phil, it’s good, just leave it. You're just gonna ruin it. Relax.
And relax he did. Phil posted it to his blog after a short battle of the pictures, trying to find a suitable one to share, and trudged into the next room, yawning as he puttered about the kitchen to make himself some food. Far too often he would be so sucked up in his films and personal projects that he’d forget to eat––scandalous for someone who loved food as much as Phil did. Unfortunately, this forgetfulness also meant that he would never be stocked up on cereal, leading to a horrible sense of disappointment whenever he opened his pantry in search of that sugar, especially at three in the morning.
He threw some popcorn in the microwave, vowing to go grocery shopping sometime that week (sometime when the supermarket was open––aka before three in the morning, when, in some cruel twist of fate, he was usually in his most productive state). He stared at it dully as it went in circles through the opaque window, and as soon as the noises died down, he yanked the bag out. He dumped it in an enormous bright green plastic bowl and popped a few kernels in his mouth as he picked his phone up again.
As soon as he read the top notification, his exhaustion evaporated. Phil gleefully slid open the top message, smiling. He had been talking with flamingdan611 for about as long as he had been posting his drawings, close to a year ago, though it felt like a lifetime––in the best way possible. Phil didn’t even feel like he was talking with someone online anymore - it felt as though they were talking face to face, even if he had never learned flamingdan611's real name. He said once that he didn’t want to lie, but wanted his two lives to be separate. Phil understood, and after some time, the URL morphed into a name all by itself. Sometimes it didn't quite seem fair that he knew Phil's name from his blog description, but Phil could only guess at his. But the irk never lasted long. He was happy to speak to him, no matter whatever his name happened to be.
“So i take it you’ve seen dans new video from that beautiful post of yours,” Flame had sent. Phil could see him smiling in his mind’s eye.
“yeah,” he typed back. “whatd you think of it? the video that is. not my 'beautiful post'––(ty btw)”
“idk,” Flame responded after a moment of typing. “It was fine i guess.”
Phil felt his eyes bug out of his head.
“how can u say such a horrible thing??” he sent with a smiley face to soften his aggressive words. “If u stop being a fan, we wont talk anymore!” This he sent, a little nervously, with a cheeky winky face. There was a pause, but a second later, Flame responded.
“Trust me, that’s not happening any time soon.” Phil smiled and sent another smiley face before his brain could catch up with his fingers. Sometimes he hated this bubbly side of his personality, but many of his friends, including Flame, said it was endearing. He questioned this, but there was nothing to do in the end. No use fighting something that was so ingrained in him. And what would be the point of willingly tampering down happiness?
When no response came, Phil put his phone down and threw a few pieces of popcorn in his mouth. Suddenly, he remembered something and let out a loud, “Oh!” Phil picked up his phone and typed furiously.
“Hey, I keep meaning to ask: flamingdan611?” Typing bubbles popped up and Phil ate more popcorn as he waited. Perhaps it was a little late in the game to be asking, but he had always been too nervous to ask, given his naturally private nature.
“Yeah obviously it fits with the whole dan howell thing but i thought it was appropriate. I mean anyone who knows me well irl knows that i am FLAMING queer lol and my birthday is june 11 so…”
Phil choked on a piece of popcorn and began a violent coughing fit.
Wait, what?
Flamingdan611 had always had the one blog that didn’t overwhelm Phil with gay, and Phil had always just assumed he was hetero. Sure, every once and a while, he’d reblog some post about representation or something, but Phil had squashed any thoughts of him being anything but straight for so long that hearing that He’s gay! didn’t quite compute. His brain struggled to process the information.
“Umm ok so this might seem kinda weird but YOU’RE QUEER? Like it’s great and all but i had no clue!!” Phil quickly sent the message, but after a quick read-over, he instantly regretted it. But Flame was already typing, so Phil just sat back and waited.
“Haha, yeah idk i guess im pretty private online with certain stuff.” More typing bubbles appeared and Phil waited patiently. The revelation swirled around in his mind. Could they...?
“But at this point u dont really feel like an “internet friend”, u know? Like it feels like ur in my flat rn” Phil’s breath caught in his throat.
“Sorry was that creepy? Idk”
Phil hurried to respond. “No no thats not creepy i feel it too. if only lol”
“Eventually maybe,” Flame sent back. Phil’s heart swelled and he sent a smiley face that mirrored his own dopey grin. After all this time of the two chatting online, that was the most positive answer Flame had ever given to meeting in person. Phil had eventually stopped asking, almost afraid of why they couldn’t meet (what if he’s a middle-aged man, or a little kid, or my mother?!). (And, of course, he didn't want anything he did to make Flame uncomfortable in the slightest.) Every time Phil asked for even a picture, Flame just sent some obscure picture of Dan. At least he got some rare photos out of it. So to see even a “maybe” from the brutally honest boy was exhilarating.
Yes, Phil knew that he shouldn’t trust this person who could very possibly be like nothing he said he was, but the friendship that was there was real. And Phil liked talking to him. So he’d continue talking to him for as long as he could and ignore the warning bells going off in his head telling him there was something he was missing.
Phil gobbled up the rest of his popcorn and got back to work.
If only fanboying paid the rent.