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Arthur had been cold that morning. If you didn't know Arthur well, you wouldn't notice it, but Merlin knew him better than anyone else in the castle. He had barely said anything whilst Merlin was helping him get dressed, and Merlin's stupid and humorous comments had been met with blank stares.
Merlin was now left alone in Arthur's, but really their, chambers, whilst Arthur was training with his knights. And leaving Merlin alone when something was worrying him was always a bad idea. When Merlin was worried, his mind tended to focus on everything that might go wrong. And being an extremely clumsy sorcerer working for and also in a relationship with the prince of a land that prohibited marriage and relationships between two men, meant Merlin had a lot to worry about.
Whenever Arthur was with him, the endless river of thoughts through Merlin's head began to slow. Arthur was all Merlin need to feel safe, and Merlin had long ago learnt to trust that for every time he had to protect Arthur with magic, there would be another time when Arthur would protect Merlin.
When Merlin had only just arrived in Camelot, Arthur drank poison for him at the Labyrinth of Gedref. Arthur had barely known Merlin, and they most certainly had not been in a relationship. Merlin wondered if his boyfriend had liked him back then, and maybe that was why he drunk the poison. But then Merlin realised what a stupid idea that was. He knew Arthur well enough to know that drinking poison was just the sort of kind hearted thing Arthur would do, because he would never let an innocent suffer for him. Also, given how long it had taken Arthur to come to terms with his illegal sexuality, he couldn't have liked Merlin back then.
More recently, Arthur had had to defend his boyfriend from a new knight, who thought it would be funny to use a random servant as a punch bag. That knight had been forced to beg Arthur and Merlin’s forgiveness, and he still wasn't allowed to stay in Camelot.
As much as Merlin knew and trusted that Arthur loved him, and would do anything for him, he couldn't stop the doubts spreading through his mind. What if Arthur was going to tell Uther about Merlin's magic? Or their relationship? Would Merlin be burned at the stake for sorcery? What if Arthur had been cold and distant because he didn't even like Merlin and was trying to think of a way to let him down gently? Merlin would rather be turned into Uther on the crime of homosexuality and sorcery than have Arthur tell him that, actually, he didn't love him. To hear that from Arthur's lips would shatter his heart, tearing into unrecognisably small pieces, and Merlin would have no hope of ever reassembling it.
These dark thoughts whirled through his mind. Occasionally, a ray of light burst through, when he thought of all the times Arthur had said he loved Merlin, or when Arthur had stood up to Uther, defending Merlin. But then the darkness would chase away the light, and Merlin would return to his misery.
He heard the sound of footsteps in the corridor, and the clanking noise of armour. As the door burst open, Merlin cowered away, convinced by his mind that there were soldiers, come to take him to Uther.
But instead of the firm grip and being hauled to his feet which he expected, he was instead wrapped in a warm comforting hug. Merlin breathed deep in the smell of Arthur, and automatically relaxed. It didn't matter if Merlin would be taken away later; he was sitting there being held by Arthur now.
"I'm here love. I'm so sorry. Gwen said I seemed really distant, and I realised how much I ignored you this morning. I love you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, and I promise I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you."
Arthur's voice comforted Merlin, and his hand gently wiped away the tears that Merlin hadn't even realised were falling. They had never spoken about what this was, but Arthur had seemed to figure out, correctly, that Merlin was scared to be abandoned. Scared to think he was alone. Arthur could understand why. When you spend your entire life hiding, pretending to be something you're not, part of that fear stays with you, even when you know you're safe.
Arthur picked Merlin up and carried him gently to their bed. After laying Merlin down, he barred the door to their chamber from the inside, and returned to his boyfriend. Merlin calmed down considerably with his boyfriend's arms wrapped around him, holding him tight. Where before, Merlin had felt like he was falling apart, now he had Arthur holding him together.
Merlin looked up at Arthur through his fringe and tear blurred eyes. "Arthur, I want to tell you."
Arthur looked down at his boyfriend, worry etched across his face. "Merlin, you know I would never push me to tell you anything. I will always be here to support you, and it hurts me to see you in pain."
Merlin smiled at Arthur, feeling the truth in his words. "I don't know how to explain." he sighed.
"Just try."
"Whenever I'm not with you, I get so anxious and scared. I worry someone will find out about my magic, or our relationship. I worry you'll tell Uther about my magic. I worry," Merlin choked back a sob, "that maybe you don't love me."
Arthur's face grew more and more concerned with every word Merlin said. How could Merlin think he would ever turn him into his father, or that he didn't love him? "Merlin, I love you more than anything else in this world. There is nothing I wouldn't face to protect you. If my father does find out about us or your magic, we leave. We go somewhere I can keep you safe."
"We?" Merlin squeaked.
"Yes, we. Everything else can change, but you and I will always be together. I'll never stop breaking the law for you. And we are caught, we deal with the consequences, together. I promise I'll never leave you Merlin."
Arthur leant down, pressing his lips against his boyfriend's, and saying more with one soft kiss than he could say with words.