Work Text:
Putting the 'Fun' in 'Dysfunctional'
Kagami figured after the total destruction of training ground 50 and the property damage resulting from the first dinner, everyone would agree not to try again.
But no. Here they were, just over a month later, back at the Hokage’s residence at what had been promised to be one of many. Someone was determined that these ‘family dinners’ were going to be a thing.
“Is it too late to get a mission to Suna? Or Kiri?” Kagami asked during her latest visit to the Hokage’s office, fresh off of a recent hunting mission, blood (not her’s) staining her bone white armour. “I’ll babysit genin if I must.”
Naruto, his good hand furiously writing while he stared blankly at the ANBU in his office, “No way. You just got back and your father would just come in here with that soulless gaze of his in the hopes of staring me into oblivion if I sent you out again.” He finished a report with a heavy handed scratch. “Not to forget what Sakura-chan would do if I let you weasel out of this.”
It was a fair point. Kagami held no illusions about which of her parents was the scary one. “That’s a definitive ‘no’ then?” She hedged.
A blond eyebrow twitched. “You get to suffer with the rest of us.”
Or not quite. Because the Hokage had ‘Very Important Business That Absolutely Can’t Wait, Okay, ILoveYouAllBYE!’ Kagami narrowed her eyes as she stared at the Hokage’s rapidly retreating back on the rooftops of Konoha from the Hokage’s residence and thought to herself, ‘Chicken .’ Her father had a similar look on his face- oh, that was the soulless gaze Naruto was talking about. Her mother, on the hand, had the kind of smile that made Kagami really want to be on the other side of Fire Country.
Yuuto was oblivious to the sudden tension, and promptly pulled Himawari off to play with kunai or something. Her brother wasn’t dumb, per say, but the topics he chose to care about were limited- it seemed the politics of a family dinner had been given the don’t care label. Kagami was taught not to show discomfort, or anything else that could give away what she was thinking- like escaping.
Her mother could practically read minds though. “Don’t even think about it.” Sakura said before Kagami had even attempted to flee. “We’re are going to have a nice dinner tonight, am I clear?”
Kagami gingerly put the smoke bomb she had be fingering back into her pants’ pocket. “Yes, Ka-san.”
With a slight pause, Sakura glanced at her husband and, smile still in place, asked, “Am I clear, dear?” Itachi, smart man that he was, nodded.
Just in time too, because then the Uchiha family showed up.
It was… civil-ish.
At least at the start.
The tension this time was surprisingly not between her father and her uncle, who were content enough to ignore each other- though everyone had been careful not to mention the last dinner for fear that might change. No, without the third member of the illustrious and destructive Team Seven, Sakura and Sasuke were en-route for a blow-up. Violently.
By the main course the temperature in the apartment was practically frigid, and Yuuto had shuffled closer to Kagami’s side, with Himawari shifting closer to Yuuto. Kagami, still somewhat sleep deprived and edgy, couldn’t stop flinching whenever her mother set a piece of dishware down with even a hint of force. She still remembered the hole in the wall her mother had left when Sakura half-hearted tossed a spoon towards the sink and missed.
“Nee, Sasuke, you must be very proud of Sarada-chan. She is doing very well in the Academy.” Sakura smiled. It wasn’t friendly. “I’m sure you have asked her all about it.”
Her former teammate kept his silence, but Kagami would be lying if she didn’t think his gaze had darkened a hair. Across from Kagami, sitting beside her mother, Sarada was staring at the bowl of rice in her hands and almost shrunk into herself. Very different from the determined girl who had followed Kagami to the training grounds one day and never left.
Oh great. This time there was going to be collateral damage. Poke the dragon; don’t poke the dragon? Sarada shifted, and glanced up at her cousin. Kagami pointedly arched one eyebrow and rolled her eyes at her cousin and was rewarded with a small smile.
Fine.
Poke the dragon.
“Of course, Sarada is doing well in the Academy, kaa-san.” Kagami said lightly, dipping a piece of fish into some sauce. “She is going to be Hokage one day.” She was certainly stubborn enough to get there- Sarada had kept getting up from the dirt everytime Kagami put her down, knowing fully that she was outclassed by her cousin.
All the attention that had been on her cousin and her uncle was now on Kagami, as planned. Kagami made a show of biting into the fish, ignoring the rest of the table and added, “This is delicious, Hinata-sama.”
“Yes,” Itachi swooped in, catching on to Kagami’s game with only a glance at her. Distract and avoid. Of course her father caught on. “Where do you shop, Hinata-san?”
The conversation, successfully turned to food and benefits of marinating, became a bit more bearable. Kagami risked a look back to her cousin, who was finally sitting with a straight back again… and had a disturbing look of awe on her face.
“Do you believe that?” Sarada asked, intently watching her cousin’s face.
An unintentioned moment of opportunity- Kagami made a point of not missing those. “Of course.”
“Why would you want to be Hokage?” Boruto jumped in. A shame, Kagami had hoped he would have been intimidated by the company at the table and would keep his silence. “It’s a dumb position anyway.”
“Shut-up, Boruto.” Sarada cut-in before Kagami could. Her cousin didn’t deflate though, so Kagami was going to count it as a win. Building up her cousin had taken her attention away from the ‘adults’ in the room though, and Kagami felt the spike of chakra on her left.
It was Sakura, and her carefully crafted smile seemed strained. “Care to repeat that, Uchiha?”
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed a hair, and he was definitely gearing up to respond when his wife, Karin cut-in. “Sasuke. Don’t.” She warned softly.
“Stay out of this, Karin.” He replied equally soft. Then, a little louder, he continued unheeded. “I said that we need to look at adding your children to the Uchiha genealogy records.”
Oh shi- Beside her, her own father tensed and tapped his finger against the table three times. His instructions were clear- if it came to blows Kagami was to grab Yuuto and Himawari and evacuate the apartment. “My children,” Sakura said, her voice clear and strong, “Are members of the Haruno clan. They are not Uchiha.”
“You married an Uchiha, my brother.” It was hard to get a read on her uncle, but Kagami wondered if there wasn’t anger there. “Though you did not have the approval of the Clan Head.”
“Your brother married into the Haruno Clan, not the other way around.” Sakura countered and there was no mistaking the anger in her voice, or the creak of the ceramic in her hand. “And we need no one’s approval to do anything, let alone your’s.”
“Itachi was never disowned. He is an Uchiha.” Sasuke replied in that irritatingly calm and controlled voice; he had somehow ignored the fact his brother was right across the table from him.
Her mother was unbowed, “Then he would be the Uchiha Clan Head, not you, and we still wouldn’t need your approval.”
“You still could have told me that you were marrying my brother-“
“Oh! Is that what this is about?! We sent you the invitation and you never bothered to show up!”
“Right. The invitation you sent after you had a child-”
Well. This was getting awkward.
The options Kagami had at the moment weren’t great. It was clear that someone was going to get stabbed or smushed In the near future and there was a distinct chance that Kagami could be one of them. Kagami sat at a table filled with individuals who flirted with the title of ‘God of Shinobi’, and held no illusions to what would happen to her if got caught in the crossfire.
So while most of the adults were distracted trying to prevent the complete annihilation of the dining room, Kagami reached out her arm to wrap around both Yuuto and Himawari and pulled them closer to her. Her father glanced at her, quirked an eyebrow and pointedly looked at Sarada and Boruto, sitting entranced as they watched Sakura and Sasuke come closer and closer to blows. Team Seven blow-ups were usually spectacular, but better viewed from a distance.
Kagami scowled at her father and stared right back at him. She was good, but not good enough to grab four youth and escape with them before her mother or uncle noticed. Yuuto and Himawari were starting to squirm by the time her father let out a sigh of resignation, visibly shifted his weight and prepared to move very fast.
Between substitutions and shunshin, Kagami landed on top of the Godaime’s head of the Hokage Monument within moments of vacating the apartment. If Sakura or Sasuke wanted to find the kids, they would have to get past the Hokage Tower, and thereby the Hokage. At which point, they would have to explain everything to their teammate.
Less than a second behind, her father landed beside her with Sarada and Boruto under his arms. The blond was yelling, “-ll do you think you’re doing! Let me go!”
Her father acquiesced and let go, leaving Boruto scrambling to catch himself, to set Sarada down gently. The young Uchiha blinked up at her uncle, “Thank you.”
“You are welcome.” Itachi replied smoothly, he turned slightly to Kagami. “I have to get back.”
Kagami gave a half-heart wave as she set her brother and Himawari down, “Good luck with that, tou-san.”
It was a testimony to how screwed up the situation was when her father, who was hard to read at the best of times, actually rolled his eyes and sighed loud enough for her to hear it before mumbling something that sounded like, “I’ll probably need it.” and disappeared.
“Well,” Boruto started, somewhat put out by the fact he had, in essence, been kidnapped, “Now what?”
Kagami blinked but Himawari beat her to it, “We wait for the adults to grow up.” The younger Uzumaki sat down facing the setting sun. Yuuto followed suit with plop and promptly launched into the medical properties of the tree species he could see.
In the far off distance, smoke began rising from the training ground near the Hokage’s Residence. Periodically, huge chunks of earth would launch into the sky and come crashing back down again- definitely her mother’s handiwork- only to be sliced in half-courtesy of her uncle Kagami assumed. With a blink, her Sharingan flicked on and the battle became clear.
It wasn’t a serious fight, more like an... exhuburent spar. There were no summons running around, and the damage was contained. They were probably shouting at each other, but the likelihood of someone dying seemed to have dissipated.
Sarada was staring at her again when Kagami let her Sharingan go. “You have three tomoe. In both eyes.” The Uchiha frowned, “But I thought the Sharingan only appeared in Uchiha with black eyes?”
Repeating her mother’s lecture on genetics and the importance of not breeding with blood relatives would probably not go over well. It had been a mistake to ask Sakura about why the Hyuuga looked all the same after she had finished a 12 hour shift. So, Kagami shrugged, “Maybe the Sharingan can only awaken in black or green eyes.”
There was stubbornness in Sarada’s gaze, and it was definitely not the glint of her glasses. “You’re going to train me.” The Uchiha announced with all the haughtiness that came from being in a noble family.
Kagami blinked, and without skipping a beat said, “Not a chance.”
(Kagami should have known her stance was a lost cause then and there, because Sarada’s personal hero was one Uzumaki Naruto, Genin Hokage of Konoha, and Sarada did her level best to emulate her hero in all aspects of training- his stubbornness included.)
“I’ll convince you then.” Sarada declared.
“I doubt it.” Kagami shook her head, and pulled out a small storage scroll that contained a handful of home cooked meals. It was a trick she picked up from one of her teammates who hated rations with a passion. Ever since she had heard these meals were going to be a repeat occurrence, she had started stocking them, just in case. “Who wants dango?”
Less than five minutes later the Hokage showed up, flustered and looking more than a little put out. “Haruno!” You kidnapped my kids?” Kagami arched a single eyebrow, not bothering to take the dango stock out of her mouth, and pointed to the dust cloud in the distance.
Silence stretched as the Hokage realized exactly who was causing the ruckus. “But Sakura-chan is the grown-up.” He mumbled to himself.
To that, Kagami removed the stick from her mouth and said, “Uchiha-san thinks Yuuto and I should be Uchiha. Ka-san disagrees.” She pulled out the scroll again, “Dango?”
Kagami waited until the Hokage was sitting and chewing on his first bite of the sweet treat to absently add, “I know I’m a little old, but do you think it’s too late for me to kill my entire family?”
The reaction Kagami got would comfort her during the inevitable lecture from her mother later. Bits of dango flew everywhere- some even came out of the Hokage’s nose- and the older blond was coughing and hacking, tears gathered at the corners of very wide eyes as he fought to gather his breath to shout at her or something.
Cheerfully, Kagami took another bite of her dessert, listened to the sounds of her adoptive uncle choking to death, and watched dust clouds and boulders dance in the air in front of the setting sun.