Work Text:
Yes, I’m Changing - Tame Impala
This song is what I imagine playing when Richie is drifting though the streets of Derry on his way to the bus station.
As he walks, he almost looks like a zombie, cause he’s so lost in his thoughts and emotions.
He’s thinking about his mother. How no matter what he does, he’s never good enough for her, and she takes every chance to let him know.
He wonders if she will even notice that he’s missing. He knows his father will, but he probably wont care.
If he does, it’s only because now he wont his favorite punching bag to take his anger and frustration out on.
He thinks about how this will affect Eddie. He’s not certain if he would ever love him as much as he does Eddie, but he's certain his leaving will destroy him.
He decides to follow through with it anyways, because he believes Eddie (just like everyone else in his life) will be better off without him in the long run.
Richie would never ever do anything to hurt Eddie, if not absolutely necessary. (Like when he snapped Eddie’s forearm back in place!) He genuinely believes he’s doing something good for Eddie, by leaving him.
This is the worst night of Richie’s life.
Please Stay - The Crying Shames
Eddie arrives at the bus station, much to Richie’s surprise.
Dread and panic pool in Eddie’s heart at the sight of Richie with his dufflebag waiting for his bus.
Eddie has loved Richie since before he even knew his name and those feeling have only grown through their years together. He can’t even process the thought of Richie leaving him forever.
Eddie confessed his love for Richie, but the curly haired boy still decides its best for everyone if he leaves.
Richie smashes his lips against Eddies and says he feels the same way, but he still has to go.
In the heat of the moment, Eddie couldn’t care less if he comes across as a clingy emotional mess, he is willing to humiliate himself if it means he gets to keep the love of his life.
Eddie is literally BEGGING Richie to stay or at least let him come along … ANYTHING just as long as they are together!
Richie’s mind is made up.
“If you get on that bus, you’re dead to me, Richie! I mean it!”
“Eddie, how can you say that?”
“How can you leave me!? I just told you that I love you! I told you you’re all I have! I FUCKING BEGGED YOU RICHIE and you still decide to leave! And on top of it all you pretend like you’re doing ME a fucking favor!? NO! You’re abandoning me! You’ve breaking my heart and-and you don’t even fucking care!”
“YOU THINK IT DOESN’T HURT ME TOO, EDDIE? I WISH I COULD STAY AND BE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!”
“Your think you’re the only one who has it bad, Richie!? We both come from fucked up homes, so don’t give me that shit! You’re giving up! Don’t try to justify it with shitty excuses!"
“It’s not the fucking same Eds! You don’t live in a house where you fear for your fucking life! You never know that if this beating is gonna be the one that finally kills you!”
"Ugh! Richie. . ."
A Little While - Yellow Days
This song plays in the moments after they’ve both said what they have had to say.
Nothing but silence fills the space between them.
There is nothing else that needs to be said. They both know this is the end and there isn’t anything either of them can do to change their fate.
They were angry. Angry at each other, angry at life for the cards it dealt them, angry for being unable to change the world around them, and angry with themselves for being so stubborn.
They finally professed their undying love for each other and they didn’t get to enjoy that victory because they were too caught up in the finality of their confrontation.
There is a war going on in Eddie’s head. He is so furious at Richie and hurt by his decision to leave, but he is also actively trying to take in every second of their last moments together.
This was the last time he was going to see Richie and he just wanted to relish in his presence! Take him in! Memorize every detail … every freckle.
Richie is practically trying to telepathically say all the things he can’t articulate to Eddie.
He’s so sorry for the pain he’s inflicted on his Eds, but it has to be this way. It’s for the greater good.
As the bus approaches, their eyes don’t deviate from each other.
They are both desperately trying to will time to move a little slower, so they can be together just a little while longer.
It makes no difference. The bus stops and Eddie and Richie know…THIS is goodbye.
Eddie eyes begged Richie one final time, but the raven-haired boy just looked at him with an expression that relayed nothing but compunction. “Eds, please try to understand.”
“Fuck you.” Venom dripped from Eddie’s words and sizzled as it hit the ground. His leer burrowed deep into Richie’s, as his fist balled up so tight, his nails began to break the skin of his palms. “Fuck you, Richie.”
Richie had no words. He was stunned and heartbroken by Eddie’s sharp tongue, but also completely emotionally drained by their heated argument. His heart ached knowing that those would be the last words between the two of them.
They loved each other so fiercely, but sometimes love just wasn’t enough. Love doesn’t always conquer all and Richie knew this to be true, even if Eddie refused to admit it.
Mirror - Madison Ryan Ward
This is THE perfect song to explain how Richie feels about Eddie while the bus is driving away and he’s looking back at him through the window.
As the bus began to pull away, Richie turned to watch Eddie through the rear window with sobs erupting from the depths of his chest.
There stood his joy, his hope, and his guiding light broken and sobbing as he disappeared into the distance.
It was an image that would mar every one of Richie’s nightmares for years to come, even if he would no longer remember the young man’s name. Richie didn’t know what lied before him, but what he did know was that whatever it was, it would never compare to who he left he behind.
Eddie was the only person that loved him when no one else could find it in themselves to even try.
There was NOTHING before Eddie and there probably wont be anything after him, but staying with him would only be for himself.
Eddie was destined for great things, but he never would have achieved them with Richie dragging him back with his bullshit.
Richie would somehow find a way to turn them into his parents and Eddie DESERVED more. Better than him.
But he’s so grateful for all the love Eddie has brought into his life and is happy he built a home in his heart. He knows Eddie will always have a home in his heart and, despite his best efforts, he selfishly hopes he will always have one in Eddie’s.
He hopes Eddie will come to understand, they just weren’t meant for each other, no matter how deep their love ran.
Wake Up Alone (Demo Version) - Amy Winehouse
After Richie leaves, Eddie is in denial.
He dives into as much school work as he can find and enrolls in as many extracurricular activities as he can.
Anything to keep him distracted, cause whenever he’s not occupied, his thoughts drift back to Richie's absence and it becomes real.
But when the sun sets and Eddie has no where to hide and nothing to distract him.
His room is literally Hell on Earth.
Everything in it reminds him of Richie. Especially his window.
Richie will never sneak into his room at night. They’ll never stay up all night looking up at the stars talking about their hopes and dreams. He’ll never get to hold Richie until he falls asleep. He’ll never again wake up with Richie wrapped in his arms.
His bedroom is a constant reminder of everything that was, could have been, and will never be.
Most nights, Eddie puts on one of Richie’s old shirts (cause it still faintly smells like him) and cries himself to sleep.
Come morning though, Eddie goes back into his routine and lets himself get swept up by the day.
"If you don’t think about it, it never happened, Eddie. So, just don't think about it! DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!"
Mike is the only person that would have noticed Richie was gone, so he avoids him as much as he can.
Mike is so busy that it takes him two weeks to finally notice Richie is missing, but when he does he goes straight to Eddie. Eddie is very brief and always comes up with some excuse to leave abruptly before Mike has a chance to ask him anything.
Mike isn’t stupid, though. He knows Eddie and so he’s certain something is up.
Mike sees Eddie is wearing himself thin. He’s thinner than ever, his eyes are sunken in, and he’s pale as a ghost.
He tries visiting Eddie, but he’s never home. He tries to talk to him in class, but Eddie shushes him. Eddie does everything he can think of to avoid having an actual conversation with Mike and Hanlon gets fed up with it.
So, one day after school, Eddie is heading to debate team (or whatever the fuck) and Mike grabs him and drags him into an empty class room.
“Okay, what the hell is going on, Eddie!?”
“I don’t know, you tell me! You’re the one holding me hostage!”
“Don’t play stupid Eddie! Where the fuck is Richie?”
“I don’t know! Probably locked up in his room or something!”
“Eddie!”
“I don’t fucking know, okay?”
“How would YOU not know? Eddie, I KNOW something is going on and you need to tell me right fucking now!”
“Fuck, Mike, just drop it! Seriously, just let it fucking go!”
“NO! Richie has been gone for three weeks, and you look like shit! I know something is wrong and I can’t help you fix it if you don’t let me in! Just let me help you!”
“Okay, FINE! You wanna know? You REALLY wanna know?”
“Yes!”
“He left! HE FUCKING LEFT!”
“What the hell do you mean he left? Where to? Why?”
“He just fucking left, Mikey! He said it was all too much and he left … he just left me!”
“Eddie …”
“I told him I loved him and-and he left me! I begged him to stay, Mike, but I wasn’t enough for him! He was EVERYTHING to me, but he couldn’t even care enough about me to stay! . . . What’s wrong with me, Mikey? . . . Why doesn’t he love me? Why…”
Mike took Eddie in his arms and held on tight to him while the smaller boy sobbed with his head buried in his chest.
It was like the floodgates had just opened and reality hit Eddie like a freight train.
There was no more running away from it. Saying it out loud for the first time made it real.
Oh Sailor - Fiona Apple
Immediately after Eddie told Mike the truth, he sunk into a deep depression.
Mike tried to be there for his last remaining best friend.
He visited him every chance he had and they made it a point to go out for dinner or a movie every saturday. Anything to get Eddie out of his room.
Sleepovers had become a regular thing, cause Mike knew how torturous it was for Eddie to sleep in his own room … his own bed, alone.
Even with all of Mike help (fuck, this kid is a fucking angel!) Eddie still felt empty.
Every thing in Derry was a reminder of Richie.
The Quarry, The Ice Cream Shop, the Arcade, School, Downtown, Their Neighborhood, His house, his room … his bed.
Everyone one of his thoughts were plagued by Richie!
It was such a blessed curse to now know what could have been instead.
Richie actually felt the same all along!
That whole time, they could have been together!
Eddie almost wishes Richie hadn’t told him, that way it might have not hurt as much.
Now that Eddie wasn’t running around like he used to, mornings are especially difficult.
Every night he would fall asleep staring at his window, hoping for Richie to just crawl in like he used to and say he changed his mind. That he still loved Eddie and came back to him, but he never did.
Then that following morning he would wake up with dried tear tracks on his cheeks and for a moment he’d forget that Richie was gone. He’d reach over to Richie’s side of the bed out of instinct, but he wasn’t there. He never was. It was like losing him all over again, every morning.
How could Richie just abandon him? Did he even really ever love Eddie?
And if he really did love him, why did he leave him so easily?
Maybe he didn’t really love him, and just felt sorry for him. He just wanted to spare Eddie the rejection after he confessed his feeling.
Richie couldn’t love him! How could anyone?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter if Richie loved him or not. HE still loved RICHIE and all he wants if for him to come back.
Eddie was so confused and heartbroken.
Everything in Eddie’s life was now dull and bland. Without Richie, he had nothing. Everything he had to look forward to would have a painful and very imposing before.
All of Eddie’s goals, hopes, and dreams were envisioned with Richie by his side. It was never an afterthought or even an option… they were RICHE AND EDDIE! Now, he had to start redesigning his future without his Richie. No, he wasn’t his anymore. It was now just Eddie and Eddie alone.
Special - Garbage
After a few months pass, Eddie’s depression evolves into anger and resentment for Richie!
No matter what Eddie did, he couldn’t stop loving Richie and if he couldn’t stop loving him, he couldn't stop missing him. If he couldn’t stop missing him, he’d never be able to let go of him and move one.
Richie had condemned him to a life of longing and misery.
All Eddie ever did was love him, and this is how he repaid him.
Eddie decides that his only solution is to leave. If he can’t remember Richie, he won’t miss him and hopefully in time he’d stop loving him altogether.
The only thing that made Eddie second guess his decision was Mike.
Mike and Eddie had always been best friends, but they had grown so much closer in the months leading up to graduation.
Eddie wants to leave, but is afraid he would be abandoning Mike the way Richie had left him.
Mike was nothing if not a saint and he didn’t deserve that.
So Eddie explains everything to Mike and asks for guidance.
“You should go.”
“No, Mike! I can’t leave you behind!"
"You can't stay in Derry for the rest of your life, Eddie. You need to go live your life!"
"Why dont you come with me to NYU!? We can start a new life away from this hell hole!”
“Someone has to stay. Someone has to remember for when It comes back.”
“Mikey, if I leave and you stay … I’m going to forget you. I dont want to forget you! Please?”
“If you don’t forget me, you'll never forget the rest of the losers. You’ll never forget Richie. Eddie, you’ve suffered enough for a lifetime. Go! I want you to go.”
“… and you wont hate me?”
“Eddie, I could never hate you! You and I are bros for life! I want you to be happy and if leaving is going to help you do that, then how could I ever hate you for leaving. Plus, it’s MY decision to stay!”
“I’m going to miss you.”
“Only at first.”
“No! . . . Always.”
Eddie and Mike say their goodbyes when the time comes.
Eddie surrounds himself with pictures of Mike and he tries to call him everyday in an attempt to not forget.
But eventually he forgets who the boy in the pictures is and the calls become less frequent.
Then they stop all together.
These next songs are about Richie and Eddie during the 20 years away from Derry and each other. All their memories have faded so they can’t remember each other, so these songs essentially are how their hearts feel. Their hearts are no longer blocked by their thoughts, so this is how they truly feel. Unadulterated emotion, no longer muddled by memories.
Daydreamer - Adele
If hearts could have thoughts, this is how Richie’s would remember Eddie.
His Eds. Beautiful with golden skin, wavy locks, and amber eyes soaking in the sunlight and a heart made of gold.
Brave and Loyal, even in the most difficult of times.
His damn shorts!
Even with all this time and distance, Richie still loves Eddie as much as the last time he saw him. He might not know it, but that love is still there.
Sometimes when he’s lost in thought, he gets little fragments of memories of a boy doesn’t recognize.
A strange boy that people don’t understand, but he’s sure that if they gave him the chance they would love him, just as much as he thinks he might.
A boy so special and pure that the world wasn’t really ready for him, didn't know what to do with him, and so it hurt him.
A boy whose love could move mountains and stop an avalanche in it’s tracks.
A boy that was like the moon and made Richie feel like the ocean, forever under his spell. Forever in love.
A smile spreads across his lips and a warm fuzzy feeling fills his chest.
Fool For You - Duffy
This song's lyrics and mean don't fit perfectly, but this is more so about the overall vibe of the song.
Eddie might not remember Richie, but he still misses him.
He can’t explain why, but he just always feels he is waiting for someone or like someone is waiting for him.
Sometimes he just cries, for what he thinks is no reason, especially at night.
Most mornings, he still reaches for Richie.
When he lies down with another person, he feels a sort of guilt that he can’t quite understand. “This isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s supposed to feel.” He pulls away from whomever is with him in bed and faces the other side.
It just feel like he’s incomplete.
Songs remind him of a love he never had.
Like the stories these songs tell are things he’s experienced. The lingering touches, bashful smiles, staying up all night talking, gazing up at the stars, fingers intertwined, holding on to someone as you drift away, … a passionate kiss.
But then if someone asks him if he’s ever been in love, he always says “no.” Because he hasn’t. Right?
Make The World Go Away - Timi Yuro
Even after Richie has an established career in the entertainment industry, he still feels lonely.
Maybe even more so, after.
When Richie dreamed of being an entertainer, he thought it would cure the aching in his heart, but he feels just as miserable.
Everyone around him is fake and only interested in him because of his fame and fortune.
When he’s in a crowded room full of his “closest friends” he might as well be in his room, smoking his life away. He feels just as alone as if he were.
He would give anything to have someone who would just want to spend time with him. Call him out for making shitty joke, not tell him what he wants to hear all the time. Someone who is actually concerned about him and loves him for him. Someone who would smile when he entered the room and would miss him when he left.
Someone like Eddie.
Some nights when Richie’s depression gets really bad, he goes out for a walk. He roams through the streets of his neighborhood aimlessly.
It feels familiar to do this.
He feels like there is some place he wants to walk to (maybe a certain angry anxious boy’s house) but he can’t think of a destination.
So he just keeps walking.
Art Exhibit -Young the Giant
Just like the night when Richie left and Eddie some how knew to come to him. Just as they always found each other, Richie and Eddie reunited in their dreams.
And in their dreams together they remembered everything.
But this doesn't incite any arguing. They just talk.
“Richie, was I not there for you enough? What more could I have done? What more could I have given you? What would have made you stay?”
“Nothing. This is just what was meant to be.”
“But I NEED you. I love you.”
“You don’t need me Eds, you’re better off without me. You’re stronger than you think you are.”
Neither is sure if these dreams are real, but they still talk to each other as if they were. (they are.)
“Do you think you could ever forgive me?”
“I don’t know, Richie.”
“Do you still love me?”
“No matter what you do, who you become, no matter how much time passes … even if every single one of my memories fades away and, come morning, I can no longer remember your name . . I will always love you. Even after everything you've done.”
They joke around about old memories and just cruise down memory lane while they sit one on Eddie’s roof and stare up at the night sky.
It’s almost like no time had passed. Like nothing had happened. They are as they once were . . . how they were meant to be, but …weren’t and would never be.
When morning come, all memories of the dreams disappear like they never happened.
"Eds?"
"Hm?"
"Do you look forward to seeing me every night?"
"Honestly? No. During the day I can't remember your face, or your voice, or even your name, so I have nothing to look forward to. But I do miss you. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I still miss you even if I cant picture you. I miss you just as much as the last time I saw you."
"I miss you, too, Eddie Spaghetti."
"Don't call me that."
Still Beating - Mac DeMarco
20 years later, the loser are called back to Derry for the final battle.
This song happens when Eddie finally arrives at the Hanlon Farm to meet the rest of the losers, but only Richie remembers what happened.
When he looks at Eddie, he think about how he never meant to hurt him and the immense regret he carries.
Whenever he sees Eddie’s smile or hears his laugh, he is made more and more certain that his heart only existed to beat for his Eds.
He desperately wants Eddie to know that he still loves him just as much as he did all those years ago, even if he didn’t show it the
right way.
Like seriously, he’s an anxious panicky mess!
All he wants is to talk to Eddie alone, but Mike is blocking every opportunity he has.
He knows that Mike is the only other person that knows what happened, and he wants to feel ashamed, but he’s too focused on Eddie.
This is the moment Richie has been waiting 20 years for and he’s not gonna let Mike stop him.
This is his chance to win back the man of his dreams, literally. All he needs is a chance to apologize.
He does just that once they have their private conversation in the Kitchen.
But things do go the way he thought they would.
Two Ghosts - Harry Styles
It’s difficult to explain the situation they are in.
When they look into each other’s eyes, they can see the people they were, but aren’t anymore. Like the person that stood before them was entirely new, but constructed over a foundation that was the person they loved.
It wasn’t about appearances! Richie still thought Eddie was gorgeous and Richie could still make Eddie swoon.
No it was something deeper. It was something only Richie and Eddie could see in each other.
They were both just different, weathered by time and heartache, but the love was still there.
In the breaks between the shouts and tears, they both ruminate on how all they ever needed was each other. They used to be able to spend hours alone, locked away in Eddie's room, but now they couldn’t even be in the same room together. It hurt.
All they both want is to just run into each other’s arms and forget everything that had happened, but the people they had become were standing in the way.
I’d Rather Not - Emeli Sande
Eddie loves Richie, simple as that!
Nothing came before him or after him. Richie was his first love, even before he ever knew what that word really meant.
When they read comic books in Richie’s room, not having said a word in over an hour, Eddie used to think “I’d rather do nothing with him than do anything with anyone else.”
Richie brought something out in Eddie that he didn’t even know he had in him. Eddie was kind and loyal, but Richie taught him to be brave and resilient.
Richie was like the sun. He brought joy into Eddie’s life when it was at it’s bleakest.
Richie made Eddie want to be better. He made Eddie want to be successful. All Eddie ever wanted was to give Richie the world! Provide for him, care for him, protect and love him.
All Eddie ever wanted was Richie.
That’s why Eddie knew he had to reject Richie’s pleas to take him back, to rekindle their romance.
Richie was just as dangerous. Just as dangerous as Eddie’s love for him.
If Eddie took Richie back, he could never allow him get used to him, because at any moment he could pull away.
Eddie only knew how to love intensely! If he and Richie got back together, he would build his universe around him, just as he did 20 years ago.
So little of who Eddie was 20 years ago remained and if Richie broke his heart again there would be nothing left.
He didn’t doubt that Richie’s love was genuine, but Richie was wild and reckless, especially with Eddie’s heart. It was a risk he couldn’t take. Not again.
As Mike had told him all those years ago, he had suffered enough.
Richie left Eddie because he thought it was the best thing for him, never taking into account what Eddie wanted, now Eddie had to do the same.
Eddie wanted to take Richie back, but he knew the best thing for him was to walk away.
So he me Richie's gaze and simply said “I’d rather not.”
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
If the last 20 years served as a reliable example, Eddie knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would never stop loving Richie.
It was scary to think that soon they were both going to go back to their regular lives and they would forget everything all over again. They would go back to how they were, living a life of nameless anguish.
Eddie wondered if he would overcoming this.
Could he every truly be happy living a life without Richie? If he took him back would he be able to live with himself? It was a lose-lose situation, but which loss hurt less?
Maybe in another life, it will be different.
But for now Eddie has to focus on the one he has to live out now.
And he does because Eddie doesn’t fucking die during the final battle. Fuck you Stephen, you bow-legged bitch!
By The Way - Lee Hazelwood
This song is what I imagine plays when they say their final goodbyes.
All the other losers had already left and now it was just them.
Richie doesn’t want to say goodbye. He wants to beg Eddie, just as he had begged Richie that night long ago.
But he doesn’t want to be selfish. All he wants is for Eddie to be happy, even if it means he wont be.
Eddie might not occupy the home he had build in Richie’s heart, but Richie will forever carry it with him.
Richie is certain he will love Eddie more each day, with every breath he takes, every smile he fakes, and every moment he’s awake….and even when he’s not.
There is so many things Richie wants to say, but all he can bring himself to say is. “So, this is goodbye?"
"It would appear so."
"Well, if you’re ever in LA, feel free to ring me up!”
“Okay, I will.” They both knew that was a lie.
“Well, so long Eds! Good luck.”
Eddie leaned up on the tips of his toe and pressed his lips gently to Richie’s but pulled away before Richie had a chance to kiss back. “Bye, Richie.”
"Bye, Eds."
No One’s Gonna Love You (More Than I Do) - Band Of Horses
This song is what plays while Richie is on his flight to LA and Eddie is driving back to NYC.
They’re thinking about each other. They are both trying desperately to hold on to their memories of each other, because they know soon they are going to forget.
Even after everything, neither of them wanted to forget.
“No one is every gonna love you more than I do …” they both whisper to themselves.
You’re Gonna Live Forever In Me - John Mayer
No matter where life leads them or how much time passes, Eddie and Richie’s love for one another will always live within them.
They grew up together, molded each other, helped each other become the men they were today. They shared every milestone, every first, and plenty of lasts through their formative years. They were together in the lowest point of their lives and they were each other brightest part as well.
“You’re gonna live forever in me.” Richie says as he lies in bed after his flight home.
“You’re gonna live forever in me.” Eddie says as he stares up at the stars from the balcony of his apartment.
“You’re gonna live forever in me.” Richie says on the nights he roams through the streets of LA with no destination in mind.
“You’re gonna live forever in me.” Eddie says as he clings to the newspaper with the headline that reads “Beloved entertainer Richie Tozier passes away at 75.
“You’re Gonna Live Forever in ME” Eddie says as he closes his eye for the final time.
Oh Maker - Janelle Monae
This fucking song is what inspired the whole fucking fic, so I don’t think this would need an explanation! Its literally this fic in song form.
“Oh Maker tell me did you know, this love would burn so yellow,
becoming orange and in it’s time,
explode from grey to black,
then bloody wine.
Perhaps what I mean to say,
is that it’s amazing that your love was mine.”