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I remember the first time it snowed, but I despised it. Every year, the first day it snowed marked the day that something bad would happen. When I was ten my dog had died. When I was fourteen my parents divorced. When I was sixteen my boyfriend had broken up with me. During the summer was when I was safe. I loved the summer, it was filled with romance, swimming, and fireworks. Summer is when I met my fiance, Ross, one of the loves of my life, other than my best friend, Arin. They both shine their light into the darkness of my heart.
Ross had picked November for a wedding. He said it was about how it was a tradition in his family. My anxiety had been wracked up because of this, but he had managed to calm me down.
“Danny, please. It’s gonna be alright.” Ross says with a tinge of annoyance in his voice before he kisses me on the cheek.“Besides, it might not even snow!” He said while he threw up his arms a bit.
When I woke up on the day of my wedding, I immediately look out my window to see an inch of snow outside, and even more flakes falling down. I quickly realized that today would not end well, one way or another. Maybe Ross’ dad would have a heart attack or my parents would start to fight in the middle of the ceremony. Whatever it was, today is not going to be good. But I told myself it would all be worth it in the end. In the end, I would marry Ross. In the end that’s what this is all for. I smile just at the thought of seeing him walking toward me with that big stupid grin on his face.
Suddenly my mind began to race with doubts and fears I had about this wedding. Was I ready for this? Was I ready to be married? Sure, I love Ross, but is it enough? Ever since I proposed things have been off. He had said yes but his eyes told me something different, like he was hiding something from me. Last night, as we said goodbye, I could see the same strange look in his eyes. Did he not want to marry me? No, I shake my head and start to loosen and tighten my tie. It was nothing. Just nerves I’m sure. We’re going to get married and have a happy ending like in those fairytales my mom used to read me. We’ll be fine.
Soon enough it was time. I walked down the aisle, ready to start my new life. Snow would no longer haunt me. Ross was my summer and he will melt the snow. Minutes pass and soon the wedding march plays. I thought it was such a godawful song, but he insisted to walk down to it because he knew it annoyed me. My hands start to shake, just at the anticipation of seeing him. I was waiting to see the sun. More minutes pass and I get even more nervous. Flakes of snow haunt me from the colorful windows as people began to whisper. I just keep smiling as I run my hands over my hair, trying to smooth out my untamable jewfro.
Arin, who was my best man, taps me on the shoulder and whispers to me that he’s going to check up on him. Before he even gets back, I already know. Arin walks to me and just shakes his head, no words needed. He makes an announcement but I don’t hear a word. All I see is the worried glances from Arin and the pity stares from my family and friends. I would never be able to break the glass with him. Arin takes my hand and leads me out of the chapel and into his car. I barely feel anything and as he leads me there, I feel weightless.
He pulls up to his house and I stumble out of the car into the snow. I throw myself out of his car in a fit of rage. I punch the ground, aiming for the snow that lays upon it, cursing at it and throwing handfuls of freezing snow at nothing in particular. I feel hot tears stream down my face. I’m crying. I’m crying so much I barely see Arin kneel down and take my freezing and shaking fists into his warm hands. I can’t hear what he says and I can’t see the tears in his eyes. He takes me into a tender hug and a wave of realization slaps me in the face. I was suddenly caught in flashbacks of my past. The tender hug of my mother as she told me that she and my dad and her were getting divorced. The stern looks on my dad’s face when he realized my dog was dead. The pity in my ex boyfriend's eyes as he leaves me. I realize that it wasn’t the snow's fault, it was my fault. Everything that had ever happened to me on the first day it snowed was my fault. I forgot to give my dog enough food and water when I was ten. My parents divorced because I was always in the way of their relationship and I was a burden. My boyfriend found someone who was better than me, and that’s why he broke up with me. I was entirely sure it was my fault, all of it. This time, maybe I was too much, too dark for him. It was me. Arin takes my hands and guides me into his house, the only place that doesn't remind me of Ross. I collapse on the couch, still in my sopping wet tuxedo, but I couldn’t feel the cold. I couldn’t feel anything, I was numb. I see Arin go off to change and I just lay there, practically lifeless. “It was me, it was all me, it’s my fault…” Before I knew it, I was asleep.
I had dreams of sadness and never ending darkness clouding over me. I screamed for someone, anyone, who would help me. The darkness began to close in with each second passing, I collapsed on the ground and cover my head. I hear a familiar voice calling my name, and it keeps getting louder. I awaken to see Arin’s face with a panicked expression shaking my shoulders violently.
“Dan! Are you alright? You were calling my name and you were crying, did you have a nightmare?” I didn’t answer him immediately, but I quickly sat up from the couch and quickly wiped the tears from my face. He still looked extremely worried but I could tell he was trying to stay calm for me.
“Y-yeah I did…” I stopped for a moment to process what he said. “I said your name?” I felt my face become extremely hot and I became uncomfortable in my suit.
“Yeah, you did. I was on the phone with-” he stopped suddenly, and he restarted and continued. “I was on the phone when I heard you. You were curled up on the couch and crying…” He twiddled his thumbs and messed with his hair. He tucked the blonde streak in his hair behind his ear. His hair was in a small bun and he was in his pajamas, and he was just as handsome as I ever remembered. “I was really worried Dan, I was worried that Ross wasn’t going to show up today, and I was right…” He sighed and rested his elbows on his knees.
I turned towards him and look at him directly in his chocolate brown eyes. “It was me, wasn’t it? Why he left… it was my fault, right?” I said shakily, I felt tears flooding my eyes and I quickly wipe them away. Arin slowly turns to me with a confused expression on his face.
“What? Dan, no of course not! It wasn’t your fault at all...” He took my hands in his and intertwined his thick fingers in my thinner ones. He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled as he began to speak. “Danny… it was all me. Ross abandoned you because of… me.” My heart stopped, I didn’t blink, I did nothing. I was lifeless once more, my best friend had ruined my wedding. I felt my anger begin to build up in my chest, I clenched my hands tightly, accidentally crushing Arin’s fingers between my own. I quickly realized what I was doing and stopped immediately.
“Shit… I’m sorry Arin, I didn’t-” I quickly tried to apologize but he cut me off.
“It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to.” He chuckled and and ran his thumbs over my hands. “But what I mean is that Ross left because… I… I love you, Dan.” He said this as he looked directly into my eyes. I was in shock for the third time in one day. I feel my face heat up again and I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. “Ross knew that I was in love with you and he knew that it would crush me to marry you…but I had found out that Ross didn’t even want to marry you. That’s what the phone call was about. I’m so sorry you had to find out about all of this at once and I’m so embarrassed about having to explain this to y-“ He was rambling and I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell him to stop. Instead I gently cupped his face with one hand and put the other on his neck and brought him closer for me to kiss him. I felt him start to panic but he quickly relaxed and returned the kiss. He put his hand on my chest, and I realized that this kiss was the only one that has ever felt so right. During his rant I had realized how oblivious I was to his love, he had been my best friend for years and he always dropped hints that I blew off as jokes. But now, being here with him, it made me realize that I blew him off because I was scared. I was scared to ruin the one thing that mattered most to me. I wasn’t scared anymore. Being here, kissing him, I was not scared.
I pulled back from the kiss and Arin’s face was a bright crimson, and I couldn’t help but laugh, he looked adorable. He sheepishly looked away and I gently took his face to make him look at me. I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Do you regret it?” Arin said, looking unsure.
“I’d do it again.” I realized that certain things in life aren’t always my fault, and I shouldn’t blame everything on my own doings. Some things are just out of my own control, and I need to learn how to not blame myself for the things that happened and will happen to me. Arin helped me realize that I wasn’t marrying Ross for the right reasons. I wanted Ross because he was safe, for the cookie cutter life I could’ve had with him, not because I was in love with him. “Absolutely not. I regret almost marrying Ross. But kissing you may be the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. I’m not over him yet, so I’ll need some time of course. I am going to miss him, but that kiss is a promise. A promise that I’m going to learn to be alright without him and I just hope you’ll be waiting for me.” I say gently grazing my thumb over his cheek.
“Of course Dan, I understand. I’ll wait for as long as it takes, and I’m here for you. Always.”
“One more kiss for the road?” I say with a smile. He rolls his eyes at me and leans in to gently presses his lips into mine. I feel a spark of electricity that runs through my veins that makes me not want to leave.
Unwillingly, I pull away. If I don’t leave now, I know I never will. I gather up my phone and my jacket and open his front door. I look back at him, and he is standing now. He looks sad to see me leave, but he smiles at me anyways. I smile at him once more as I leave his house. I close the door behind me and feel tears prick my eyes, it will be a while until I recover from Ross, and recover from the embarrassment of being left at the altar. In the end, it will all be worth it. As long as I have Arin, everything will be alright. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I realize that the snow has melted. I smile to myself as I begin the long walk home.