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Ryan took a deep breath and ducked through the open door of Colin's dressing room. "Col?" he called, just as Colin came into view.
His old friend's face lit up in a smile. "Oh, hey, Ry. C'mon in." He patted the small couch against the far wall of the dressing room, and Ryan sagged into it, relieved to get off his feet. Getting older sucked, and he was sure he didn't even know the half of it yet...
After a moment Colin joined him, their hips pressing together companionably. His smile faltered when he saw the look in Ryan's eyes. "What's up?" he asked.
Ryan sighed, because he should have known he couldn't hide his feelings from Colin. "I just came to say I'm sorry. If I went too far, you know, with the ring thing." During today's taping, he had asked Colin for his wedding ring so he could "propose" to him during a game of "Greatest Hits", and he wasn't sure if that had been crossing a line. Colin could get testy when it came to his wife and marriage, and Ryan didn't want to leave without making sure there were no hard feelings.
But Colin just grinned at him like it wasn't anything at all. "You seem to like to propose to me onstage," he said, giving Ryan a speculative look.
Ryan nodded, because he knew he couldn't deny that. "Yeah, well, there's just something about you I guess..." he said, bumping a teasing hip against Colin's.
Colin snorted and briefly leaned his head against Ryan's in an easy show of affection that Ryan adored. "What, my baldness?"
"Nah," said Ryan, his voice growing serious. "Your smile, actually. Those dimples..." And before he could stop himself he traced one of Colin's cheeks with his thumb.
Colin gasped, and Ryan stiffened, waiting for Colin to pull away, to steer the subject into safer waters, the way he always did when Ryan got too close to the mark. To his surprise, Colin nodded, and his eyes fluttered closed under Ryan's touch, giving acknowledgment and consent all at once. And then Ryan was the one caught off-guard, because Colin had never allowed him to take such liberties before. Oh, they bantered, they flirted, they implied. They'd danced their relentless Ryan-and-Colin tango all through the years, never missing a beat. But coming right out and saying things plainly? That had always been off limits.
And here Ryan was, still trying to do the tango he'd grown accustomed to, while behind his back Colin had changed it into the fucking Electric Slide. It was no wonder Ryan blurted out, "If I had given you a ring, would you have-- would you have taken it?" He hadn't exactly meant to voice this decades-old thought, but there it was, out in the open, and it wasn't like he could take it back...
Colin blinked, and Ryan wondered if he was reeling too. "What?" was all he said, and he barely managed that.
"In another life? Would you want to... I mean, would we have made a better us?" Ryan knew he wasn't making any sense, knew that Colin was watching him with those wide brown eyes, but he also knew that they needed to have this conversation sometime. And maybe now wasn't exactly the right time, but what if there never was a right time?
Colin paused, and Ryan held his breath, sure that now that things had gone even deeper, Colin would revert back to his usual cheery patter. He almost got the shock of his life when Colin said in a hesitant voice, "Maybe, in another life, we would have been good..."
"Are you kidding?" Ryan scoffed. "We would have been great together and you know it."
"Yeah, maybe we would have," Colin admitted, a sad smile flitting across his face like a shadow. "So, what happened, then?"
"Yeah, what did happen?" Ryan still couldn't believe they were talking about this, that Colin was actually receptive after so many long years of getting shut out whenever Ryan dropped even the barest of hints...
"Well," said Colin, tentatively touching Ryan's knee. "You were already with Pat..."
"So?" Ryan said, brushing his knuckles along Colin's, knowing how that never failed to make him shiver from years of experience.
Colin let out a nervous laugh. "Come on, you love Pat."
Ryan leaned in. "I love you..." he breathed.
Colin gulped and flinched back. "I didn't know that," he said to his lap.
Ryan shook his head in disbelief. "What? That's crap. I told you I loved you all the time."
"But I didn't know you loved me," Colin said.
Ryan had to admit that was a fair point, but he had a point of his own up his sleeve. "Maybe you didn't want to know."
"I-- I thought it was just a game to you..." And Colin curled his knees up, wrapping his arms around them and sinking his head down like a little boy looking for comfort...
Ryan lifted Colin's head and straightened him out again, because he wanted him to see that what he was going to say was the absolute truth. "It wasn't a game, Col." God, it had never been a game, not to him...
"Oh," Colin murmured, his brow wrinkling as he let out a shuddering breath. "But see, I didn't know that."
"Yeah, well, maybe I wanted you to... I don't know, figure it out." Ryan had never dared to utter that to Colin before, not even cloaked in an onstage game.
Colin snorted and shoved him. "What am I? A mind reader?" he teased.
Ryan laughed and rubbed his shoulder, shooting Colin a mock wounded look before turning serious again. "I wanted you to-- to come after me. To show me that you... that you loved me."
He shot Colin a look, his heart feeling exposed, laid barer than he'd ever made it to anyone. Colin seemed to realize that, judging by the circles he was rubbing along Ryan's outer thigh. And even though he wouldn't look at Ryan, Ryan thrilled when he heard Colin quietly admit, "Oh, I loved you. Believe me."
"Well, I didn't know that," Ryan answered. "You were always so weird whenever I'd try to, you know, give you hints about-- about us..."
"I know," Colin sighed. "And I'm sorry. But I did love you, Ry." He cleared his throat and quickly said, "I, I guess I still do."
Ryan ran his hand over Colin's thigh in turn, watching Colin's answering shiver pulse across his weathered face. "I know you do, Col."
"Yeah, well..." Colin hesitated. "But then, we left Vancouver... and I met Deb..."
"Yeah, and then..."
"We sort of both..."
"...moved on," they finished at the same time, nodding at each other with the shared relief of finally unburdening themselves of their past.
"I was scared," said Colin, turning towards Ryan and looking him straight in the eye. "I was too scared to... to try with you."
Ryan rubbed Colin's arm, trying to soothe him. "Things were different back then," he said, and it was true. Nowadays being with another man wasn't nearly as big of a deal, but back then... back then, it was a whole different story.
Colin sighed, and Ryan knew he was thinking the same thing. "People weren't as open," he said.
"I wasn't as open," Ryan admitted.
Colin chuckled, a little ruefully. "Neither was I."
"Sometimes I wish I could go back... do it all again," Ryan confessed, running one hand through his hair. "God, there are so many things I'd do differently."
"Yeah, but our kids..." said Colin.
"Yeah, our kids..." And Ryan traded smiles with Colin as both of them thought about their amazing children. It was hard to have regrets when you had young lives to consider, lives that may not have ever been, if things gone the other way. "But-- but you, Col..." Ryan took Colin's hand, turning it over in his as he whispered, "You..."
Colin squeezed Ryan's hand and tears welled up in both of their eyes.
"I'd treat you so good, Col," Ryan murmured, raising Colin's hand to his lips and kissing it.
"I know you would," Colin said, looking into Ryan's eyes with more love and affection than Ryan had ever seen from anyone, including his wife. "You always have." And it was true. Sometimes they had disagreed with each other, but they had never had a real fight, not once, in their nearly forty years together.
"You wouldn't have to work so hard," Ryan said, rubbing his thumb over Colin's.
"Neither would you," Colin said, laughing.
"We'd get a little place, somewhere up by Vancouver..." Ryan could picture it in his head so clearly. Nothing fancy, just a simple little house, outside of the city limits so they could have some privacy, a bit of land to call their own. And he could come home to Colin every night, or maybe he'd never leave Colin's side in the first place...
Colin cocked his head, giving Ryan a surprised look. "You'd leave the States?" he asked.
"For you? In a heartbeat," Ryan answered without hesitation. "Besides, I couldn't ask you to leave Canada, Col. I know how much it means to you."
Colin's chest heaved, and he shook his head, taking an impatient swipe at one eyelid. "Why are we even talking about this?" he said. "It's never going to happen."
"No," Ryan sighed, his shoulders sagging with a sense of loss, even if it was for something he'd never quite had in the first place. "I guess it isn't."
"We're too old."
"We're too tired."
"You're too stubborn," Colin said, nudging Ryan with his big toe.
"And you're too worried about what people think," Ryan replied, squeezing Colin's knee.
They both paused and traded glances, letting the truth of what they were saying sink in for a moment.
"It's not like we've had horrible lives, anyway," Colin said, trying to sound upbeat but not quite pulling it off. "We're extremely fortunate, Ry. Both of us."
"I know... I know," Ryan muttered. "I'm not-- I'm not saying I'm upset, exactly, with how things turned out. I just..." But he didn't know how to finish that thought, so he turned to Colin, hoping he would understand. He'd already said so much, more than he ever had, but there were still some things he couldn't quite put into words.
Colin rubbed Ryan's back, sending warmth and love like nothing he'd ever known shooting down his spine. "I know," said Colin, his fingers kneading into the space between Ryan's shoulderblades. "But this... it's just going to have to be enough."
"It's really not though," Ryan spoke up after Colin had massaged his back for a few very pleasant minutes.
"No, I guess it's not," replied Colin, his fingers stilling against the small of Ryan's back.
Their heads leaned together, they wrapped their arms around one another, and they both sighed into each other, two best friends who could have been so much more. The heat of Colin's body nestled beside him anchored Ryan once again. His heart felt wrung out, like someone had squeezed it until all of the blood drained out. That little talk of theirs had been intense, to say the least. But it needed to happen, and Ryan was so glad he at least knew that he wasn't imagining things, that Colin really did love him, did want to be together, even though they couldn't... and while it was true it wasn't enough, and it never would be, it was something for him to hold onto anyway. And he thought he would hold onto it, for all of the rest of his days.
"In another life?" Ryan said, dropping his head into Colin's lap and stretching his body across the couch.
"In another life, Ry," whispered Colin, his fingers sifting through Ryan's curls. He leaned down and planted a kiss on Ryan's graying temple. "In another life I promise, it will be you."