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It is a rare and mysterious day in Spooky High as the four colour coded companions are for once not at tables occupied by potential beauxs but at a table all to themselves. Oz had their little shadows scribbling on long bars.
“So...you’d say you were like...really charming?” Oz asks and Amira nods, her fingers tapping against the table leaving faint little burns in their wake.
“At least...like twelve charming!” Amira snaps. “If you had to put a number on it! I was super charming but Damien didn’t bite.” She slams her head into the table and Oz’s papers caught fire. Brian slams one giant zombie mit down on it to smother the flame.
“After exhaustive testing, can confirm, wearing a fucking bedsheet does not get you laid.” Brian’s mouth hung slightly open as it always did, a low groan rumbling from him. “I did...so many things and wasted so much time I’ll never get back to that sheet.”
“What about you, Vic?” Amira looks to Vicky who was nose deep in a book. “Did you get any advice out of that smut fic?”
“Everyone loves this damn book,” Vicky said slamming it shut, “every single one of them has a ninety page dissertation on this book but not one wants to get with me!?” She asks slapping the cover. “I read the entire Sexcalibure arc and it got me nothing but steamy fiction and….” She looked around the room as though for spies or The Coven. “A weird addiction to dragon dong.”
“Fucking same.” Brian says wistfully. Everyone looks at Brian who didn’t elaborate. Oz groans and their shadow pals fill out another chart, Scott’s rugged face drawn above the bars they began to fill in.
“I was so close, so close I could taste his sweat.” Oz rattles. “But I couldn’t find the cash to buy cocaine! He wouldn’t go to prom with me cause I bungled a drug deal.”
“You’d think he would be fine with that, Scott seems like a great guy.” Vicky said putting her hand on Oz’s arm. Oz nods.
“He is a great guy!” Oz blurts and the group nods as one, they could all agree Scott was a great guy and a good boy. The best boy? Jury is out but in their hearts he was a strong contender. “But I fumbled and said something that made Damien like me once or twice.”
Amira looks at Oz. “If you ruined my chance with that Demonic dreamboat I will burn your face of..” She looks at Oz who raises a single chalk white eyebrow.
“No go on.” Oz insists. “You’ll do what to my face?”
“Shut the fuck up.” Amira rattles “So what did you say that he liked? So we can add it to the bible.” She heftsa massive leather bound tome, the leather was treated with the tears of a thousand dateless protags and bound with the red string of kawaii anime fate….shit. On the cover was simply the words SPOOKY HIGH MONSTER PROM DECLASSIFIED- A GUIDE TO GETTING LAID.
She flips it open to a page with comprehensive notes on Damien.
“They were talking about like Griffin pasta,” Oz says as the book was pushed over to him, “I turned it into pasta with a magic spell and he loved that.” Oz scribbles the incantation down and passed the book to Brian.
“That’s everyone tried and failed,” he opens the book to a page of a bedsheet with two eye holes in it. Written around the drawing were the words ‘The Worst?’ he wrote in big thick letters ‘YES’. “You want to chronicle your failure Vic?” He asks and Vicky shakes her head.
“No I want to try one more run of this book,” she wags it around, “it’s a really good read once you get past the satire and dragon dildo product placement I mean.” She holds the book close and the group nodded.
“So I feel like trying a high fun run with Polly is a sensible idea,” Oz says opening the book to a page with her face, “but what else to go with?”
“I feel like creative.” Amira answers with a shrug. “I see her a lot and she’s yet to have a money be brought up unless she’s with Vera.” At that name everyone around the table let out a sound as though stabbed.
“We’ve tabled her until we get everyone else at least once.” Brian replies shaking his head. “I can’t go through another run with her. I get so close, I do everything short of climb up my own butt for her and she still won’t go out with me!” He slams his fist on the table shattering part of it with ease.
“Lay back on the zombie strength my guy.” Vicky tells him. “I feel like creative is a solid bet, maybe minor in bold. I went out with her once and I wasn’t bold enough to do her wacky drugs.” She sighs. “A viking funeral should not the place you drop acid.”
“Hard disagree.” Brian says before looking at the others in the cafeteria. “I’m sorry guys but is this right? We’re reducing these people down to stats and numbers, ideas and discussions...like these are people...our friends. Should we do this?”
The table was quiet for a moment, the group all looked at one another and their masses of data. Seeing these people not as such but as numbers to iron out or things to get right. Their endless return to this school was clearly the machinations of a cruel god who wanted to see them suffer.
Or like a little white dog that programmed stuff by barking into a machine, like that Asgore kid in room seven who kept repeating algebra forever.
It was Amira who broke the silence. “Do you wanna get fucking laid?” She asks and Brian nods, a single tear rolling down his face.
“So fucking much, bro. So fucking much.” He says shaking his head. Amira put her arms around Brian and gave him a pat on the back. “It’s just so hard.”
“Like mah dick.” Barks the Wolfpack, who had shown up to loiter. “So what’s up? We talking about nerd shit?” He peers at the book, pretending he could read. “If you guys wanna get with a dude, whole squad right here.” He gestures to the vague pack of beast men and man beasts behind him. All flexing and roiling in their buff hairy masculinity.
The group all looked at each and then the wolf pack.
“Not even with a rented dick.” Brian says in reply, his bold stat went up by two and his sick burn stat by about a thousand. Speaking of burns at least one member of the wolfpack suddenly BURSTS into flames at the insult. The others drag them away to try and find water.
“Okay!” Oz stood up gathering the book and ignoring that. “We gonna meet back here in three weeks and compare our notes?” The group nods as one. “We got it this time guys! I can really feel it.”
With that the group all got hit in the face with books and took a quiz to help decide on their stats. The narrator’s dulcet tones began to wind through their ears as once again they charge the front lines in the war of youth.
MONSTER PROM IS FAST APPROACHING!