Chapter Text
Karkat’s reasonably sure that he is the single most pathetic vampire on this half of the continent. The only reason he didn’t count the entire thing is because somewhere, in fucking California of all places, Kankri exists. Unfortunately.
But the Maryams didn’t make Kankri go to a support group because he sulked in their basement for five fucking years, so maybe Karkat was North America’s top immortal waste of space after all. Ugh.
The support group was apparently not fucking prepared for a vampire, either. He wouldn’t really have noticed, because it was in a public building so he didn’t need an invitation to come in and plop his ass in one of the ridiculously fancy cushioned folding chairs, but the group leader saw him and immediately started apologizing about not having “lil cups of blood and shit.” Like he was going to drink anything where other people could see. This was already mortifying enough.
The circle of chairs is about three-quarters full. Karkat has no idea whether or not that’s the norm, but unless he has one hell of an epiphany tonight he’s sure he’ll have plenty of time to find out. Right now, some dude in ridiculous 3D glasses is talking. Something about ghosts, Karkat thinks? He kind of zoned out, whoops. After that, it’s the one-woman furry convention sitting next to him, and then--joy of fucking joys!--it’s Karkat’s turn. Hopefully Dog Ears is a big talker.
Glasses wraps up, and the leader--Roxy, she introduced herself, he’s gotta at least make an effort to remember these names--turns to Dog Ears.
“Jade, it’s your turn, if you’re feelin’ up to it.”
Dog--god dammit, Jade-- nods and flicks said ears.
“I almost bit someone today.”
Karkat’s eyebrows shoot up. There are various sympathetic noises around the room, and some scattered laughter. Not exactly the reaction he expected, but fucking...fuck it! Whatever! He’s dead and a girl with actual fucking dog ears is sitting next to him talking about biting people, what do expectations matter? They’re nothing, they’re pointless. He settles back in his chair and refuses to be surprised by anything else.
Jade rubs the back of her neck and laughs ruefully. “I mean, obviously that’s not good! I just...It was so loud and no one would stop talking and maybe I looked a little weird, covering my ears in the grocery store and stuff?”
Roxy makes a sympathetic noise.
“So, uh.” Jade clears her throat. “So someone came to touch me and I just…I wanted to bite them so bad, I hate it when people don’t ask first, it’s horrible and everything was already too much, touching me wasn’t helping!”
“You didn’t bite them, though,” Roxy says.
“Yeah, JD, it could’ve been a fuck of a lot worse.” 3D Glasses Guy leans back in his chair like he’s done, until Roxy gives him a look. “...That’s progress or some shit.”
“Yeah, you’re gettin’ better at this every day you’re here. I mean, shit, we all do dumb things, ‘s why we’re here, right? What matters is that you’re doin’ em less and you’re working on that, not beating yourself up for not being a perfect match for the big city straightaway.” Roxy takes a sip of a cup of water. “And! And, this is important too, we’re here to help work on making sure you don’t almost bite anybody again.”
There’s a little more discussion that Karkat mostly tunes out because, again, he really doesn’t want to be here, and it’s kind of fucking mortifying being here when his problems are so obviously petty and stupid and he can’t even offer any advice for anyone else’s.
And then it’s his turn. Fuuuuck. Roxy turns to him when Jade’s done and smiles.
“Karkat? No pressure if you ain’t feeling it.”
He crosses his arms and slouches further in his chair. One good thing about this whole vampirism deal is that at least he can’t hurt his back with his frankly horrible posture. It’s something.
“If we do the whole ‘hi, Karkat’ song and dance I will actually lose my shit, so don’t. I’m Karkat. Vantas. Karkat Vantas.” God, he sounds so stupid. Someone kill him again.
“I have this super rare condition that makes me allergic to the sun and I have to be on a liquid diet. It sucks--if any of you make a sucking joke I swear to fuck. But, uh. Hence my being here or whatever.”
There’s an awkward pause where no one says anything, probably waiting for him to continue, but. Fuck it. He said something, he’s going, sue him for being a little apprehensive. It’s optional anyway, so if anyone gets on his ass he’ll just point that little fact right back in their face. Ha, take that.
After a beat though, Roxy just smiles and nods, turning her head to the person next to him. Karkat lets out a relieved sigh and slumps even further down in his chair. Thank fucking god. It’s mortifying, okay, he doesn’t know anyone and it’s a little hard for him to believe that anyone’s going to give a shit about his problems the first time he shows up. Or the second time, or ever, probably, but fucking whatever. He’ll say something eventually, if only because he’s incapable of shutting the fuck up and his single skill in life is making bad decisions.
A couple more people talk, and Karkat does his best to listen, but he still doesn’t actually have anything useful to offer. Surprise, surprise. He’s the only vampire, and pretty much everyone has been the way they are their entire lives, so someone who was human until five years ago isn’t exactly the best guy to come to for a unique and insightful take. Or something. So he tunes out a little bit.
They get around to a redhead in shades eventually. Karkat only noticed him because he’s been quiet the entire time and will occasionally pull out a phone--fucking rude, much?--while other people are talking.
“Dave?”
Shades--Dave, apparently, kind of a boring name for someone at a supernatural support group but whatever--answers by way of shaking his head and dragging his thumb across his throat. Fucking. What??
Roxy seems totally unfazed though. She shrugs and goes “okay!” all chipper. Probably...not a threat, then?
“That’s it for tonight then I think? Unless any of y’all who didn’t go changed your minds.” She pauses, and when no one responds, stands up with a grin. “Alrighty. I’mma be here to chat for a while if anyone wants to! Feel free to mingle, I’ve still got way too many fuckin’ snacks and the cookie pile does not stop from keep getting bigger, so help yourselves.”
Karkat can’t actually eat any of the snacks, and he’s still not exactly super keen on the idea of drinking anything in public even if blood was available, so. Hm. Great. Nothing to do, but he can’t just bolt as fast as possible unless he wants people to notice that and think he’s an antisocial freak (which he is, but). He’ll have to...mingle. Oh god.
Karkat puts his hands in his pockets and kind of shuffles around the meeting room trying not to look as pathetic and awkward as he knows he must. He’d go approach someone, but they’re all engaged in conversation already, fuck. It was way easier to just barge into conversations before he died. Ugh.
He eventually picks a corner and totally doesn’t sulk in it, fucking around on his phone and...not people-watching. Just, uh, glancing up occasionally? Yeah.
Of course, because the universe has it out for him, as soon as Karkat starts to think he’s… “mingled” long enough to leave without it looking weird, someone decides to come over and bother him. Two someones, even. Joy of joys. Even fucking better, it’s Dog Ears and Shades. Uh. Jade and Dave. Names. Jade is hauling Dave--who looks absolutely fucking mortified--towards him by the arm. Great! Definitely a pity conversation, then, and one that fucking no one except maybe Jade actually wants to participate in. Karkat could just shit a solid brick of delight.
“Hi!” Jade says. She has a tail. It’s wagging. Karkat said he was done finding things weird, but that’s pretty fucking weird! Sue him!
“...Hi.”
“Karkat, right?”
“Yeah. Uh, Jade? And Dave?”
“That’s us!” Jade nods and Dave gives a little wave. His face is bright red. The feral animal part of Karkat’s hindbrain helpfully reminds him that it’s blood doing that, and Karkat finds himself glad--not for the first time--that he’s managed to eke out some semblance of self control. They’re trying to do him a favor, brain, don’t be fucking weird about it.
“Nice to meet you?”
Jade beams, her tail wagging harder. Dave looks like he’s trying to shrink out of existence.
“Nice to meet you too! I’m actually here because we wanted to ask you something.”
Karkat crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. Oh boy, weird questions about his ~condition~ incoming, three, two, one…
“See, Dave was texting me.” Oh, so that’s why the phone was out. Still rude. “And he said he thought you were cute. Like really cute! And honestly I agree, you’re cute in a really scruffy way! But anyway, he’s a fucking anxious dumbshit and psyched himself out way too bad to do anything about it, so I am. Right now! You wanna go on a date with him?”
Dave starts furiously typing something on his phone, and soon after Jade’s phone dings. She fishes it out and makes an affronted noise.
“Fuck you, buttmunch! I’m a great wingman! You wouldn’t ever have done anything without my help!”
Is she...is she seriously asking him out on behalf of her friend. What.
“What.”
“You. Him. Date. You know, the thing with kissing and stuff.” Jade rolls her eyes.
Karkat scowls. “I know what a fucking date is, thanks. What I mean is, are you sure this isn’t some fucking sick joke, because it’s not funny, and I don’t actually appreciate having my feelings played with by Balto and Ron fucking Weasley.”
Jade’s ears droop and Dave flinches. Oh fuck, seriously, Karkat, you piece of shit? He can’t even have one interaction like a normal fucking person without alienating the only people stupid enough to willingly inflict his presence upon themselves.
“Shit, uh, sorry. I didn’t mean that. I mean, I mean it if you’re fucking with me, but uh. I’m an asshole. That was a dick move.”
They relax a little bit, and Jade’s expression is almost...sympathetic? What?
“I’m not fucking with you, promise. I can even show you the texts where Dave waxed poetic about how hot you are to prove it!”
Her phone dings several times in a row. Dave is hunched over his with an expression somewhere between fury and terror. Karkat just barely manages to keep from laughing, thank fuck.
Jade grins and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Um, okay, I guess not, but I swear he thinks you’re super good looking.”
Now that he thinks about it, they’re pretty cute too? Both of them. Jade’s tall, taller than Karkat is, and willowy. Her hair is in locs, held up in a ponytail, with the white dog ears poking up and occasionally flicking to the side. She’s got a really cute smile, and super piercing green eyes that--okay, it sounds like some romance novel shit, but he swears they’re sparkling. And--
Uh, shit. She’s not actually asking him out. Get it together, Karkat. Dave is cute too. Karkat’s never actually had the chance to date a dude before, but he does like guys, and Dave is definitely attractive. He’s short as hell, pear shaped and chubby. Karkat can’t really see his face because of the fuckoff-huge sunglasses, but the quirk of his lips and quiet little exhalation whenever he laughs? Karkat already wants to see if he can get him to do it again. He wants to kiss the dusting of freckles across his face, too. Fuck.
“Uh, okay.”
“What?” Jade gives him a cautiously optimistic look, glancing between him and Dave.
“Yeah, I’ll go on a date with him, I guess.”
“Really?” Jade’s tail is wagging again; Dave has to step to the side to avoid getting smacked in the face with fur.
“I mean if you’re going to keep asking I’m sure eventually I’ll lose my resolve, so…”
“No! Fuck!” Jade holds up her hands. “Um, let Dave put his number in your phone? He’s way more talkative over text, you guys can figure it out now that you don’t need my totally awesome wingman skills.”
Well. At least that’s confirmation Dave can talk, Karkat was honestly starting to wonder. He shrugs and opens up the page for a new contact before handing the phone over. Dave fills it out, hands it back, and then gives a little thumbs up. Then, like it was never gone, his own phone is right back in his hands and he’s typing away. At least now Karkat knows why he’s constantly texting? Good to know he’s not just a rude piece of shit during the meetings. Karkat doesn’t date rude pieces of shit. He’s more than enough of one for two people, thanks.
Dave holds his thumb and pinky out and mouths ‘text me’ before tugging Jade away, presumably to go bother someone else.
Hm. Karkat’s honestly not sure how to feel about all that shit, but. Hey. Bare minimum of social interaction: get! He has a date, even. Maybe Kankri can take the title for shittiest vampire after all.
Karkat calls Kanaya for a ride and heads outside, leaning against a wall and fucking with his phone while he waits. Distantly, he realizes it’s cold. There’s a notable difference between outdoors and the heated meeting room, but beyond that he can’t... really feel it. It’s not unpleasant, and his breath doesn’t even fog up because he doesn’t get warm enough for it anymore. Unless it gets so cold he’d literally freeze solid, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t shiver.
After five years, shit like this still gets to him. He inhales a steadying breath he doesn’t need to take and looks up at the sky. Karkat will not become the brooding vampire trope. Fuck. He totally already is, god damn it, soon he’s going to start going on mournful soliloquies while moping in a cemetery or some shit.
Maybe he could use some help. Eurgh.
Karkat doesn’t have to dwell on that particular train of thought for very long, thank fuck, because Kanaya pulls up soon after in her stupidly expensive car. Karkat still feels like he’s breaking some kind of rule when he sits in it, but whatever. He opens the passenger door and hops in.
“How’d it go?”
“Well, I mean, it wasn’t an unmitigated clusterfuck and I didn’t die, so definitely better than I expected.” Karkat shrugs and glances over at her. “How was your date?”
Kanaya pulls into the street, waggling her eyebrows so furiously Karkat’s amazed they haven’t flown off her face.
“That good?”
“I don’t kiss and tell, Karkat.” She grins, flashing a hint of fang. “Let’s just say it was a very nice evening.”
“She said, secretly hoping I’d demand she spill the beans.”
Kanaya scoffs. “I am not. I know you’re dying to find out, anyway.”
“Am I?”
“...Are you?”
“Oh my god, Kanaya, just tell me how it went.”
Karkat works up the nerve to text Dave once he gets home. It’s probably like, the Domino's phone number or the rejection hotline or some other equally asinine thing, but fucking...fuck it. At least this way he’ll know he got fucked with instead of just wondering.
IS THIS DAVE?
oh shit wassup
carcat? carckat? karcat?
Oh, shit. It’s actually him. Karkat...wasn’t expecting that. He takes a deep breath and tries not to psyche himself out. Easier said than done, but, you know, whatever. Dave won’t actually see him pacing every time he’s waiting for a response.
also lmao why are you talking in all caps wtf dude i can read the little letters its ok
It’s Karkat. Sorry, fuck. I hate how fucking tiny these screens are, I always hit capslock instead of shift and don’t notice.
oh shit i thought you were like
idk nvm
so anyways are you like still down for date town then
Yes? Why the fuck would I be texting you if I wasn’t “down” for ““““““Date Town?”””””
I’m so down I’ve started clipping through the floor. It’s agonizing.
sweet i was a little worried you werent interested after the whole uh jade debacle
disregard that whole thing btw shes like the worst wingman ever
couldnt generate lift if you strapped her to a plane etc
SO YOU WANT ME TO DISREGARD THE THING THAT ACTUALLY *GOT* YOU THE DATE? OK, I SEE HOW IT IS. GO ON, LET’S START OVER, WOO ME.
Fuck, caps! I hate these tiny screens!
jesus christ dude hahahaha just give up and live your capslocked dream i wont judge
and when you put it like that
yknow what good point lets go with the current scenario where my terrible wingman managed to get me a hot date
WELL, I MEAN, ONE IS STILL MORE THAN ZERO. YOU REALIZE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU’VE EVEN TALKED TO ME, RIGHT?
WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?
id love to tell you but unfortunately that is level 75 boyfriend information. top secret dude
not that were boyfriends i mean
fuck
OH MY GOD.
but uh we could be
wink wink
YES, THAT’S KIND OF WHAT THE POINT IS, NIMROD. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE ME ON A DATE OR NOT?
are you kidding fuck yeah i do
you know it
when are you free
UH, NIGHTS?
well yes ha ha you are a vampire but i mean like which nights
THAT’S IT, DUDE. I’M FREE LITERALLY WHENEVER. I LEAD A VERY EXCITING LIFESTYLE WHERE I DON’T EVER ACTUALLY LEAVE MY BED.
THEY SAY I’M A REAL THRILL SEEKER.
haha dude oh my god
a man after my own heart livin the dream
alright sweet howwwwww about
this weekend?
YEAH, SURE. IT’S A DATE.
fuck yeah it is