Archive of Our Own

 I've seen you hanging round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within
With hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

Marc stood across the sunlit street and watched the small cafe. A large window opened up the front of the building and a counter stretched across for patrons to sit at. He could see Kay there, drinking his coffee, warily watching the pedestrians walking by. Marc watched as someone entered the cafe and Kay looked hopefully at the door before quickly masking it with disinterest when he realized it wasn’t Marc.

With a start, Marc realized he was scared as shit of seeing Kay again after all this time and considered not going through with it. He rubbed his palms on his thighs, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly before pushing away from the wall. He crossed the street, cutting through traffic and opened the door. An electric jingle announced his arrival and Kay looked up one last time, the corners of his mouth twitching into an almost smile when he recognized Marc.

Marc smiled hesitantly. “Hey,” he said as he slid onto the empty stool next to Kay. Three nights ago, after nearly 4 years of silence, Kay had texted Marc, asking for a meeting at the cafe. Marc had been caught off guard and stared at his phone, sure it had to be a joke, before answering that he’d be there. He didn’t know why and he wondered now if Kay would explain.

“I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

“Neither was I. I - it was good to hear from you.”

Kay snorted and shook his head. “Was it?”

Marc began picking at a napkin on the counter. “Yes. Why Kay? After all this time, why?”

“I don’t know. The other day I saw a little boy with a woman that looked like Bettina and, for the first time in a while, thought of you and wondered how you were. If that was your little boy. If you were happy.”

Marc couldn’t help noticing that Kay had hesitated before saying happy, as if the idea of him with Bettina had pained him. Marc waited for Kay to continue.

“So are you? Happy, I mean. Are you just one big happy family now?” Kay asked as bitterness tinged his voice.

Marc stayed silent, stunned at the bitterness in Kay’s voice.

“Happy? I guess. I get up, I go to work, I work out, I go home. But we’re not the family you think we are, Kay. Bettina and I split up. Stefan is with me every other weekend and sometimes other days off. When we do see each other, it’s only because of Stefan.”

For just a moment, Marc thought he saw a flicker of relief cross Kay’s face, but then the careful mask slid back into place.

Kay stood quickly. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t. I just can’t.” He dropped some money onto the table and left quickly, leaving Marc to wonder what had just happened.

“Scheisse,” Marc hissed. He followed Kay out, looking up and down the street. Marc easily found him walking towards the park and quickly followed him. “Kay! Kay, wait!” he called out.

Kay set a quick pace, but Marc followed him easily through the park to a quieter section. When he finally was close enough he grasped Kay’s arm and turned him around.

“What the hell was that?” Marc asked in confusion.

Kay shook his head, but didn’t say anything.

“Kay, talk to me.”

Kay took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “You - I loved you, Marc. I really did. And all you did was throw that back at me. I thought I was past that. I thought I could see you again. I was wrong. I'm sorry. This was a mistake.” He shook his head and tried to turn away.

Marc knew this was important, possibly the most important thing he could ever do. He had to get this right. He couldn’t risk messing this up and losing Kay. Not again. Marc knew there'd be no chance after this.

“Kay, wait. Please. I fucked up. I fucked everything up so badly and it’s not like this is an excuse for it, but I was scared. I had Bettina, I had the baby and I thought that’s where I was meant to be. But then - then there was you. You come strutting in with that cocky attitude of yours and turned everything I thought I knew upside down. And that afternoon when you told me you loved me? Jesus, Kay. I loved you too, but I was too scared to say it. I went back to your flat, did you know that? I went back looking for you.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I tried to find you, but you were gone already. I’d lost everything - Bettina, the baby, you - I lost it all. Every day since was just me trying to get through.”

They were both quiet as they walked along the edge of a pond.

“So what now?” Marc asked. He was partially afraid of the answer, but he needed to know.

Kay sighed and stopped walking. He turned to face Marc and Marc winced at the open vulnerability on Kay’s face. “I don’t know. I want - I want… But Marc, I can’t be hurt again. I can’t take it.”

Marc pulled Kay into his arms. He held Kay tightly, inhaling his scent, just holding, breathing, still so surprised he had a chance to do this again. Could this be it? Could this really be the chance he’d always wanted to make things right but never thought he’d get?

“I’ve missed you so much, Kay. I want this too, please. I’ll do everything I can to never hurt you again.”

Marc felt Kay nod as he spoke into the fabric of Marc’s shirt. “What?” Marc asked.

“Ok. I said ok,” Kay said quietly. “Let’s do this.”

**********

Marc watched Kay play with Stefan. They pushed a small fire truck back and forth across the floor, making siren sounds and whistles. Stefan was enthralled with Kay, wanting to bring him all his trucks and stuffed animals and Kay patiently looked each one over and claimed each to be his favorite. When Kay looked up and found Marc watching him, he smiled and winked playfully. Marc smiled back.

Marc knew this peace wouldn’t last long. His mother was on her way to pick Stefan up and take him to the park for the afternoon. He knew she wouldn’t like Kay being there, would like it even less that they had worked things out, but this was his business, this was what he wanted. Once before he had been afraid to go after what he wanted and it had nearly been too late. He was lucky to have a second chance and he wasn’t going to mess it up this time.

Marc could see the moment that Kay heard his mother knock on the door. Kay visibly tensed and sat back in the chair. His gaze followed Marc as he crossed the room to answer the door. As Marc reached where Kay sat, he leaned down and lightly kissed Kay.

“Hey. It’s ok,” he murmured as he gently smoothed the pad of his thumb over Kay’s cheekbone.

Marc opened the door to let his mother in, kissing her cheek in greeting. “Mama,” he said warmly.

“What is he doing here?” she hissed when saw Kay. “He has no - He - “

“Mama, I want him here. Come. Let’s go get Stefan’s things.”

In Stefan’s room, Marc picked up a bag he’d prepared of extra clothes and shoes for his mother and waited for the onslaught he knew was coming.

“I just don’t understand why that man is here,” she continued. “After everything he did -”

“Mama, stop. Kay didn’t do anything. Whatever happened is all on me. He’s here because I want him here.”

“But Marc, Bettina - “

Marc shook his head. He and Bettina had split up right after Stefan was born, right when everything was at its worst. They were civil to each other, but he knew they would never be more than that. His mother was more slow at accepting that.

“No, Mama. Bettina and I aren’t going to get back together. I don’t want Bettina and I to get back together. But Kay and I -”

“No, Marc. I don’t want to hear it.”

“You need to hear it, Mama. Kay and I are back together.”

She huffed. “This is what you want, Marc?” she asked quietly.

Marc smiled. “Yes, it is.”

For the first time, she softened and Marc thought that maybe things might be ok. He hoped.

“Ok,” she agreed.

“Ok?” he repeatedly hopefully.

“Ok.”

In the living room, Kay had Stefan on his lap, tying the little boy’s sneakers. Kay looked up and smiled at Marc over the Stefan’s head and Marc smiled back.

“Stefan? Have fun at the park and be a good boy for Oma, ok?” Marc said as he hugged his son. “I’ll see you later.”

He closed the door behind his mother, turned around, and watched a smile slowly spread across Kay’s face. Marc wasn’t sure what he’d done to put it there, but he had a feeling he was about to find out. He would do everything he could keep it there.

“What?” he asked.

Kay’s grin grew. “You stood up for me to your mom.”

“Yes, so?” Marc asked as he approached Kay. He slid his hands over Kay’s hips, slipping his thumbs just inside Kay’s tee shirt and rubbing the soft skin there.

“Your mom, Marc,” Kay said before dipping down and biting playfully at Marc’s lip before kissing him gently.

“Of course I did, Kay. I stood up for us. I want this to work between us this time. That means she has to accept us.”

“So there’s an us, is there?” Kay teased.

“I - there is, right?” Marc asked, suddenly nervous.

Kay laughed. “Yes, Marc, there is.” He kissed Marc again, deeper, hungry. “I’ve missed you,” he admitted.

“I’ve missed you too. I - I love you,” Marc finally said for the first time.

Kay had said it before, but Marc had been such an asshole then. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. Judging by the way the smile lit Kay’s face, he figured he was safe.