Chapter Text
Personal Message Recording System
No. 4892
Entry 27
It's been so long since you've gone. To remember your face I have to look at old pictures in magazines or even older ones in my photo albums.
I don't know what your voice sounds like anymore. I cannot recall what it feels like to hold you in my arms.
And it drives me crazy.
There were so many things we wanted to do, so many places to see and now, all of a sudden, it vanished.
My whole world turned upside down the day they reported you missing. I remember walking into the cafeteria, not having read any news yet, when someone stopped me with an evil grin.
She pointed towards the screen they had put up which showed the live broadcast, asking me if I already knew.
I didn't.
It took me a while until I understood what the newscaster was saying, and even longer to comprehend what it meant to me... to us.
I looked up into the devil's face who was asking me how it felt to lose ones lover. My first impulse was to tell her that we were nowhere near close to being lovers but even in my shocked state did I understand that there was no point in reasoning.
I thanked her for the information, flashed her a smile and walked straight out of the cafeteria again, my head empty, my body moving on its own.
Maybe I did not fully understood what had happened. Not until Keith came running, finding me at a deserted corner of the centre courtyard, sitting on a bench, staring into the sky.
The look on his face was what made the whole situation real.
Something inside of me snapped and I could feel the physical pain from my heart shattering as I drowned on my own sobs and cries. I fell to my knees, Keith trying to catch what was left of me, holding me tight.
No words can describe the agony I felt.
Him holding me was the only thing keeping me in one piece, his voice anchoring me into reality as my mind gave up on me and I blacked out.
This was by far not the worst day if I am honest. The initial impact hurt and the shame of breaking down in front of someone else left me with a bitter taste in my mouth but every hour after that was a walk through hell.
Everyone praised your name and commemorated you publicly. The service was mandatory as well, turning your disappearance into a lesson for everyone, stripping it from everything that made you. Classes were canceled for a few days which made no real difference to me.
Then they started to debate wether it was your fault alone and if it had been the wrong choice to trust you with such an important mission after all. Maybe you were not the 'golden boy' after all.
I tried to fight such remarks but with my standing in the Garrison – by now I acquired the tag 'teachers pet' – they just scoffed and walked away.
It hurt.
You were gone, out of this orbit, this galaxy even. No matter how far I stretched my arms I could never reach out to you again.
There were no more stupid messages, no more movie-nights or opportunities to look up and count the stars. No more chances to watch you laugh or grow or look confused.
And ultimately no more chances to say what I should've said before you left, no matter the consequences.
This will be my biggest regret until my last day.
Having you so close yet not being brave enough to say what I knew I felt since I was 15.
Everyone around us knew except you. And me for the longest part. The rumors from day one proved to be true, even though I did not want to see it.
After you went to the Garrison I told myself that we were friends and that's that.
One look at you three years on and I knew I lied to myself for too long.
You know that I never believed at love at first sight. But in your case it was something else, because I knew you for years yet seeing you here again was like seeing you for the first time.
So maybe this really exists in some twisted way.
How I wish you would return in whatever deus-ex-machina-way there is so I could see you again for the first time.
To make things right again.
There was a meteor-shower a few days ago. As I saw them falling one by one I held out my hand, as if that would do any good. I sent my wishes to the stars, knowing too well, that most of them are probably already dead.
It struck me than that you might be one of them.
You once told me that we're all made of the same cosmic stardust.
The emptiness I feel since that day threatens to swallow me up whole whenever I am not focusing enough. For that not to happen I buried myself into research, studies and training.
General Iverson said that I am following your path which is ridiculous.
Only you can walk it.
Still, he said that the higher-ups were contemplating a rescue mission, for the equipment at least. I filled out my application and I know that with my grades they cannot ignore me.
The Garrison lay there amidst the desert. Being the biggest and most famous military academy on earth so far, the whole complex did not really looked that part. One block of concrete after the other made it look like a very fragile structure. Yet it held technologies of the latest generations.
It has been four months since the Kerberos-Mission went missing. The whole base had gone back to its everyday structures and ways.
Or, to be more precise, almost everyone.
A girl in her second year sat in her room on a rainy Friday afternoon. Her eyes were glued to the screen as if she was not able to comprehend the message that flashed in front of her.
She looked like she did not know what to make of it, her expression changing within moments from astonished to scared to happy to heartbroken.
There was something about her that made any onlooker's heart ache. A longing in her eyes which remained somber even when she flashed a smile.
Maybe the big philosopher was right when he said that hell is not a place of fire but it lays in other people.
Personal Message Recording System
No. 4892
Entry 34
What's the point in recording these messages? And why do I keep sending them up into the void despite knowing so well that they will only ever get lost in the static?
[sighs]
Ultimately I still can't let go of you... I guess sending them is the only thing I have left that reminds me of your existence. That you were real.
It's pathetic I know that much. I am making a fool out of myself for letting these feelings of regret and loss get the better of me and yet... I can't help myself.
Perhaps I keep them as a diary for myself as well... To keep any kind of structure in my days. To not let this little flame of hope inside of me burn out and leave me alone in the darkness...
And maybe... Maybe even a fraction of this gets through to you... Or the stars are finally going to listen to us...
[muffled sobs]
I know you would never want me to let myself go like that and I promise you, I am trying.
Getting up and to class and be the best at everything is a mere byproduct of trying to outrun my thoughts and aching heart. But I am trying to get better every day. At living without you.
They really hate me by now as I am beginning to excel in my classes just as you did before me.
I don't have anything left in me that would care.
Entry 35
Things really do change over time. They become a distorted version of their former selves, burning away everything else until that is the only form we keep.
History is just a story we tell ourselves after all...
I would not recognise my former self if I met her.
Keith came over today as he and the others did frequently for the past months. They never said anything but I know that they are worried about me. I know because they look at me with the same somber expression I find staring at myself in a mirror.
I wish I could be my old self again and just enjoy the ride...
The boy sat down on her bed, looking around the room and finally at her. He had a few bruises on his arms and cheeks, proving that he would not shy away from any confrontation. The only downside was that by now he had gotten into so many fights that he could be thrown out any day. Only he did not seem to mind too much.
The two of them sat in silence for a long time, before she asked what brought him over.
“I wanted to sneak out with you... But it's still pouring down so I guess we stay here.”, his voice was barely audible.
She had been recording another set of messages to send to the stars. She knew that it was to no avail and still she continued to hurt herself as with every sent message an automatic reply popped up at her screen, telling her that the message could not be sent to an address that did not exist.
It was her daily reminder of her own loss, feeding into the remorse.
The girl looked out of her window which confirmed his statement. It had been raining for the past week or so, making the sand almost muddy. The sky was full of grey and heavy clouds.
Another look at her watch told her that it was way past curfew which also applied on weekends.
Leaving would be a violation of these rules.
After she looked at the boy once more she answered him quietly, “Keith, let's go for a ride.”
The unlike pair reached the plain with the little cabin after only a short ride on a hover-bike. Without paying any attention to the heavy rain they got off the bike and started to walk around instead of just heading straight inside.
“I feel like in one of those movies where they walk around in the rain just to be followed by their love interest and then they kiss.”, the girl said dryly which made the boy hum in agreement.
They fell silent again, just walking up a slope. After all the heartache from the past weeks it seemed that there was nothing left to talk about as words could not explain the agony and hollowness inside, fearing every night to not wake up the next morning from the piercing screams of the heart.
Even out there the girl was not able to feel any calmness or tranquility. The shattering of her own broken self was too loud after all.
As they reached the highest point they turned around and looked over the plain, barely visible through the rain. For a short moment one could think that nothing bad had ever happened and that it was just a bad dream.
But eventually even this veil was ripped apart as the consciousness kicked back in, reminding her of the harsh truth.
Looking up into the sky the boy said, “He's somewhere up there. I know it. There's no way he would just crash-land a ship or whatever they've made up.”
She flashed him a tiny smile, her eyes sorrowful, “I wish... But what do you want to do?”
He just looked at her, “We wait until the right time comes.”
Personal Message Recording System
No. 4892
Entry 48
It has become rather difficult for me to spend time with the others like we used to. And I know it's my fault and mine alone. They were nothing but kind and understanding and yet I am retreating more and more.
Somehow there are too many memories I can't deal with yet.
And it's not only that I miss you and that I am constantly reminded of your absence... It's just the way I see my reflection in their eyes. The way they have no words left to get through to me.
I look like a wreck. To say the least.
[chuckles]
You would scold me if you saw me. There is nothing different on the outside per se. But whenever I see myself I am scared of how dark my eyes have become. How sad my expression is not matter how hard I try.
I feel so pathetic...
Pidge is seemingly coping better with this than I do, but then again, we're both only pretending.
I've been to the simulator with Lance, Pidge and Hunk today. It was a lot of fun. Did you know that Lance is a decent pilot? He always acts up and is playing the fool but if he needs to be, he knows exactly what to do. With a lot of unnecessary moves and turns – to Hunk's dismay – but he gets the job done. If only he would stop messing around in class, then the others would not make fun of him...
It's in those situations that I notice that I have detached myself from them. At least to a certain degree. I just stand there while trying to help them with weak arguments, not able to find a fighting spirit.
Of course they know and we are still close... It's just that I feel like someone had put me in a glass-cage.
Or a maze.
And I can't seem to find my way out.