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Jackson was uncharacteristically quiet at dinner. The others cast puzzled glances at each other occasionally, but it was Mark who asked him if he was okay.
“Sorry, what?” Jackson said, coming out of his reverie.
“Are you okay?” Mark repeated. “You've been very quiet.”
Jackson looked around at the faces of the others, all eyes watching him.
“Oh,” he laughed. “Yeah, sorry. I was just in Fan's earlier, and someone asked me if the world was suddenly going to end, what would I regret not having done. I've been thinking about it ever since.”
“And?” Jaebeom prompted.
“No matter what I think about, the things I haven't done – backpacked around Europe, married a nice girl, gone on the trans Siberian railroad, visited the penguins in Antarctica; all I seem to come back to is that I'd just regret not having spent more time with my family.” He smiled a little sadly and shrugged. “I like what we do. I know I work too hard sometimes, but I like what we do. That's what I'd really regret.”
“You are such a sook,” Yugyeom said, taking a mouthful of his food.
Unfortunately for Yugyeom he was seated next to Jackson at the time, and soon found himself in a headlock.
Jackson continued speaking as if he didn't have a protesting, squirming, 182 centimetre tall, 20 year old under his arm. “Anyway, it just got me thinking about things.”
The others nodded, and thought silently to themselves for awhile - other than Yugyeom, who kept squirming and protesting until Mark made Jackson let him go. After a bit of maknae whining, they were distracted again from the topic.
Later in the evening Mark retired to his room. As he often did, he retreated to his own space and curled up in his bed to watch YouTube videos and mess around on SNS. Not long later, as he so often was, he was joined by Jinyoung, carrying a book, who slid into the space that Mark made next to him in the bed. Mark put his earphones in so the noise wouldn't disturb Jinyoung, and they companionably lay side by side, quietly doing their own thing, but being together.
Occasionally Mark would giggle at what he was watching, and Jinyoung would smile and dig an elbow into his side without taking his eyes off of his page. Mark would squirm and giggle more and Jinyoung's smile would grow, but otherwise they were silent.
After a time, Mark stopped his videos and just stared at the screen for a while, thinking. Eventually he pulled out his earphones and looked at Jinyoung. Jinyoung felt Mark's gaze and folded the corner of the page he was on, before putting his book down.
“What is it?”
“Do you have anything?”
“Anything what?” Jinyoung asked, not understanding.
“What Jackson said at dinner. Anything you'd regret not doing if the world ended.”
Jinyoung looked away. “I haven't really thought about it,” he said, but there was colour on his cheeks.
Mark frowned. “You're lying.”
“What about you?” Jinyoung asked, turning back to Mark.
“No,” Mark said, shaking his head with a gentle smile. “No deflecting. There is something. Something you would regret not doing. Tell me.”
“No,” Jinyoung said, looking away again.
“Why not?”
Jinyoung sighed. “There's a reason we don't always do the things we want to. Sometimes we just can't.”
“Physically can't? As in you don't have the time, or the money, or the access?”
“Well sure that, but sometimes we don't do things because of other people.”
Mark frowned a bit again, little lines appearing between his eyebrows. “Are you worried about what people would think?”
“When do I not worry about what people would think?”
Mark turned Jinyoung's face towards him. “Are you worried about what I would think?”
Jinyoung looked into Mark's dark eyes for a moment and then shifted his gaze away, although he couldn't turn his face, his chin in Mark's hand.
“You could never do anything that would make me change my opinion of you!” Mark protested. “You can trust me!”
“I can't,” Jinyoung whispered.
“Why not?” Mark asked, troubled.
“Because it would change things,” Jinyoung replied. “I can't.”
Mark let Jinyoung's chin go and Jinyoung turned his face away again. Mark watched him before leaning back and staring at his hands.
They lay in the bed, the silence less companionable than it had been before. Mark felt Jinyoung's eyes on him. He turned to look at him again. “I don't care what it is. I promise I won't let it change my opinion of you. Please tell me.”
Jinyoung chuckled ruefully. “That's not a promise you can make.”
“I have to know,” Mark whispered. “You mean too much to me. I didn't think we had any secrets. I don't know why you think you can't tell me, but I don't know how I'll feel knowing you have something you can't share with me. What have I done that you can't trust me? What can I do to convince you that I love you, and you can tell me anything? What...”
Jinyoung's hand raised to Mark's face, cupped his cheek, and Jinyoung leaned in and kissed him.
Mark jerked back, surprised and stared at Jinyoung's face. Jinyoung hadn't pulled away, his face still close to Mark's.
“That,” Jinyoung whispered, “that is what I would have regretted not doing if the world was to end. But now I'm going to regret it, because it isn't.”
Mark stared at him. Jinyoung smiled sadly and started to lean away again. Mark grabbed his face in both hands, and kissed him in return. Jinyoung made a muffled yelp before responding.
Mark leaned back, eyes sparkling and leaned his forehead against Jinyoung's. “That, you don't have to wait for the world to end to do.” He smiled. “That, you can do because it's a day ending in y. Because you had eggs for breakfast. Because you finished reading a book. Because you started reading a book. Because you are having an awesome hair day. Because you wrote a new song. Because you miss your home. Because you miss my home. Because you miss me. Because you are sick of me. You can do that just because you feel like it. Anytime. Anywhere.”
Jinyoung was staring at Mark now, and Mark ran his thumbs over Jinyoung's cheeks. “You were right, I couldn't promise it wouldn't change my opinion of you.”
There was a knock. “Mark?” Yugyeom's voice carried through the closed door.
Mark didn't break eye contact from Jinyoung. “Not right now,” he called out. “Even if the world is about to end, whatever it is can wait.”