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Dan feels irritation in his bones. He doesn’t know where it starts or when it’ll end, but it sits there, like a ticking time bomb in the pit of his stomach on the edge of his fingertips. He paces the small amount of space that they have in this room while Phil takes a shower.
He thinks he can just leave. He can leave a note saying that he’ll be back soon and just take a walk to clear his head. It’d be the right thing to do. Sometimes Dan just wants to be impulsive and just go and not tell anyone, but he’s not like that anymore, he know that he can’t do that because people rely on him and he has built years of trust with Phil to not do that. But he’s human, and he makes mistakes and he thinks about it.
He finds himself sitting on the edge of the bed, hating how the good days seem to blur into bad days and how it’ll be gone by morning and it’s just one of those things that happen. He hates that his brain is like this, hates that he can’t do much about it. He wants to yell into a pillow or to scream out a string of curse words. He bites the bottom of his lip instead, his finger nails are growing, he can feel it against his palms.
Dan hears the shower stop and can hear the familiar lyrics of a song that’s stuck in Phil’s head. These are the things that help calm him down, listing off what’s normal and what he’s used to. It’s not that the tour is bad, it’s just that he’s tired, and the days are long, and sometimes they eat at unusual times, more than what they’re used to, and that’s all fine, but Dan needs that stability, the kind that he used to have at home.
He can ring his therapist and they’d answer, before they left he saw them one last time and went over a plan of what he can do when he gets like this, and he knows that there’s a list of things he should do, but what he wants is to be heard and to be validated that his feelings aren’t irrational and that this hot, boiling, anger will pass. He knows that it will, but Phil’s cool hand against his forehead helps, sometimes his kinds words dissipates it for a while. It’s not a cure, but it helps if just for a little while.
Maybe Dan should just sleep.
(He knows he can’t though. He has too much energy he needs to burn.)
“Phil are you almost done?” Dan knocks on the door, leaning his head against it, feeling the weight in his chest.
“Yeah. You can come in if you want, door’s unlocked.” Phil calls out from the other side, he can hear the opening of something, thinking it’s either makeup or hair product, he can’t tell, and he doesn’t want to move now that he’s here.
“No, it’s fine.” Dan says, breathing again and waiting.
When Phil opens the door Dan stumbles for a second and Phil places his hands on Dan’s arm and shoulder to steady him.
Dan doesn’t say anything, he watches as Phil scans his face and Phil smiles at Dan. It’s the kind of smile that cools the anger of a very active, unpredictable volcano. Phil take’s Dan’s face in his hands and feels the slight stubble of his cheeks and Dan closes his eyes just wanting to melt into Phil, that way maybe he wouldn’t have to be him for a while. Dan thinks it must be quieter in Phil’s mind, because right now he just wants silence.
“Walk?” Phil suggest and Dan nods, his face still in his hands.
“Okay.” Phil presses his lips against Dan’s temple.
Dan stays in the spot for a moment longer grabbing his shoes from the corner that Phil points to. It’s colour coordinated, in a row like at home.
“Grab a jacket, it’s cold out.” Phil says looking up from his phone, he sees the weather app. Dan finds that he cancels things out when he’s in a mood, forgets basic things like jackets and shoes unless he’s reminded.
“Right.” Dan grabs a sweatshirt from his suitcase, it’s not a jacket but it’s just as cozy and hopefully as warm. He doesn’t feel like completely unpacking to search for one of the few jackets that he’s brought on this trip.
When they’re walking down the hotel halls he reads the numbers and thinks about all the separate lives that people must be living behind these closed doors. His fingers brush against the walls, he used to do this all the time as a kid, feeling the texture against his fingers, it was smooth for the most part, probably dirty but he didn’t really care at the moment.
They’re quiet, not saying a word, smiling at people who walk past them. Dan looks back to see if they looked back at them, and is happy when they don’t. They’re just two people going on a walk, they exist only briefly in some people’s lives, to be forgotten about within seconds.
*
The air is cool against Dan’s skin. He sticks his hands in his sweatshirts pocket and they walk left and there’s rows of shops and clubs but it’s not as busy as it should be, Dan thinks. There’s not that many people out but just enough to make it look lively.
“Tomorrow I want to stop by here and get my dad one of those golf hats.” Phil comments as they stand in front of a window shop.
“Okay Phil.” Dan replies with a small smile. He’d get a magnet for their fridge. Phil tried to be a magnet guy, like a map of all the places they’ve been but just forgot.
Dan liked this though. He liked being able to explore the city that they’re in, he liked being able to have these new experiences with Phil. He liked trying out the different restaurants that Phil found on Yelp that he wanted to try out. Cities looked different at night, they looked more of what they were than what people think they actually are.
Dan can’t help but think that was true to them. Dan wasn’t always so loud and animated. He was this sometimes: tired, unmotivated, angry for no particular reason, sad, anxious.
Phil reached over to link his arms with Dan’s so they could walk together on a dark street, kicking rocks from the pavement, skipping over lines and glancing at touristy stores to come back to later. It was beautiful here, Dan can see them living here with its architectural madness.
*
They pass by a loud club, understanding that there’s a beat to the music but not being able to hear the lyrics. Phil holds onto Dan a little tighter.
“I’m uploading my video soon.” Phil says after a long round of silence.
Dan looks at Phil now, this is something that can distract him for a bit.
“Yeah? Are you nervous?” Dan’s eyes travel up to Phil’s hair that’s not as fluffy as it normally is during the day but he likes it all the same. Dan feels lucky just to be able to see every version of him.
“A little. I think it’ll be okay, won’t it?” Phil is saying this but it’s not really a question. Dan envies the way that Phil knows things will be okay, he’s learning the art of accepting things either way.
“Yeah, it will.” Dan gives him a real smile, bumping shoulders despite how close they actually are.
“You will too.” Phil, clever with how he weaves things; all of Dan’s insecurities and thoughts that are never spoken for but are heard of because Phil listens and understands when there’s sometimes nothing being offered. It’s a connection that Dan feels grateful for, because there will never be anyone who understands him as much as Phil does. It was special, it was delicate. It was rare.
“Yeah.” Dan says with a tightened throat.
“We had a good day.” Phil reminds him, remembering all the ridiculous things they did, all the touristy pictures they took, and all the things they bought.
*
They walk far enough to find a fish and chips shop. It’s pretty busy for such a late hour, the owner says that they stay open for the people wandering outside the clubs who get hungry. They order their food and sit at a booth in the way back, Dan putting his feet up. Phil places a hand on his shoes and watches as people come in and out of the shop, stumbling over words and carrying friends to a free seat and screaming and slurring their orders to each other.
Dan is reminded of younger days, all the clubs he made himself go to with roommates, all the times he drunk texted and called Phil just to tell him he missed him. He feels a slight blush remembering the rare occasions where he asked Phil to come pick him up despite the fact that he didn’t have a car and didn’t know which club he was at. Dan was glad that he wasn’t that age anymore, it never fitted him right, he wasn’t comfortable even remembering it.
Phil places a hand on his leg now, squeezing his leg muscle and Dan winces before he laughs a little.
“We should do some yoga later.” Phil mentions, removing his hand when he sees their order being delivered to the table.
“Yeah, you say that as our food is arriving.” Dan snorts, grabbing napkins and ready to dig into a late night snack that’ll probably make his stomach feel terrible later.
*
Phil claims that they’re not as good as they are in London. They’re debating about it now.
“They taste exactly the same, Phil.” Dan says dipping more into the tartar sauce.
“No, there’s a big difference, Dan. You’re just not seeing it.”
“Okay, I’ll let you have it this time.”
Phil looks pleased.
*
Their walk back home Dan grazes his fingers against Phil’s. They dance around holding the other’s hand, settling for holding each others fingertips. Dan sways with the wind, kicks rocks to taxis that fly by and Phil hums a familiar, soft tune.
“Are you okay?” Phil finally asks when they’re in eyesight of their hotel.
Dan wants to explain how it feels without it hurting, wants Phil to see the parts of him that he doesn’t like in full but nervous that it’ll scare him off. He wants him to see every single spot of anger that he feels against the palms of his skin and ask, why does it feel like this sometimes?
Oh, maybe because it just does.
He doesn’t say any of that, maybe because that feeling has passed like it always does. The art of letting go of things is never easy but sometimes it happens within a blink of an eye, gone without you realizing.
“I wasn’t earlier, but I’m getting there.” Dan can offer this, with a squeeze to his fingertips.
“Maybe we can sleep in a little.” Phil offers, squeezing back.
Dan would like that.
*
Phil tells Dan a wise saying about sleep that he’s heard a million times before, but he never tires of it or interrupts because Phil likes telling it since it came from his mum. “Sleep is that gold chain that ties health and our bodies together,” Dan can almost quote it.
“Have you thought about being a life coach?” Dan teases which earns him a kick to the legs and a laugh.
They’ll sleep in tomorrow, regret not getting breakfast in the morning, but those few moments in a warm bed and a little extra sleep will be worth it.