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It hadn’t felt real until she had seen his body.
When Mack walked into the lab, Jemma could tell something was wrong-- that though they may have finally broken the loop, it had come at a heavy cost. She mentally steeled herself to hear that they had lost one of the team-- her thoughts immediately went to Coulson, Daisy, even May as possible casualties. Steadfastly believing in their shared invincibility, Fitz didn’t even cross her mind as a possibility. So when Mack turned to her and said, with tear-filled eyes, “I’m sorry, Jemma. Fitz… he didn’t make it,” she rejected it out of hand. Even the universe couldn’t be that cruel.
Pushing past Mack’s large frame, Jemma called out for Fitz, her heart racing. When no answer came, panic and fear began to creep in and she sprinted toward the hangar. When she finally got there, Jemma saw something she knew would haunt her nightmares for the rest of her life.
A blood soaked Fitz-- cold, lifeless and unmistakably dead.
In that moment, she crumpled to her knees, the weight of reality too much for her to bear. Unbidden, violent sobs racked her whole body, tears streaming down her cheeks. It all became a blur after that. But eventually, she felt Mack scoop her up in his arms and carried her back to their bunk, where she cried herself into a restless sleep.
Sadness, grief, anger, guilt-- they had all crashed over her at once, fighting for dominance. But now in the light of day, what she felt most was alone. Jemma had spent most of her life with Fitz beside her and now, to be suddenly without him, it was like half of her was missing.
Jemma had said once that it was a strange feeling, never wanting to be without someone. But this feeling, of so desperately wanting to be with someone, but knowing that you never would be again was even more foreign (and unimaginably painful).
Even when they had been separated by distance or time or circumstance, she always had the hope that they would find their way back to one another to hold on to. But even that had been taken from her. There was nothing to fix, no problem to solve. Fitz was just gone and there was nothing Jemma could do about it.
Worst of all, it was her fault. She had been the one to convince Fitz of their invincibility, despite the fact that at the same time, they were actively working to change the very future that that belief was founded on. Her faulty logic was why Fitz had felt confident enough to risk his life to save Mack and Polly’s; why he was in a position for a building to collapse on him in the first place.
Before Jemma could travel any farther down that dangerous line of thought, a knock at her door broke her out of her reverie.
Jemma looked up to see Daisy hovering in the doorway, holding two mugs in one hand and balancing a plate with what looked to be a hastily assembled sandwich in the other.
“Can I come in?” Daisy asked hesitantly. “I come bearing tea and food.”
Trying to pull herself together, Jemma swiped at her red, puffy eyes and dried her tear-stained cheeks, “I’m not really hungry. And I think I’d rather be alone right now.”
Daisy bit her lip, “I get that. Believe me I do. But you need to eat. And take it from me, being alone with your thoughts is the last thing you want. Even if the company is kinda crappy.”
Jemma considered what she said and after a beat, nodded her approval. The other girl crossed the short distance to the bunk Jemma was sitting on. She set the plate down on the bedside table and stuck out one of the mugs for her to take.
“Thank you,” she said, accepting the proffered cup.
Daisy shifted her weight awkwardly, unsure of what to do next. Jemma pointedly stared at the spot on the bed next to her, wordlessly inviting her to sit down.
Sitting shoulder to shoulder with one another, the friends sipped their tea in companionable silence.
Eventually, it was Jemma who broke the silence. “So you saved the world. How does it feel?”
“We all saved the world. It was a million little things, little choices that ended up making the difference in the end. We broke the loop together.”
“I can’t believe Fitz isn’t here to see it. He was always so certain time was fixed.”
“I’m so, so sorry, Jemma. This wasn’t how your story was supposed to end. You and Fitz deserved better.”
“You know what? I’m so sick and tired of hearing that word,” Jemma spat out bitterly. “Fitz always went on and on about how he didn’t deserve me. He even mentioned it in his vows, for crying out loud. And it only got worse after what happened with the Doctor. But whether or not he ‘deserved’ me didn’t matter, never even entered the equation. Because love doesn’t work that way. Life doesn’t work that way. No, Fitz didn’t deserve to die-- just like Coulson doesn’t deserve to die. Talbot didn’t deserve to be tortured and brainwashed by Hydra, only to be co-opted by a sentient element. Yo-yo didn’t deserve to have have her arms cut off. You didn’t deserve to have your powers thrust back on you without your consent. If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life isn’t fair. And it sure as hell isn’t about what we deserve.”
Caught off guard by Jemma’s tirade, Daisy didn’t know what to say-- she was right, afterall.
Jemma picked up a framed picture of her and Fitz from one of their first missions. Tracing Fitz’s face with her finger, she asked quietly, “Do you ever miss the Bus? It didn’t seem like it at the time, but things were so much simpler back then.”
Daisy said with a sad smile, “All the time. That plane was the first place that ever felt like home.”
“Do you ever regret getting on it?” Jemma probed, unable to make eye contact.
Daisy sucked in a deep breath, “Do I regret things that have happened since then? Hell yeah. Have I ever wondered what my life would be like it I hadn’t joined S.H.I.E.L.D? Of course. But even knowing what I know now, do I regret joining, meeting all of you? Absolutely not. We’ve been through a lot together and you guys are my family.”
Jemma grabbed Daisy’s hand, intertwining their fingers, “Yeah. Me too.”
“Even when I was so angry with Fitz, with you both really, that I couldn’t see straight, I never stopped loving you both, caring about you. I think that’s why it hurt so much.”
“He knew. We both knew. And we love-- loved, you too. That’s what made it all so difficult.”
“I’m sorry I’ll never get to tell him that. That all this stuff between me and Fitz is just floating out there, forever unresolved.”
Daisy’s words struck Jemma like a bolt of lightning. She leapt up out of the bed, “Fitz! He’s out there!”
“I mean, yeah, he’ll always be with you?” Daisy said, clearly puzzled at her outburst.
“No, I mean, Fitz is out there somewhere alive. Or at least a version of him is.”
Daisy looked at Jemma like she had gone mad, “Jemma, I know you’re upset and grieving, but we can’t go messing with time travel again. It’s too dangerous. Besides, May was planning to smash the piece of the monolith into little tiny bits, so it’s not like it’s even an option.”
Jemma waved her off, “That’s okay. I don’t need it. I’m not talking about going back in time to get Fitz, I want to find him in the present.”
“Jem, you’re not making any sense. We know where Fitz is in the present…”
“Yes, this version of him, anyway. The one who rescued us in the future, the one I married, the one that died,” Jemma said, her voice trembling. Taking a steadying breath, she continued, “But somewhere out in space, there’s another version of him-- the one that cryogenically froze himself and is currently taking the long way around to get to us on the Lighthouse in the future. Except…”
Something clicked for Daisy. “... except that future no longer exists. So you’re saying that that Fitz is still frozen out there, even though we broke the loop? Man, time travel still makes my head hurt.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. And even worse, if I don’t go and get him, he’s going to wake up in 70 odd years to an intact Earth and everything and everyone he’s ever known will be gone. It’ll have all been for nothing. And he’ll be alone.”
“Okay, so we’ll go and get him. I mean, I have no idea how, but we’ll find a way. We’ll find him.”
Daisy’s use of “we” didn’t slip her notice and for the first time since Mack walked into her lab, she smiled.
The beginnings of a plan had started to form in her head, as she started mentally running through next steps. They needed to convince the rest of the team that this wasn’t completely crazy. They had to ready the Zephyr-- it may be capable of space flight, thanks to Fitz and the Gravitonium, but deep space travel was a whole different ball game. But most of all, they needed find him. Fitz had mentioned something about how Enoch had hidden them safely away orbiting a distant planet, but space was impossibly large and she had no idea where to start looking.
Without warning, Robin wandered into the room. The little girl said serenely, “I’m glad you figured it out. This will help you find him.”
Robin handed her a folded up piece of paper and the cryptic child left without another word. Jemma carefully unfolded it to reveal a crudely drawn star map. No coordinates, of course, but if she was lucky, it would be enough to plug into a database to at least give them sort of direction.
“What’s that? What did she give you?” Daisy asked.
What had she given her? 10 minutes ago, Jemma thought she had lost Fitz for good. Now, she held in her hand a piece of the puzzle that could bring him home. It was going to be messy and complicated and she hadn’t even begun to contemplate all of the repercussions. But none of that mattered. It was her turn to cross the universe for Fitz and she was going to prove that not even death was strong enough to keep them apart.
Instead of trying to put those feelings into words, Jemma handed the drawing to Daisy and said simply, “Hope.”