Chapter Text
That wasn’t really her, right?
Sayo’s reflection stared back through her bedroom mirror, curious, and she could hardly believe who she saw. She swayed side-to-side, watching her skirt brush over her knees. White pleats shaking like a gentle current in the stream, she gripped the fabric between her index finger and thumb. There was a starlight-patterned ribbon pinned just above the ruffles of her silk violet top; its ends flowed to her knees, specks shining against the black. The sleeves were a bit tight, but not quite restrictive enough to hinder her playing on the stage.
Rinko had done an amazing job on the outfits. She couldn’t have imagined making five of these all alone. So elegant, so powerful, yet dark, relaxed. How many different fabrics did it take, how much time did she put into this? She was almost envious of the girl’s skills. Did it take years of practice and self-discipline to hone her craft? Or was she just naturally good at this?
She looked closer. That girl in the mirror... wasn’t really her, was it? It couldn’t be. A trick of light, or maybe some sort of illusion. The girl on the other side of the glass was so pretty. And Sayo was so… not. The feathers around her face complimented her cheeks and her nose, her hands were graceful as they swung the dress between each end of the mirror. That wasn’t Sayo, the self-proclaimed ‘girl’ with coarse fingers and a disgusting face that not even makeup could fix. What a waste.
From birth, Sayo Hikawa was told she had to be a boy. Yet she tried to defy that, and ended up a pitiful excuse for a young woman. It was something in her that ignored all reason, something transcending skill or technique. At some point something just clicked inside and being a boy was wrong, so she needed to become a girl. Maybe it was out of her envy toward Hina, the girl who could do anything. Maybe she wished she could be her. After all, she hated herself with an undying passion because she knew her sister was better than her in every possible way. Unlike her genius sister, she lacked any natural talent or inherent strength. Everything in her life was a matter of dedication and willpower; endless practice and perfection even at the cost of everything else. How pathetic, making herself so vulnerable and so weak out of jealousy. In the back of her mind, even as she devoted her entire being to it, she knew being a girl didn’t come from practice. It was something you lucked into, and Sayo was born without luck.
She lifted the long end of her skirt to reveal a pair of black boots, their laces tied up to her knee. She raised one foot up into the air, then stomped it against the wooden floor. The clap of her heel against the wood was loud enough to send a rush of power tingling through her leg. If someone tried to mess with her, she could simply crush their toes. This could come in handy, she thought. She giggled to herself, realizing she might’ve been getting a little too into playing dress-up. She slapped her cheeks between her hands and tried to shift her focus. “Remember, this is just to keep the band in sync. Don’t get carried away.” It’s not that often she got to indulge herself though, so it was hard to resist having a bit of fun with it.
With as delicate a touch as she could manage, she tugged the blue ribbon above her chest just enough to straighten it out. She still refused to believe the beauty in the mirror was her, but otherwise, the outfit was orderly and fit perfectly. Well done, Rinko. She stepped away from the mirror to fetch her guitar from its case, but as she unsnapped the latches, an obnoxious and persistent knock tapped on the other side of her bedroom door.
“Sis, I wanna show you something cool!”
Hina invited herself in, bursting through the door before Sayo even had the chance to dissuade her. And worse, before she had the chance to change out of her stage uniform. Her pulse sped up and she backed up against the curtains, reaching back, scrambling to cover her dress. Too late, Hina was already going on about nonsense. Couldn’t she have just this one moment for herself to feel a little bit better about her hideous body? “Hina, what have I told you about staying out of my room?”
“Sorry sis, but you had to see this!” She spun around with her arms out. She wore a frilly, pastel-blue dress adorned with tiny blue ribbons all over. Was she supposed to be some sort of magical girl? It was a bizarre sight, definitely nothing like what she usually wore. “Isn’t it cool? Aya was talking about how it makes her feel all boppidy when she wears idol costumes! She does all sorts of weird poses with no shame and gets so excited. I don’t get it at all, but it’s really funny!”
Sorting through the mess of whatever the hell Hina just said, Sayo shook her head and shrugged. “What’s the big deal? It’s just an idol costume.” She had done a bit of anxiety-fueled research about her sister’s band, but the whole thing made zero sense. Idols as rock band? What was the appeal there?
“Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’d never wear this on my own accord. But Aya loves it, and I love Aya, so maybe I’ll figure it out someday!” A huge, ridiculous grin covered Hina’s face. Nothing she said made any sense, but that was just the average conversation with Hina. Any attempt to get into her head was utterly futile. She may be perfect, but she acts like she’s from a totally different planet.
Sayo sighed, more than a little eager for this conversation to be over. She gave an unpleasant frown and said, “Is that all? If so, please get out of my room now.”
Hina began stepping backwards through the door, but stopped midway out, her gaze lingering on Sayo. “Sis, where’d you get that dress? You look amazing in it!”
Oh god, please no. Hina doesn’t need to know anything about Roselia. Don’t let her get involved, no matter what. That was Sayo’s first mission when she learned Hina had picked up guitar. Yet, the praise wasn’t unwelcome per se. Amazing? Really? No, she had to be lying. She had to have some sort of ulterior motive, right? Quelling her own frustrations, she tried to come up with an answer that would just get her sister to buzz off. “This is our band’s outfit. It represents the very heart of our music.”
“Whoa, that’s so cool! I want one too!”
“No!” Sayo couldn’t hold back, her unpleasant scowl turning to an outright glare. “This is my outfit as a member of Roselia. You have no reason to wear it!”
Hina jumped back a hair. Sayo realized she was being way too harsh right now, but she couldn’t keep the anger in. She was scared, clinging so tightly onto the violet top. Please, just let me have this for myself, she wanted to beg.
“Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean we need to match outfits. You have your band, I have mine. We don’t need to share anything.”
Hina’s previously cheerful expression dropped completely. “Okay… Sorry, sis.” Guilt set in as the younger twin backed away solemnly and shut the door on her way out. Dammit, it happened again. Another outburst.
Sayo fell back into her bed and buried her face into a pillow. Her pulse returned to normal, but tears stained the pillowcase. She punched her mattress. “Stupid.” How pathetic could she get? She knew it was unhealthy, but she always measured herself in contrast with her sister. When Hina chopped off her long hair years back, she wished so much that she could have it instead. It almost felt like the tomboy was taunting her. “Haha! Isn’t it funny? I can dress however I want and nobody will question that I’m a girl!” Hina would never say it, but the way she dressed felt like a constant reminder of Sayo’s inadequacy. It was almost refreshing to see her all gaudy like that.
And her insistence on doing everything together, from sharing hobbies to matching outfits. It hurt Sayo at her core. Of course, she knew Hina didn’t mean any harm, but that didn’t change the results. It was like a knife dug into her skin whenever she had to watch her sister outshine her. She could never compare to a genius. And it was so obvious how much cuter Hina was whenever she tried to copy Sayo’s look without even realizing how it broke her spirit. Sometimes, her sister’s laughter really was a constant source of unending torment.
She pulled herself back up and stared at her sleeve. If Hina wore this, she might just die on the spot. But on the bright side, it was a handmade garment sewn by someone her sister probably had never met. She exhaled, relieved to keep hold of something for herself for once. Something Hina couldn’t touch. Hina may be talented, but she lacked the attitude Roselia needed from their guitarist. She had nothing to fear, for now at least.
Stepping back to the mirror, she ran her fingers over the fabric again from skirt to collar. The girl in the mirror had remnant streams running down her cheeks, but somehow still looked beautiful. Her hopeless gaze was a lovely kind of melancholy. The midnight rose wilted in the dark, petals broke away. Without sunlight, Sayo was a flower cursed to never truly bloom. “I don’t truly deserve to be called a girl. I’m nothing but a dreadful monster.” She couldn’t fathom it, she swore there was no way the maiden staring back was herself. Yet… Who else could it be but Sayo Hikawa?