Chapter Text
Regina hadn’t been on this porch for about five years, and it looked eerily more or less the same as how she’d last seen it. Slightly crumbly grey concrete, slightly battered plain white door, weather-worn striped overhang, mildly overgrown yet colorful flowerpots. It was as though she was suddenly twelve again, waiting for Janis’s mother to unlock the door and usher them in for dinner. She shivered despite the warm weather, trying to keep her composure. It was her first time visiting again after making up and nearly two months of dating, and it felt scarier than she had expected. Somehow Janis seemed to sense her nervous energy and squeezed her hand a little tighter as she fished her key out of her shorts pocket and fumbled to unlock the door. After a second she managed to swing the door open, gently pulling Regina into the cool, dark townhouse. For a split second Regina felt glued to the porch, but after a moment her feet began to move as she followed Janis inside the foyer.
Janis pushed the door shut with her foot and kicked off her boots, prompting Regina to follow suit. Regina barely had time to glance around as she unlaced her heels before she followed Janis up the narrow stairs and towards her bedroom down the hall.
Regina hesitated before entering the room, glancing around as though she was a stranger instead of the girlfriend of the room’s owner. In truth, Regina was hesitant not because she hadn’t been there before: she hesitated because she had. Years of sleepovers, hairstyles, silly arguments, heartfelt conversations, and whispered confessions practically impregnated the space with a ghostly presence, as though Regina could feel the eyes of the two middle schoolers she and Janis used to be watching her from the still-familiar walls. She barely had time to take it all in: the colorful posters and artwork on the walls, the bright strands of beads along the window frame, the very used-looking, full-sized pride flag draped carefully across a chair covered in laundry. It was an almost-blinding cornucopia of color, the stark opposite of her neatly maintained monochrome bedroom. Somehow it made her feel wholly unwelcome; this room wasn’t meant for her. She felt like a fake, as though someone had scrubbed off a thick layer of paint and left her with new baby skin underneath, a fresh start, naked and vulnerable. She was still struggling to find her footing in this new and exciting but sometimes scary part of her. She had been repressing it for so long it had begun to physically ache, but sometimes letting it in hurt just as much.
She was reasonably sure she was in love, but this wasn’t like the love she had experienced before. Love before had been power, the thrill of popularity, the relief of control as she felt powerless against the doubts that were gnawing away at her insides. Love was a blissful act she painted on her face and allowed to guide her actions. Love kept her safe when the real feelings came, threatening to bubble up and out and expose her to the school, to the world. Love was safety.
What she had with Janis wasn’t safety. It was almost the complete opposite. It was risk and fear and humiliation and holding her head high against the stares. It was smashing expectations like glass on pavement. It was meeting their eyes and looking away. It was contradiction and relinquishment. It was like the white-hot blaze of fear as you fall just before you’re sure someone will catch you. Yes. That’s what this love was. It was a trust fall. It was both brave and trusting. It still took bravery to go outside, oh yes. But this was a different kind of bravery. This wasn’t screwing up your courage to put on the most ferocious act of your life. This was the bravery to bare your entire soul to the world.
Her thoughts were interrupted by Janis, ever the observer, who was carefully watching her hesitation.
“Earth to Gina? You there?” She giggled slightly at her own self-deprecating joke before quieting again at Regina’s continued silence. Finally, after a few more seconds with no response, she grabbed her girlfriend’s hand, pulling her steadily into the bedroom after her. Sensing her girlfriend’s tension, she reached down and grabbed her other hand in her own as turned to face her. Unable to look away, Regina felt herself reluctantly meeting Janis’s eyes as her girlfriend watched her, willing her to speak first. She wasn’t sure she would be able to without help.
“Regina? What’s wrong? Is it something in here?” Now Janis looked concerned, as though worried she had put off her new lover by something she had done. Regina hesitated for a moment before choosing her words carefully.
“It just…. I feel like someone is watching me here.”
Janis shook her head. “No one is here but us. My mom's working the evening shift at the ER and won’t be back until late. Even so, she doesn’t mind you being here at all. I asked.”
Now it was Regina’s turn to shake her head. “It’s not that, I mean… I don’t mind your mom. I like her. I’ve always liked her. She treats you like an adult.”
Now Janis looked a little hurt. “But… now I don’t get it. What’s upsetting you? No one is here. I know this is all new and scary and I get it. But no one is here. It’s just us. We can be ourselves away from anyone who might see. Isn’t that what we wanted by coming here? If you’re embarrassed we don’t have to do anything, we can just watch a movie or something.” She still looked upset, but was clearly trying to make her comfortable. She felt a burst of guilt searing through her at the concern in her girlfriend’s eyes. She didn’t deserve Janis’s concern. She didn’t even deserve her attention. Finally, her growing guilt gave her the words she was looking for.
“I feel like I’m still here… not ME me, but like, me from five years ago. Twelve-year-old me. And maybe twelve-year-old you too. Like they’re still here, watching us. Like things used to be. But it’s not like it used to be. Things are too different. But I can’t make her go away.”
Janis thought about that for a few seconds. “I guess I can see that. A lot has happened to both of us.”
Regina nodded now that Janis was catching on. “I just… I don’t know how to face it. I don’t know why the last five years had to happen like they did, or why I did what I did. I just know I was scared as hell.”
To her surprise, Janis nodded vigorously. “I know. I did shit I ain’t proud of either. And I know we both still have a wide assortment of skeletons in our closets. We were enormous egotistical asshole jerks, not just to each other but to a lot of other people as well. And we still have secrets we’re going to keep and it’s not going to always be fun and pretty and maybe it’s even going to be kind of rotten sometimes because neither of us is perfect. But you’re kind of perfect to me, right now. And I guess all we can really do is move on from here.”
Regina felt herself blushing and did her best to stamp it down, to not get her hopes up. “But why? Why keep going? Why do you want to move on?”
Janis shrugged, as if not particularly bothered by Regina’s implications. “I don’t care about what you did, Regina. I just care about what we do.”
Regina hesitated, using a few seconds to digest and process Janis’s words. Finally, she looked up. “Thank you. For giving me a chance. Most people wouldn’t. Most people didn’t.”
Janis snorted as she let go of Regina’s hands to cross her arms over her chest. “I mean, we already know I’ve never been most people.”
Regina grinned at her. “True. Even if you don’t actually have four butts.”
Janis feigned offense. “Hey! You have NOT yet confirmed that!”
Regina wiggled her eyebrows at her girlfriend, playfully suggestive. Janis returned the look, and she had to hold in her laughter at how ridiculous they must look. Oh, how she hoped their younger selves would be happy. Maybe even proud. After a moment, she finally managed a reply. “Can we go downstairs? For now? Maybe in the living room or something?”
Janis nodded, understanding. “Of course. I mean, now that you mention it, I don’t really want twelve-year-old you watching me either. You were a real pain in the ass.”
Regina shoved her playfully. “Oh, will you STOP it!!” Truthfully though, she agreed with Janis. She liked this version of herself much better. She grabbed her hand in hers and pulled her girlfriend out of the bedroom and down the hall towards the stairs. Even though the house looked slightly different, it didn’t surprise her that she still knew the way exactly. She shivered again as they nearly tripped down the stairs, but this time it was her who reassured Janis as they fell onto the sofa.