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“Alright squad,” Terry says from the podium. “I just received word that the United Nations summit will be beginning any minute. You all are to remain here -- ready to go -- for the duration of the meeting in case of protestors.”
“Yes sir,” says Rosa with a slight nod.
“The Captain and I are leaving for One Police Plaza for our meeting with Commissioner Holt. We will be back in four hours.” Terry’s eyes narrow. “You all better not do anything stupid while we’re gone.”
“Don’t worry, Sarge. When have we ever done anything stupid?” Jake asks playfully. Terry gives him a menacing look, causing him to backtrack. “Okay, okay, we won’t do anything while you’re gone.”
Terry gives him one more glare before exiting the briefing room.
As soon as the door closes Jake turns to the rest of the squad.
“Of course we’re going to do something while they’re gone,” he whispers, his eyes lighting up. “And not just anything . Friends, it’s time for--” The door handle turns, causing him to completely change the subject.
“No Charles, I do NOT want to wax each other’s le --”
In walk Amy and Gina, both in civilian clothing.
“Oh thank god,” Jake sighs. “What are you two doing here? You’re off today,” Jake nods at Amy before turning to Gina. “And you’re supposed to be with Holt.”
“Holt agrees that my job is optional,” Gina shrugs. “And when I heard you all were stuck here, I figured you could use some entertainment a la me.”
“He definitely did not say that, but okay,” says Amy, rolling her eyes before looking back at Jake. “I needed to drop off some paperwork downstairs, but I thought I’d come up and say hi before I left. Hi!”
“Hi,” Jake grins. Six months as a married couple and he still gets butterflies whenever he sees her.
She crosses the room to where Jake is sitting and leans down to give him a peck on the lips. “There’s a bagel and coffee on your desk.”
“Aw, thanks babe.” He looks up at the squad. “How great is my wife? Seriously, name a better wife than Amy Santiago Peralta.”
“Jake, we’re losing time…” Rosa warns. Jake jumps, his attention brought back to the situation at hand.
“Right. Ames, Gina, take a seat. For today is the day you’ve all been waiting for. THE JIMMY JAB GAMES.”
Amy and Gina slide into empty chairs as the entire squad breaks into cheers.
“But this is no ordinary Jimmy Jabs,” Jake says as he pops out of his chair and begins pacing the aisle. “No, for not only has it been ten years since the inaugural competition, but it is also the tenth Jimmy Jab Games to be held in this very precinct. Which is why today’s Jimmy Jabs will henceforth be known as...drumroll, please…”
The squad obliges, hitting their hands against the table. Jake brings his fingertips together and wiggles his eyebrows in an attempt to create suspense.
“...Jimmy Jabs Ten: Decathalon of Wonder.”
Everyone oohs and ahhs at the name, their excitement evident. Everyone, that is, except for Amy, whose eyes are filled with disappointment.
“I wish I could stay,” she mutters.
Jake’s face falls. He’d forgotten Amy wasn’t on duty. As much as he loves the games and loves competing with the entire squad, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun without Amy there. Plus, this was supposed to be their first Jimmy Jabs as a married couple. According to that marriage book he’s been reading — That’s right, he reads on the reg now — they were supposed to celebrate important milestones together. What’s more important than the Jimmy Jabs?!
He’s just about to suggest she stay when Gina, of all people, beats him to it.
“Come on Amy, live a little and stay for the games. The pantsuit shopping can wait ‘til tomorrow.”
“But I have errands to run,” Amy insists, although Jake can tell she’s thinking it over.
“Come on Ames. It’s only a few hours, and we can finish all our errands tomorrow or something,” Jake suggests as he approaches her chair. As he gets closer he can tell she’s tired, and maybe a little stressed by the slight furrow in her brow. Half her squad had been out with a stomach bug last week and Amy’d been forced to work overtime to make up for the lack of manpower. He takes her hand in his. “It’d be way more fun if you stayed. But if you need to go, I totally get it.”
Amy gives him a tiny smile as she runs a hand through his hair.
“You’re sweet,” she says. “I’ll stay --”
“Yay!”
“-- But only so I can kick your ass,” she adds with a smirk, turning to face the others. “JIMMY JABS! JIMMY JABS!”
The rest of the squad joins in the chanting, and in that moment Jake’s never been more proud of his wife.
--
After the ceremonial lighting of the bagel, the detectives file into the kitchen where six items sit under various fast food napkins. Once everyone has taken their seats across from their respective object Gina begins the explanation of the rules.
“Despite the name of the games we don’t have time for an actual decathlon.”
“I stand by it,” Jake interjects.
“So we will be continuing with the traditional four game event. The loser of each game will be eliminated, while the winner will get a bonus in the final round. The overall winner will receive, along with all of the glory and pride that comes with being a Jimmy Jab champion, this magical box of mystery.”
She holds up a beat up lunch box that had to be at least thirty years old. It was metal, with a picture of…
“Wait a second,” says Jake, confused. “Is that my Superman lunch box from the fourth grade?”
“Yeah girl, I stole it from your old apartment before you moved out. Anyway,” Gina continues, “The real prize inside this box, but in order to win it you must survive all four competitions.”
“I don’t know, that box seems like a good prize to me,” Jake murmurs to Amy, who rolls her eyes.
“Sure it is, babe.”
“The first game is ‘Smoothie Move, Exlax,’” announces Gina. “Under your napkins you will find a smoothie containing a variety of foods I found in the lunchroom refrigerator. These foods include but are not limited to Charles’ latest desk yogurt, expired salami, and, as a tribute to Double J 7, month old chinese food. Whoever drinks the most of their smoothie wins.”
The squad gingerly removes the napkins to reveal a smoothie that was probably the grossest, most unnatural color Jake had ever seen.
“It looks like melted silly putty,” he says, holding the cup in the air to get a better look.
“Or one of Holt’s flavor free nutrition shakes,” Amy adds, her nose wrinkled in disgust.
Charles eyes his cup with utter terror. “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…” he murmurs to himself.
“Ugh, it smells like ass,” says Rosa. Her nostrils flare as she sets the glass down. Amy looks at her in horror.
“Why would you smell it?”
“Enough,” snaps Gina. “Contestants, place your straws in your cups. On your mark, get Seth, MEYERS!”
Jake plunges his straw into his smoothie and begins to drink as much of it as he can. He decides to take small sips, not wanting to overwhelm his stomach with...is that a pickle?!
“Why is mine crunchy?” Rosa cries in between sips.
“This tastes how cat poop smells,” gags Amy. She’s already turned a frightening shade of green.
“I don’t know why you guys are complaining, these are delicious,” says Hitchcock, who’s currently licking the edge of his cup.
It’s only three seconds later that Charles pushes his cup away.
“Nope, I can’t. Sylvia is too important to me.”
“Who’s Sylvia?” asks Gina.
“My mouth, duh. After everything she’s done for me she needed a name.”
Amy’s next to fold, setting her smoothie down with a shudder. Rosa and Scully bow out shortly after, until it’s just Jake and Hitchcock. Hitchcock’s looking close to bursting after a minute of slurping, and honestly Jake’s pretty sure his belly is filled with more air than smoothie. Jake’s actually beginning to wonder if he has a chance. But just as the thought enters his mind Amy jumps up and runs to the bathroom, her hand covering her mouth.
A couple years ago Jake would have kept going, his drive to win outweighing any form of compassion. But this is his wife and she’s clearly about to hurl, so he sets his cup down with a clatter and rushes after her.
“Ames!”
Amy ignores him, reaching the ladies room in record time and letting the door slam in Jake’s face.
He knocks on the door to the bathroom before opening. As soon as the doors open he hears a violent cough come from the stall closest to him.
“Babe? What can I do?”
A pause.
“Can you go get Gina?” she asks weakly.
Of all her possible answers, this one catches him completely by surprise.
“Gina? Our Gina?”
“Yeah, babe our Gi --.” She’s cut off by another wave of...well, you know.
“You’re sure? Gina Linetti?”
“JAKE.”
“Right, okay.” He shuts the door and turns only to run directly into Gina herself. “Aghh!”
“Lemme guess,” Gina says with a knowing smirk. “She’s asking for me?”
“Yes,” says Jake, bewildered. Gina and Amy are friends, sure. But of all the people Amy would ask for as she’s vomiting fridge smoothie, Gina’s pretty much the last person he’d have expected. Gina, on the other hand, looks completely unsurprised. She merely pats him on the shoulder as she walks past him and barges into the bathroom.
“Don’t worry Amy dearest, your favorite human has arrived.”
Jake did a double take. “Huh?”
Today is weird .
--
Fifteen minutes later both women emerge from the bathroom, Amy looking a little pale but otherwise okay. Jake grabs her hand and gives it a squeeze, pulling her to a stop as Gina keeps walking.
“You good?” he asks. She smiles as she squeezes back.
“I’m fine. Just couldn’t handle the salami-egg roll-pizza smoothie, I guess. Wonder why?” she adds with a touch of sarcasm.
“Okay,” he nods. He’s just about to ask about Gina when Rosa calls over to them.
“Come on dummies, we’re about to start round two.”
“Yeah come on, dummy,” says Amy. There’s a playful glint in her eye as she pulls him to the center of the bullpen where the rest of the squad is waiting.
Gina has already taken her perch at the whiteboard, where each of their six photos are lined up.
“Charles has been eliminated,” she announces, crossing his photo out with a red sharpie. “Surprise, surprise.”
“Sorry buddy,” Jake says, giving Charles a pat on the back.
“Thanks, Jakey.”
“Moving on,” says Gina with a dismissing wave. “The next event is called ‘Dude Where’s My Bomb?’. One at a time you will each put on a pair of drunk goggles and search for the fake bomb I have hidden somewhere in the bullpen. Whoever takes the longest loses.”
“Oh you’re going down, Santiago,” Amy says, a smug smirk flickering across her face. “Drunk goggles are my shit.”
“You sure, Peralta?” Jake asks with mock concern. “Because I seem to recall you falling down a flight of stairs in drunk goggles mere months ago.”
“That was Charles,” Amy retorts.
“Yeah Jake that was me. How dare you confuse me, your best friend in the entire world --”
“-- Amy’s my best friend.”
“-- YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD,” Charles repeats, “With this flooze.”
“Hey that’s my wife!”
“Yeah not cool man,” Amy adds.
“SILENCE!” Gina bellows. Everyone shuts up at once. “You savages. ”
Rosa gives Gina a silent nod of approval, causing Gina to wink back before continuing.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, we will go in the order of the last game’s winners. Which means -- and I can’t believe I’m saying this -- Hitchcock will be going first. Hashtag shudder.”
“Yeah baby!” Hitchcock says smugly.
Hitchcock’s winning the Jimmy Jab games. Amy’s suddenly besties with Gina . And he just confused Amy for Charles.
If Jake didn’t know better, he’d think he was in the Upside Down.
--
It turns out the day’s more normal than he thought, because both Hitchcock and Scully get eliminated within the span of twenty minutes. Hitchcock straight up left the precinct during his turn because he heard someone mention an ice cream truck outside and Scully fell down the stairs in his drunk goggles less than thirty seconds after his turn started.
“We are now down to the final three,” says Gina as she crosses out both Scully and Hitchcock on the leaderboard. “Which leads us to the acting portion of the competition.”
“Oh no,” murmurs Amy.
“Ha HA!” Jake cries. “You might as well throw in the towel now, Ames. We both know that I, Jacob Peralta Santiago, am the KING of --”
“Not that, Jake.”
The shakiness in her voice causes Jake to look over to where his wife is sitting, once again a ghastly shade of green. She has one hand on her stomach and her gaze is trained on the floor, on the one blue tile she always focuses on when she’s feeling panicky. Or nauseous, apparently.
“Ames?” he asks timidly. “Babe, you good?”
Amy gives one shake of the head before jumping out of her old desk chair and racing to the bathroom.
Jake follows suit, fully planning on barging in this time because she’s his wife and she’s sick goddamn it, but before he can take even a step in that direction he sees someone walk past him.
Gina.
“I got it, Jakester,” she says as she continues past him.
“What? No,” Jake sputters. “Gina, I love you but I can go, you don’t have to --”
“Let her go,” says Rosa, grabbing his arm to stop him from going after Gina. “She’s got this.”
“Got WHAT? Rosa what the hell is going on?!” His voice is higher than he’d care to admit, but there’s clearly something going on that he doesn’t know about and it is stressing him the fuck out. “Rosa, if she’s sick or something I feel like as her husband I should be in the know. Right now I could not feel more outside the know.”
Rosa rolls her eyes. “Nothing, dude. Relax. Gina has some mystical salve that she insists cures nausea. Amy wanted to try it. Just let her be.”
“Mystical salve?” Jake asks, raising his eyebrows. Amy would never buy into that.
“Ugh I know,” says Rosa with a slight look of disgust. “I’m pretty sure it’s just Vicks with raw ginger in it, but whatever. When she was...well, when she was sick she said it was the only thing that helped.”
Jake has approximately five million more questions. How did Rosa and Gina know that Amy was sick and not him? When did Amy start taking advice from Gina? And when did Gina start offering it?
But just as he’s about to ask, Gina and Amy are walking out of the bathroom.
“Alright losers, listen up!” Gina calls from the front of the hallway.
Jake gives Amy a look, raising his eyebrows with concern.
“You okay?” he mouths.
She nods and gives him a slight, almost shy smile.
“In the interest of time we will be cancelling event three and moving straight into the final event,” Gina continues. “Rosa, as you came in third in ‘Dude Where’s My Bomb?’, I am sorry but you have been eliminated.”
Oh crap. There is no way Rosa will take this without a fight. Rosa’s come in second the past two Jimmy Jabs, and they all knew how badly she wanted a win.
So imagine his surprise when Rosa merely plops down into her chair, rests her feet on her desk and says, “Fine by me.”
“WHAT?!” Jake exclaims, unable to mask his confusion any longer. “How are you okay with this?”
Rosa just rolls her eyes. “Because, unlike you, I don’t need to win a stupid game to know that I’m a badass.”
“That stings, but okay. I guess,” Jake says, giving her one final confused look before turning to Amy. “What about you? You sure you can do this, babe?”
Amy walks over to him and places a hand on his chest. His heart instantly slows at her touch, allowing him to actually relax for the first time since this crazy-ass day began. She glances up at him with a sweet smile, pecking his lips before pulling back and looking him right in the eye.
“I promise I am more than able to kick your ass.”
“Alright then!” Gina exclaims. “She seems fine to me.”
Jake lets out a relieved laugh as he removes Amy’s hand from his chest and interlaces their fingers together. The entire precinct gathers around the couple, who are now standing right in the center of the bullpen. The scene is not unlike Jimmy Jabs of years past, except now instead of trying not to flirt with her, Jake is openly holding Amy’s hand and fiddling with her rings, wondering how in the world he got the hottest and smartest girl in the world to actually fall in love with him.
“The final event of the Decathlon of Wonder will be, as per tradition, an obstacle course,” Gina announces. “If the contestants could please keep their hands off each other, I will explain the rules,” she adds with a pointed look at both of them.
Jake gives Amy’s hand one final squeeze before letting go.
‘Thank you,” says Gina with a swift nod. “First, contestants must enter the break room, where they will eat an entire donut without using their hands. Then you will race to complete Pin the Tack on the Terry, in which you will have to successfully place a thumbtack on a picture of Terry, specifically Terry’s nose, while wearing a blindfold. Once Terry has been successfully tacked you must race to the bulletin board on the second floor, where you will tear off a phone number from a roommate advertisement. And finally, you will return to the bullpen, where you must solve a riddle in order to be granted the key to the box of mystery.”
“Oh Amy,” says Jake with a smirk. “Amy, Amy, Amy. Are you ready to be owned by your loving, incredibly talented husband?”
Amy rolls her eyes.
“Weird take on a very strong and wonderful marriage, but okay.”
“Contestants, to your starting positions,” says Gina, cutting them off. Amy and Jake lineup facing the breakroom. “On your mark, get set, HARMON!”
All the worry, all the weirdness of the day flies out the window as Jake and Amy sprint towards the break room, where two donuts sit on the worn wooden table. The crowd files in after them, cheering both detectives on as they hold their hands behind their backs and attempt to eat their respective donut. Jake finishes a hair ahead of Amy, jumping out of his chair mere seconds before Amy takes her final bite.
“Eat my dust, Peralta!” he calls over his shoulder as he flies across the bullpen to the briefing room.
Unfortunately for him Amy’s lighting fast, so she reaches her station before Jake’s even finishing putting on his blindfold, an old bandana Gina found in the lost in found.
“Why can’t I get this stupid blindfold on?” he practically growls as he fumbles over the ends.
“Why can’t I get this stupid blindfold on -- title of your sex tape.” Amy briefly turns her head to smile at him, her eyes already covered by her own makeshift blindfold. It’s simultaneously the most sexy and most frustrating thing in the entire world.
“You wish,” Jake retorts. Amy’s grin widens before she feels around for her first tack.
“Yeah I do.”
“God, I love you.”
Finally after what had to be his fiftieth try Gina announces “Jake has tacked Terry’s schnoz!”, eliciting a groan from Amy and a full on “WOOP WOOP” from Jake.
He races down over to the elevator and this time he doesn’t even think about holding the door open for Amy. This year he’s winning all on his own, no matter what the cost. (Within reason, he’s not an animal.)
It takes forever for the elevator to come to a stop and for the doors to slide open. He scours the room for a bulletin board that might have a roommate flier on it, but just as he spots it he hears the familiar ping of the elevator door. Sure enough Amy’s flying straight towards him as soon as the doors open wide enough for her to squeeze through.
“NO!” he cries, lunging towards the board and ripping off the first phone number he sees. Amy’s right behind him as he slams his palm into the up button, hitting it repeatedly until the doors slide open. This time he actually hits the door-close button, but it’s too late. Amy runs into the elevator with at least five seconds to spare. Her cheeks are tinted pink, all evidence of her earlier sickness gone as they wait for the elevator to take them to their final challenge.
“You know Ames, you might as well just call it quits now while you can,” Jake says with a careless grin. Might as well take the time to slip in a little trash talk, just for kicks. “I’m clearly gonna win.”
“We’ll just see about that, babe,” Amy says with a smirk. There’s a twinkle in her eye, one that makes his heart physically ache, and for a second Jake is taken aback by just how beautiful his wife is. She’s in her favorite pair of jeans and his favorite sweater of hers, the pink one that makes her skin look like caramel. It’s almost, almost enough for him to want to give up entirely, to let her win and let his prize be seeing her happy, but then the elevator comes to a halt and the doors open and forget that, he has a Jimmy Jabs to win!
The two of them fly to Gina’s desk where a sealed envelope waits for each of them. Jake tears his apart and reads the question:
As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven sacks, every sack had seven cats, every cat had seven kittens. Kittens, cats, sacks, wives. How many were going to St. Ives?
At first Jake freezes, the presh of trivia and riddles almost costing him the competition right then and there. But he reads the question again, and again, swearing he’s heard this particular puzzle before. In a movie, maybe? That’s when it hits him--
“It’s the Die Hard puzzle,” he gasps. Without thinking he calls out the answer. “One. The answer is one!”
“Ding ding ding,” announces Gina. “We have a winner!”
“YES!” Jake cries. The crowd around them erupts into cheers as Jake slaps the paper with the riddle on the desk before lifting both his fists in celebration. “I AM THE KING OF JIMMY JABS!”
“Congratulations Jake,” says Gina as she removes a tiny silver key from her front pocket. “Now I believe this belongs to you.”
“You hear that, babe?” Jake says as he snatches the key out of Gina’s outstretched hand. “I believe we now know who is the most glorious member of this couple?”
Amy, God love her, doesn’t look the least bit put out by the fact that she lost the games. In fact, she is downright beaming. Why is she so happy?
“Care to congratulate me?” he asks as he dramatically waves the key in front of her face. “Me, the winner of five out of ten Jimmy Jab Games?”
Amy rolls her eyes as she gives him a playful shove.
“Just open your prize, weirdo.”
Jake grins as he takes the key over to the box, which had been left on Amy’s old desk.
“You know, I really shouldn’t be that surprised anymore,” Jake continues as he slides the key into the lock. “I think I’m just gonna have to accept that I am the ultimate --”
He pauses as the box clicks open, revealing a plain white box with his name written in Amy’s careful cursive.
“What’s this?” he asks, his heart racing as he looks up to see Amy’s smile has grown even wider. “Why’s my name on the box?”
“Just open it,” she says, prodding him along. He gives her one final look of bewilderment before removing the lid. His jaw drops, his stomach filling with the most wonderful mix of joy, confusion, and excitement he could have ever imagined.
Because laying in the box are five positive pregnancy tests.
“Ames…” he whispers, looking up to see tears running down his wife’s face. “What the...Is this for real?”
“Mhmm,” she nods, bringing her hand up to her mouth in the way that makes him melt. “I took them two days ago on my lunch break. I was going to tell you right away, I swear! But then Rosa found me asleep in Babylon clutching the test and she got Gina to help me with the nausea and we kind of came up with this...”
She’s cut off by Jake lifting her off the ground in an (almost) bone crushing hug. He spins her around before gently bringing her back to earth. His arms stay around her waist as he touches his forehead to hers.
“We’re having a baby?” he whispers. He bites his lower lip in an attempt to contain his excitement but it’s no use. His grin is so wide it almost hurts.
“We’re having a baby,” she repeats, joy saturating her voice.
“Oh my god...” He lets out a laugh as he kisses her, rubbing the tears away from her cheeks as he brings a hand to her face. The crowd around them whoops and hollers, but they could care less. Because Amy is pregnant and they’re gonna be parents and he loves her so damn much .
After they break apart Amy leans into his chest as Jake wraps his arms around her waist.
“You’re really happy about this?” she murmurs, her voice vibrating against his heart.
“Oh Ames,” he all but whispers as he plants a kiss on the top of her head. “I am so, so happy about this.”
“Me too.”
“I do have one question though,” he says, causing her to take a step back so she can actually see his face.
“Yeah?”
He brushes a small piece of hair out of her eyes as gently as he can.
“Are you...are you saying I knocked you up?!”
Amy bursts into giggles as she runs her hands down his arms. It's the most beautiful sound he’d ever heard.
“Yeah babe, you sure did.”