Work Text:
(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)
When Barnabus woke one sunset, Willie was waiting beside his coffin, looking more nervous than usual. "Oh. Hi, Barnabus. I was just... you know..."
Barnabus raised his cane, and Willie flinched. "What are you afraid to tell me, Willie? What have you done?"
"Nuthin', nuthin', I swear it! It's just... people, I heard people in the Blue Whale this mornin'. Talkin' about you."
"Who was talking about me?" Barnabus lowered the cane. He was hungry, but he could wait. For a little while. He showed Willie a bit of fang.
Willie began talking faster. "Doesn't matter who. Nobodies, just workmen. They was drunk, and talkin' about how they'd seen you, cuz of the cape, they remember you. An' one said he'd seen you at Collinwood when he was leavin' to meet his friend an' his friend said he saw you at the Blue Whale before his friend got there."
"So?"
"It's just... you don't got a car, Barnabus. People can't go that fast without a car."
In the old days, Barnabus could claim to have a fast horse, but people these days noticed horses even more than capes. "Very well, purchase an automobile, Willie."
"Fine, that's good. I'll drive you where ever you wanna go."
"No. I have other work for you. I shall drive the vehicle myself."
"Um... Barnabus, do you know how?"
"It's a machine, how difficult can it be to operate?"
"It's harder than it looks. Julia could drive you. She likes you."
"Dr. Hoffman also has other work to do." Barnabus arranged his cape more smoothly. It always became disarrayed in the coffin. Perhaps he would have Willie install more padding. "Go purchase the vehicle, Willie. Nothing ostentatious, but large enough to handle... cargo." Barnabus glanced at his coffin.
"Yeh, sure, sure thing, Barnabus. Um... I need money."
Barnabus looked at Willie. "You may sell the contents of the small brass trunk in the attic. Now, do not disturb me any further." Barnabus didn't want to miss his breakfast date with a plump and juicy barmaid. He left in a swirl of cape.
Willie went up to the attic and opened it. "Marbles?" He scratched his head. "Barnabus expects me to buy a car with old marbles?"
"This one is flawed, as you can clearly see," the antique dealer that Barnabus always dealt with (and who knew better than to cheat him) said, holding a large pale green marble up to the light.
"Yeh, right, so what'll you give me." Maybe Willie can steal a car in another town, if he can get enough marble money to pay for new plates and a paint job.
"Thirty. That's my best offer."
Good thing Willie knows someone from stir. He can get the plates for that. "All right, I'll take it."
"Excellent." The dealer put the marble down to one side, and picked up a shiny red one. "Now, this one is in perfect condition. Fifty."
Willie looked at the uncounted hundreds of marbles, blinked and pulled up a chair. "You played marbles a lot as a kid?"
"A bit, but I didn't use jade and carved gemstones for mine. I'd say these were handmade in China for export in the 1790's."
A few hours later, Willie drove back to the old house with most of Barnabus's marbles and a beautiful, brand new, 1966 Chevvy Impala station wagon, in shiny, shiny black. He was buffing the hood when Barnabus returned with lipstick on his cheek, and a few long blonde hairs on his cape. The cape was a chick-magnet, Willie thought. Willie looked up at Barnabus and grinned. "Two hunnerd and thirty-eight horses under the hood! Ain't she a beauty."
Barnabus walked around the long, long length of car. "Willie, I did specify inconspicuous, did I not?"
"Oh, hey, yeh, but this car just... it called out to me, it wanted you to have her!"
"Her? Willie, this is a car." Sometimes Barnabus thought he'd hit Willie over the head with his cane one too many times.
"Yeah, yeah, but what a car! Look, I can carry stuff to work on the house, an' you can, you know, fit anything in the back. An' it's black!" Willie looked puppy pitiful.
Barnabus sighed. "It will do." He opened the door and looked at the mechanisms. "Which button starts it?"
Willie gulped and handed Barnabus the key. "You sure you don't want me to teach you?"
Barnabus slid behind the wheel and turned the key. "Nonsense. What can you possibly..." He put his foot down and the car leaped backward, roaring. Willie ran after him, shouting. "No, no, baby! Noooo."
Julia finished applying the plaster to Willie's left leg. "He has a station wagon? Oh, my god."
"Yeh." Willie looked at his leg. "And someone's got to teach him to how to stop without running over people. He says the car did it by itself." Willie rolled his eyes. "I think he's just used to, you know, horses."
Julia sighed. "It's insane. Suppose he gets stopped by a police officer? He can't even show a license!"
"Oh, that. Yeah, he found out where the licensing clerk lives an' he got them to open up an' let him apply for a learner's permit at night."
"Oh, that's being inconspicuous. You can't drive at night with a learner's permit."
"You try tellin' that to him. He don't lissen to me!"
Julia patted Willie on the shoulder. "He'll get tired of the car soon enough. We just have to teach him the basics until he gets bored enough to let us drive him."
"We?" Willie pointed to his leg.
"You can sit in the back and help navigate that boat. You could have bought him a Beetle, for heaven's sake!"
Willie imagined Barnabus in a bright yellow bug, and nearly choked, laughing.
Julia dug in the glove compartment for the driver's manual. "First you learn the rules of the road, then we can practice driving on the back roads."
Barnabus flipped through the book idly. "I don't need to learn this. Once I know how to operate the vehicle I will simply inform the clerk I've passed the test and have him issue me a license." He frowned.
"What's wrong? Did he suspect anything?" Julia knew Barnabus's hypnotism didn't work on everyone. For her, it was the cape.
"He was too small-minded to entertain suspicion. However..." Barnabus handed her the learner's permit, which had a copy of his portrait in the place of a photo. "He insisted on restricting me to daylight driving."
Julia just barely managed not to say 'I told you so,' to Willie in the back seat. "Yes, well, they'll take that off once you get the regular license."
Barnabus started the engine, put on the headlights, and put the car into gear. The engine roared and it leaped forward, cutting across the road to flatten a scarecrow guarding a vegetable patch. Willie screamed. Julia flinched. Barnabus said sternly, "Now, you stop that!"
The windshield wipers flipped Barnabus off. He picked up his cane and belted the dashboard. The car's engine whined and it slowed. Barnabus patted the steering wheel. "I think we understand each other now, Christine."