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"I'm just saying, if ice can float on water, then rocks should float on lava. Y'know, because rocks are just hardened lava."
Ryan twitched before smirking. "Gavin," Wrong. "Gavin," Wrong. "Gavin, Gavin." Wrong, WRONG. "Gavin. I can't even begin to express how incorrect you are." Acceptable.
"C'mon, luv, I like to think it's not completely silly." Gavin retorted as they walked down the hall of Gavin's apartment complex.
Stairs. Stairs. Fifty-two stairs total. Count stairs. "It totally is." Wrong. "It honestly is."
"Now that's just-Bollocks!" He heard Gavin squeal before the younger man was tumbling down the stairs, his thin body bouncing off the edge and throwing him down the second set.
"GAVIN!" Wrong! "GAVIN, Gavin, Gavin!!" WRONG WRONG!!! "GAVIN!" Ryan began to rush down the stairs after him, screaming his name.
Fear. Count stairs. Twenty-three stairs. Fear. Panic. Fear. Fear. Fear. Count Stairs. Fifty-two stairs. Step back three times to compensate for incorrect number. Step forward two. Wrong. Step back three. Step forward two. Compensate. Compensate. Fear.
Ryan growled aloud with frustration, having Gavin so close and crumpled on the ground as he repeated his steps, his mind not letting him reach his injured boyfriend. He finally advanced, crouching beside the young man.
"Bloody Hell, that hurt." Gavin groaned, low and whiny, as he sat up. He winced and Ryan sighed in relief. Injured. Worry. Worry. Worry. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin. Gavin.
"Are you alright?" Wrong. "Are you okay?" Spoken wrong. "Okay?"
Gavin nodded, twisting his limbs one-by-one experimentally. He had a busted lip, a small bead of blood swept away by his tongue as he flexed his fingers. When he tried to move his right leg, however, he squeaked out his pain.
"I think I bloody broke my leg." Gavin admitted, a small gasp escaping his lips as he once again twitched it.
"Stop that!" Concern, hospital, doctor, concern, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. "We need to get you to the hospital. Hospital. Doctor. Hospital." He wrapped his arms around Gavin, hauling up the Brit in a bridal style. Wrong. He placed Gavin back onto the ground, muttering several apologies at his pained whine, before picking him back up again.
"Don't worry, luv. It's only a broken leg." Gavin tried to soothe as Ryan lowered him into the back seat of his car, but the older man's head was cluttered for another reason as he approached his door, stepped back, re-approached, and opened and closed the door five times before he could finally enter the car and begin the ritual of turning it on. Worthless. Useless. Burden, burden, burden, burden. Danger. Danger. Danger to Gavin, wrong, Gavin, wrong, Gavin, wrong, Gavin, Gavin.
Each hiss and gasp that came from the back seat only reminded Ryan he was being too slow, was wasting too much time with every repeat of a motion or incorrect movement he did and by the time they reached the hospital, Ryan was close to tears. The eyes on him seemed to burn as he walked in with Gavin in his arms. Five steps forward. Ten steps back. Stares. Ten steps forward. Wrong. Wrong. One, two, three, four, five. Stares. Injured Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin.
"Hello, sirs, how can I help you?" The receptionist asked kindly, worried eyes on Gavin, when they finally approached.
"He thinks he's broken his leg." Ryan supplied and Gavin nodded, his face pale and shiny with sweat.
"It really bloody hurts." He croaked and it looked as if even speaking caused pain.
"Okay, just fill out these forms and we'll get to you as quickly as possible." She smiled apologetically as Gavin took the clipboard and pen, wincing when Ryan carried him to the waiting chairs and helped him to sit down.
"Is there anything I can do, Gavin?" Wrong. "Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin?"
"Nah, babe, I can fill em out." Gavin grunted, shifting slightly.
"Mommy, why did that man walk in weird?" The whispered words of a nearby child stuck out like a sore thumb to Ryan and he tilted his head slightly to hear the conversation behind him.
"I don't know, honey. Hush." The mother scolded and Ryan bit his lower lip.
"Are you okay, luv?" Gavin asked, mistaking his look for one of another emotion.
"I'm fine." Wrong. "I'm okay. Okay. I'm okay. Okay. I'm... Okay. I am. I am. I'm okay." The phrase continued to pour out of his mouth, unstoppable in his quest for the perfect uttering of it.
"Is he sick?" The little voice was heard again and his stomach turned.
"I don't know. Quiet, Veronica."
"He's weird, Mommy." Ryan's jaw set and he felt his eyes begin to burn as tears threatened to form. He blinked several times, focusing his gaze on the ground as Gavin worked on filling out papers, completely oblivious to the situation.
I'm weird. Weird. Threat. Burden. Liability. Weird. Weird. Weird.
"Luv? Can you bring these papers up for me?" Gavin's voice interrupted his thoughts and his mind became momentarily scattered as it regained composure. He nodded five times, taking the clipboard in his hands as he shakily stood. He fought his every urge to step back but his diseased mind won the battle as he retraced his steps several times before finally handing the information back to the kindly woman at the front desk.
His hands were clenched into fists as he made his way back to Gavin, painfully aware of everyone's eyes on him. The little girl was staring at him most, her child mind not warning her to try to be inconspicuous, and her wide eyes bore into him.
"Fucking freak." He heard it muttered, so quietly that you wouldn't even know it had been said lest you'd been listening exactly for it, exactly for the thing he always expected to hear and never seemed to forget.
He sat down, body angled downwards, and grimaced as he felt the tears prick at his cheeks, teasing him with his failure to keep his composure.
"Ryan?" Gavin's whisper of his name was accentuated with a pained yelp as he attempted to move closer to his boyfriend.
"Gav, Gavin, Gav, Gav, Gavin. Don't move. You're just going to hurt yourself." He sniffed once, attempting to keep his voice light and concerned, but Gavin was not having it.
"James Ryan Haywood, you look up at me right now." The Brit demanded and Ryan cursed quietly before obeying the order, certain his eyes were red and wet. "Y-you're crying." Gavin seemed caught off-guard and he was immediately worried.
"I'm fine, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. Gavin." He mumbled, trying to keep a straight face.
"Is he sick? Is that why he's weird?" The little girl's voice, so small and innocent for such unknowingly hurtful words, once again drifted through and Ryan's glance in her direction betrayed exactly why he was so upset.
Gavin looked up at that, scanning around the room to see adults snap their heads down suddenly, as if they'd been caught doing something awful.
"Oh." The single syllable left his mouth before his brow furrowed, an angry look overtaking his usually-joyful features. "No." He squirmed in the seat, gripping the edge as he pushed himself up.
"Don't-"
"No, Ryan." Gavin interjected, wobbling precariously as he attempted to balance on his good leg. Ryan automatically held out an arm to help steady him and Gavin flashed him an appreciative look before clearing his throat.
"All of you should be ashamed! You stare at this man like he's a freak show!" Gavin called out to the waiting room, the occupants of it keeping their head down. "I know you all can hear me, and I know bloody well you were staring." He accused and a particularly rude-looking man finally looked up.
"It's hard not to with that freak saying and doing things so weird." He scowled and Gavin looked absolutely livid.
"Gavin, please. Gavin, Gavin, Gavin please, Gavin. I'm not worth it." Not worth it, not worth it.
"Ryan, hush. This is a good man you're talking about. He works hard and he doesn't let his illness hinder him because he's so full of goodness that sometimes I can't even comprehend how he keeps going. But he does, every day, and I'm so proud of this man so if you want to say a damn bad thing about him, broken leg or not, I will bloody end you." Gavin's voice was low and menacing, glaring at the other man, and there was a tense silence between them.
"Gavin Free." A nurse's head popped out of a nearby door and she called the name cheerily, disrupting the stand-off.
"C'mon. Come on. C'mon." Ryan stood, looping an arm around Gavin's hip. Gavin allowed it, wrapping his hand securely around Ryan's shoulder, but his eyes never left the now-embarrassed looking man as they slowly made their way down the hall and into the empty doctor's room.
After they'd situated, Ryan said nothing. Finally, Gavin broke the quiet.
"Ryan, you know that you're not a freak, right?" Liar, lies. Liar. Liar. Lie.
"Yeah." But his voice was less than convincing.
"Ryan." Gavin demanded and Ryan sighed.
"Gavin, Gavin. Gavin, Gav, Gavin. You... You fell down the stairs. Tripped down the stairs. Fell. You fell down the stairs, and I couldn't even get to you because I was too busy retracing my steps, over and over, making sure everything was perfect. Correct. Perfect. You could have been dead, or dying, and so close, but I couldn't reach you. What if... What if you really get hurt one day, and I can't save you because of my fucking illness? I'm a danger to you." Burden. Just a burden.
"Don't be silly, Ryan. I love you, and I'm not worried. That won't happen, and everything will be okay. Don't think so poorly of yourself, luv." Gavin smiled and Ryan forced himself to do the same back, but the insecurities still blared in his mind.
For the rest of the doctor's appointment, Ryan thought. He thought as he helped a newly-braced Gavin back into his car, he thought as he picked up medication, and he thought as they sat in Gavin's apartment.
And when Gavin finally fell asleep in a drug-induced slumber, Ryan came to a decision. He packed up the little belongings he had scattered there, scrawled a note, and he left.
-
It was noon when Gavin finally awoke, groaning at the pain that automatically filled his body. He'd only fractured his ankle, but he'd be damned if it didn't hurt like a bitch. He was surprised to see Ryan wasn't cuddling with him, but supposed the older man had slept on the couch to eliminate any possibility of kicking his bad leg in the night.
"Ryan." He croaked loudly, waiting for the older man to come and grumbling to himself when he didn't. "Bloody arsehole, wake up!" He teased, pulling himself to his feet and limping into the living room; it was empty. "Ryan?" No reply; maybe he'd gone home after all. He was about to make his way to the kitchen when a piece of paper that had not recently been there caught his eye. He picked it up, confused, and began to read:
Gavin,
I hate to do this via note, but any other way would be too hard or just didn't seem right. I can't do this anymore, Gavin. I can't pretend that I'm okay and that I can actually have a happy relationship. I can't act like I'm normal, like I deserve something like what we have... had.
I love you so much, but I've been so very selfish. You, incredible as you are, deserve someone who is normal. You deserve someone that doesn't need to check everything over and over again, someone that can kiss you once in the morning and not make you late to work, someone that can pick you up if you're injured and take you to the hospital without wasting time on making every step just right. I can't do that for you, Gavin. You don't deserve to have to deal with the stares and words thrown at us when we go outside because I'M the freak. I've been so very unfair to you, Gavin, subjecting you to this. So I won't anymore. Please, be with someone that can give you everything I couldn't and be happy. I can't be a burden to you, or to anyone, anymore.
With all of my love,
Ryan.