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The thing was, Jinyoung knew that he was just a shelter. He knew that he was always there for Jaebum, for anything and everything he would want him for. He was there to take him in his arms after a long day and rub circles in his back while telling him that it would be okay. Jinyoung was also there for the late nights, for the times that Jaebum would pull him into a searing kiss that not only takes his breathe away, but it makes his toes curl and his chest feel like it is constricted. It made him feel like he was never going to get enough, and it always left him wanting more.
Those nights Jaebum would tear him apart, but he always left Jinyoung to put himself back together.
Sometimes he would question what Jaebum's motive in all of this was. If it was just some kind of relief for him because there wasn't really any other options (not that this was really an easy one either). Their contract made things tricky, because they weren't allowed to date any girls, and Jinyoung can't even imagine if ti was a boy nonetheless. Their jobs could be stressful however, so maybe that was just what this was.
But then there was the times that Jinyoung swore that it was something more, that it couldn't be just nothing. Not after some of the nights they spend, not after the years that they have spent. After putting it all together, he knew that he meant something to Im Jaebum. They are best friends, they have been best friends.
It made him frustrated, annoyed, and it made him just sad. Sad that he probably wasn't going to know what it is like to actually be with Jaebum. To hold his hand and pull him into a kiss, to cuddle him, or anything else. Jaebum would never let Jinyoung do any of that in front of the other members. Which, was total bullshit. Jinyoung would cuddle, hug, and hold hands with Mark and Jackson all the time. He was also always all over Youngjae, BamBam, and Yugyeom, because they are his little babies. The members wouldn't care.
But Jinyoung knew that wasn't fully it, he knew that Jaebum was scared.
Of what? Jinyoung didn't know, or maybe he knew it all too well. Of what people would say, his family, their fans, management. If GOT7 would suffer because of it. He knew that the band overall was more important that his relationship with Jinyoung, as much as it hurt for him to admit that.
Sometimes Jinyoung would get so pissed at himself, for having these feelings. For loving Jaebum like he does. But he doesn't even know what Jaebum wants, and Jinyoung can only do so much for him, can only be so much for him. What can Jinyoung even do? All he can do is kiss Jaebum when Jaebum wants to kiss him, or stay up late and talk to him about things, which was something they had always done.
Jinyoung supposed that it always bothered him that he was never sure about how Jaebum feels about him, because he has never told him. Turning his head a bit to the left, he turned to look at Jaebum, who was talking with Jackson. Sighing he turned to look back out the window of the car.
Honestly Jinyoung probably entertained the idea of them actually being in a relationship more than he should. He couldn't help it though, wishing that they could be more. It's not like they couldn't be, because they very well could be. And they would do great, he thinks, a good couple. They knew each other best, the soulmate thing not being too far off, as much as it is a joke among the members and their fans. Sometimes Jinyoung could be a realist, but deep down in his heart he knew he was a dreamer, and if the concept of soulmates was are real, then he was positive that Jaebum is his.
Feeling eyes on him, Jinyoung let his flick back, and Jaebum was staring right at him. His head was tilted slightly to the left, and one of his eyebrows was raised as he stared at Jinyoung. Shifting a bit in his seat, Jinyoung gave him a small smile before turning back to the window to watch the passing scenery, the light of the cars lighting up the road.
Hopefully soon they would get back to their apartment because Jinyoung wanted out of these clothes and wanted on sweats. He also wanted a shower, but he was too tired too actually fight for one. He'll just suffer and deal with a colder shower later on.
Not too long afterwards, they were back at their apartment, and Jinyoung lingered in the back, slightly corralling the others to get inside. As he predicted, Jackson and Yugyeom had claimed the showers first. Mark and BamBam called to shower after them, and that left Jaebum, Jinyoung, and Youngjae to not say anything.
Once everyone was in, Jinyoung closed the door and headed to his room. He was glad that he roomed alone, because then he didn't have to keep putting on the act that things were okay. Actually, rooming alone was the best. He could cry if he wanted, masturbate if he wanted, and if Jaebum wanted to come, then they could do whatever they wanted to do.
After changing out of the clothes, Jinyoung sat on the edge of the bed wondering what to do. He wanted to read the current book he was reading, but he knew his thoughts were too much at the moment to focus on that.
When he door opened, Jinyoung's head shot up, ready to bitch at Yugyeom or BamBam for not knocking first, or telling Jackson that he was too tired to talk right now, but it was Jaebum would was walking in, closing the door right behind him.
Of course, Jaebum looked illegally handsome, his hair messy, sweatpants on and a black tank top. Gulping Jinyoung let his hands curl into fists on his knees as Jaebum approached him. Once he was standing in front of Jinyoung, he looked down at Jinyoung, his dark eyes blinking. His expression changed to concern, and his hands cupped Jinyoung's face so that Jinyoung was looking up at him. He leaned down and pressed a kiss against his forehead, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing-" Jinyoung tried to shake his head, as much as he could with Jaebum's hands cupping is cheeks. But in the end he betrayed himself, because he felt a tear fall down and he sucked in his breathe.
The action made Jaebum's eyebrows knit together as he moved his thumb up to wipe the tear away. His voice was soft, too soft and caring as he said, "Tell me what you need."
Looking up at Jaebum, Jinyoung parted his lips about to speak, but the words got caught in his throat. Still unable to say a word, he brought his hand up to cover Jaebum's as he let out a sigh. "I need you to not be afraid to love me."
A thousand emotions flashed on Jaebum's face, yet at the same time, none showed at all. Tension bled into the room now, and he could feel the twitch in Jaebum's hand, it was him wanting to pull away. His adam apple bobbed as he stood there watching Jinyoung, in utter silence.
It stayed like that, for too long for Jinyoung to count, not that he probably could have even if he wanted to. He knew right now it was as if they are on thin ice, and he is treading on a line right now. It was fragile, he knew how Jaebum was, and it was almost as if like one wrong move and he would be scurrying away.
"Jinyoung," he finally said breathlessly, voice laced with something Jinyoung couldn't tell. It was almost like regret, perhaps remorse. "I can't."
Smiling sadly, Jinyoung leaned into his touch more, "I know."
Silence lapsed over them again, neither one of them daring to move. But eventually there was loud voices in the hall, signaling that the others were done with their showers. Clearing his throat, Jaebum pulled his hand away fast, but his eyes still lingered on Jinyoung as he turned half way towards the door, "The showers free."
And with that he was gone.
The door closed behind him, and Jinyoung stared at it helplessly.
Jaebum always tears him apart, but he always leaves Jinyoung to put himself back together.